Has anyone else decided to stay single..?

[WarmestRoomInTheHouse]

Has anyone else decided to stay single because their experience of men and relationships is so bad?

Between men who are toxic/abusive; have unrealistic/'traditional' expectations of women; are damaged by porn; just plain old sexist; passing the time whilst on the look out/holding out for the sort of woman they actually want; critical of me; turned out to be married; just not that into me; rode roughshod over my boundaries; treated me as generic 'girlfriend' rather than an individual and, in many cases, a combination of the above etc etc etc I haven't had a boyfriend who genuinely liked me since I was a teenager and I left my teenage years coming up to 3 decades ago!

I've not even had good relationship experiences along the way that just haven't worked out.

After disastrous spells of online dating; meeting men at work; meeting men who were friends of friends; meeting, or rather failing to meet, men through hobbies, I've given up.

I have a full life and I'm a decent person. But a kind, loving, mutually respectful, supportive relationship is something that has completely eluded me my whole life.

I don't 'need' a man to complete me but I feel I'm missing out on something that is such an important part of the human experience and it just makes me really sad.

My friends (male and female) have all said they can't understand it. Some have suggested my expectations might be too high.

I'm not on a constant search for a man and I'm content to be single but I've reached the point where I've decided, for my own sanity, that I need to close myself off even to the possibility of meeting someone.

Anyone else?

Before DH came along I resolved to be single and happy rather than married and miserable. Any man who came along need to add value to my life rather than detract from it. Thankfully, DH has done all of that and more!

However, if something happened to him I would think very carefully about getting involved with someone else. My friend is just about to get married and has compromised her life massively to make it work. I have strong doubts about it all and actually feel a bit sad/sorry for her. She's a great catch and has sold out to someone who drinks and gambles and is generally a bit of a tit.

I had a couple of holiday romances in the past that made me feel loved up. They both were younger. I hadn't been to that country before and they seemed to love showing me around, going to intimate places to eat, dancing the night away. Great memories.

With covid, not really something for now, but you could in the summer.

I had a series of disastrous relationships culminating in an horrendous marriage from which I had my 2 now late teen kids.
I decided early on not to enter into another relationship initially for the kids sakes as I couldn't risk another awful relationship. After a while I realised it worked for me .I'm financially independent, have great friends ,lovely kids .For me the best relationship in the world may possibly add let's say 10% to my life a bad one would knock my life back so far and honestly I don't want to compromise about anything.
Lots of the great things me and my kids have done is because I have been able to follow my own instincts and not compromise or discuss it. Now my kids are entering adult I'm still in my mid 40s I'm certainly not going to start compromising now !!

I’ve made a conscious decision to stay single and I’m happy with that.
My main LTR ended about 6 years ago (7 years together) and was just awful. Him and his parents made my life a misery. Far too much to explain. I left and made a life of my own and over time felt much better.
A year or so later I met an old school friend and we’d dated fairly casually but exclusively for about a year. I’d said to him at the beginning that I didn’t need a relationship and that if he ever wanted to end it just to be up front and tell me. It was a nice relaxed relationship for a long time until he started being a bit odd then hideously dumped me while we were abroad on holiday (I since found out he’d met someone else and was too coward to say).
But that was the moment right there, I decided just to stay single. I hadn’t seen it coming and it was totally unnecessary to treat me like that, we weren’t ‘in love’. It was just bloody awful.
I haven’t been near a man romantically since then, over 3 years. And I think I’m the happiest I’ve ever been. I’ve got a good job and a lovely home and good friends. It’s all I need. I’m 45.

Do you have any friends who you love and who love you?

Its not the same i know its better but....

Do you have any friends who you love and who love you?

I don't know really! One or two maybe... it not the same though. They're married and their husbands are their priority.

I think a lot of it is that there isn't anyone who cares about me on a daily basis. No one to ask how I am or make a cup of tea if I've had a tough day. No one to give me a hug that makes me feel safe.

That sort of thing.

It's great to hear that some people have found true contentment. Like I say, I think I'd have that too if I'd been loved. I think it's a lack of both experience of it and experiences that go with it that I'm really feeling.

I'm not really fussed about being in a relationship now if I'm honest. It's the lack of love ever that hurts so much.

