When someone who has ghosted you makes contact after a long time

[Ghostedxoxo]

Had a thirty year friendship which ended four years ago when my friend appeared to not want me in her life anymore. Texts went unanswered. When I tried to call, she was unavailable to meet up. I found it spectacularly painful as I assumed that I must have done something to offend, but had no idea what it could be. There had been no argument, nothing I could think of that would make her not want to be in touch. We didn't rely on each other for emotional support in any way, so it seemed unlikely that I had been too demanding in some way. I must have spent hours pouring over text messages, wondering what I could possibly have done that would end such a long friendship without explanation. I actually felt depressed for a time as the not knowing was awful.

She did send a text about 3 and a half years ago, apologising that she hadn't been a good friend and that things have been difficult. I did reply to the text, but heard nothing more. I also tried to phone her to see if she was ok. Although she spoke about meeting up, she ultimately backed out of actually doing it and resumed ghosting me. The birthday present I sent was also ignored. I had no choice but to draw a line under the friendship, however painful.

Last year, I got a Christmas card from her saying it would be nice to meet up. I didn't respond as she had paid lip service to meeting up before and it turned out that she really didn't want to. I had found it humiliating to keep trying and being rebuffed.

This year, I have now received another Christmas card with a short note telling me that a dear friend had died and her mother had lost her battle to Alzheimer's. She had split up with her husband and she gave me her new address, saying that she hoped I hadn't been offended by her absence.

I now feel that I don't know whether I can face trying to rebuild the friendship again. It sounds like she has had a tough time recently, so it seems mean to ignore her card/note. However, I found the no contact with no explanation for the past four years heart breaking.

Has anyone else had this scenario and what did you end up doing?

OP you could respond and say how sorry you are to hear this and that she knows where you are if she needs a friend to chat to.

If she then makes contact or meets you, I’m sure it will become quite clear why she distanced herself from you. I lost a friend of 20 years when she refused to meet up after I suggested it after 2 years of my absence and frankly rubbish action as a friend, and after I had explained broadly why that was. If she’d met me she’d have known what went on in my life in detail and the reasons for it - whilst not an excuse for my absence, these reasons were real and sometimes life swallows you up and it’s hard to cope so you withdraw. Ironically this friend has since tried to make contact again and I’m not interested as I opened up and told her painful things and she rejected my offer to meet at that point, when I was at my lowest.

So I think the fact she has confided in you regarding some pretty awful stuff just goes to show that she’s being open with you and honest about her circumstances. Having a parent with that illness is consuming, as is a divorce. I understand you’re hurt but I expect there would be a place to address that in due course, face to face, not in written correspondence. I also understand that you may have had hard times during her absence, but this hasn’t been put to the test as presumably you’ve not contacted her to tell her.

Those saying to return to sender or send an aggressive message back... I’m gobsmacked really. Unless this friend was not really that great or was toxic in some way, i think it’s quite mean and unkind to ignore her. I’m not saying you’re not allowed to be hurt, of course you are, and I’m not saying you never address this with her. But life isn’t black and white, it’s shades of all sorts of grey and the fact you’ve posted her shows, I think, deep down that you don’t want to pretend this lady doesn’t exist.

If you met and she shows no insight into her behaviour towards you, or similar, then take stock again. But honestly, the poor woman had reached out to you and explained how awful things have been, why you’d ignore that unless she’s toxic and you never really liked her much anyway, is beyond me. Some of those posts are cruel.

Also totally agree with @suggestionsplease1

I've been ghosted twice by the same person. I know it is about their difficulty with emotional consistency rather than my behavior.
But it hurt, it really hurt. They won't get a 3rd chance to hurt me.
(and I agree, it probably means more to you than it does to her)

Only you can know OP whether you can risk replying to her.
It might be what she and you need to move ahead.
Or you might just get hurt again.
Is it worth the gamble to you?

Depends how you would feel if she does it again. If you would be hurt, I wouldn't rekindle the friendship. She will have had hard times, Dementia is a hard illness, I know, I've watched someone from beginning to end, it was 8 years of pain. But then I'm sure you've been through things too where you could have used a friends support.
If you would be hurt by her doing it again, don't put yourself in that position.

@madcatladyforever

I won't have anything to do with anyone who ghosts me again. Includes a formerly good friend and my ex husband. There is simply no excuse for it whatsoever. It takes 5 minutes to say to someone look I can't cope with life right now you may not hear from me for a while. My "friend" totally ghosted me for 10 whole months when I was going through a hard time, didn't want to be bothered with it probably then popped up months later as if nothing had happened. I realised she wasnt a friend and told her our friendship had ended. Ghosting is incredibly childish.

