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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

where’s he gone???

128 replies

confused67 · 30/12/2020 16:48

So close to giving up on dating completely!!!!

I’ve been talking to a guy I met on hinge for about a month now. We hit it off instantly and have been chatting every day. More recently we started to FaceTime, chat all day, send pics of our days and what we were up to, and finding out we had lots in common. We had to wait 4 weeks until we met up for a walk and we were really excited to meet. We both made it clear we were looking for something and we both mentioned how well we clicked when we first FaceTimed. It was so exciting!

Finally on the weekend we got to meet for a walk. He was texting beforehand saying how excited he was. And for me the date was amazing!!!! We spoke for hours and hours, the conversation was flowing. He gave little hints about how he liked me and wanted to see me again, such as saying places he wants to take me for a date when things open again. He also mentioned bubbling together so we can see each other again. I’ve honestly never laughed so much as I did when I was with him.
At the end of the date, he said he had the best time and suggested seeing me Wednesday (so 3 days later) and seemed really keen. It ended really really well and he said he couldn’t wait to see me again.

Since then he’d been a bit quiet but he still seemed interested and said he was looking forward to Wednesday.
Last night (Tuesday) we had a FaceTime planned for the evening to watch a film but I heard nothing from him all afternoon/evening. This was really out of character for him, and he didn’t turn up for the scheduled FaceTime, but I wasn’t too bothered because I thought well at least I’m seeing him tomorrow.

Didn’t hear a peep until 12:30pm today, when I was meant to have already left to meet him, and he eventually sends a pretty blunt text basically saying he’s sorry but he’s going to have to postpone because he’s been up with the poorly dog all night and that he’s sorry to bail so late.

I replied and since then I’ve heard absolutely nothing from him which is really really odd and I don’t think this has ever happened since we started talking. I’m completely baffled and I have literally no idea where he’s gone or what’s happened? I really want to believe him but his attitude has completely changed and he’s never not texted me all day. He still indicated high interest after the date and honestly I’m really cut up about this and really upset. What on earth has happened and what do I do here??

OP posts:
Nomoresleeps · 30/12/2020 18:49

This can happen after a first date, even if it seemed to go well and you both want to meet up again. It just goes off the boil or one of you changes your mind. I’ve done it myself.

AnImposter · 30/12/2020 18:53

'Eurgh my dog is sick'

Took me 0.5 seconds to write. There is no way he didn't have time to say that the night before instead of ignoring your plans.

He's either shown absolutely no respect for your time, or he's a liar, Chuck it in the fuck it bucket and on to the next! Xx

Original poster
confused67 · 30/12/2020 18:58

1000% this! If he was up all night/morning he could’ve taken 30 seconds to let me know before I was already meant to be on my way 😬. Think that answers my own question haha, giving up on dating I swear

OP posts:
Missingthebridegene · 30/12/2020 19:01

I was once ghosted like this after three wonderful dates and lots of chatting...he got in touch about two months later and explained that he was a 'secret smoker' and I'd mentioned in passing that I'd struggle to date a smoker so he ended it before I could (whilst he went away to quit smoking!) x

pictish · 30/12/2020 19:04

“You spent a month developing a somewhat fantasy relationship and when you met in person he wasn't feeling it as much as he expected or hoped would be my guess.”

Pretty much this, I expect. It won’t be anything wrong was such...but he probably wasn’t as bowled over as you and didn’t like to say.
Sorry though. X

Sunshinelove8 · 30/12/2020 19:28

I think most online daters have multiple people on the go they are chatting too and it’s like being in a sweet shop . Some find it too hard to just go with one and think there’s someone even better round the corner .
Like another poster said , it may have been something that was said - I remember one guy I went on a date with said something scathing about his mum and I found it unacceptable , I called off further meet ups and he was totally bemused . It could be a really basic difference in lifestyles which is a no no for him . You’re still strangers so it’s easier to just ghost or say the bear minimum explanation wise . I’ve never ghosted anyone as I think it’s really unfair and would always text them the next day to just say there wasn’t a spark but was never brave enough to specify exactly why! Guys were always surprised as I’m super chatty and assumed we’d got on well. Perhaps he’s chatty with everyone and you thought it was a special connection?
As another poster said - it takes seconds to be polite and let you know he wouldn’t make FaceTime/date . I think it’s really rude as you’re waiting about and could’ve made other plans .
I met lots of strange ones online - those that text loads but never managed to meet up, those that gradually flake out after a couple of seemingly great dates . Your hopes do get dashed . It’s hard not to get excited and think this is the ‘one ‘ By the time I met my husband I was militant - we still laugh about it now . I told him after a few days of texting ‘ are we meeting or what then ? I’m busy and can’t keep texting constantly’, I let him arrange dates and chase me and kept myself busy , I kept dating and not hanging it all on him until we both decided we were exclusive . You’ll get there , I’d nearly given up hope , it’s a numbers game - keep going ! X

WunWun · 30/12/2020 19:32

This isn't dating though. Speaking for ages before meeting is a complete waste of time. You can't possibly know if you like someone before meeting them.

It sounds like because you've both been hyping it up so much beforehand that when you actually met he just went along with the general hyped up vibe rather than just saying he didn't feel it in person. Now he's slowly backing out.

