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Original poster

When someone who has ghosted you makes contact after a long time

105 replies

Ghostedxoxo · 31/12/2020 06:54

Had a thirty year friendship which ended four years ago when my friend appeared to not want me in her life anymore. Texts went unanswered. When I tried to call, she was unavailable to meet up. I found it spectacularly painful as I assumed that I must have done something to offend, but had no idea what it could be. There had been no argument, nothing I could think of that would make her not want to be in touch. We didn't rely on each other for emotional support in any way, so it seemed unlikely that I had been too demanding in some way. I must have spent hours pouring over text messages, wondering what I could possibly have done that would end such a long friendship without explanation. I actually felt depressed for a time as the not knowing was awful.

She did send a text about 3 and a half years ago, apologising that she hadn't been a good friend and that things have been difficult. I did reply to the text, but heard nothing more. I also tried to phone her to see if she was ok. Although she spoke about meeting up, she ultimately backed out of actually doing it and resumed ghosting me. The birthday present I sent was also ignored. I had no choice but to draw a line under the friendship, however painful.

Last year, I got a Christmas card from her saying it would be nice to meet up. I didn't respond as she had paid lip service to meeting up before and it turned out that she really didn't want to. I had found it humiliating to keep trying and being rebuffed.

This year, I have now received another Christmas card with a short note telling me that a dear friend had died and her mother had lost her battle to Alzheimer's. She had split up with her husband and she gave me her new address, saying that she hoped I hadn't been offended by her absence.

I now feel that I don't know whether I can face trying to rebuild the friendship again. It sounds like she has had a tough time recently, so it seems mean to ignore her card/note. However, I found the no contact with no explanation for the past four years heart breaking.

Has anyone else had this scenario and what did you end up doing?

OP posts:
ChimpMcGarvey · 31/12/2020 18:52

saying that she hoped I hadn't been offended by her absence

Urgh, "I hope you haven't been offended by my absence" is like one of those shitty non-apologies where they're not sorry for what they did, they're sorry you feel however it is you feel about what they did.

She couldn't even acknowledge a birthday present you sent, not even with a 20 seconds to type, text message.

Nah, I wouldn't reply to even acknowledge the card.

catnoir1 · 31/12/2020 19:11

I wouldn't be keeping in touch.

BlueThistles · 31/12/2020 21:45

I'm another that wouldn't keep in touch ...

she only in contact now because she's alone... she's a fair weather friend.. who treated you appallingly.. when you would have supported her through her fathers illness.. her divorce etc... you sound like a lovely person OP and she's reeling you back in...

good luck in whatever you decide Flowers

SeaEagleFeather · 01/01/2021 09:44

It's clear that she hasn't handled, or been able to handle, things well and it's destroyed your faith in the solidity of the friendship.

Your friendship was real but you were never ones to talk about emotional stuff. She's gone through a lot of stuff, and maybe she wasn't able to keep responding at the time if she was running on empty.

Maybe it's worth a cautious but polite reply and if she doesn't respond, then you've lost nothing. If she does respond, it would take you some time to really build up faith in her again, but it might happen. 30 years is a long time to be friends.

Davespecifico · 01/01/2021 11:20

You need to use Goodbye2020hello2021’s response (page 1). It’s polite and leaves you able to close the chapter, or re-open it if you and she want to,

SnowyWiseOwlWan · 01/01/2021 11:25

I'd write to her. There's a safe distance in writing a letter. She can mull it over.

Keep it light and wish her well but tell her you're not sure if she's really trying to rebuild or if she's apologising to ease her conscience. Tell her it hurt when you were ghosted before and you're not sure you can take that risk again without knowing where she's coming from.

Then you may or may not get a response to that reasonable question.

RoseMartha · 01/01/2021 11:37

Until you go through a difficult time I dont think you appreciate just how hard it is to get through the day , let alone keep up with all your friends.
There may have been times when she thought abt texting you but didnt know what to say. She probably read your messages and thought I must text you back but life's problems got in the way or she was too exhausted.

I say this as someone who has been going through difficult times for several years. Sometimes you are just too mentally exhausted with all you have going on that friendships suffer as a result and instead of drawing on your friendship you alienate yourself by accident because there is a limit to how much you can manage in a day.

