Why do I attract alcoholics/addicts?

[NC1769456]

Or maybe the question should be why am I drawn to them?

NC as outing.

My dad was an alcoholic and a drug addict. My mum covered it up for him. My mum was vacant and never showed any love. I've had NC with my dad since I was 18 (I'm 34 now). My ex of 10 years was/is also an alcoholic and his mum died of liver failure due to alcoholism and his dad is also an alcoholic. My ex cheated on me, left me for the OW and then she dumped him because of his drinking he came running back. I, thankfully, didn't take him back. We have a 5 year old son together.

I have been dating a guy for 4 months (known each other 2 years) and we have only shared a couple glasses of wine together. He's been known to disappear for 12-24 hours at a time but I didn't think anything of it really. His ex (the mother of his children) messaged this today essentially saying he's an alcoholic and that she'd had to go get their children this morning as their eldest had called to say she couldn't wake him up. She told me everything. They'd broken up due to his drinking (and other addictions). He appears to be a binge drinker rather than a daily drinker, which I guess is why I didn't notice.

I'm sat here thinking maybe I'm doing something? Am I drawn to these men? How do I stop myself in the future making the same continuous mistakes?

There is also the Shark Cage analogy

www.oomm.live/the-shark-cage-metaphor-spotting-potential-abusers/

There’s a bar or two missing in your protective shark cage. It is not your fault, just a product of your upbringing. Once you know, you can work on putting those bars in there.

What some people find normal or don't notice, others will run a mile from. I was brought up in an abusive household and TBH I didn't think much of it so I accepted my abusive ex DH sulking, throwing things, ignoring me when I'd fallen and broken a bone- until I was given a warning at work for behaving in a way that I hadn't realised others found intimidating but was normal to me from my family and partner. It gave me the massive kick up the arse to see things - and him - from a different point of view, (and change my own behaviour too I hope).

So maybe you're missing warning signs that others would run away from? Or you're accepting what others would leave over? It's not that they're attracted to you, but that they don't scare you off until later than others. Not sure if that makes sense!

Well explained,makes total sense

[quote NC1769456]**@krankykittykat thank you for commenting. I've already messaged guy I've been dating to say I'm here for him if he needs to talk. I feel bad for him even though this is his own doing and I know I should be angry but I just feel sorry for him. He knew my ex is an alcoholic and never mentioned any issues with alcohol.[/quote]
As soon as he knew your ex was an alcoholic, he deliberately kept quiet - because he knew there was a chance that you'd cotton on to his behaviour and dump him.

Don't let yourself be dragged into another relationship, this one where he has the ability to make you feel as though you're kicking a puppy and you 'know it's how I am, why are you being mean to me'.

You can be sympathetic to his problem (you don't have to hate him) without offering yourself up as another human sacrifice to alcohol.

You can say that you hope he accesses the professional and group support he needs to address his problem with alcohol. Unfortunately in your life you have already seen too many people destroyed by alcohol and for the sake of yourself and your son you cannot be in a relationship with another alcoholic.

You can wish him well in his battle with it, without putting yourself and your 5 year old on the front line.

My ex was an absolute knob. Abusive and a cheater as well as an alcoholic. He was a violent drunk and when he left me I honestly don't think I felt pain like it. Yes, he left me. I know.

However, the guy I've been dating and have been friends with has never given any indication of abuse. Ever. But yes, there were red flags which I glossed over and didn't ask enough questions about. For example, he said him and his ex broke up because he took out a loan. I thought that was odd. And then when he'd "disappear" he'd say oh sorry I've been busy (for a day or 2) or that he didn't see my message when he'd been online. He was never obnoxious with it and was always apologetic.

I can't remember who posted it above but I am beyond empathetic. I had never thought about it before. And yes I probably am a "doormat".

@ThirdThoughts thank you so much for that. That's really helpful for right now. I've not replied to his "you don't know how much I appreciate that but I don't deserve it" message as every response I wrote out was either harsh or overly supportive.

@NeverDropYourMoonCup he did deliberately keep quiet. And yes I can see him very much acting like that.

I'm gobsmacked at how you can all see so clearly something I've been blind to.

Honestly, wish him well. Walk away.protect yourself & your child.block his number.

Take the first step in healing yourself and block this man completely out of your life. I think you have a lot of work to do before you get involved in another relationship. There is a lot of help out there, you just have to seek it out.

There’s nothing wrong with you also look at Codependent no more and CODA meetings

I can't tell you all how much I appreciate the comments. I promised myself after my ex that I would never be with someone who drinks so to have ended up here again just hurts a lot. I've ordered the book mentioned!

