Has anyone else decided to stay single..?

[WarmestRoomInTheHouse]

Has anyone else decided to stay single because their experience of men and relationships is so bad?

Between men who are toxic/abusive; have unrealistic/'traditional' expectations of women; are damaged by porn; just plain old sexist; passing the time whilst on the look out/holding out for the sort of woman they actually want; critical of me; turned out to be married; just not that into me; rode roughshod over my boundaries; treated me as generic 'girlfriend' rather than an individual and, in many cases, a combination of the above etc etc etc I haven't had a boyfriend who genuinely liked me since I was a teenager and I left my teenage years coming up to 3 decades ago!

I've not even had good relationship experiences along the way that just haven't worked out.

After disastrous spells of online dating; meeting men at work; meeting men who were friends of friends; meeting, or rather failing to meet, men through hobbies, I've given up.

I have a full life and I'm a decent person. But a kind, loving, mutually respectful, supportive relationship is something that has completely eluded me my whole life.

I don't 'need' a man to complete me but I feel I'm missing out on something that is such an important part of the human experience and it just makes me really sad.

My friends (male and female) have all said they can't understand it. Some have suggested my expectations might be too high.

I'm not on a constant search for a man and I'm content to be single but I've reached the point where I've decided, for my own sanity, that I need to close myself off even to the possibility of meeting someone.

Anyone else?

You seem strangely dismissive of the love your children have for you though OP, am I missing something?

They have their own lives. Besides, I made them. They didn't choose me.

@annabellacomestotea

The one really comforting thing I think is that there are lots of older singer women out there, and younger single women too. I think the idea of building a (forgive the cheesiness) sisterhood is really appealing. It's not rare for a woman to be single nowadays as it might have been in the past. There are endless older single men too, lots of people are 'alone' in one way or another.

Met too Anna Bella very much so. Almost everyone I know IRL is partnered up.

#thechosensingles

@ThisTooShallBe

The love and relationship with an adult child is very different from that of a partner in my opinion.

I have three adult DC so I do have some understanding of the love they give in comparison to that of a man. Yes it’s different. But it’s bloody marvellous, the best thing ever, in my view. Because I’ve always had it in my head that they chose me (they were unplanned), not the other way round, and they continue to fill that yearning for meaning which I always had.

I used to feel like that. Used to think I would never find love.
Now, in my fifties, I am happier than ever. It can happen, don't rule it out.

ThisTooShallBe

Besides, I've experienced the love of my children.

I've never experienced the love of a man.

Yeah OK, I see your point on that front OP.

You haven’t had the devoted love of a good man and you want it, I understand that. I suppose I’m saying it may not be all you’ve cracked it up to be! Although I love my DP I feel a bit claustrophobic in the face of his devotion, whereas my DC continue to offer variety and different perspectives occasionally, leaving me alone the rest of the time to just get on with being properly me.

I’m 50s single and have been for 14 years.

Same old story. Abusive husband. Next was a partner who put his mother first and cheated. Waited years to meet someone else, did and got ghosted - around the same time as someone let slip he had a significant other. It terrified me that I had no idea.

Would I like someone? Yes. But it is unlikely as I’m hideous. Inside and out. I’m battle worn, weary and cynical for so many reasons and that is absolutely not attractive. And I’ve way too many responsibilities to give it headspace. And for some reason just typing that is making me cry.

So single it is.

ThisTooShallBe

Shall I tell you what i want really?

I want someone to do some of the things for me that i have done for others.

I was seeing someone during first lockdown and I did an unexpected online treat shop for him with his favourite gin and snacks etc. Just to cheer him up. He really appreciated it..

A couple of years ago, I took a male friend for an evening picnic in the summer in the woods. I took blankets and fairy lights and we ended up sleeping out under the stars. He said it was perfect.

I was seeing someone a few years ago and, one weekend, he thought i was just going to stay at his house but I'd booked a lovely little b&b with open fire for us as a surprise. He was really touched and said no one had ever done anything so lovely for him before.

I'd love someone to just hold my hand or hug me just because they want to.

I'd love someone to look at me and feel proud that they were with me.

Maybe for someone to get butterflies or be excited about seeing me.

