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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Heartbroken, he wants space.

751 replies

yulelogc · 30/12/2020 01:04

Partner of a year, don't live together at the moment but had plans to very soon as I'm pregnant. Things were good I thought then tonight he said he needs space.. but that's it. He won't tell me how much space, or if it means we are together still I have no idea and whenever I ask he just says he doesn't want to hurt me and won't give me a straight answer. I'm heartbroken. I want to know where I stand but also don't want to push. I know I need to give him space but it's so hard 😔 please help me get through this I'm devastated and so confused.

OP posts:
SmileyClare · 30/12/2020 15:59

Yulelogc I'd say you're the one that needs space from him . You need to let how he's treated you sink in after the initial shock, upset and pining for him has passed a little.

Be kind to yourself, let your mum look after you, eat the Christmas chocolate and wallow if you need to.

In a day or so, write a list of all his broken promises, times he's let you down, and be really brutally honest with yourself. Try to detach and get angry with him. He's caused you a lot of pain, stress and uncertainty. It isn't a good relationship.

Get together a list of bullet points that you'll discuss with him. They will keep you on track because you're still under his "spell" and it'll all go out of the window when you hear his voice and start crying and asking him to come back.

Please stop doing things all on his terms. You'll end up very unhappy long term and it will be damaging for your children too x

Love how you've now started getting advice on thrush as well now Grin

hashbrownsandwich · 30/12/2020 16:16

@yulelogc I apologise about the thrush, I just think if you can't be sure that he hasn't cheated, which lets be honest he could well have as you say you thought you knew him but he's turned out nothing like you thought, you should consider whether he could have given you an STI.

I think you are going to talk to him or you'll be torturing yourself further.

Original poster
yulelogc · 30/12/2020 16:21

My dr said it's thrush. I also have a uti so that's why I'm so uncomfortable. It feels loads better now thankfully. I will get tested though anyway. He could have cheated yes, I don't know really do I, I clearly don't know him at all.

I will talk to him, see what he has to say.

OP posts:
PolkadotGiraffe · 30/12/2020 16:31

I wouldn't speak to him or spend more of your energy on this. Focus on you and your baby.

dogmandu · 30/12/2020 16:34

I don't agree that you should text and say you'll speak to him in few days or when you're ready.

I get the impression that you're desperate to speak to him and hope he's got something nice and hopeful to say. This is not in your best interest at all. It's obvious he isn't going to move in and make a nice happy family.

He on the other hand is a drama queen. He wants to hang this out as long as possible as he is the centre of attention and he has you grovelling at his feet and he loves it.

It's clear he has no intention of moving in. Don't reply to any if his texts. Adjust your crown as an independent woman and move forward .

Original poster
yulelogc · 30/12/2020 16:37

I don't think he's going to say anything nice or hopeful, I think he's going to tell me it's properly over, which I clearly need to hear.
He's been messaging asking if the baby is ok but I've not replied. He knows full well id let him know if baby wasn't ok, it's just him trying not to feel guilty.

OP posts:
hashbrownsandwich · 30/12/2020 16:42

@yulelogc

My dr said it's thrush. I also have a uti so that's why I'm so uncomfortable. It feels loads better now thankfully. I will get tested though anyway. He could have cheated yes, I don't know really do I, I clearly don't know him at all.

I will talk to him, see what he has to say.

I think that is sensible OP. It's a shit time I know, I've been left with 2 young kids out of the blue in the past so I do sympathise.

I strongly and utterly urge you NOT to put him on the birth certificate. Not just in the way of not giving the baby his surname but don't mention him on it at all. If he wants to contest it that's his problem and he likely won't anyway, though he may blow up threatening it, it's a long and costly process so don't worry about that. The benefits of not having him on the certificate will help you further down the line.

Windmillwhirl · 30/12/2020 16:43

I think he has orchestrated this break so you are prepared that it is over.

I am so sorry you are going through this. He is not the man you thought he was and that is painful to digest.

Stay strong and look after yourself x

Honeyroar · 30/12/2020 16:52

Why oh why do you need to hear it? Why can’t you see what’s in front of you, gather up your pride and finish it yourself? This man fed you a few dreamy lines months ago and you’ve sat there like, sorry, an idiot for the last few months while he faffed about. Even when you gave him the ultimatum about moving in he has managed to completely blow your resolve with this new drama. It’s all about him, as usual.

willowmelangell · 30/12/2020 16:59

Hand your phone to mum and ask her to read your messages and only tell you the important ones. Not the ones from arseholes who are messing with your head.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 30/12/2020 17:00

I mainly want to hear because I think he's going to tell me it's well and truley over and at least then I'll know where I stand

I think you're in danger of letting him fool you again, OP, just as he did over "wanting the baby", and probably you'll be delighted if he says he's "trying to get his head together" and kid yourself he'll come round

He'd almost certainly be saying it to keep you on the hook and avoid the day he'll be expected to pay for the baby, but this has to be your decision and I only hope you'll make a wise one

Original poster
yulelogc · 30/12/2020 17:06

I really won't feel better if he says he just needs to get his head together... it won't make me feel better, obviously id love to hear "I'm sorry I love you I have made a mistake" but I do know that's definitely not going to happen. He will tell me it's over, and I'll say ok and that will be that.

