Has anyone else decided to stay single..?

[WarmestRoomInTheHouse]

Has anyone else decided to stay single because their experience of men and relationships is so bad?

Between men who are toxic/abusive; have unrealistic/'traditional' expectations of women; are damaged by porn; just plain old sexist; passing the time whilst on the look out/holding out for the sort of woman they actually want; critical of me; turned out to be married; just not that into me; rode roughshod over my boundaries; treated me as generic 'girlfriend' rather than an individual and, in many cases, a combination of the above etc etc etc I haven't had a boyfriend who genuinely liked me since I was a teenager and I left my teenage years coming up to 3 decades ago!

I've not even had good relationship experiences along the way that just haven't worked out.

After disastrous spells of online dating; meeting men at work; meeting men who were friends of friends; meeting, or rather failing to meet, men through hobbies, I've given up.

I have a full life and I'm a decent person. But a kind, loving, mutually respectful, supportive relationship is something that has completely eluded me my whole life.

I don't 'need' a man to complete me but I feel I'm missing out on something that is such an important part of the human experience and it just makes me really sad.

My friends (male and female) have all said they can't understand it. Some have suggested my expectations might be too high.

I'm not on a constant search for a man and I'm content to be single but I've reached the point where I've decided, for my own sanity, that I need to close myself off even to the possibility of meeting someone.

Anyone else?

All my financial plans are made assuming I will just be single forever... after all, the only person who is guaranteed to look out for you is yourself at the end of the day!

^^this is what I have done.

/

To be honest I think this is what everyone should plan for. The only person you can rely on 100% to stick around until you die is yourself. Accepting this is liberating.

@JovialNickname

I agree; I'm single because I don't believe that the society and belief system that we currently hold in the UK is conducive to monogamous relationships any more. You may call it a generalisation and cite exceptions; that's fine. But on the whole, I believe that women want monogamous long term relationships (often to bring up children) and men want as much sex as they can get, with as many women as possible. And our modern society is set up entirely to enable the latter. From the benefits system being set up to support single mothers (why should I pay support out of my own pocket when the state will pay it anyway), to the erosion of any moral values around marriage and relationships (after all the man deserves what's best for HIM, and must put HIMSELF first), no religious beliefs any more to keep morality in check, little or no judgement from society when a man walks out on his partner and children; OLD where you just swipe on someone to shag them, and never see them again (and if the girl questions being ghosted she's in the wrong) to women embracing this state of affairs so much they don't even expect marriage or commitment any more, and some of them even endure dangerous medical procedures to ensure they have massive tits and big lips, because we all know men only want a porn star. Except when you do get him into bed he can't do anything, because he's so overstimulated by all the pornography he watches that a flesh and blood woman can no longer do anything for him.

So no I'll pass thanks!

I feel very much as you do, and I'm married! I feel like men are socialised to do the bear minimum, and women are expected to do it all, and even then it isn't enough. I don't understand what modern women get out of relationships at all. It's all been utterly eroded.

We were sold the myth in the 70s/80s that we could have it all. This meant, in fact, we could do it all but the rewards would not necessarily be ours. Then we taught our daughters and sons the same crap. So women of my generation (50s/60s) definitely need to rant from the rooftops about the patriarchy and all its faults.

I think as we have become more financially independent there are fewer of us willing to put up with poor relationships. In fairness I think men probably see fewer advantages to having relationships also so here we are!

I’m mid thirties and this post really resonates after four years of wholly unappealing dating experiences post divorce. I neither long for, nor want to share my space with another man and besides with two DD’s I’m extra wary of who I introduce to them, thus far no one has been lovely enough for me to consider giving up my independence nor given me reason to believe they’d be long term partner material, without too many compromises. Yes, I miss the intimacy and the adult company on an evening. But on the whole my life is set up to never ever need a man again, that seems to either attract guys who want to be mothered or ones who are insecure with my independence.

I’d also love to have one or two more children when finances permit, but at this rate it’ll be IVF and a Scandinavian sperm donor at 40!

I think the majority of single men are not prime dating material shall we say. Internet dating has made standards go really downhill as it is so easy for them to be a player or lead a double life etc. Certainly after midlife anyway. It is a bit like junk food. Junk internet has a lot to answer for!

Me too. I'm still dealing with my ex's bullshit, and trying to get an occupation/non molestation order (waiting on solicitors opening on Monday). Ds currently doesn't want any contact at all with him, which makes life much easier, and hopefully his brother will take over supervising contact when ds is ready, which is a weight off my mind.

