Why do I attract alcoholics/addicts?

[NC1769456]

Or maybe the question should be why am I drawn to them?

NC as outing.

My dad was an alcoholic and a drug addict. My mum covered it up for him. My mum was vacant and never showed any love. I've had NC with my dad since I was 18 (I'm 34 now). My ex of 10 years was/is also an alcoholic and his mum died of liver failure due to alcoholism and his dad is also an alcoholic. My ex cheated on me, left me for the OW and then she dumped him because of his drinking he came running back. I, thankfully, didn't take him back. We have a 5 year old son together.

I have been dating a guy for 4 months (known each other 2 years) and we have only shared a couple glasses of wine together. He's been known to disappear for 12-24 hours at a time but I didn't think anything of it really. His ex (the mother of his children) messaged this today essentially saying he's an alcoholic and that she'd had to go get their children this morning as their eldest had called to say she couldn't wake him up. She told me everything. They'd broken up due to his drinking (and other addictions). He appears to be a binge drinker rather than a daily drinker, which I guess is why I didn't notice.

I'm sat here thinking maybe I'm doing something? Am I drawn to these men? How do I stop myself in the future making the same continuous mistakes?

This thread is mnet at its best. Well done OP, I don't know you but I'm so freakin' proud of you.

I hope my daughter turns out to be as strong and as insightful as you.

You're amazing!!

[quote NC1769456]**@Onward thank you so much. I've been thinking I'm just so stupid and that there's something fundamentally wrong with me. I thought the meetings were only for alcoholics so to say. I'll have a look. Thank you again [/quote]
There is nothing wrong with you. It's important that you grasp that and believe it. You have been conditioned by your childhood. An addict's behaviour feels like 'home' to you. That's not your fault.

How it plays out in your future is your responsibility, though. You have the habit of invalidating your feelings. So, even if you feel off about something, you'll brush over it, so that the addict's behaviour can continue with as little disruption as possible.

Learn to identify what you feel. Learn to communicate it healthily. If you don't like something, say it. Make your boundaries clear, and what your actions will be if your boundaries get crossed. Follow through. It sounds scary but it's massively empowering. You might need counselling to get you there but you'll be glad you did.

@Eckhart thank you so much for your comment! Yes, I do invalidate my feelings. I guess my only validation is someone else's happiness rather than my own.

@TartanLassie thank you lots. Held it together all day yesterday for my son but he could tell I was feeling sad. We went for a crazy long walk and that helped but when I put him to bed I had a good cry.

@BuggerBognor I have purchased the 3 books recommended on this thread! They should arrive today 🤞. Thank you, it's crazy that "children of alcoholics" carry this much "baggage" through life.

@painttheworld I know and what's worse is I still feel sorry for him. I just hate thinking of anyone being broken. It physically causes me pain. I do, however, feel a sense of relief that his battle isn't mine. As much as it hurts, in the long run it's for the best.

I got a call at 1am from an unrecognised number and me being half asleep answered it. He was calling off his ex's phone (she had only FB messaged me so I didn't have her number). It's his child's birthday today so I guessed he had stayed at his ex's so she could make sure he didn't drink. He literally begged me saying that he was going to fail without me. I didn't know what to say so just hung up and blocked her number. It's a lot. I don't know why he won't leave me alone, when I've made it so clear that I can't do this and also why I can't .

*and it definitely should have been not (my fat thumb haha).

Good luck OP.

I've found this thread really useful reading. I've just started reading "Women Who Love Too Much" so thanks to the poster who recommended it.

@poppycrocus good luck to you too

Have you spent any substantial time in your life being single, @NC1769456? It's the best way to learn how to respond effectively to your own emotions, without someone else's interfering.

He literally begged me saying that he was going to fail without me. I didn't know what to say so just hung up and blocked her number. It's a lot. I don't know why he won't leave me alone, when I've made it so clear that I can't do this and also why I can't

He's doing this because his mindset is toxic. If his life falls to pieces around him, he'll have to admit that he has a problem. You are an integral part of the 'brave face' he puts out to the world. 'Hey, it can't be that bad, or my partner would have left me, right??' The key thing to recognise here is that he is TOTALLY dismissing your feelings, even when you've stated them to him clearly.