I sent the message, essentially saying that I'm sorry he's going through this but for the sake of me and * (son's name) I can't be with another alcoholic. And that I hope he gets the help he needs. I've blocked him and removed him from social media. I'm properly sobbing though. Feels like I've been kicked in the stomach.

It's a very well known phenomenon - children of a neglectful parent repeatedly search out and enter relationships with the same dynamic (violence, drugs, coercive control, infidelity whatever) in the hope of a different ending and a healing of that childhood pain and rejection. Needless to say - they rarely get that different ending....

The first and most vital step is recognising the pattern, which you've already done. Good luck with next steps.

He knew my ex is an alcoholic and never mentioned any issues with alcohol

Hmmm I wonder why 🤔

I've messaged guy I've been dating to say I'm here for him if he needs to talk

Oh sweet Jesus come on now... This is exactly why they're drawn to you, you're an empathetic enabler

It's hardly a mystery OP why you keep attracting these people. I suggest you find your backbone and look after number one before you end up in your mother's shoes.

The kick in stomach feeling is your out your comfort zone,you’re used to being a fixer and are subsequently feeling could have /should have done more..saved him
It’s not your responsibility to fix him

I sent the message, essentially saying that I'm sorry he's going through this but for the sake of me and (son's name) I can't be with another alcoholic. And that I hope he gets the help he needs. I've blocked him and removed him from social media. I'm properly sobbing though. Feels like I've been kicked in the stomach*

This feels shit now but I swear to you you've done the best by you and your son and shown real courage.

Good on you OP. 🎖️

@Closetbeanmuncher yes I can see it now that I am an empathetic enabler. I really didn't know. I appreciate it probably made you roll your eyes reading my post and I do appreciate you commenting as it's true.

I am so glad I posted. And I do think the kick to the stomach is because I just feel incredibly sorry for him which is odd I know and also wishing he'd been different. But I can't keep feeling like this.

Let’s not put labels on this. You’re a woman drawn to issues in past but they don’t define you. Don’t live life by labels

*@Closetbeanmuncher@ sorry cross post. Thank you. I wouldn't have sent that message if it hadn't been for this post. It's made me realise that me being "supportive" at my own cost isn't healthy or right. I do feel a sense of relief that I've sent it and blocked him.

@HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee thank you so much for your advice. I think I'm going to be sobbing for days haha I just wished I'd known all this year's ago.

I'm still not sure what I do next. I feel overwhelmed. And I don't know how I could ever trust my own judgment. If it hadn't been for all your comments I likely would've just continued with the relationship in the hope that he would be the man I want.

@HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee

The kick in stomach feeling is your out your comfort zone,you’re used to being a fixer and are subsequently feeling could have /should have done more..saved him It’s not your responsibility to fix him

And in the attempt would have damaged all of you.

Those that binge drink also often don't see themselves as real alcoholics because they don't drink every day (yet) and the culture is supportive of people getting pissed at the weekends so the boundaries of what's problematic are conveniently blurry.

Thank goodness his ex let you know as you could have wasted years trying to figure out whether you were "just being sensitive" because of your father and ex or thinking his drinking was ok because it wasn't "every" day or because he wasn't violent with it.

I know you are focused on trying not to repeat this and that's important. But (with his ex's help) you have also picked up on it early and sought advice and ended the relationship at 4 months. It could have been so much worse.

I'm still not sure what I do next.

If you're not able to get therapy soon, there are loads of other recourses you can utilise. There are books, videos on YouTube, online groups for children of alcoholics, the Freedom Programme, etc.

Of course you feel overwhelmed. You just had a massive awakening as to why you make the choices you do. You should be congratulating yourself for this because many people never reach any level of self-awareness. You have made a huge first step to living a healthy life.

"He's been known to disappear for 12-24 hours at a time but I didn't think anything of it really. "
This.
This is typical alcoholic behaviour, it should have waved red flags at you. Maybe because of your history you think it's normal, but it really isn't.
Why on earth are you texting him?
Start protecting yourself, put up boundaries. He must be very far gone if his children are asking to be taken home, if he's neglecting them to the extent they can't wake him. That is not normal either. People who drink normally, even to excess on the odd night out, don't do so when they are looking after their own children. Don't make excuses for him, don't call to see if he's ok. He's not. He's in no fit state to be in a relationship, as a friend or anything else. Don't imagine that anything you can do will help him give up drinking, or somehow handle drinking better. You can't help. You'll be enabling if anything. Just back off and get on with your life and thank your lucky stars you got out quick.