I was always a romantic, but my ex was so bad (and took so long to turn, slowly but surely), that he's really put me off men in general. I'm bi, and think if I ever do date again, I'll try dating women this time (I'm not "out" though, so that has its own issues). I see red flags everywhere now, which is a good thing, I don't think I'll fall into the same trap again, but it's hard to think I'll probably never trust or be able to rely on anyone but close family, ever again. I'll never be used again, which is something at least. Every time I've tried dating since my ex and I broke up, that's how I end up feeling, so I've just given up.

I'm starting to think "modern" men haven't caught up to modern women. That they're still expecting things from women, that we're no longer prepared to give or pretend is acceptable, and that's why relationships rarely last long term. I know of so many relationships that have ended due to cheating, abuse, misogyny, and male entitlement in general. I suppose that's a good thing, that women aren't putting up with mens shit any more, but it would be even better if men could try to change their attitudes towards us and how they treat us?

I’m 45, divorced and plan to be single forever.
I may have a lover or a companion when the children leave (good ten years) I’m not wanting to do all the compromises that a relationship brings.

I’m working on loving myself more.

So so very happy to stay single. I have been 'loved' by 2 or 3 men but romantic love is always conditional and I just can't be arsed because you never know if or when it is going to be taken away and I don't want to live with that stress.

My first serious relationship, we were very in love but he was incredibly possessive which transformed into abuse. My XH only realised he loved me "properly" after he'd cheated and realised what he'd lost. My latest P would to this day swear he loved me but there were fierce sulks whenever I deviated even slightly from how he thought I should behave - I didn't even have my own accent by the time I left! I then did some OLD and they were all (40+) obsessed with anal, sending pictures of them wanking etc.

I can think of only one couple I know who I don't have issues I have seen or been told about that I could not put up with, (including parents, aunts and uncles) but they are newly wed and there are slight in law issues already.

CAN NOT be arsed. Sex can be nice but it's not worth the head games, boundary pushing, false promises, porn fantasies, entitlement, selfishness and extreme lack of skill I have encountered with 95% of my (many!) previous encounters.

All the asking about your day, making you a cuppa, snuggling up together fantasises which I admit sound appealing in theory often turn into you listening to them drone on, mansplaining on how to solve your problems (when you just want to vent), running out of milk twice as fast and having to compromise on what you watch on tv while they burp and fart through it. For an added bonus they'll criticise shows and activities you like and you'll end up bending around them to keep the peace.

The only thing I struggle with is being responsible for all the decisions. It can get wearing but I'd rather live with my own crap decisions than someone elses!

Plain, independent sailing is so much better than the up and down of love and heartbreak. Never, ever again.

I'm happily single. I realised after the end of my second marriage that I have never had a relationship with someone I actually love and respect . I've decided to work on me. I think I need to. I really can't be arsed trying to be with the wrong man again.

@WarmestRoomInTheHouse

Surely some men love though?

Or am I really to believe that half of the population have been duped into servitude for the other half?

I think this is exactly what has happened.

So much wisdom on this thread
I'm married but if anything happened to/with DH I'd never consider a relationship with a man again; ever

I think the idea of building a... sisterhood is really appealing This. This time a thousand. This is what I personally pine for, but in my humble opinion, the crumbling vestiges of the patriarchy are still making this nigh on bloody impossible (for the moment)

However, all that said, the old agony aunt columns in magazines would always say that you'll find what you're looking for (ie your significant other) once you stop looking so hard and just enjoy life.

I'm staying single because men have very high expectations with looks for someone of my age (28). I'm a size 12, some wear makeup or do my hair. I'm not an insta model, but this is what young guys want- not interested in old myself.

I'm ugly to the average man nowadays.

*I dont wear makeup

Just wish I knew interesting single women. I have none. Married friends too busy with their bloke to make any effort. Single women are a rare breed where I live. At least the ones who are happy alone.

OP For years I felt I was missing out on something I assumed others achieved relatively easily. Never any successful relationships, then was single for years after 2nd child. All that time I longed for what you described - to be in a mutually loving, respectful 'adult' relationship.

When I was least expecting it I met someone I thought ticked those boxes. Was blissfully happy, truly thought this was it. Alas he turned out to be needy and emotionally immature. I now feel relieved and content in my life now I am single. That relationship did it for me. I really could not give a shit any more. I hated sharing my bed with another man and know I will NEVER do that again ha. My dog has also given me a new lease of life, she has brought so much joy to me and my DC lives, I love her to bits.

You sound lovely and thoughtful. Sending love x