Has anyone else decided to stay single..?

[WarmestRoomInTheHouse]

Has anyone else decided to stay single because their experience of men and relationships is so bad?

Between men who are toxic/abusive; have unrealistic/'traditional' expectations of women; are damaged by porn; just plain old sexist; passing the time whilst on the look out/holding out for the sort of woman they actually want; critical of me; turned out to be married; just not that into me; rode roughshod over my boundaries; treated me as generic 'girlfriend' rather than an individual and, in many cases, a combination of the above etc etc etc I haven't had a boyfriend who genuinely liked me since I was a teenager and I left my teenage years coming up to 3 decades ago!

I've not even had good relationship experiences along the way that just haven't worked out.

After disastrous spells of online dating; meeting men at work; meeting men who were friends of friends; meeting, or rather failing to meet, men through hobbies, I've given up.

I have a full life and I'm a decent person. But a kind, loving, mutually respectful, supportive relationship is something that has completely eluded me my whole life.

I don't 'need' a man to complete me but I feel I'm missing out on something that is such an important part of the human experience and it just makes me really sad.

My friends (male and female) have all said they can't understand it. Some have suggested my expectations might be too high.

I'm not on a constant search for a man and I'm content to be single but I've reached the point where I've decided, for my own sanity, that I need to close myself off even to the possibility of meeting someone.

Anyone else?

It's the old adage though isn't it? 'the grass it not always greener?'. I was single for many years raising Dd as I felt it suited us both (still dabbled in dating). Then after the point they flew the nest I ended up in a 4yr relationship (they also moved in), turned out that they clearly expected me to pick up where their mother had left off? 🙄 I'm 6mths out the other side and honestly the relief is palpable. But I'd also state it was due to hooking up with the wrong person vs getting into a relationship. I'm back to being very much happily single, but I've not completely wrote off finding a future relationship that could be a good fit? I'm just in seriously no rush and if it happens then great! And if it doesn't? Well, it doesn't detract from my life.

I could have written this, slowly exiting from a ten year sexless relationship which I'm sure he got into to be looked after and have children from be used as soon as the kids were born I was 'mum'.

If I danced naked in front of him he'd look away. I yearn to be loved and wanted.

Zero positive male relationships, Dad an abusive drunk, 3 brothers who just saw me as useful little sister who did things to smooth family life, sort things out, the doer. I've been there for them many times, sadly not them for me.

Relationships have been always where I was not quite enough. lack lustre, half hearted, rebound material. I had a fuck buddy once, it was honest and the sex was great.

An ex I loved but wanted to be with somebody else got back in contact recently and I realised quickly it wasn't me he wanted, it was the version of himself loved by me he loved!

I think a lot of women put up with a lot of shit just to be with somebody.
I can't go down that road again. I won't ever live with a man again when we finish, I think women are sold a bloody lie and for some reason every women's magazine seems to be in on it. . But we are needed to keep society together so we fall for the happy relationships and family lark. 🤨

I had crap parents, no real love in relationships etc. The only thing really that’s got me through it, is realising that many of us don’t get everything in life. I have 2 lovely adult DC but many women go through tremendous pain due to infertility. I have a decent job, nice home etc and don’t have to worry about bills, when so many rely on food banks or just about make ends meet. I’m not telling you to count your blessings as I know it doesn’t help! I’m just saying this is what I do, after spending many years torturing myself with envy for those people who “had it all”. I suppose it was a shift in focus.

I guess I have now accepted that a love story isn’t for me. I’m too damaged now from past relationships anyway, and my last breakup was so painful, I can’t take the risk again. My big hope is that menopause comes soon (51 and still waiting!) and takes my libido along with it! That’s really the last thing I miss about being in a couple, regular sex! (FWB etc would just make me feel used). I find it ironic reading about women my age doing everything to try and hold onto their libido when I can’t wait for mine to bugger off!

I can’t say that I’m fully happy being single. Yes there are pluses to it but if some magical fairy produced a man guaranteed not to hurt me, that I would love and be loved by, I’d jump at the chance. But in real life the odds aren’t in my favour so I’ve reached acceptance of my single status.

Pics that report doesn't surprise me in the slightest. Sadly.

I haven't been in a committed relationship for many years. I've had a few short situationships from online dating.

I haven't had great men in my life overall and have put up with a lot. Not abuse, just things like put downs and bad behaviour. I'm not that person anymore.

I've been OK with being single but I get very lonely at times. I haven't given up on finding a partner but it's not a good time to date at the moment.

OP you talk about yourself in a really harsh way. You havent never been loved by a man because you arent good enough in some way, it can be down to luck and timing. I also guarantee you that many people you think have these connections you desire, absolutely do not and are just keeping up appearances.

I have never been loved either, or at least never by anyone i could love back. I think if my 20 year old self was told this she would be utterly devastated to the point of almost suicidal. Now im ok with it, and that was not an easy transision to make, but as the years have gone on I have made a determined effort to look at all the things I do have control over like my home, kids, other family, friendships work, health, and to work on making those things better, over time i just forgot to really even think about what was missing because life is very full. To the point i crave a bit of alone time with no pressing tasks and no one there WAY more than I crave a partner.