@madcatladyforever I tend to agree but I think for some people they really are unable to even give it the headspace to write a text. I have a close friend who lost a parent and I literally didn’t hear a thing from her for 7 months. No update, nothing. My texts went unanswered.

She is ok now and we are back to our friendship. Whilst I wouldn’t deal with it, I don’t think, in her way, you can’t know unless you’re that person and that exact thing has happened to you. If I’d written her off for those few months of silence I would have since missed out on many many hilarious, supporting, kind, general texts that came afterwards.

It’s sometimes worth giving someone a chance even if it’s hurt you in the process. People do find things hard to deal with in ways that aren’t always obvious.

@SunshineSetty

Yes I agree. If you are very depressed then the '5 mins needed to send a text' should be easy but can feel quite impossible. And then the next day it feels harder so you ignore it and on it goes. Sporadically you reach out as you DO miss the person but then you can't sustain it as your issues are likely still there. It's about the ghoster most often rather than the ghostee as it were.

BUT the thing is, does the OP or anyone else that has been ghosted, willing to take the risk it will happen again. I suspect not.

There is a distinct lack of compassion on this thread. Caring for sick relatives is all consuming and devastating to relationships. I understand you wanting to protect your feelings OP but sometimes life is so difficult as a carer, emotional withdrawal is the only way to survive it.

She sounds like she has got in touch with you because she is having a tough time and needs a friend. If the friendship had fizzled once then that would be more forgivable IMHO but the fact she indicated she wanted to be friends again one before and then backed off again would make me find it hard to trust her.

I've had this from two old friends this year. Cards or emails after a long silence.

I just assume they've had to deal with a rough patch in their lives, that 2020 has been difficult for everyone and that if meeting up for a walk might rekindle a friendship then it's worth the investment of an hour or two.

@joietoujours
I've a lot of compassion for someone with such severe depression that a 5min email is too much to manage. I've been there myself.
I've a lot of compassion for someone who is so overwhelmed with caring responsibilities that they have no time / energy. I am there now

But having been ghosted I know how much energy that can drain.
So it's not about lack of compassion for the ghoster. It's about whether the OP wants to go down that path again - does she have the energy (and will it end up the same way, good for neither of them?)

[quote Ghostedxoxo]@Mummyoflittledragon I'm not sure I have moved on to the extent I wouldn't feel hurt if I was ghosted a second time. I'm not sure I can risk going through it again as it really affected my mental health at the time.[/quote]
Then I think you should do what it best for you however hard it is for the other person.

If you’re still unsure, you can always compromise. Eg Respond by saying you are sorry she went through such a hard time. And being ghosted by her was really upsetting, ergo you need time to reflect and adjust to her latest message.

@Wanderlusto srsly

I'd be distracted by other things and send a brief reply in a few days when I get a spare minute if I remember. condolences for her mum and divorce, tell that you're all well and leave it at that.

She's sent her address but no invitation to meet. There is no mileage in telling her how hurt you were, she clearly knows that so no point engaging with the 'offended' remark. Water under the bridge, you've moved on. If she's had a hard time for whatever reason or MH issues that's sad for her but old friends who do stuff like this are best filed in the casual acquaintance box.

I have one of these, known her over 40 years. she had marriage issues and treated me like shit for a while then cut us off. She lost a parent recently too and I think that can often be a catalyst for people reconnecting with old friends. after a 6 year gap and a couple of texts she came to visit and it was fine but I was so busy she had to fit in around a typical weekend, I didn't prioritise her visit or plan for it (thought she'd cancel) and I had no expectations of our friendship being as it had been when we were young, it was fun to see her and catch up but otherwise unimportant. I haven't thought of her until I read your post.

Only let her back into your life if you're busy enough to not really have much headspace for her, or you really wouldn't mind your plans cancelled at the last minute and being binned again.

Am I the only person reading this that thinks you should meet her to find out her perspective?

Maybe you unknowingly upset her? Maybe you could learn something from this about yourself.

I mean it probably says more about her than you but are you not even interested to see if there was something you could have done differently.

@smariewrtr

Am I the only person reading this that thinks you should meet her to find out her perspective?

Maybe you unknowingly upset her? Maybe you could learn something from this about yourself.

I mean it probably says more about her than you but are you not even interested to see if there was something you could have done differently.

I did indeed torture myself when I was first ghosted to wonder what I could have done to upset my friend. I went over it in my mind repeatedly. I now think that it's too late now to put right anything I might have done or not done.

