Why do I attract alcoholics/addicts?

[NC1769456]

Or maybe the question should be why am I drawn to them?

NC as outing.

My dad was an alcoholic and a drug addict. My mum covered it up for him. My mum was vacant and never showed any love. I've had NC with my dad since I was 18 (I'm 34 now). My ex of 10 years was/is also an alcoholic and his mum died of liver failure due to alcoholism and his dad is also an alcoholic. My ex cheated on me, left me for the OW and then she dumped him because of his drinking he came running back. I, thankfully, didn't take him back. We have a 5 year old son together.

I have been dating a guy for 4 months (known each other 2 years) and we have only shared a couple glasses of wine together. He's been known to disappear for 12-24 hours at a time but I didn't think anything of it really. His ex (the mother of his children) messaged this today essentially saying he's an alcoholic and that she'd had to go get their children this morning as their eldest had called to say she couldn't wake him up. She told me everything. They'd broken up due to his drinking (and other addictions). He appears to be a binge drinker rather than a daily drinker, which I guess is why I didn't notice.

I'm sat here thinking maybe I'm doing something? Am I drawn to these men? How do I stop myself in the future making the same continuous mistakes?

@CodenameVillanelle I've blocked him on FB too. I didn't know that people could still message even after you've deactivated your account. I'm a bit worried he'll message my sister but I've pre warned her this morning, just in case. Really hoping he has enough sense to not turn up at my house!

@NeverDropYourMoonCup have you met him?? Mind blown. Yes I do have a nice (albeit small) home and a good job. He has in fact mentioned a few times that his flat is freezing and I suggested electric heaters. He was also very keen for me to meet his children and him to meet my son but I was always very firm about this. It wouldn't happen until we'd dated for at least a year (and maybe not even then). My son is my world, he's already got s dickhead dad and my mum had an array of men round the house when her and my dad divorced so it's the one thing I've been really firm about.

OP - I can relate to this. My Dad was an alcoholic. I've put up with men I have dated who were alcoholics because I was used to it.

Did you notice anything different in his behaviour when he was drinking? (I know you said he just had a few glasses of wine with you but did his personality/behaviour change?).

Perhaps you should talk to him about his alcoholism.

@poppycrocus I did notice that he would become very sad even after 2 glasses of wine. Self pitying, very "my life is tough". Again, my ex and my dad were very different to this so I never thought much of it, more like "well he can't handle his drink" type thing.

I'm past the point of talking to him about it. His ex messaged this morning to say that he was okay (she obviously didn't know he'd already messaged and thought I may be worried) and that his dad was getting him help. I do feel sorry for him, and his children but I can't do it again (especially this whole non violent but manipulative alcoholism).

Well done, OP (I knew even before clicking on your thread that one of your parents, likely your dad, would be an alcoholic. This thread is Mumsnet at its best, imo.

I'm commenting just to recommend another book to you - Lucy Sullivan is Getting Married by Marian Keyes (fiction). The protagonist in it has an alcoholic father and can't make the connection between that and her own relationships. It's brilliant on the issue of alcoholism - Marian Keyes is a recovered alcoholic - and is very funny; something you might need right now! Good luck and stay strong.

@Whatwouldrowando thank you! I think this thread has changed my life (dramatic I know). I've read through it maybe 5 times just to keep reminding myself that I'm not here to "save" everyone. I've ordered the book, could definitely do with funny right now. I'm going to have a lot of reading to keep me busy in the evenings; although feeling a bit sorry for the Amazon delivery driver haha .

Julia says it well

So he is in Victim mode and asking you to Rescue him.
If you refuse to do that, he then says you are his Persecutor.

He might look for someone else to rescue him (sounds like he has already contacted his ex and his Dad).
He might also lash out at you, so take precautions. Don't answer the door to him if he turns up at your place.

@Thelnebriati yes his ex messaged me today saying she hoped we'd sorted it and that I'd be able to support him. Guessing he hadn't told her that I'd ended things. I replied saying I wish I could but I have to think about myself and my son.

Yeah, she wanted to make sure he was still safely offloaded onto you

@AnyFucker yeah I was really surprised by her message today. I had assumed her message yesterday was a heads up warning type thing but I think she assumed that I'd have stayed with and supported him (probably would've done if it hasn't been for all of you ). Been a rollercoaster of a day!

Frankly,it’s not the ex business what goes on. She’s clearly had her fill of him, and he’s been papped

Well done OP, maybe you should block his Ex as well, it's not your problem to deal with. 💐

@HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee I thought it was odd. She was almost trying to guilt me into it too and I'd already him try and do that. Very odd.