Mereum, don't rule out finding love at your age.
In my fifties now and am in the most loving, fun and amazing relationship for the past few years. Love can happen at any age if you are open to it.

@PicsInRed well I suppose maybe DB was set a good example by my DF as he looked after my DSIL while she suffered and died from cancer even though their relationship was at breaking point when she was diagnosed. And I know as many men who are tending poorly wives as women tending poorly husbands right now.

It was because I knew my XH would never look after me if I fell ill that I dumped him. Now he is in poor health and I am not. Karma?

Anyway, I do agree that society’s pressure on young women to serve etc is outrageous. I see my own DD doing it with her partner, who is lovely but very spoilt. Drives me crazy.

Im 47 , one dc off to uni next year , been officially single for coming up to 11 years now but dating on and off . Last boyfriend told me that im running too fast and he cant keep up , i told him, then he needs to run faster !! He became clingly and needy which wasnt the man i met so after 3 years i left . Have tried OLD but to be honest just met a load of total liars , cheats , and fuckwits thinking that im so desperate for a BF i'll put up with any shit or crumbs they choose to give me. The last date was 18 months ago , lasted 6 weeks when i worked out he was a functioning alcoholic , lied about everything , and later found out that his wife had kicked him out and he was staying at a mates flat ( claimed it was his ) prob filling time til she took him back again.
i have my own house and business im not rich but im doing ok , i can pay my own bills. But as ive reached my 40's im finding more guys looking at me as a meal ticket , ie trying to move in to my house after the 3rd date thinking i would be so grateful . I just cant be bothered with the hassle the only guys i have approach me online is 55 plus and they look so old as all the 40 plus guys are still chasing 25/30 year olds. Just deleted my OLD profile last night , cant keep being disappointed , its like your over 40 you are at the bottom of the pile now, i know when people talk about feeling invisable , luckily my ds still likes spending time with his mum , and the lockdown has brought us closer but his off to uni in sept and im happy for him , so ive decided im going to sell up and go have my own eat pray love adventure in T-Minus 9 months.... cant wait !!

I've been single for a decade, a decision taken to protect my ds and myself.

My few tentative attempts at finding someone special in the last 10 years have resulted in one who told me I needed to get rid of my son if I wanted a relationship (ds was 8 at the time), three controlling undermining types and two who were too obviously interested in my house.

So I don't date. I have my friends, my ds is happy, we have a cheerful relaxed home life with lots going on. I tend to avoid men now, the ones I meet are worthless.

Gosh, this is exactly how I’m feeling. I’m 37, separated from xh 3 years and 2 small dc both under 7. I’m not unhappy on my own but it is pretty lonely. I haven’t had anyone ask me out or show interest in those 3 years, and online dating they all message pervy texts or else just disappear and I haven’t ever been on any dates. I just don’t meet anyone I’m interested in...maybe I’m not open to it.

I honestly think I’ll be alone forever now, but to think that in my 30s and have potentially the next 45 years alone just feels really sad. But if there’s been no interest in 3 years and I’m probably the most attractive I’m ever going to be then I just can’t see it happening.

Wow worthingmumofone an adventure sounds amazing! Great idea. You must be so excited

Yup @ChloeR81 finally putting myself first for once , i love my ds but its been all about him for the last 18 years , his dad although in the picture does the bare minimum , but as ill be leaving country next year his now going to have to step up and be reponsible though im sure ill end up micro managing whatever crisis from afar but i dont want to end up being like my mother no life of my own living through my kids. I'm fine with my own company , but i miss the sex though, been over a year now , but done the fwb thing and it ends in disaster so not going back there would rather do without as it just became very empty and meaningless.

Yeh that’s what I worry about, when the kids grow up and move out. I do have a full on job I’m doing well at, pathway to senior leadership etc so it’s not like I don’t have anything else to focus on, but it’s the human/company side I’m worried about. Maybe I’ll have to get a dog at that point 🤣

I’m sure you won’t be able to stop yourself getting involved even from overseas- they’re our babies after all, you can’t turn that off!

I have a partner now who I see pretty regularly but to address the ‘empty nest’ syndrome I got a lodger as well as my dog. I’m on my third now. They've all been lovely, gentle young women starting out on life straight after uni and it’s been great. I thought it was a stopgap but I include the £7k tax-free cash per year in my financial plan for retirement now - I can’t see why I would ever stop having a lodger!

I think finding satisfying & enduring love is down to luck & timing. Try not to assume it is because of something about you that has made it elusive OP. Like many things in life, sometimes it is less painful to rail against our circumstances & learn to accept them. We can't always have what we want, need or deserve. And we need to grieve that loss/lack. We are sold the illusion that love comes if you are thin/attractive/clever/funny/kind, and the truth is you can be all of those things and not meet your match, or you can have none of them & find love. Know that you are loveable & worthy regardless OP xxx

Yep 36 and after two long relationships and 5 kids I've decided to stay single, I love it. I answer to myself and I'm not miserable anymore. Yeah maybe in the future I'd like to find someone to go out with on dates and sex would be a bonus but I would never ever live with a man again.

