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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Heartbroken, he wants space.

751 replies

yulelogc · 30/12/2020 01:04

Partner of a year, don't live together at the moment but had plans to very soon as I'm pregnant. Things were good I thought then tonight he said he needs space.. but that's it. He won't tell me how much space, or if it means we are together still I have no idea and whenever I ask he just says he doesn't want to hurt me and won't give me a straight answer. I'm heartbroken. I want to know where I stand but also don't want to push. I know I need to give him space but it's so hard 😔 please help me get through this I'm devastated and so confused.

OP posts:
yulelogc · 02/01/2021 12:12

Yes definitely helps to write it down and get responses. A lot of those things left me feeling exactly like I do now! Sick, anxious...

OP posts:
Eckhart · 02/01/2021 12:33

OK. Sick and anxious is your response to your feelings not being heard, but being actively dismissed, and that's why you've felt it during the relationship, and why you're feeling it now (probably even more than before)

The thing you can do, and it is MASSIVELY empowering, is to ensure that none of your feelings ever get dismissed again. Ever ever. Not a single one. Because YOU are going to be the one to listen to them, and validate them, and respond to them. That way, the whole rest of the world can dismiss you as much as they like, but your feelings are still heard, and you still get the feeling you're getting now, the good feeling of being responded to positively, and being reassured.

So, if you feel sick and anxious, don't feel lost about those things. Have a think about things people do when they feel sick. Pick a thing from the list. Do it.
Have a think about things people do when they feel anxious. Pick a thing from the list. Do it.

You might find yourself in a relaxing bath with some candles, sucking a ginger sweet. You might find yourself consuming an alcoholic beverage and then going for a walk in the fresh air. You might find yourself going to bed with a good book for the rest of the day, even though it's only lunchtime. There's lots of options. They might not work. But they will make your emotional self feel that someone is listening. And as we all know, when we have an emotional problem, we don't need someone to fix it; we just need someone to hear us, and make our feelings feel like they are worthy of being noticed. That alone makes a world of difference.

BlueThistles · 02/01/2021 13:55

@yulelogc

this is good .... slowly you're seeing little things that you ignored before .. it's progress OP... today is a new day... and hope it's a better day for you ... take things easy... 🌺

yulelogc · 02/01/2021 15:09

One thing I do not understand... sorry for more of me babbling but it really does help.

2 weeks before Christmas we were talking, and I said something about Christmas Eve and Christmas Day... assuming he would be spending it with me because that's what people do when they are going to be a family together. He said that he didn't realise I wanted to be with him at Christmas... he had no intention of spending it with me... I did flip at him a bit, said I was so hurt he didn't want to spend it with me (he had no one else to spend it with by the way and his son was with his mum Christmas Eve night and Christmas Day time.)

I didn't get it, we had a row, and I said that's it, I'm done I can't do this, you have no intention of moving in either! I even said "we're over" and said I couldn't be assed anymore!! He said you don't mean that, please don't say that and talked me round saying he loved me and wanted to be with me over Christmas and he was definitely moving in on the day we arranged.
Why did he not take that as the easy way out?! When I said we're done why did he not say ok if that's how you feel... easy escape. It makes no sense to me.

OP posts:
wetasstenalady · 02/01/2021 15:12

You are going to drive yourself mad questioning his actions and motive. You may never know the answer. It's very difficult to close the book without knowing the ending but in this case the author doesn't even know himself

tropicalwaterdiver · 02/01/2021 15:20

@yulelogc

One thing I do not understand... sorry for more of me babbling but it really does help.

2 weeks before Christmas we were talking, and I said something about Christmas Eve and Christmas Day... assuming he would be spending it with me because that's what people do when they are going to be a family together. He said that he didn't realise I wanted to be with him at Christmas... he had no intention of spending it with me... I did flip at him a bit, said I was so hurt he didn't want to spend it with me (he had no one else to spend it with by the way and his son was with his mum Christmas Eve night and Christmas Day time.)

I didn't get it, we had a row, and I said that's it, I'm done I can't do this, you have no intention of moving in either! I even said "we're over" and said I couldn't be assed anymore!! He said you don't mean that, please don't say that and talked me round saying he loved me and wanted to be with me over Christmas and he was definitely moving in on the day we arranged.
Why did he not take that as the easy way out?! When I said we're done why did he not say ok if that's how you feel... easy escape. It makes no sense to me.

I believe that's desire to be in control. My close friend broke up with her cheating husband and he spent 2 weeks begging her for forgiveness, planning a move to a new country for a fresh start etc. etc. She finally said yes and 2 days after that he broke up with her. I believe it's ego talking... It doesn't make sense to normal and logical person.
tropicalwaterdiver · 02/01/2021 15:22

Did he say who he was going to spend Christmas with?