@Dawninglory thank you! Yup blocked 😊.

[quote NC1769456]@HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee I thought it was odd. She was almost trying to guilt me into it too and I'd already him try and do that. Very odd.

@Dawninglory thank you! Yup blocked 😊.[/quote]
I would reiterate what's been said by a previous poster; she doesn't want the hassle and the reason she's contacting you is to put the emotional labour of worrying about him and caring about him on you.

It's not your responsibility to talk to him about his alcoholism.

The part of your OP, that he was so pissed that his DD couldn't wake him, was awful. Imagine if that had been your DS. I can't imagine how a child must've felt in those circumstances. Probably terrified.

@DontBeShelfish I know. It's beyond awful. His ex told the children that he was just poorly but this isn't the first time they've not been able to wake him and children aren't stupid. I can't even imagine if that was my son. Doesn't bare thinking about.

@NC1769456 The thing, as you probably know, is that his kids will eventually wise up and realise that their Dad is a drunk. You got the strength to get your son out of that situation. Whenever you feel yourself weakening (and most people would!) you just have to remind yourself of that. Your son deserves positive figures in his life.

I've heard the Freedom Programme mentioned a lot on here - not sure if it fits what you need, but it might be worth exploring it to determine how to work on you. As a PP has said, you knew something was up. Good instincts.

@DontBeShelfish thank you loads. I'll have a look. He's found every way to get in contact and at one point I was close to throwing my phone in the bin. I've now blocked on WhatsApp, Facebook, Instagram, text message and email. I'm hoping there's nothing I'm missing? Although fully expecting to receive a posted letter monday. Every message has been full of self pity, begging me to give him another chance, that he can't do it without me, that he loves me, that he doesn't deserve me. Honestly it's been painful. However, not one has even been an acknowledgment or an apology (not that it would matter but I just can't get over it). He can't do it for himself or his girls but I'm supposed to believe that he'll magically be able to do it for me. Massive eye roll.

And also yes, I vividly remember my mum and dad arguing about his drinking. And waking up to her walking around the house picking up bottles, being extra quiet so as not to wake my dad sleeping on the sofa. Me and my sister having to be extra quiet as poorly (hungover) dad would be very grumpy (aggressive) if woken. He knows all this as I've spoken to him about this in detail and he still didn't stop. It's a horrid disease.

Your dad was ‘unavailable’ due to his addictions therefore you are naturally drawn to similar types - either to fix them
Or because it is familiar to you. You are seeking some kind of validation from them too.

My story is very similar to yours and that’s what they told me in counselling. I always attract the types who are unavailable and not present. It’s a void that cannot be filled 😢

@Backtoblack1 well that sounds really sad 😥. I've contacted a counsellor today as I really want to get some one on one support with all of this. I've been reading loads this evening but still struggling on the "how to" steps if that makes sense.

I now understand why I make the choices I make with men but need to understand how to stop.

I hope counselling helps you xxx

I’ve made my peace with it now and have made an informed decision not to have toxic men like that in my life. I am much more at peace. I hope you will be too x

Hi NC, I would also strongly recommend counselling.

I also grew up with an alcoholic parent and I have previously had a very strong attraction to men with addictions. I have had counselling too and I met a really great counsellor who said addicts/children of addicts/enablers can find each other in a crowded room. The attraction can be very strong. He also told me that often the issues we cannot resolve with our parents, we seek to resolve with our partners and if we fail to resolve them with our partners we can carry them on to our children. This was a big motivator and wake up call for me. I don't want this to carry on to my children and counselling has played an important role in improving my life for the better. It is hard work, but worth it.

I wish you all the best.

It's very, very early days. I don't think you need to expect more of yourself than just to sit with your new awareness and knowledge for a little while. Actions and deeper understanding will come in time.

Let yourself get used to the ideas and prospect of taking care of your own needs.

I agree. It takes a long time. I had counselling in 2017/18 and only now the penny is starting to drop.

Good luck OP x

I found it very striking that your response was to feel sorry for him being upset and alone- rather than for the child who obviously had to make a hard decision for themselves and their siblings.

That child was upset and alone.

I don't mean this as a go at you, more that you were trained to empathise with the drunk, not the neglected children. And they were neglected.

His choice to drink came before their needs, he could have left them/put them at real risk. Their contact time with their father was ruined. Their needs didn't matter to him- he could choose not to binge with his new girlfriend (you) but didn't choose to prioritize his own children. He is not a good enough parent. His children deserve better, just as you did and do deserve better.

You have done well to choose better. He may say he needs you, but when his children needed him he couldn't be what they needed, and he is still thinking of himself.