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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Should I walk in to 2021 a single woman?

136 replies

TheDiceWoman1 · 31/12/2020 12:59

NC for this.
In a very up and down relationship and I've spent all of Christmas feeling stressed and low.
He doesn't trust me. Makes me jump through hoops. He said he wanted to see me today to have sex as it's his reassurance I won't be sleeping with anyone else tonight. Not that I'm going anywhere it's just deranged thinking. I'm on my period and he tells me I'm avoiding and delaying having sex. I have been bleeding since Tuesday and last had sex with him Monday.
He clearly is not happy just to spend time chilling with me.
He says I don't take it seriously how much sex he needs. I've tried to accommodate and I'm not prepared to have sex while bleeding. He's truly awful and I'm struggling to walk away. I don't want my new year to start like this.

OP posts:
YoniAndGuy · 31/12/2020 15:32

Wow, just think of the sheer bliss of just waiting til he’s finished ranting away about his ‘needs‘ and his ‘conditions‘ and all the test and then just shouting OH DO YOU KNOW WHAT, WHY DON’T YOU JUST FUCK RIGHT OFF YOU ABSOLUTE PRICK. Phone down.

YoniAndGuy · 31/12/2020 15:34

Oooh missed your last! I hope that’s what you did but you’re probably more measured than me. Well done OP, and if he so much as puts a foot near you again, you snarl so loud that he’s left in no doubt that you’ll have the police onto him as soon as look at him.

funnylittlefloozie · 31/12/2020 15:35

Well done for taking that big step. Please block him on everything now, and sit back and give yourself a pat on the back for being strong.

2021 will be a much better year for you.

ScrapThatThen · 31/12/2020 15:37

Oh I hope you dumped his ass in the most gloriously cruel way possible honey you are so making the right decision. NO ONE gets to treat you like that. 2021 is about you and your choices. The only thing you need to ask yourself about dating someone is do I want to, do I fancy them, and do they treat me with respect. Block him, don't answer the door, be ready to call a mate or the police if he turns nasty.

1forAll74 · 31/12/2020 15:37

Good grief, what a horrible controlling pest ,and a deranged specimen of a man he is. Yes, go forward into 2021, and leave this awful creature behind. Getting lumbered with someone like this, won't bring you any happiness.

Charles11 · 31/12/2020 15:39

It hurts because you dreamt of a future, a life with a partner, maybe a family.
You were never going to have a good life with this man. You would’ve been miserable, and if he had his way, a subservient shell of a woman to service his needs.

Soon, you’ll feel the relief of escaping him and looking forward to better future.

yetmorecrap · 31/12/2020 15:48

The fact he said you are ‘avoiding and delaying’ means he knows full well that you aren’t really into it at the moment— clearly he doesn’t care about that— I wasn’t aware you signed the ‘shag daily’ contract. OP he is clearly not a very nice guy and sees you as a handy shag to service his ‘needs’ . Get rid

Whythesadface · 31/12/2020 15:55

Well done.

RantyAnty · 31/12/2020 16:10

Well done on blocking and getting rid.
Do something nice for yourself and get a good night's sleep.
2021 will be so much better for you.

HollowTalk · 31/12/2020 16:17

You've definitely done the right thing. Imagine another year with him? You've got Brexit and Covid to deal with; you don't need this nutcase as well!

First of all, if you are tempted to write to him, do it in a draft email and do not send. Block him wherever he is.

He will do the following:

Plead with you
Cry
Blame you
Cry some more
Say he has mental health problems from his childhood
Say his mother treated him badly so he struggles with women
Say his ex was horrible to him, so he struggles with women
Cry again
Start to blame you
It will all be your fault
Then it'll be his
Then he'll cry
When he feels he's really losing you he'll pull out the big one - suicide

In reality, within a month he'll be living with another woman and making her life hell. Stick to your guns and ignore him.

Daleksatemyshed · 31/12/2020 16:19

Well done @TheDiceWoman1, I know it's hard now but it's so much for the best. Your self esteem will be so much better for losing this sad act of a DP. Happy New Year!

Peridot1 · 31/12/2020 16:22

Well done.

Please don’t let him persuade you that he will change. He won’t. You are not a person to him. You are a receptacle. He was nice to you in the beginning because you would have run a mile otherwise. He reeled you in slowly. And now you see the real him. A paranoid abusive sex pest with zero respect for you.

But you are so lucky. Lucky you don’t live with him. And lucky you don’t have children with him or depend on him financially.

Celebrate tonight with a nice cosy night in and the early night you want.

