Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

When someone who has ghosted you makes contact after a long time

105 replies

Ghostedxoxo · 31/12/2020 06:54

Had a thirty year friendship which ended four years ago when my friend appeared to not want me in her life anymore. Texts went unanswered. When I tried to call, she was unavailable to meet up. I found it spectacularly painful as I assumed that I must have done something to offend, but had no idea what it could be. There had been no argument, nothing I could think of that would make her not want to be in touch. We didn't rely on each other for emotional support in any way, so it seemed unlikely that I had been too demanding in some way. I must have spent hours pouring over text messages, wondering what I could possibly have done that would end such a long friendship without explanation. I actually felt depressed for a time as the not knowing was awful.

She did send a text about 3 and a half years ago, apologising that she hadn't been a good friend and that things have been difficult. I did reply to the text, but heard nothing more. I also tried to phone her to see if she was ok. Although she spoke about meeting up, she ultimately backed out of actually doing it and resumed ghosting me. The birthday present I sent was also ignored. I had no choice but to draw a line under the friendship, however painful.

Last year, I got a Christmas card from her saying it would be nice to meet up. I didn't respond as she had paid lip service to meeting up before and it turned out that she really didn't want to. I had found it humiliating to keep trying and being rebuffed.

This year, I have now received another Christmas card with a short note telling me that a dear friend had died and her mother had lost her battle to Alzheimer's. She had split up with her husband and she gave me her new address, saying that she hoped I hadn't been offended by her absence.

I now feel that I don't know whether I can face trying to rebuild the friendship again. It sounds like she has had a tough time recently, so it seems mean to ignore her card/note. However, I found the no contact with no explanation for the past four years heart breaking.

Has anyone else had this scenario and what did you end up doing?

OP posts:
khaleesi71 · 31/12/2020 07:04

I think you've worked hard to move on and you have a sort of explanation. You risk opening all that up again. She may have been in a terrible place but she's treated you very badly. I think I would write and say she was hurtful and your sorry for her circs but you have moved on. I think there is too much hurt to reignite this friendship Thanks

TreacleHart · 31/12/2020 07:08

I would be tempted to see what she had to say for herself , especially because she potentially was coping with her mother during dementia.

WestSideBoom · 31/12/2020 07:25

She hoped you hadn't been offended by her absence!

I honestly can't see how anything positive for you can come from this. I can't imagine that there is much she is going to be able to say to make you understand why she did it, because there can't be a good reason. If she'd disappeared entirely for the four years then maybe she might have had some sort of breakdown but the texts, phone call and the suggestions of meeting up but not actually doing it show that isn't the case.

The person who you had the friendship with isn't there anymore. She doesn't exist.

I don't think you are going to get a reason or an explanation as I don't think there can be one. It might make you feel worse if she says 'oh I was having marriage difficulties so I couldn't ever speak to you or acknowledge you sent me a birthday present'

I don't think you should worry about being unkind. Not for spite reasons or because she didn't care about your feelings but because she mustn't care as much about you as you did about her. Or she couldn't have done it. She will be Ok without you. You shouldn't put yourself in a position where you can be hurt all over again four years later.

OMGISeeTheWayYouShine · 31/12/2020 07:49

Personally, I would give her a chance. She has quite possibly been through hell. Just getting from one day to the next might have been all she could cope with.

Original poster
Ghostedxoxo · 31/12/2020 07:59

Thank you so much for all your advice. You are all echoing exactly what my own family have said, which is reassuring. I feel so much sadness about the whole thing as friendships lasting many years are precious. However, I feel reluctant to reopen the wound by getting in touch with my friend again.

OP posts:
Mlm1236 · 31/12/2020 07:59

I would also give her another chance Flowers

Housewife2010 · 31/12/2020 08:02

She has had a terrible time but she didn't need to ghost you. She could have sent the odd text. If you do see her, there is a good chance you will be ghosted again. How will that make you feel? I would be tempted to leave it.

MichelleScarn · 31/12/2020 08:04

Is it likely the husband she is split from was a reason for non contact?

Crimblecrumble1990 · 31/12/2020 08:13

You could have gone through any number of awful things while she had been ghosting you. I think it's a very selfish thing to do. Saying that, I think I probably could find it in my heart to get back in touch since she sounds like she could really use a friend. I would always have my guard up though.

Longtalljosie · 31/12/2020 08:20

I think the fact that her marriage has ended maybe your answer. So many women in awful relationships become isolated and cut off from their friends. Give it one more go. If she has lost everyone the way she’s lost you, she may be very isolated

KaptainKaveman · 31/12/2020 08:23

I would stay away OP. Clearly she wants you for support when things are tough for her - but as pp say, what about you? has she ever given a thought to how things are for you?

This is a 'friendship' which she wants on HER terms when SHE wants it. She is selfish and a user IMO.

Lolailo · 31/12/2020 08:24

Deep depression makes simple things absolutely dreadful. I have a hard time writing emails. I have not filed my taxes in two years, my documentation is all expired... I can only cope w a full time job and been a single mom to two lovely DC... I have Christmas messages unanswered from my cousin and best friend who I love dearly. Writing here, reading the news is easy. Investing emotionally is like climbing Everest

Sittinbythetree · 31/12/2020 08:25

Did she actually 'ghost' you or was she just really bad at keeping in touch?
To me ghosting is a deliberate and sudden dropping of contact, this sounds more like she's been rubbish at keeping in touch for other reasons.