80sColourfulChristmas · 30/12/2020 20:44

What a coward!!! Be thankful OP, that he's not waited until you'd slept together. You've proper dodged a bullet here! Phew! Wine

80sColourfulChristmas · 30/12/2020 20:45

I gave up on dating a long time ago. Staying single until my 6yr old is grown up and will then be off on SAGA holidays to meet fellow oldies! That's the plan, anyway.... Xmas Grin

newyearisnewtome · 30/12/2020 21:18

I reckon he is slowly trying to ghost you! But if I've learned anything from OLD it's to keep chatting to as many guys you click with. Don't put all your eggs in one basket, especially after just under a month! He is showing you the type of guy he is OR he is showing you that he isn't that in to you. Get back out there and keep at least 2 guys going at the same time, and until it' official with one, don't cut communication with the others. Men online will drop women at the drop of a hat.

Packitin · 30/12/2020 22:19

I always wonder why people do this. Why not just say, the vibe isn't there? It happens. Ghosting is awful behaviour.

Simple rule for me. If they are interested, you'll know about it. If you're getting mixed signals...that's your answer.

He doesn't have the balls to just be honest and knows this will fuck with your head but does it anyway.

Good riddance...try not to let one dickhead put you off. X

Ps. Dog story is a lie. A shit, lazy lie at that.

Original poster
confused67 · 30/12/2020 22:37

Thanks everyone, your comments earlier made me feel better but now I’m feeling awful again :( I just can’t believe someone could do this and not feel the slightest bit bad haha

OP posts:
pictish · 30/12/2020 22:50

You don’t know he doesn’t feel bad. It is a difficult thing to say to someone isn’t it, particularly when the expectation was so high after all the build up. If you’d turned up on the day and realised he wasn’t your cup of tea, what would you have done?

Original poster
confused67 · 31/12/2020 10:10

Sent him one last quick text last night saying I hope everything is okay. Absolutely nothing back. I’m so baffled seeing as even on Monday (the day after the date) he was saying how much fun we had, being flirty and how excited he was to see me again. It’s not even like he did a slow fade since the date. I’m soooooo confused, what a headfuck to literally go from 100 to 0

OP posts:
Sunshinelove8 · 31/12/2020 10:25

May be he’s scared of the commitment or the intensity suddenly ( some people like the idea of a relationship but can’t face one ) or he has someone else he likes more or he decided you’re not the one for him for some reason . It’s hard to understand why decent people ghost others and can’t just be upfront about it . You’re just left dangling and confused :/

scrumpledtitskin · 31/12/2020 10:26

@confused67 it's shit, it really is. But delete his message thread then his number so you can't contact him again.
Some people like to block, but I feel it gives the impression you're angry. Which you should be by the way, but he doesn't need to know that and likely wouldn't care anyway.
If he messages again just read and delete it so you can't reply. He is not worth your time or angst.
In a few weeks he'll be a memory, soon you'll not be feeling so hurt.
I speak from a lot on online dating experience!

newyearisnewtome · 31/12/2020 12:19

Aww OP dont message him again honestly. Move on. I would even delete and block him. If you don't and he does return, you're only letting him know that you're prepared to accept that behaviour and in a way it shows a bit of desperation...which hopefully you are not! Plenty more fish in the sea.

desperatelyseeking1 · 31/12/2020 13:30

Has he read the latest message from you yet or been online?

Agree it's a head fuck. I would give the benefit of the doubt at least for the best day or so only because you have no idea what's happened, has dog taken a turn for the worse etc, but I agree a two second text is all it takes. Any longer then that then for some reason he's ghosting , cowardly as that is.

pictish · 31/12/2020 13:36

At the risk of being blunt, there’s no confusion...the date in person revealed that you aren’t what he’s looking for.
It doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you...or that he has dicked you about particularly...his worst crime is cowardice I suppose. Given the intense nature of the contact leading up to the date he wasn’t brave enough to own up to it. He’d rather just dodge contact and let it slide.

There was a thread on here recently...was actually quite amusing...about silly/petty reasons people haven’t gone on a second date. What turns people on or off is so subjective. It can be the slightest thing.

Forget him.

Original poster
confused67 · 31/12/2020 13:44

I don’t know if he’s read it as he has receipts turned off but I have seen him online a couple of times since (admittedly not much). I did think maybe something happened to the dog and he genuinely is busy/having space but I think that’s me trying to see the best in people!
I think I know the answer now sadly :(

OP posts:
cracracatlady · 31/12/2020 13:50

Oh god! Never message him again. Delete and move on.

Packitin · 31/12/2020 13:55

Definitely no good. Even if he did get back in touch...its a big no no for me. Ghosting and generally being weird and not being mature enough to say why.... reveals his true colours.

Be hurt, be baffled, its normal. Then try and forget him asap. Usually a new man helps take the edge off Grin

dottiedodah · 31/12/2020 16:16

DD has had experiences like this .People coming on to her strong ,then not even turning up for the date! Maybe his pup was ill who knows .Strange that he hasnt come back to you though .So many people seem to like being online ,chatting and then getting cold feet at the first chance of anything happening!

CodenameVillanelle · 31/12/2020 16:21

@confused67

I don’t know if he’s read it as he has receipts turned off but I have seen him online a couple of times since (admittedly not much). I did think maybe something happened to the dog and he genuinely is busy/having space but I think that’s me trying to see the best in people! I think I know the answer now sadly :(
If his dog was ill and he really wanted to see you again he would still be contacting you.
Mermaidwaves · 31/12/2020 16:33

I've found once their texting behaviour and tone changes that it....they've lost interest. It seems to be the modern way for men to overwhelm you with their texting and attention and then it all stops, it seems to happen to me everytime. Its nothing you've done wrong OP, however he should have the guts to tell you. Next time just be wary for a long time as this won't be the first time this happens unfortunately. Online dating has made me horribly cynical about men as they all seem to behave the same way. There must be a guide they all follow or something Hmm