Have you helped someone with dementia?
It is hard. It is more than hard. My parents have dementia. It is such a struggle to be support for them and juggle work and home life as well. As you watch them slowly forget everything, including you their child.

You grieve as you go while they are still living.

And feel guilty when you can not meet all their needs or they ask you the same question for the hundredth time that day or they call you 50 times in an hour and ask the same question. This is tough, this is real. I live with this and maybe your friend did too.

I would give her a chance. She might need your kindness more than you know.

ZaphodDent · 01/01/2021 14:26

From all you have said, if it was me I would not risk inviting her back into my life. It affected your MH previously, and why would you risk that again? She hasn't proved that you can trust her.

But, if you really don't think you can leave it, or if you really want to understand what happened and why, then you could write to her and lay it all out - tell her what happened from your perspective. I wouldn't even ask for an explanation. If she has been through hell and back, and if she's serious about being a good friend to you, then she'll write back with an explanation and a massive apology. Anything less than that would be completely unacceptable.

baileys6904 · 01/01/2021 15:30

@rosemartha completely agree and I think some of the people on here will have a shock if it ever happens to a member of their family.
My heart goes out to anyone caring for a person with dementia, especially alzheimers, so I hope you're keeping well, have support for you as well, and make sure you have time for you as well.

RoseMartha · 01/01/2021 16:03

@baileys6904 Thank you. I appreciate your thoughts. Not really because I have to be the backbone of my family. Although I am on the waiting list for counselling. (What I didnt mention is that I have in past couple of years gone through a nasty divorce, which included moving home during lockdown, one of my dc has asd and is physically and verbally violent and my exh is still abusive post divorce. Also I provide childcare for a family member on top of the things mentioned in my first post).

Life can be very tough OP and you said your friend lost a close friend and has been through a divorce and moved home and lost her mother to Alziemers .

I havent lost a friend like your friend did, but I am dealing with some of the things your friend has and I know that coping with all that was all she could do. All she could put her energy physically and emotionally into.

I still have to take one day at a time otherwise it is too overwhelming.

I understand you are hurt but she has reached out to you. I think you should take a chance and meet her to listen to her and if you feel it is appropriate at that time tell her how you felt.

BlueThistles · 01/01/2021 16:33

she dropped you like a stone OP ... and didn't give a damn about your distress or what this did to you after all those years of alleged friendship... people like this are blood sucking leaches .. use you as an emotional crutch when it suits their agenda .. but drop you when it doesn't... nothing but users 🌺

BornIn78 · 01/01/2021 16:48

I don’t think “here’s all my news, hope you’re weren’t offended by my absence, here’s my address” shows even a shred of regret or sincerity on her part.

Not even a “I’m sorry”.

She sounds like a totally self centred user.

BlueThistles · 01/01/2021 16:50

@BornIn78

I don’t think “here’s all my news, hope you’re weren’t offended by my absence, here’s my address” shows even a shred of regret or sincerity on her part.

Not even a “I’m sorry”.

She sounds like a totally self centred user.

totally 🌺

MixMatch · 01/01/2021 17:07

@Ghostedxoxo The fact that the attempt to reconnect has come after splitting from her husband would make me suspect he was isolating her from close friends (abusive people often do this). I would call her and be very direct, saying you're very hurt by what has happened and ask for an explanation as to her behaviour. How she responds would determine whether you continue having a friendship with her.

Original poster
Ghostedxoxo · 01/01/2021 17:16

Thank you for all your thoughts and replies. I do appreciate it. I am normally a kind and supportive person. However, I feel that my friend hasn't shown any kindness at all to me in the last few years. I think that the truth is that she has lost some significant people in her life and now has a vacancy for me to fill. I would have been fine if she had just said she wasn't up to being in contact much as things were difficult. I would have understood perfectly her need for space. However, I had years of wondering what I could have possibly done wrong and torturing myself about it. I feel that she hasn't shown any warmth to me at all.