I’m 45 with a primary school aged dd. I’m single by choice after a series of disastrous relationships! My need to be loved and feel like I was normal and in a relationship meant that I accepted some pretty shitty behaviour from my ex’s. I have had a fwb a few years ago but that ended as he said he was developing feelings for me.

My issue was low self esteem I think due to some issues from my teenage years. I’m much happier in myself these days. But when I reflect on my past relationships the thing that stands out is how much compromise on my part was involved. How men who at the beginning presented their very best selves, helpful, kind, generous, gradually became selfish, lazy and unkind. Once they thought they had hooked me. They all expected some level of servitude. I have decided my radar is terminally wonky and I have shit taste in men!! I’m reconciled to be single and it doesn’t cause me any angst now.

I'm 51, with 2 grown up children. I've lived alone for 12 years. I love my own space but the loneliness has been consuming this year. The current situation is probably the root cause of this. However, I've also lost a very close friend recently and the discovery of my most recent ex being an emotionally abusive, serial cheat is not helping.

I completely agree, OP, it would be so lovely having that special someone to check up on you, make you a cuppa etc. I'm on online dating but my heart just isn't in it. And, it's not exactly the ideal situation to start dating, is it?

I'm sure I could start dating if I really wanted to. I'm attractive and have many positive qualities but I will not just settle. I'm not interested in just companionship; I want true chemistry, in every department. All or nothing!

I've had 5 serious relationships and was married once. I had 2 physically abusive relationships and then the following 3 all cheated on me. It has been hard not to blame myself at times but there is no excuse I can think of that condones abuse or any sort. I know the part I played and why I attracted these men. Whilst I believe I'm a good judge of character, I have not always listened to my gut!

I felt deeply loved in most of my relationships but they cannot have loved me or surely they would not have abused me. All the good memories I had of each of this men are tainted by their toxic behaviour. I can honestly say, i have not had one positive relationship. That makes me very sad when I know I have so much to offer.

OP did your parents or your children not love you? The love of an adult male is quite fickle, it doesn't always last.

It does sound like you are lacking intimacy in your life however. I don't think love will necessarily evade you if you are open to it. If you give out love it's more likely to come back to you. Find things to love, people, projects, animals, charity, when you're giving out love it will be more likely to come back in one way or another.

I'm 50 and have been divorced and single for nearly 10 years. I miss intimacy but not an actual relationship. I love being able to choose to do what I want when I want but there is a part of me that feels like something is missing. I guess it must be a human need to feel connected to someone.

I think it's TRUE that it's probably intimacy I'm missing too.

There is absolutely nothing that would get me to do online dating again and I've only actually met one person who found a lasting relationship via online dating. Most seem to find short term things that just damage confidence and self esteem further.

I wasntloved by my parents, no. Amd, of course, my children love me but it's not the same. It's not a love that provides any support or comfort to me.

I just don't have any true, satisfying adult connections.

It feels like a huge gaping hole inside me.

Find things to love, people, projects, animals, charity, when you're giving out love it will be more likely to come back in one way or another.

That's the thing. I have pets I love, I've volunteered with charities and advocacy for years, I have projects and things that I love doing.

I know the love of a man is fickle but it would be nice to experience it!

I was single for over a decade and pretty miserable about it. I also lost my one living parent during that time, so although I had aunties and cousins and stuff I really felt very alone. Friends were getting married and having kids and all of a sudden I really did feel like the loneliest person in the world. I definitely didn’t feel like anybody’s number one.

At one point I went for therapy and was ranting a bit about mates letting me down etc - and she said, that’s because they are still a priority in your life because you have no parents, partner, kids etc, but now you are just an option in their lives. Sounds harsh, but it was like someone turned on a light switch. She told me that if nobody made me a priority, I had to do that for me.

So I did. I accepted that I was always going to be single, have no kids, and would make the best of it. I concentrated on my health, my career, my hobbies, saw friends if they were free and made new childless friends of both sexes and all ages. One of my best friends is a woman who is 70 and an inspiration. Older people add another dimension to your friendship circle. Didn’t think about dating, or going on courses or singles nights or holidays just to meet men - just concentrated on me. I learned a lesson earlier on where I went on a photography course to meet men and met 11 women and one gay man! So once I’d made my decision life gradually got a whole lot better.

Six months ago I met someone out of the blue through a sport I picked up. He says he liked the fact that I wasn’t bothered about picking anyone up - I was just obviously happy with my own company. It’s early days but going really well. At the age of 48 I am in a relationship for the first time since I was 30. I like him a lot, but more importantly, I like me too.