OP posts:
SmileyClare · 30/12/2020 17:16

Hmm, I've never known a man like this to engineer a phone call to confirm he's ending things in an adult way.. Brace yourself for more stringing along, I don't know what I want, it's all about me, I want some time to myself to sit about drinking and playing Fifa with my mate, I want to keep you hanging and I want you to be "ok" with it..blah blah blah.

okokok000 · 30/12/2020 17:16

Really sorry OP. If his head and heart were in the relationship he wouldn't need to think about it. What he is doing is cowardly.

Original poster
yulelogc · 30/12/2020 17:21

If he tells me he still doesn't know what he wants and tries to leave me hanging then I'll end the conversation because that's not what I want and I'm not doing that.

OP posts:
SmileyClare · 30/12/2020 17:23

That's the spirit Smile He needs to show you some Respect.

Coffeeandcocopops · 30/12/2020 17:23

He is a coward OP. He wants to finish it but can’t. In my experience when a man says he needs space it usually means there is someone else who he is interested in. Nothing may have happened yet but he wants to give it a go. He may then come back to you later saying I’m sorry I love you. Stay strong. Don’t let him mess you around.

AngelDelightUK · 30/12/2020 17:30

I’m not sure where abouts you are, but the lockdown rules haven’t got to him have they? I know of many couples, myself included to a degree although I’m not with my DDs dad, who have had similar rows because they are so fed up of the current situation. It’s nothing to do with the person, just that life is out of control.

Obviously that’s no excuse and I’m clutching at straws, but do talk to him today. Because either way it will ease the thoughts you’ve got

Eckhart · 30/12/2020 17:37

@yulelogc

I really won't feel better if he says he just needs to get his head together... it won't make me feel better, obviously id love to hear "I'm sorry I love you I have made a mistake" but I do know that's definitely not going to happen. He will tell me it's over, and I'll say ok and that will be that.
If this is how you feel I think you should take the ball out of his court and end it before he gets to do it.

Even if he's not going to do that, and he is going to say 'I'm sorry, I love you..', the fact that you feel the way you do shows that the relationship id over either way.

Start upholding your boundaries now, show you have some self respect, and end it.

BlueThistles · 30/12/2020 17:38

Don't let him snivel and creep nicely nicely to ease his own conscience about his appalling behaviour ... asking about the baby is most certainly a ploy to keep you thinking he's a decent guy.. he's a cretin ... when you decide OP you listen to him.. say nothing and close that door firmly on him. 🌺

try not to get too stressed... I know it's easier said than done 😔

DianaT1969 · 30/12/2020 17:40

Agreed. Don't put him on the Birth Certificate either. You can still claim via CMS, but he'll have less automatic rights. You can tell your child who their father is. You need to future proof your decisions now - so that things go well for you when this twat is no longer on the scene.

Jessica382 · 30/12/2020 17:45

I wouldn't give him a chance to tell you what he's decided, the relationship isn't down to what he decides.

I would tell him that YOURE still deciding wether you want him BACK or not, and he must give you some time to think too. You need to switch it and regain power

Original poster
yulelogc · 30/12/2020 17:49

I think you're all right anyway. Regardless of what he says tonight, it's over, because I would never trust him and also I never wanted to have a baby and live apart... I still don't want that and I'm not agreeing to that just to keep him. It's over, I know that deep down.

I'm sat here crying, his stuff is still everywhere, the things he got me for Christmas, the things I got him, cards, his favourite drink his favourite foods ect even some of his clothes. It hurts so much 😔

OP posts:
CheshireCats · 30/12/2020 17:54

Come on op, why are you still giving him all of the control here?
Stand up, find your strength and self respect and tell him it's over. Just read back this thread and your previous one and imagine your (adult) dd was being treated like this - what would you say to her??
Don't let him tell you it's over or it isn't- you will be so much better off without him dragging you and your children down. He's had his chance(s). Wake up and tell him to do one.
I don't have much knowledge of the issues of putting him on the birth certificate, but it seems there's plenty of other posters who do, and they are telling you not to put him on the birth certificate and not to give baby his surname. Not on any circumstances that might arise in the near future. Please don't take him back - he is a grade A knob.

CheshireCats · 30/12/2020 17:55

*cross post op - well done, that's more like it! Thanks

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