And that's all you need to do to validate yourself. In all situations; work, relationships, family, choosing a counsellor, everything. You say clearly how you feel, you get the response, and you see how you feel about the response. If you feel bad about it, you create emotional (if not physical) distance. If you feel good about it, you create proximity. It's a filtering mechanism that lots of people are taught instinctively by non-toxic parents. You didn't get taught. (nor did I) But luckily it's learnable.

If you want to know what's wrong with you, that's it. You didn't get taught a simple mechanism when you were growing up. You can learn it now.

I went to brilliant counselling for a year, and what it made me realise is that I had never needed counselling. There was never anything wrong with me. The belief that something is wrong with you is what creates the poor relationships, because you are more ready to blame yourself or feel you deserve to be treated poorly than you are to respond to how you feel as per what I wrote above.

I really hope this helps. I hope you get the little kernel of information you need that will make the penny drop. It's a different thing for everybody, but you can free yourself of the negative self judgement right now if you find it. I found great relief in not being 'special'. I always thought I was a bit weird, a bit different. A bit faulty. But I'm exactly like everybody else, and so are you. (except for the individual things we have that make us fabulous, obviously )

If you have any sense you will dump this guy and block immediately. You are opening yourself to more misery. Think of yourself and your child first for once

@Haggertyjane thanks for the comment.

@Eckhart thank you so much for taking the time to write that. So helpful! Really appreciate it . I was single for 18 months after my ex but I guess not completely single. Not dating but kind of hoping to be if that makes sense. Thank you again.

You're welcome OP. Time to be single and learn to ABSOLUTELY ROCK IT, perhaps? Focusing entirely on meeting your own needs, and responding positively only to things that make you feel positive.

It's life changing, if a little tough at first whilst you're a beginner. Enjoy!

I don't know why he won't leave me alone, when I've made it so clear that I can't do this

Notice from this how little he thinks of you. A good boyfriend would respect your thoughts and feelings.

To be honest, I'd have dumped him after the self pitying talk. (With zero attempts to try to fix him first. ) That tells you a lot about his character. And it's deeply unsexy!

I don't know why he won't leave me alone

maybe you're a really nice person, great girlfriend, sensible and fun at the same time, good mum, fit and lovely to spend time with?

Maybe he thinks that he needs to make an effort with women?

Maybe he thought you were the one for him?

But that doesn't mean that he's the one for you!

Good work on the blocking and assertiveness. Keep it up!

I got a call at 1am from an unrecognised number and me being half asleep answered it. He was calling off his ex's phone (she had only FB messaged me so I didn't have her number). It's his child's birthday today so I guessed he had stayed at his ex's so she could make sure he didn't drink. He literally begged me saying that he was going to fail without me. I didn't know what to say so just hung up and blocked her number. It's a lot. I don't know why he won't leave me alone, when I've made it so clear that I can't do this and also why I can't

He probably made threats of self harm to her, so she didn't feel she had any choice but to put up with him for the night when the kids were around.

And then he felt sorry for himself because he couldn't go out and get drunk - had you caved in to the pressure and said he could come round, he'd have fucked off his own child on his birthday and then got drunk again.

He's realised that his key to an easy life has slipped through his fingers, so he's getting all shrieky to make you feel bad enough to take him back. And nicked his ex's phone whilst she was asleep to do so (probably checked through her messages to see what was said about him and whether she's been seeing another man whilst he was at it). He showed no respect for her, his kids or for you - it was all about what he wants.

You did exactly the right thing in hanging up without a word and blocking again - you may, if he wrote down your number & email before calling - need to change yours in case he starts calling from withheld numbers or contacting you from new email addresses. But keep on, if he does do that, ignoring, not responding and blocking him.

I'd also be alert for him hanging round the house. That was the most annoying thing about my ex, the hanging around like a bad smell - especially because he left a trail of high strength beer cans wherever he went.