Tomorrow is a new day and a new year and a new start, it’s the perfect time to dump such a horrible specimen.

MumToBeMaz · 31/12/2020 16:30

@HollowTalk

You've definitely done the right thing. Imagine another year with him? You've got Brexit and Covid to deal with; you don't need this nutcase as well!

First of all, if you are tempted to write to him, do it in a draft email and do not send. Block him wherever he is.

He will do the following:

Plead with you
Cry
Blame you
Cry some more
Say he has mental health problems from his childhood
Say his mother treated him badly so he struggles with women
Say his ex was horrible to him, so he struggles with women
Cry again
Start to blame you
It will all be your fault
Then it'll be his
Then he'll cry
When he feels he's really losing you he'll pull out the big one - suicide

In reality, within a month he'll be living with another woman and making her life hell. Stick to your guns and ignore him.

This is all stuff my ex said to me. I felt awful at the time, but after 3 WEEKS he was seeing someone else. Blocking is the best thing to do.
Aminuts23 · 31/12/2020 16:32

@TheDiceWoman1 this is the best New Years present you’ve given yourself. Block him everywhere now and get on with a much better 2021 x

Techway · 31/12/2020 16:43

Shudder...your post made my skin crawl.

Make a note of all his behaviours on your phone so when you are reflecting on the good times you will have the balance.

ReggaePerrin · 31/12/2020 16:52

He sounds dangerous, OP, and now is the time you are most at risk. Please be VERY careful.

Dery · 31/12/2020 16:53

So pleased you’ve finished it. Your description of his behaviour literally made me feel sick. What a disgusting sense of entitlement. He’s nasty. Actually, he’s a criminal. Emotional and sexual abuse and coercive control are crimes and that’s what you were describing.

You might find it helpful to read “Women Who Love Too Much” by Robin Norwood who writes very well about the addictive nature of dysfunctional relationships (the good times are heightened because of the relief the victim feels and because abusers can love bomb like there’s no tomorrow). She also talks about how to break the patterns.

You might also find it interesting to read “In The Mind of the Intimate Male Abuser: How He Gets Into Her Head”.

Get some real life support if you can and also keep posting here. He may well try to hoover you back in and you will need to resist that. There are good men out there who regard women as their equals not as their possessions or territory to be marked like a dog pissing on a lamp post. Women are put on this earth to lead their own best lives, not to serve men.

Onwards and upwards, OP.

TirisfalPumpkin · 31/12/2020 17:35

Hollowtalk's list is very accurate. Sometimes they jump straight to the suicide-baiting if they think you mean business. If you block them, you might also get tragic tear-stained snail mail. Mine did this. I wrote 'MY DICK: AN APOLOGIA' on it to remind myself not to re-read and catch feelings.

Not your responsibility. You've done a very good deed for yourself today. Happy New Year.

RainingBatsAndFrogs · 31/12/2020 17:45

OP, my post crossed with yours saying you had ended it.

I am very relieved that you have.

To add to the list, he will tell you that you are shit, stupid and unattractive and no one but him will put up with you and you are incapable of managing without him.

As if.

If he does anything at all threatening do not hesitate to call the police.

If he has your key, leave your key in the lock so he cannot get in.

Good for you OP. The longer you stay in an abusive relationship the more they undermine your self esteem that is needed to escape.

lilylongjohn · 31/12/2020 17:53

Well done op Thanks

CodenameVillanelle · 31/12/2020 17:56

Well done. Now block him.

CherryDocsInYrBalls · 31/12/2020 17:58

Please block. He will take this as a sign he was right and justified and you were cheating. Abusers never ever take responsibility. You can't reason with them or explain. Any attention you give him is "supply" to him and he will do anything it takes to reel you back in, because otherwise he has to start again abusing someone else and he's put time and effort into getting you to this point. They don't love or empathise. Don't be afraid to call the police if you need to. You can get support from women's aid. He is your perpetrator of abuse not ex boyfriend. Well done so far

NovemberR · 31/12/2020 17:59

Please don't ever take him back.

I felt ill reading how many times you wrote his conditions..

Who the fuck does he think he is that he gets to give anyone 'conditions'?

Don't ever take up with anyone like this again.

wirldsgonemad · 31/12/2020 18:00

He said he wanted to see me today to have sex as it's his reassurance I won't be sleeping with anyone else tonight.

For that sentence alone you need to dump him.

Tinselette · 31/12/2020 18:13

Well done Dice. I have a glass of something bubbly and I'm toasting you 🥂

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