Someone I can have private little in jokes with.

I don't know.

Someone who'll make me a cup of tea or run me a bath or just something nice.

Someone who wants to talk to Ken when we're lying in bed at night.

Someone who wants to make plans with me for more than 3 weeks ahead...

Just that sort of stuff really.

And for some reason just typing that is making me cry.

yeah, I know that one...

I get you, OP, I do. You sound lovely and I really hope the universe turns in your favour, to give you what you want. It really is never too late, but knowing that doesn’t help hugely in the here and now. Please accept a hug anyway 💐

ThisTooShallBe

Thank you. Virtual hug far too gratefully received!

Tier 4/lockdown means we’re all missing hugs, smiles, variety. It’s so, so tough. At least the days are getting a bit longer??

I think a lot of it is that there isn't anyone who cares about me on a daily basis. No one to ask how I am or make a cup of tea if I've had a tough day. No one to give me a hug that makes me feel safe.

The logic problem is that many relationships would find you doing all that for a man and him never giving a shit back - so your proverbial well would be drawn back to nothing and then he'd claim the spark was gone and fuck off to a new well to drink from.

Society doesn't like single women

That's because a lot of older men need a lot of looking after and single women effectively represent an unemployed unit which could be extending 24/7 free medical and intimate care cover to an older man - as the old saying goes: a nurse with a purse. That's the reality of the social pressure on women to couple up - particularly in later life.

Surely some men love though?

Or am I really to believe that half of the population have been duped into servitude for the other half?

With all due respect @PicsInRed I do think you’re overstating the case. Yes, some men do exploit women, and vice versa. But there are loving men out there. My DF cared for my invalided DM for 35 years without complaint, for instance.

Someone who wants to talk to Ken when we're lying in bed at night.

Maybe get rid of Ken, he could be cramping your style!

I can so relate to what you're saying, OP. It's so hard not having experienced that kind of love even once. Virtual hugs from here, too.

Jesus. I thought my life was tricky .
Get yourself a backbone op

@ThisTooShallBe

With all due respect *@PicsInRed* I do think you’re overstating the case. Yes, some men do exploit women, and vice versa. But there are loving men out there. My DF cared for my invalided DM for 35 years without complaint, for instance.

Of course there are some perfectly decent men out there - I wouldn't suggest otherwise.

In our culture, what you've described of your father is - rightly - celebrated precisely because it's unusual. There was some very disappointing research a while back which demonstrated that women were less likely than average to file for divorce if their husband was ill, whilst men were more likely than average to file for divorce if their wife was ill. The inference drawn by the study was that, when faced with the "in sickness" part of the vows, women who were about to leave put off leaving, whilst men who would ordinarily have stayed walked away.

Found it. God it's depressing.

www.reuters.com/article/us-partners-health-idUSTRE5AB0C520091112

10 years on, sadly no better.

www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2020/mar/30/the-men-who-give-up-on-their-spouses-when-they-have-cancer

Yes I feel the same as you OP.

And looking around at friends relationships I do see there are some really strong respectful lovely relationships that seem to go the distance.

But in so many others, I just see women settling & compromising and putting up with a whole ton of shit for the sole purpose of keeping some loser in their life.

no appeal at all to me.

Love being single, I genuinely do, I cannot envisage or have any need to be in a relationship again. I love the freedom, but more importantly my kids are so much more settled.

I've decided to stay single because I've recently left an abusive marriage and life couldn't be better for me in so many ways. I need to really enjoy that.

My DC are still quite young and I have no intentions of introducing a romantic partner to them unless absolutely necessary (i.e marriage/living together). Honestly, I have no desire to live with someone again. I'm open to re-marrying when my DC are much older. And only if that won't have a detrimental effect on the life I envisage for my kids and I.

I can't imagine bending over backwards for some ungrateful fucker at this stage of my life. Or taking away valuable time/attention/money from my kids for said ungrateful fucker.

I've come to the realisation that I was socialised to be A Good Wife and have been playing that role in every romantic relationship for men who at times weren't worthy of that. I cringe at the times I've had to dim my light/pretend I didn't know XYZ all for "him" etc. I refuse to do any of that crap again.