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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

where’s he gone???

128 replies

confused67 · 30/12/2020 16:48

So close to giving up on dating completely!!!!

I’ve been talking to a guy I met on hinge for about a month now. We hit it off instantly and have been chatting every day. More recently we started to FaceTime, chat all day, send pics of our days and what we were up to, and finding out we had lots in common. We had to wait 4 weeks until we met up for a walk and we were really excited to meet. We both made it clear we were looking for something and we both mentioned how well we clicked when we first FaceTimed. It was so exciting!

Finally on the weekend we got to meet for a walk. He was texting beforehand saying how excited he was. And for me the date was amazing!!!! We spoke for hours and hours, the conversation was flowing. He gave little hints about how he liked me and wanted to see me again, such as saying places he wants to take me for a date when things open again. He also mentioned bubbling together so we can see each other again. I’ve honestly never laughed so much as I did when I was with him.
At the end of the date, he said he had the best time and suggested seeing me Wednesday (so 3 days later) and seemed really keen. It ended really really well and he said he couldn’t wait to see me again.

Since then he’d been a bit quiet but he still seemed interested and said he was looking forward to Wednesday.
Last night (Tuesday) we had a FaceTime planned for the evening to watch a film but I heard nothing from him all afternoon/evening. This was really out of character for him, and he didn’t turn up for the scheduled FaceTime, but I wasn’t too bothered because I thought well at least I’m seeing him tomorrow.

Didn’t hear a peep until 12:30pm today, when I was meant to have already left to meet him, and he eventually sends a pretty blunt text basically saying he’s sorry but he’s going to have to postpone because he’s been up with the poorly dog all night and that he’s sorry to bail so late.

I replied and since then I’ve heard absolutely nothing from him which is really really odd and I don’t think this has ever happened since we started talking. I’m completely baffled and I have literally no idea where he’s gone or what’s happened? I really want to believe him but his attitude has completely changed and he’s never not texted me all day. He still indicated high interest after the date and honestly I’m really cut up about this and really upset. What on earth has happened and what do I do here??

OP posts:
BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 30/12/2020 16:51

Seems a bit odd to question the whole thing when the first time he hits an incident (poorly dog) you question his entire process.

CodenameVillanelle · 30/12/2020 16:53

You spent a month developing a somewhat fantasy relationship and when you met in person he wasn't feeling it as much as he expected or hoped would be my guess.
That level of intensity of contact before meeting rarely leads to the type of relationship you hope for IME.

nolovelost · 30/12/2020 17:34

They always blame the pet! I've had that one.

Probably met someone else or can't be bothered. Don't text him again.

litterbird · 30/12/2020 17:43

Sorry OP this really sucks. It was an intense first few weeks, it rarely moves on from this because where has it to go? Its already intense and it looks like you over invested. He wasn't sadly. He was probably talking to many women and another came along to spark his interest and he is doing exactly the same thing to her as he did to you at the beginning. What is really telling is when you say about him not there for the FaceTime ..."This was really out of character for him". This man is still a stranger, you have known him for a month and hardly seen him in person. You do not know his character to make that judgement. Just learn from this and dont get swept up with all the fantasy relationships that OLD can make you believe. Take its slowly and steadily next time. Sorry OP it really sucks.

MaelyssQ · 30/12/2020 17:43

It sounds as if the online persona you presented didn't match up to your real life persona and he's realised the relationship is a non-starter. Hold your head high, you didn't do anything wrong, but don't text him again.

Original poster
confused67 · 30/12/2020 17:45

It’s more annoying because I was wary of building a relationship over text, but I had to isolate for weeks so we had no other choice but to do virtual dates. Also, he was definitely the one texting a lot and initiating things way more than me, and in the end I went along with it, so yeah it’s not a great feeling really :(

OP posts:
Aprilx · 30/12/2020 17:46

You probably lend to write this one off. Going forward don’t be so intense with somebody before you have met them in person and try to meet up in person much sooner so you don’t build up false expectations.

VivaMiltonKeynes · 30/12/2020 17:49

How was it left ? Plans to meet up again ?

