Has anyone else decided to stay single..?

[WarmestRoomInTheHouse]

Has anyone else decided to stay single because their experience of men and relationships is so bad?

Between men who are toxic/abusive; have unrealistic/'traditional' expectations of women; are damaged by porn; just plain old sexist; passing the time whilst on the look out/holding out for the sort of woman they actually want; critical of me; turned out to be married; just not that into me; rode roughshod over my boundaries; treated me as generic 'girlfriend' rather than an individual and, in many cases, a combination of the above etc etc etc I haven't had a boyfriend who genuinely liked me since I was a teenager and I left my teenage years coming up to 3 decades ago!

I've not even had good relationship experiences along the way that just haven't worked out.

After disastrous spells of online dating; meeting men at work; meeting men who were friends of friends; meeting, or rather failing to meet, men through hobbies, I've given up.

I have a full life and I'm a decent person. But a kind, loving, mutually respectful, supportive relationship is something that has completely eluded me my whole life.

I don't 'need' a man to complete me but I feel I'm missing out on something that is such an important part of the human experience and it just makes me really sad.

My friends (male and female) have all said they can't understand it. Some have suggested my expectations might be too high.

I'm not on a constant search for a man and I'm content to be single but I've reached the point where I've decided, for my own sanity, that I need to close myself off even to the possibility of meeting someone.

Anyone else?

I was the same after my divorce and personally I wouldn't really want to live with a man again. I'm not against dating or having a nice man to go out for meals or cinema with, etc. That's not actually all that easy to find but not impossible. Online dating very draining though which is unfortunate.

Also it depends on what age you are, I'm 40 and have a young child, so that probably influences my decision.

But I agree that for your sanity that it's best (and entirely possible) to be content a single than to be feeling you're living a half life because you're not in a relationship.

I'm late 40s and have older children (adult and late teens).

I dont know if I'd want to live with a man.

I think I really want to have the experience of being in a kind, loving relationship. Just to know what it's like really.

You know that whole, it's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all thing? I'd just like to have had that even if it were just memories now.

I don't even have memories.

I've decided to stay single I'm in my fifties and have been single for 5 years now I find that men my age find women "useful" but don't really want to develop a full on committed relationship.

I don't know how to come to terms with it or to make peace with the fact it's not going to happen.

I find that men my age find women "useful" but don't really want to develop a full on committed relationship.

Yes, I guess I'm finding similar.

We are useful but, in their hearts and minds, they still think they will meet a hot 30 year old and they are holding out for her.

I just wish I'd experienced some of this when I was younger.

I feel my time has passed for a loving relationship now without ever having had it.

I have chosen to remain single. One soul crushing relationship was enough for me.

I dont envy the lives my married friends have even, they strike me as a massive compormise a lot of the time.

I only miss sex really.

I'm single (4 years since my divorce). I have to be honest and say that I wake up everyday and feel blessed that I can do what I want in life (I'm late 40's).
It's when i walk around supermarkets and see couples bickering, or talk to miserably married friends that I'm glad I'm single !

Yes to all of this.
The book 'The Unexpected Joy of Being Single' by Catherine Gray was a real mindset changer for me.

I dont envy the lives my married friends have even, they strike me as a massive compormise a lot of the time.

I've certainly known people in marriages like this but all the married couples I know now are very happy.

Some are second marriages that have come after the pain of abuse and divorce, some have weathered the pain of infertility, one survived the pain of a wandering eye but nothing happened (I know because I was the object of the wandering eye) but they are now happier and more 'together'than they have been in many years. But I've not even got a single good, positive or happy memory of a time when I was loved or cherished to draw on. There's just nothing. It's a barren landscape and I just don't know how it happened.

How have I got to this age and stage in my life without ever having experienced it once?

I feel like I live with the pain of a broken heart every day and there's nothing I can do about it. There won't be happier times ahead, I won't find love 'again'. I'm most likely half way through my life. My best years are behind me. I have no one to look forward to making plans with, no one to reassure me when times are hard, no one to enjoy things with. It just makes me really sad.

I think I'd be more content with it now if I'd ever had it.

This isn't a "will never find love again?" type post because I never had it to begin with.

I just can't help but wonder what is wrong with me.

As much as I would truly love to be in a relationship, I just don't think I have the emotional strength to lower my guard ever again.

I've only had a few serious relationships but all of them involved some kind of abuse. I've taken time to work on myself and can certainly see the role I played and why I attract these men. However, after therapy galore and much soul searching I honestly cannot see myself with another man, ever again.

I thought my last partner was different from the others and the nicest, most genuine man I'd ever met. For the first time ever, I loved who I was around him. When he broke up with me, he convinced me it was due to his depression. I was left with wonderful memories and believing he was really a lovely man, who brought out my best qualities, but it just didn't work out. Very recently I discovered he is actually a serial cheat, who feigned depression to cheat and lie. This really has hit me hard. If I truly loved who I was around a highly skilled manipulator, what the fuck does that say?