Can I just ask, did you know her husband well. Could it be that he was abusive. I only ask because I was in an abusive relationship and by the end of it I hadn't even seen my family for weeks. Most of my friendships had dies to. It was easier not to go out or meet up with anyone as the shit I got for doing so was too much. I became completely isolated, thats what abuse does and ive had to wodk hard at revuilding those relationships since. I could be way off but just a thought.
In any case it sounds like she has had a very tough time, but like you I would be hurt that a friend had cut me off. I wouldn't be able to feel offended Ibut that's probably me being selfish, I would be hurt that they had ignored me rather than letting my support them, as I said I'm aware that's probably not the nicest way to feel but we are human and can't help being hurt.
In any case you sound like you're having issues just ignoring the contact and that it would play on your mind if you didn't reach out to her.

@ALittleBitConfused1

Can I just ask, did you know her husband well. Could it be that he was abusive. I only ask because I was in an abusive relationship and by the end of it I hadn't even seen my family for weeks. Most of my friendships had dies to. It was easier not to go out or meet up with anyone as the shit I got for doing so was too much. I became completely isolated, thats what abuse does and ive had to wodk hard at revuilding those relationships since. I could be way off but just a thought. In any case it sounds like she has had a very tough time, but like you I would be hurt that a friend had cut me off. I wouldn't be able to feel offended Ibut that's probably me being selfish, I would be hurt that they had ignored me rather than letting my support them, as I said I'm aware that's probably not the nicest way to feel but we are human and can't help being hurt. In any case you sound like you're having issues just ignoring the contact and that it would play on your mind if you didn't reach out to her.

Yes, I did know her husband well. I'd be surprised to find out he had been abusive as he seemed like a nice chap. I suppose you never know what happens behind closed doors. My impression was that she found her husband's company a bit wearing, and I wasn't surprised to learn that they had split up.

If it was me, I’d send a card in response. I’d say “I was very sorry to hear about your mum. Terrible year we’ve all had. Let’s hope 2021 is better for us all. Take care” then you’ve responded but put the ball back in her court

"I did indeed torture myself when I was first ghosted to wonder what I could have done to upset my friend. I went over it in my mind repeatedly. I now think that it's too late now to put right anything I might have done or not done."

But do you think you as a person would be better off knowing? Even if this relationship is dead it might help you in future?

I was in a situation where a friend ghosted me and I didn't know why. I met her years later and she felt that I was too loved up and obsessed with my baby. Separately her heart was breaking because she was in an abusive relationship and the biological clock was ticking. I didn't mean to make her feel bad, but I can see from her perspective she didn't want to see me. It helped to me understand. Our friendship will never be the same but at least we see other's perspective and if we meet up (with others in a group or just in passing) it isn't awkward. We respect that we have nothing in common anymore and I definitely wish her well.

Was it a wonderful friendship before 4 years ago?
If it was me (but I’m very sentimental!) I would reply saying it was so lovely to hear from her after so long as I had assumed she didn’t want to stay in touch. I’d say I was sorry about her Mum and that it would be great to catch up if she wants to give me a call.
Then you put the ball firmly in her court and she has to make the effort. If she makes the effort and explains what has happened over the past 4 years you may be able to forgive her and move on and enjoy the friendship again. You’ll never know if you don’t take a risk.
If you don’t give her a chance I do wonder if you might end up regretting it.

idk wether you should or should not see her but your feelings of hurt with the way she ended your friendship are very real and shouldn not be diminished in any way which is what she did in her message saying 'she hoped I hadn't been offended by her absence.' if you do see her or respond make sure you convey how hurt you were

"offended by her absence" that would clinch it for me. I am generally about giving people a second chance as we all make mistakes but I don't know how you would ever move forward until she acknowledged how hurtful her behavior was- she is just minimizing it.
Every bit of bad behavior people seem to blame on MH problems but I don't believe it is a get out of jail card here. You don't treat people like that, certainly not after 30 years

Tbh, in these circumstances, I would accept the olive branch. It sounds like she's had a really difficult time; losing a loved one to Alzheimer's is truly horrendous. The DH of a close friend of mine has developed Alzheimer's and it's really tragic to witness the deterioration (he's a friend too).

It sounds to me as if your friend has come out the other side and is trying to rebuild her life now.

I would meet up with her. I am at the other end of crippling depression and I can understand how even the thought of sending a text can be overwhelming.

Also how well do you know her husband? I wonder is he part of the situation?

I wouldn't reply to her she has hurt you a lot and more than once.

There's no way I would keep in touch with her and perhaps it's about time she had a taste of her own medicine

When someone let's you down that many times it naturally gets to the point of no return, so don't feel guilty, this is down to her.

Not hearing anything and not even a little message to say a thank you for the present you sent her is inexcusable.

She sounds very selfish and/or very ignorant.

Concentrate on nice people who you can trust.