The opportunity to say No Thank You to a dating request would be lovely
I’m late 40s not dead!

Society doesn’t like single women.

You're telling me

Me.

My last relationship was so so wonderful. I don't think I'll ever meet someone who loves me so completely and totally as he did. And vice versa. Plus its not worth the heart break if it doesn't work.

In some ways grieving over what might have been is a process than can be necessary to feel at peace, it's not an easy one however.

*Society doesn’t like single women.

You're telling me*

Try being an overweight single woman.

Even in an apocalypse I'd be surplus to requirements. Probably most likely declared a witch and burnt at the stake.

Im 58 OP and I found a (younger) man who is crazy about me when I was 56. Before that I don’t feel I was ever truly loved or understood or cared for by a man who I also fancy the pants off. I’m saying it’s never too late and your best years are not necessarily behind you. Not all men in their 40s/50s are after 30 year olds.

I'm staying single. Because I don't have it in me to give what a relationship needs.

I was that person whose dh would never cheat. Guess what. He did, more than once and it's done a number on me. I realised when I attempted another relationship which I ended earlier this year. He just wanted so much from me that I just didn't have in me to give. Call it a defense mechanism or whatever, but that too just fucked with my head.

Not all that long ago met someone else, I really felt a connection to him, but boom, he ghosted me.

That too affected me more than I think it should have and since then I made a decision that is it.

I'm quite happy in my own space, have a great relationship with my older teen DC. I just don't have the emotional energy for any relationships anymore.

I'm early 40 have a toddler and happily single. I have realised that in only attracted largely to abusive and or broken men.

It's just not worth the effort or the heartache anymore. I am happy and enjoy my own company.

I have great friends, a job that I love and am passionate about. Great family,

The time I have without my dC is spent working and or relaxing.

I don't have the energy or space for anyone else. And I'm happy, it's taken me a long time to get to this place.

Don't miss the sex enough to deal with all the nonsense that comes with it.

DC is my priority and I'm not sure anyone out there is special enough to be included in our lives.

I know you're all right.

I had therapy a few years ago. I'd already realised that I just wasnt a priority for other people because they had their own priorities. But i had it to deal with my sense of loss and lack.

At one point, between 8 and 3 years ago, I had a large social group of around 12/13 people, mostly single and aged between 21 and 73. We went away for the weekend, hillwalking, out for dinner, to gigs/concerts, met up for lunch, had people over/visited others for dinner... not everyone every time of course but none of us were ever lonely. Then, over the years, people got together, or met others from outside the group and I'm the only one of the original group still single. Everyone kind of moved on. Some people became grandparents, other people became parents, others ended up caring for elderly parents and no one is really in touch anymore. Halcyon days, indeed, but all good things come to an end. Being single never mattered then because we had each other and we loved each other. So, yes, I guess that does have a part to play.

I started new hobbies and met new people. I've not met anyone single through them - male or female.

My friends are pretty much all in relationships now and pretty much all 5 years younger to 15 years older.

I do occasionally get asked out. I usually say no because I know they're not for me. I'm fairly discriminating in who I date and don't date anyone where there are glaring red flags from the off. Or men I already know well enough to know we wouldn't be compatible.

But, like i say, it's not even a relationship i want.

I'm still friends with an ex boyfriend. He didn't love me but, even now, he's one of the few people who will check in on me or call if he knows I'm going through a rough patch. Before anyone suggests that he loves me, the reason we split up was because, after a year, he didn't and knew he wouldn't feel that way about me.

But that phone call or invitation to do something or just someone checking in on you...

I don't know however got to this age, down so.much, met so many people, and have so little to show for it as much as anything else!!

You seem strangely dismissive of the love your children have for you though OP, am I missing something?

The one really comforting thing I think is that there are lots of older singer women out there, and younger single women too. I think the idea of building a (forgive the cheesiness) sisterhood is really appealing. It's not rare for a woman to be single nowadays as it might have been in the past. There are endless older single men too, lots of people are 'alone' in one way or another.

Actually, it wasn't even a year. It was 9 months.

He wasn't quite ready to give up on the dream of meeting someone younger and slimmer and beautiful.

And I think I was just too jaded by that point to give it my all.

Still makes me sad, that one.