Wanderlusto · 31/12/2020 08:25

I would not give her another chance. But I would write back to her. Something along the lines of 'whilst I am truly sorry to hear of your losses, I'm afraid that I do not wish to resume a friendship. You vanished for 4 years without explaination. I don't know how you can do that to someone you care for and it strikes me that you may only wish to get back in touch now, because times are hard for you. That isn't good for me. I wish you all the best with your future endeavors and hope your mum keeps well, but this is a goodbye from me'.

Charles11 · 31/12/2020 08:27

She’s done her dutiful card this year to try ease her guilt as she knew you were a good friend and she treated you badly.
I’d ignore her contact. If she really genuinely wants another chance, she’ll contact you again and make an effort.

Housewife2010 · 31/12/2020 08:30

If you see her do you think you could keep yourself a little removed from the situation? Could you see her knowing that she may ghost you again? If you can go and not expect your previous friendship to return, then this may be the way? I have been ghosted a couple of times and it has been so painful. Last Christmas a former friend got in touch suggesting we meet up. She had hurt me so much a few years ago that I decided not to respond. It had taken me a long time to recover and I realised that seeing her would be beneficial to her for her conscience ( she is very religious), but for me it would stir up all the painful feelings from the past. However, my former friend didn't tell me any of her news. If she had been going through a terrible time it would have been a harder decision for me to make and I would have been more likely to see her.

queenofknives · 31/12/2020 08:31

I'd give her a chance. Sounds like she was going through a horrendous time and wasn't able to keep up the friendship. You say you didn't emotionally support each other so maybe she just didn't have the resources to keep up a friendship where she felt she had to be lighthearted or whatever (not saying you wouldn't have been supportive but maybe she didn't know how to talk about all that stuff.) She didn't treat you well at all and so I would definitely want to hear that she cared about that and understood. Maybe you can't reestablish the friendship fully or go back to how things were, but you could give her a chance and see whether you would want her back in your life now. Establish a clear boundary for yourself, but give her a chance.

Goodbye2020Hello2021 · 31/12/2020 08:31

You could reply and tell her how sorry you are for the loss of her Mum, that you imagine the last few years must have been difficult.
You could also acknowledge that the break up of her marriage must have been very difficult for her.
Say that you and your family are well (?) and hope that she is doing ok and settling into her new home. Take care etc...

I wouldn’t mention meeting up or respond directly to her question about being offended.
Keep it very polite, very neutral.

Housewife2010 · 31/12/2020 08:34

@Goodbye2020Hello2021

You could reply and tell her how sorry you are for the loss of her Mum, that you imagine the last few years must have been difficult. You could also acknowledge that the break up of her marriage must have been very difficult for her. Say that you and your family are well (?) and hope that she is doing ok and settling into her new home. Take care etc...

I wouldn’t mention meeting up or respond directly to her question about being offended.
Keep it very polite, very neutral.

Perfect response.
Goodbye2020Hello2021 · 31/12/2020 08:35

I really wouldn’t send *wanderlust’s’ message. You can acknowledge her card and keep her at a distance without being f’ing horrible.

Sittinbythetree · 31/12/2020 08:35

Wanderlust - or times have been hard and now she's emerging from the fog, in which case a comment like yours would be really unkind.
When I'm feeling low I can't cope with people beyond my family and work (and work requires an exhausting mask).
I'd want to know a bit more before making a decision.

Also people and things change - friend for a reason, friend for a season, friend for life. My mother is in her 70s and she's had friends that have decade gaps in contact but then become close again. Friendship isn't like marriage with vows and commitment, if you enjoy someone's company that's basically it!

Goodbye2020Hello2021 · 31/12/2020 08:38

Wanderlust
I wish you all the best with your future endeavors and hope your mum keeps well, but this is a goodbye from me'

OP’s ‘friend’s’ Mum is dead.

lyinginthegutterstaringatstars · 31/12/2020 08:41

You could alway seal the envelope back up and put 'return to sender' on it.

yankeedoodledandee · 31/12/2020 08:43

My starting point would not be concern for myself here. It sounds like your friend has struggled her way to this point.

suggestionsplease1 · 31/12/2020 08:45

I think it depends how thick skinned you are and how invested or not you will be in the outcome going forward.

For me I definitely would reply, as I am pretty thick skinned, tend to think that everyone has got their own issues going on that I know nothing about and is just trying to do the best they can in the situations that they're in.. In other words, I don't take things like this personally - I don't view it as a reflection on me, but on their situation, so I'm not hurt by it.

I am also quite independent, possibly too independent, but in any event I enjoy the contact I have with the friends I have when it is present, but I'm not offended if it drifts away. I ensure that I have many friendships and recognise that their intensity / importance to one or other may come and go over time.

I would also say don't underestimate the power of embarrassment or poor mental health in pulling people away from contact. It sounds like she has gone through a lot, if it was an abusive marriage for example it would be very common that a person would struggle to maintain friendships.