Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

where’s he gone???

128 replies

confused67 · 30/12/2020 16:48

So close to giving up on dating completely!!!!

I’ve been talking to a guy I met on hinge for about a month now. We hit it off instantly and have been chatting every day. More recently we started to FaceTime, chat all day, send pics of our days and what we were up to, and finding out we had lots in common. We had to wait 4 weeks until we met up for a walk and we were really excited to meet. We both made it clear we were looking for something and we both mentioned how well we clicked when we first FaceTimed. It was so exciting!

Finally on the weekend we got to meet for a walk. He was texting beforehand saying how excited he was. And for me the date was amazing!!!! We spoke for hours and hours, the conversation was flowing. He gave little hints about how he liked me and wanted to see me again, such as saying places he wants to take me for a date when things open again. He also mentioned bubbling together so we can see each other again. I’ve honestly never laughed so much as I did when I was with him.
At the end of the date, he said he had the best time and suggested seeing me Wednesday (so 3 days later) and seemed really keen. It ended really really well and he said he couldn’t wait to see me again.

Since then he’d been a bit quiet but he still seemed interested and said he was looking forward to Wednesday.
Last night (Tuesday) we had a FaceTime planned for the evening to watch a film but I heard nothing from him all afternoon/evening. This was really out of character for him, and he didn’t turn up for the scheduled FaceTime, but I wasn’t too bothered because I thought well at least I’m seeing him tomorrow.

Didn’t hear a peep until 12:30pm today, when I was meant to have already left to meet him, and he eventually sends a pretty blunt text basically saying he’s sorry but he’s going to have to postpone because he’s been up with the poorly dog all night and that he’s sorry to bail so late.

I replied and since then I’ve heard absolutely nothing from him which is really really odd and I don’t think this has ever happened since we started talking. I’m completely baffled and I have literally no idea where he’s gone or what’s happened? I really want to believe him but his attitude has completely changed and he’s never not texted me all day. He still indicated high interest after the date and honestly I’m really cut up about this and really upset. What on earth has happened and what do I do here??

OP posts:
MiddlesexGirl · 01/01/2021 14:32

Why is it beyond the whit of some people to do the decent thing and just be upfront about not wanting to meet again? Apologetic but upfront is much the best way to be for all involved.

Anyway, at least he's shown his colours before you invested too much time.

CharlotteRose90 · 01/01/2021 17:45

Definitely sounds like he’s met someone else at the same time sorry.

AramintaJames · 01/01/2021 20:05

You're not within your rights, no. He is within his rights to stop messaging you and phase out contact with you - he's done that. For you to now keep messaging him because you're 'baffled' lends itself to harassing him.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 01/01/2021 20:44

@confused67

not sure why I have the urge to say something though.. I feel like I’m well within my rights to but also I want to be the dignified person?
What rights though? You spoke for a while, met up and he decided he doesn't want to keep seeing you. You don't have an inherent right to know why or get a further explanation. I would say the same to a man or a woman. Sometimes people just don't fancy you, they don't want to say it outright so they either ghost or give excuses. It's not the end of the world and while an explanation is nice (or not, if it's that they didn't find you physically attractive / found you really annoying etc) it isn't something you're entitled to from someone you've seen a few times. Onwards and upwards, you are very fixated / entitled about this and maybe that came across to him.
Givemeabreak88 · 01/01/2021 21:02

Why do you keep texting him it’s a bit embarrassing, you went on ONE date. He’s just blanking you now. Seriously just stop.

Original poster
confused67 · 01/01/2021 21:34

how am i coming across entitled/embarrassing?! i don't 'keep texting him', I replied to his bailing text saying i hope his dog is okay and then i have sent ONE text since then that said happy new year - that's 2 texts. nothing to even react to what he's done, and nothing weird.
and he was actually the one being super keen and full-on before suddenly disappearing off the face of the earth so it's not that unreasonable to be upset/confused?

OP posts:
Givemeabreak88 · 01/01/2021 22:08

That’s 3 text, you texted him he didn’t respond, you did again and he didn’t respond , so why did you text again ? Yes sorry it’s all a bit full on and cringy just move on.

Original poster
confused67 · 01/01/2021 22:10

no, that's 2 texts... 1. saying his dog is okay and 2. happy new year... lol

OP posts:
WunWun · 01/01/2021 22:15

Why are you confused though? People have pointed out that he is just not interested, so wtf are you texting happy new year to him? To someone who has quite clearly cut contact with you because he is clearly not interested in you? THAT is what's embarrassing!

CharlotteRose90 · 01/01/2021 22:18

The awkward thing with dating is that when someone blatantly ghosts you like he is it’s a bit cringy to keep texting someone. I’ve done it it in the past now I follow the 3 day rule. Give it 3 days and if you haven’t heard from him at all it means he isn’t thinking about you and to leave it.

Givemeabreak88 · 01/01/2021 22:20

Oh ok I was saying that you replied saying hope his dog is ok, he didn’t reply, then you text later to ask again if he was ok, he didn’t reply, then you text again happy near year. That is a bit much for someone that has been ignoring you.