I get pissed off with comments from friends about me meeting someone. Why is it expected that the norm is for us all to be coupled up? I actually have questioned people, who've questioned me about being single, as to why they cannot bear to live alone - why they feel the need to be in a relationship. Stupid I know, but it grates on me when people question me. Like it's that easy to just miraculously find your soul mate.

I've been happily single since 2013 and intend to remain that way.

Not because I've not found a decent man. My last LTR was not abusive, we were together 4yrs but we wanted different things. Before that one I'd been married 5yrs. He was not abusive but changes I made In working on my MH and emotional strength left him feeling un-needed and his insecurity led to the marriage becoming toxic for both of us.

I have a few fuck buddies, but I would never choose to live with anyone again. I like my own company and having things my own way. As much as I love my son, I can't wait for him to move out.

So ,yes, it's not so much that I'm single that bothers me. I quite like beign single. And I'm quite happy being single.

It's that I've reached this age and no one has ever fallen in love with me. No one has ever thought I was worth committing to. No one has ever felt lucky to have found me. No one has ever seen 'me'.

firecracker69

That sounds awful. You must have been devastated by that experience.

I know what you mean about not wanting to lower your guard again.

It doesn't seem worth it just for the chance or the possibility.

Even men I've met who I know actively want a relationship have never found what they were looking for in me.

I’m early 40s and since my divorce I’m pretty happy being single. I had a happy marriage for years and now have a very good relationship with ex but I love being able to just be me and do what I want any time (barring my kids!) At the moment I can’t imagine living with someone again.

Friends who have ‘happy’ marriages also suffer a lot of shit within them which I don’t miss, bickering, arguing, walking on eggshells. I never have to deal with any of that ever again.

Everyone constantly asks when I’m going to date again. Society doesn’t like single women.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation

I've had fuck buddies and a couple of friends with benefits in the past. I've had casual things that were more than friendships but not quite relationships.

I don't want any of that anymore.

But I've never had a true relationship.

A friend was married twice. Both husbands cheated on her (one of the
husbands has had affairs in every one of his relationships so it's not just her). She therefore decided in her late 30s that she didn't want another relationship as she'd been hurt too much. She is now in her 60s! She's had a happy life being single!

Everyone constantly asks when I’m going to date again

People have stopped even asking me.

My last 'relationship' was with a friend of a friend but it went nowhere because he ticked too many of the boxes from my op.

It's just embarrassing now and I've realised I now go into a 'relationship' hoping it will be different this time but expecting it to be the same which means I hold back so, even if I were to meet someone, I wouldnt be able to be open or vulnerable.

So it not so much that I'm single now that bothers me. Just that I've never had love in my life.

I've decided to remain single after being widowed. I have had two relationships - first one was abusive and traumatised me, second was DH who was so lovely and kind. I think I met him by luck rather than judgement and that my own judgement is dodgy, I have a 50% chance of picking a twat based on past experience so it's safer to remain on my own. I think I would feel like I was betraying DH anyway.

@WarmestRoomInTheHouse

So ,yes, it's not so much that I'm single that bothers me. I quite like beign single. And I'm quite happy being single.

It's that I've reached this age and no one has ever fallen in love with me. No one has ever thought I was worth committing to. No one has ever felt lucky to have found me. No one has ever seen 'me'.

Are you sure its not the case that someone has felt that way, but the person who felt that way was someone you didnt feel the same way for?

I am in the same boat as you, i have never had a proper loving relationship, where we were both in love with each other and happy for a period of time. I am 38 now and to be honest I cant even imagine what that would feel like. But the thought of sharing my home with another adult full time does not appeal to me. Maybe i'll meet someone one day and be blown away, but I just cant see it, and to be honest there are so many wonderful things about life and you need to be careful you dont miss them focussing on a possible future Mr/Mrs 'Right'

I like being single. Im 41. Partner died 5 and 1/2 years ago. I can listen to what I want. Watch what I want. Spend what I want. Don't have to share a bed. Don't have to care what I look like naked. Eat what I want, talk to family, no arguing about the kids, no in-laws anymore. I feel safer. I did love him loads , even though he was controlling. It's still broken my heart. I can't let anyone else in . It's sad , but for me the benefits of being single outweigh the uncertainty of being with someone else again.

Are you sure its not the case that someone has felt that way, but the person who felt that way was someone you didnt feel the same way for?

If anyone ever has felt that way, it's not someone I've been in a relationship with and I was completely unaware of it. So I very much doubt it.

I think I'd feel differently if I'd ever had it.

My grandma was widowed in her 40s and she never dated again because she'd been happy with my grandad. I understood that. But I feel the lack of love so deeply.

It's a physical.pain that torments me and I don't know how to stop it.

I am content being single. I do some really good stuff and have fun (in normal times!) But knowing I'll have lived a whole life and die never having been loved is slowly killing me.

I can listen to what I want. Watch what I want. Spend what I want. Don't have to share a bed. Don't have to care what I look like naked. Eat what I want, talk to family, no arguing about the kids, no in-laws anymore. I feel safer.

I get, enjoy and appreciate all of these too.