When someone who has ghosted you makes contact after a long time

[Ghostedxoxo]

Had a thirty year friendship which ended four years ago when my friend appeared to not want me in her life anymore. Texts went unanswered. When I tried to call, she was unavailable to meet up. I found it spectacularly painful as I assumed that I must have done something to offend, but had no idea what it could be. There had been no argument, nothing I could think of that would make her not want to be in touch. We didn't rely on each other for emotional support in any way, so it seemed unlikely that I had been too demanding in some way. I must have spent hours pouring over text messages, wondering what I could possibly have done that would end such a long friendship without explanation. I actually felt depressed for a time as the not knowing was awful.

She did send a text about 3 and a half years ago, apologising that she hadn't been a good friend and that things have been difficult. I did reply to the text, but heard nothing more. I also tried to phone her to see if she was ok. Although she spoke about meeting up, she ultimately backed out of actually doing it and resumed ghosting me. The birthday present I sent was also ignored. I had no choice but to draw a line under the friendship, however painful.

Last year, I got a Christmas card from her saying it would be nice to meet up. I didn't respond as she had paid lip service to meeting up before and it turned out that she really didn't want to. I had found it humiliating to keep trying and being rebuffed.

This year, I have now received another Christmas card with a short note telling me that a dear friend had died and her mother had lost her battle to Alzheimer's. She had split up with her husband and she gave me her new address, saying that she hoped I hadn't been offended by her absence.

I now feel that I don't know whether I can face trying to rebuild the friendship again. It sounds like she has had a tough time recently, so it seems mean to ignore her card/note. However, I found the no contact with no explanation for the past four years heart breaking.

Has anyone else had this scenario and what did you end up doing?

I have been in your exact situation. It is very painful.
I wouldn't let her back into your life. The trust has gone and it has opened old wounds.

Walk away and save your sanity.

I think the reason for her absence while having all these horrid issues in her life, was that you didn't rely for emorional support from each other, as you say OP.
She may have been in the pits of stress/depression and culd not face small talk over a drink, or habitual outings/hobbies or whatever you used to do.
Some posters seem to completely misunderstand this as say oh, she only needs you in bad times- but the rimes ar over now, so it's the other way round.
Maybe she didnt want to burden OP with problems as they were not used to sharing that.
She's prob no idea you were that upset, OP, taking the above into account.
But since you were upset, probably best not to go back there, but I would at least reply and calmly explain that you found her disappearance too hurtful and althoufgh you understand her reasons now, you just don't feel like resuming the old friendship.

*but the bad times are over

Friend: I'm sorry I didn't text you back but my mum died of alzheimers, my marriage has failed and I've had to deal with all of the above.

MN: what a selfish c*nt.

Fml.

@CatAndHisKit and @baileys6904
I do understand what you mean and I pro ably seem heartless if I don't reply to her note. I just can't face contacting her as it has dredged up the pain of the ghosting. I don't even have a phone number for her anymore. I deleted her from my contacts list a while back as her name was always at the top due to the position of her name alphabetically. I was finding it too painful to have her name flashing up every time I looked up someone's number. If I were to respond, it would have to be a letter. Not sure I can face it at the moment.