KatharinaRosalie · 30/12/2020 17:51

Does he have a dog? When one of mine had a major health issue and 50-50 chance of not making it, dates would not have been high on my list.

Lampan · 30/12/2020 18:02

It sounds like it was all a bit full-on for someone you hadn’t even met until very recently. Try not to fall into the trap of thinking you know someone when you only met him the one time. Saying things like it seemed ‘out of character’ - you only know the image he was choosing to show you, this may not have been the real him.
I know it’s crap and I know the lockdown is making things hard for dating, but it’s best to meet up ASAP before dedicating a lot of time to messaging and chatting etc - in real life there might not be much chemistry. You didn’t do anything wrong, maybe he was chatting to others in the same way. Or maybe he will pop up again and you might want to give him another go, but if you do, proceed carefully and don’t forget what has happened.

Aminuts23 · 30/12/2020 18:02

Is FaceTiming to watch a film an actual thing? Sounds a bit invasive to me.

CodenameVillanelle · 30/12/2020 18:10

@Aminuts23

Is FaceTiming to watch a film an actual thing? Sounds a bit invasive to me.
It sounds dreadful!!
Original poster
confused67 · 30/12/2020 18:12

Why can’t people just be straight about it though? I’d be so much less upset if he was just honest about it rather than ghosting me and making me feel really anxious about what I did wrong or what’s going on

OP posts:
litterbird · 30/12/2020 18:12

@Aminuts23.....yes its a thing now to watch a movie together on FaceTime or Houseparty or Zoom...its as if you are in the room sitting next to each other. It got a bit much when 6 of my girlfriends watched the final of Strictly on Houseparty....it was chaos but fun.

Original poster
confused67 · 30/12/2020 18:14

And yeah it’s definitely a thing especially since lockdown! I thought it was quite fun but maybe not for everyone 😛

OP posts:
FabbyMagic · 30/12/2020 18:15

Sorry love, it does sound like he’s bailed. I guess there could be an ill dog but sounds unlikely. Does he have a dog will ill health...?

litterbird · 30/12/2020 18:16

@confused67

Why can’t people just be straight about it though? I’d be so much less upset if he was just honest about it rather than ghosting me and making me feel really anxious about what I did wrong or what’s going on
It really does suck this dating malarky. You did nothing wrong and I know we always spend hours then in a huge anxious state mulling over what you said, what you did or didn't do. This is dating now, he went over the top then pulled back realising that you were not now what he was looking for. You know now not to get involved with someone like this again as it just screws with the brain.
Original poster
confused67 · 30/12/2020 18:18

He does have a new pup and to be fair he does seem a bit of a handful, but it’s never been a reason for him to completely ghost me. I want to believe him but it just seems convenient given I met him the other day

OP posts:
Lampan · 30/12/2020 18:18

He won’t be straight about it cos he won’t want to limit his options too much. This way, he thinks he has the option to pop up again in future with a shit excuse about where he has been, and not have to burn his bridges by admitting he has lost interest or had a better offer. I think you know that if he was truly keen he wouldn’t go quiet on you like this, which is why I said before to be very careful if he does pop up again. Personally I would decline any further conversation with him as you have seen what he is capable of.

ChristmasBubble · 30/12/2020 18:19

Maybe his dog is ill?

I'd give him a few days and see what happens. All else is speculation.

2021isgoingtobeasshitas2020 · 30/12/2020 18:20

Sorry to say, but I expect he's married and his wife has found out.

CodenameVillanelle · 30/12/2020 18:27

@2021isgoingtobeasshitas2020

Sorry to say, but I expect he's married and his wife has found out.
It's far far more likely that he's just lost interest. No need to invent a wife. When you hear hooves, think horses not zebras
lovellost · 30/12/2020 18:45

I had the same thing happen to me. He blocked me half an hour after telling me if he was looking forward to seeing me for the date we had planned three days later . I was really hurt like you as I didn't see it coming. All you can do is hold back on the communication and see if he comes back but be prepared to be ghosted . Sort OP

VettiyaIruken · 30/12/2020 18:49

For some, it's the fantasy not the reality that excites them.

PatchworkElmer · 30/12/2020 18:49

So sorry OP. It doesn’t sound good to me. Hope I’m wrong though!