Feebs0 · 01/01/2021 22:31

UGH this is total bullsh*it!! Flowers

When I was single I had all sorts of this crap. It’s clear he’s lost interest (sorry OP, this is no reflection on you) but why not just say so? Or why make all those pointless promises so early on when you’re clearly not sure???

Such people hate honesty and although you know the answer already you could always be direct and ask him if he’s not interested anymore as I think people like this should learn a bloody lesson. I bet he will fob you off again though. Hmm

It’s so frustrating. I am now with my DP who is nothing but honest and was into me and committed from the first date so there was light at the end of the tunnel.

My gut feeling is the dog thing is rubbish. Even if it were true, if he’s been up ‘all night’ he could have let you know sooner than that, and also why deliver it in a blunt way? He should have been really apologetic if he were as into you as he claimed.

He is doing you a favour, who wants a wishy washy twazock who spins false promises and doesn’t have the balls to tackle the daunting task of he isn’t into you. Ooo, so scary Wink

SlightlyJaded · 01/01/2021 22:39

Yes, seemed like 3 text to me as well. The initial response to his dog text, the text you described as the quick 'hope everything is ok' message and the Happy New Year. You should have stopped at number two.

But I am being harsh - it's shit and you want to believe there is still hope, I understand. But there isn't. If someone wants to message you or see you, they will 100% find time.

Givemeabreak88 · 01/01/2021 22:41

I guess I’m just saying you’ve sent the last 3 messages with no response from him so to me that is 3 messages with no response.

Feebs0 · 01/01/2021 22:42

Didn’t see the post where you said you’d text new year and he ignore that too. I wouldn’t send another after that. The arse.

MuckyPlucky · 01/01/2021 22:54

OP I feel like the most recent responses you’ve had on here have been really harsh and unfair.

I TOTALLY get why you’re lost, hurt and bamboozled by his weird hot/cold behaviour. I too had a whirlwind start to a r’ship on Tinder- we took things fast in terms of intensity of messaging/calls/feelings etc. I was fortunate that in that case it worked out, but if he’d suddenly done a U-turn like you describe I’d’ve been totally shocked & floored. I totally identify: you were both feeling exhilarated, like you’d ‘clicked’, and bowled-over. You weren’t to know he’s the kind of person to blow so hot & cold. It’s no reflection on you.

I think the thing some PPs are overlooking is that AFTER the date he was still gushy and pushing for the date 3 days hence, and in the space of the next 24hrs went completely silent. That’s a HUGE turnaround in anyone’s book.

Housing101 · 01/01/2021 22:59

Block and delete

WunWun · 01/01/2021 23:01

I'm not overlooking that in the slightest. They'd still only met once. This is just what online dating is like.

At least the OP has learnt the lesson of not wasting a load of time on messaging and face timing before meeting someone.

Givemeabreak88 · 01/01/2021 23:04

No one is over looking it, everyone thinks his behaviour has been bad but it was only one date, I think all this “bubbling” with someone you’ve only met once is mad anyway. People seem to be taking dating way too serious at the moment and rushing to get serious when really the person is still a complete stranger. He obviously didn’t “feel” things irl, he’s made it clear he isn’t interested just the constant texting someone who is ignoring you is a bit cringy I can get doing it with an ex or whatever but this was someone she only met once irl, he doesn’t owe her anything.

Ithinkim · 01/01/2021 23:18

Don't text him anymore.

He's shown you who he is, be grateful and move on.

lemonsquashie · 02/01/2021 08:34

Have had a similar in the past. More than once. It's frustrating, why use the dog excuse and if he was genuinely keen, he'd offer an alternative date.

You have to remember that he is probably chatting with multiple people. Building relationships with more than one.

I would bet that he texts you again in a week or two. Delete and block because he is a time waster

chocobaby · 02/01/2021 08:50

I’m sorry OP, that this happened. It’s one date so it’s ok. I think chatting for a long time without meeting has it’s ‘dangers’. You may eventually meet and find that the persona you’d built in your head isn’t what it is in reality.
It’s ok for him not to feel it, but the right thing is to communicate like adults.
Please don’t text anymore. I’d block him if I were you and delete his number. No more texts and calls. Yes they are all super keen at the start and are very nice but soon enough you get to know them for the lying twats they are. I went through similar in the last week or so (see my post). I blocked, deleted, unmatched and moved on. It’s one of those things with online dating. Just be sure to date more than one guy at a time If you can afford the time for that.
Chin up! It’s a new year. Let’s hope it works out next time. 💕

chopc · 02/01/2021 08:57

Why don't people pick the phone up and try to talk anymore?

CodenameVillanelle · 02/01/2021 09:01

@chopc

Why don't people pick the phone up and try to talk anymore?
How would that be better? If the man isn't interested then a phone call will be worse than an unanswered text. And to answer your question communication has changed over the past 10 years with the growth of the smart phone. Phone calls are not commonly used in dating.
MiddlesexGirl · 02/01/2021 09:04

@WunWun

I'm not overlooking that in the slightest. They'd still only met once. This is just what online dating is like.

At least the OP has learnt the lesson of not wasting a load of time on messaging and face timing before meeting someone.

A bit difficult in these covid times.