@PicsInRed

I think a lot of it is that there isn't anyone who cares about me on a daily basis. No one to ask how I am or make a cup of tea if I've had a tough day. No one to give me a hug that makes me feel safe.

The logic problem is that many relationships would find you doing all that for a man and him never giving a shit back - so your proverbial well would be drawn back to nothing and then he'd claim the spark was gone and fuck off to a new well to drink from.

Society doesn't like single women

That's because a lot of older men need a lot of looking after and single women effectively represent an unemployed unit which could be extending 24/7 free medical and intimate care cover to an older man - as the old saying goes: a nurse with a purse. That's the reality of the social pressure on women to couple up - particularly in later life.

Indeed a nurse with a purse is an old saying for good reason

I agree; I'm single because I don't believe that the society and belief system that we currently hold in the UK is conducive to monogamous relationships any more. You may call it a generalisation and cite exceptions; that's fine. But on the whole, I believe that women want monogamous long term relationships (often to bring up children) and men want as much sex as they can get, with as many women as possible. And our modern society is set up entirely to enable the latter. From the benefits system being set up to support single mothers (why should I pay support out of my own pocket when the state will pay it anyway), to the erosion of any moral values around marriage and relationships (after all the man deserves what's best for HIM, and must put HIMSELF first), no religious beliefs any more to keep morality in check, little or no judgement from society when a man walks out on his partner and children; OLD where you just swipe on someone to shag them, and never see them again (and if the girl questions being ghosted she's in the wrong) to women embracing this state of affairs so much they don't even expect marriage or commitment any more, and some of them even endure dangerous medical procedures to ensure they have massive tits and big lips, because we all know men only want a porn star. Except when you do get him into bed he can't do anything, because he's so overstimulated by all the pornography he watches that a flesh and blood woman can no longer do anything for him.

So no I'll pass thanks!

I think you should, @JovialNickname 😂

@ThisTooShallBe

I think you should, *@JovialNickname* 😂

Ha! Yes it would be a brave man that took me on

Indeed! 😂😂😂 And there’s not many of them out there, let’s face it.

It's really refreshing to see other women who share the same perspective. I'm in my early 30's, 3 young DC and recently divorced.

I was speaking with a male friend I've known since I was 9 and spoke of my plans to start saving for a deposit to buy a house. I've recently been promoted in my career (since leaving my ex husband) and taken a change of direction which would never have happened had I still been married to my ex husband. And my friend joked about me struggling to find a man who either didn't see me as a meal ticket or didn't feel emasculated and comfortable enough to step into the life I'd built for myself (how on earth would he feel knowing his presence/contributions wouldn't be missed if he died tomorrow??). He also said most men I would attract would be the older ones who've now decided they want to settle down and have a baby. So depressing.

I'm happy with a fuckbuddy. I'm happy to be celibate for now.

@JovialNickname

I agree; I'm single because I don't believe that the society and belief system that we currently hold in the UK is conducive to monogamous relationships any more. You may call it a generalisation and cite exceptions; that's fine. But on the whole, I believe that women want monogamous long term relationships (often to bring up children) and men want as much sex as they can get, with as many women as possible. And our modern society is set up entirely to enable the latter. From the benefits system being set up to support single mothers (why should I pay support out of my own pocket when the state will pay it anyway), to the erosion of any moral values around marriage and relationships (after all the man deserves what's best for HIM, and must put HIMSELF first), no religious beliefs any more to keep morality in check, little or no judgement from society when a man walks out on his partner and children; OLD where you just swipe on someone to shag them, and never see them again (and if the girl questions being ghosted she's in the wrong) to women embracing this state of affairs so much they don't even expect marriage or commitment any more, and some of them even endure dangerous medical procedures to ensure they have massive tits and big lips, because we all know men only want a porn star. Except when you do get him into bed he can't do anything, because he's so overstimulated by all the pornography he watches that a flesh and blood woman can no longer do anything for him.

So no I'll pass thanks!

Nailed it! You’ve articulated exactly what I’ve been thinking for a long time with much more wit than I could ever muster

@HighHambross

It's really refreshing to see other women who share the same perspective. I'm in my early 30's, 3 young DC and recently divorced.

I was speaking with a male friend I've known since I was 9 and spoke of my plans to start saving for a deposit to buy a house. I've recently been promoted in my career (since leaving my ex husband) and taken a change of direction which would never have happened had I still been married to my ex husband. And my friend joked about me struggling to find a man who either didn't see me as a meal ticket or didn't feel emasculated and comfortable enough to step into the life I'd built for myself (how on earth would he feel knowing his presence/contributions wouldn't be missed if he died tomorrow??). He also said most men I would attract would be the older ones who've now decided they want to settle down and have a baby. So depressing.

I'm happy with a fuckbuddy. I'm happy to be celibate for now.

All my financial plans are made assuming I will just be single forever... after all, the only person who is guaranteed to look out for you is yourself at the end of the day!

I also worry about the meal ticket thing... I genuinely don’t know any men who are on my level financially, and I have a mediocre job and salary! I really think there are so many smart, loving and successful women out there and just not enough men who are able to keep up.