OP posts:
BlueThistles · 01/01/2021 17:31

@Ghostedxoxo

Thank you for all your thoughts and replies. I do appreciate it. I am normally a kind and supportive person. However, I feel that my friend hasn't shown any kindness at all to me in the last few years. I think that the truth is that she has lost some significant people in her life and now has a vacancy for me to fill. I would have been fine if she had just said she wasn't up to being in contact much as things were difficult. I would have understood perfectly her need for space. However, I had years of wondering what I could have possibly done wrong and torturing myself about it. I feel that she hasn't shown any warmth to me at all.

you would be correct in your analysis OP... you sound very lovely and you would have absolutely supported her... that time is gone ..

focus on you and your family 🌺

Eddielzzard · 01/01/2021 17:42

She clearly has no idea how her actions might have affected you. It might be cathartic to tell her how hurt you were and that you can't risk it again, but you wish her well. She doesn't sound like a good friend, but as others have pointed out it could be that she was in an abusive relationship. You really don't know what goes on behind closed doors. And so on that basis I'd give her a chance to explain. But then again, if you have lots of friends and support and don't need this friendship it might be best to let it go. If someone can do that once, they'll do it again.

Original poster
Ghostedxoxo · 01/01/2021 18:25

@Eddielzzard

She clearly has no idea how her actions might have affected you. It might be cathartic to tell her how hurt you were and that you can't risk it again, but you wish her well. She doesn't sound like a good friend, but as others have pointed out it could be that she was in an abusive relationship. You really don't know what goes on behind closed doors. And so on that basis I'd give her a chance to explain. But then again, if you have lots of friends and support and don't need this friendship it might be best to let it go. If someone can do that once, they'll do it again.
I would be surprised to find out my friend was in an abusive relationship. We know her husband well and he has always appeared to be a gentle, creative soul. Like you say though, you never know what is happening behind closed doors.
OP posts:
CornishTiger · 01/01/2021 18:40

Five years if absence following a 25 year friendship.

I heard a song on the radio during that time and it turned me into a wreck. Wear sunscreen

Understand that friends come and go but a precious few, who should hold on
Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle for as the older you get the more you need the people you knew when you were young.

I’d married, had another child and I’d really missed her through all of this.

Got back in touch and a year old haven’t had a proper meet up due to Covid. She hadn’t meant to end the friendship but distant herself.

Be brave but be guarded. It is work the risk.

CornishTiger · 01/01/2021 18:41

And if she was having an affair she may not have been able to see you as knew you’d know and not be happy.

EmmanuelleMakro · 01/01/2021 18:45

You are clearly a very nice person. But please lookout for yourself. I would not re-ignite this friendship.

SeaEagleFeather · 02/01/2021 00:29

It sounds like posting on here and getting a number of different perspectives have helped you see more clearly here, and that it feels right to keep your distance. Good luck :)

PandemicAtTheDisco · 02/01/2021 00:44

I was ghosted by a friend and was very hurt by her actions. Several times she got back in touch to then vanish again. It was completely on her terms. I wish I'd not let her treat me like that again after the second time.

Each time she got back in touch was after her relationships had ended or when she'd fallen out with other more desirable friends. I think it was never anything I'd done but more to do with what was going on in her life.

ellenleaves · 02/01/2021 01:15

I'd hear her out and make a decision. I know it seems like she wasn't in an abusive relationship but who knows what else might have happened. Go with low expectations. I let a friend back in who had been a pretty rubbish friend but her reasons were totally forgivable and years later we are still close. She did acknowledge (and apologise, though she didn't need to) what had happened though

RAOK · 02/01/2021 01:38

@Goodbye2020Hello2021

You could reply and tell her how sorry you are for the loss of her Mum, that you imagine the last few years must have been difficult. You could also acknowledge that the break up of her marriage must have been very difficult for her. Say that you and your family are well (?) and hope that she is doing ok and settling into her new home. Take care etc...

I wouldn’t mention meeting up or respond directly to her question about being offended.
Keep it very polite, very neutral.

I also think something along the lines of this response would be just perfect. Being cut off by people you consider to be good friends is beyond bewildering and causes great pain. If she was an amazing friend for 30 years then it may be worth giving her one more chance although your friendship will never be the same again.