Honeyroar · 02/01/2021 15:24

You might never know. All you know really is he was talking bollox! My ex did similar to me. We were on the run up to our wedding and my parents split up. I had a wobble about the wedding, thought it wasn’t right to put my parents through a fancy wedding when they’d just split up. He talked me into continuing. Three months later all hell broke loose and we broke up right before the wedding (invites had gone out) with him saying he hadn’t known how to end things so he’d just gone along with it. Turned out later that he’d been having an affair for months. I’ll never understand why he wouldn’t let me cancel things three months before when it would’ve all been my fault. There’s no logic. 18 years on I just put him down as a spineless coward.

I’m glad the alphabet game helped you sleep. Hope it does again. You’re doing well. Just keep plodding along. You’ll have good days and bad days, it’s natural, but don’t let him take over your head after all that he’s done. He’s not good enough.

Honeyroar · 02/01/2021 15:28

I believe these cowardly selfish men have moments of guilt when they know what they ought to be doing if they were a good man, so they make plans to do it, but then their (more powerful) selfish side takes over and they bolt and send “I’m so sorry/hope you’re ok/part of me still loves you” messages to make themselves feel like they’re still decent people- they aren’t!

yulelogc · 02/01/2021 15:29

@tropicalwaterdiver he backtracked and said then that he was always going to spend it with me. Very confusing.

Thanks @Honeyroar. I have waves of "I'm gonna be ok" and " I can't do this". But I'm trying to remember that is normal. Sorry your ex did that, how horrible. I'll never get anyone being able to treat another human being like it.

OP posts:
Honeyroar · 02/01/2021 15:35

For me it was incredibly painful and humiliating at the time. We had to write to everyone to tell them the wedding was off. But with hindsight it was the best thing that happened to me. It took me a long time, with help from friends, family, my Dr and a counsellor, but nowadays it’s just a distant memory and I’ve been married to someone else that treats me wonderfully and who I adore for 15 years. You will get through this, I promise.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 02/01/2021 15:38

Why did he not take that as the easy way out?! When I said we're done why did he not say ok if that's how you feel... easy escape

Maybe whoever else he's got lined up wasn't quite ready to take him in - and the "someone else" becomes ever clearer now you mention not wanting to spend Christmas with you even though he had no apparent plans elsewhere

yulelogc · 02/01/2021 15:46

Yeah I bet it was. I'm glad you found happiness.

@Puzzledandpissedoff I'm 90% sure there wasn't anyone else, especially no one he would spend Christmas with. He had no time for seeing anyone else, he was with me or had his son, and I know for sure he had his son when he said he did. I know it sounds naive but I'm as sure as I can be there is no one else involved. Well, maybe he was messaging someone else... I'm not so sure he hasn't been doing that to be honest. He's got form there. Well I don't know for sure obviously... don't suppose it matters now, what matters is I somehow get through this.

OP posts:
Puzzledandpissedoff · 02/01/2021 15:49

Don't suppose it matters now, what matters is I somehow get through this

Spot on with that, OP; you may or may nor hear about someone else in time, but what matters now is you and the children

Windmillwhirl · 02/01/2021 15:57

Perhaps the plan was to get Christmas out of the way before he broke the news. There is no reason why he would think you would not want to spend Christmas him. That was a blatant lie. You had been begging him to move in.

You can't trust a word that falls out of his mouth so analysing is pointless

Dery · 02/01/2021 16:14

“You can't trust a word that falls out of his mouth so analysing is pointless”

This. I suspect he knew you had expectations which he didn’t want to fulfil but he wanted to avoid being the one to end it so he would probably just say whatever seemed like the best thing to say at the time.

yulelogc · 02/01/2021 19:14

No I clearly trust what he says he's lied to me for so long.

I have been doing a lot around the house today, tidying decluttering, cleaned my carpets. I ordered myself an Apple Watch which I've wanted for ages but not got round to. I don't feel good still, every time I stop I think too much so tomorrow I'm going for a drive to the nearest city, have a look round, I've got some Christmas money still, so may get some new clothes, trouble is that's difficult being pregnant!

OP posts:
wetasstenalady · 02/01/2021 19:40

You have survived all 100% of your worst days so far

Dery · 02/01/2021 19:49

Sounds like a great plan for tomorrow, OP. Good for you!

CraftyYankee · 02/01/2021 23:23

Hang in there OP. Do you know if it's a boy or a girl? Do you have any names yet, will you let your DCs help choose?

yulelogc · 02/01/2021 23:45

I don't know the sex, we had literally just picked out a name for a girl, not a boy though! Definitely not letting the kids help their suggestions arnt quite to my taste lol

OP posts:
MrsGlitterSparklesHun · 03/01/2021 00:01

Just RTFT and wanted to say you've done amazingly so far. The way he has treated you is vile. He sounds incredibly controlling, wants to be the one making the decisions, having you pining after him and when he didn't hear off you and started losing control of the situation, he changed his tune to a 'part' of him loves you...probably fully expecting you to get in touch and question the 'part' and giving him the reassurance and control back. He is truly awful. The lonfer the silence from you, the more crumbs he will drop. Please read back through this thread when that happens and remember how low he let you feel and take your strength from that to not let him back in! Do what you gotta do to get through each day, you're doing great and every hour that passes is an hour closer to a happy life without that waste of oxygen!

SmileyClare · 03/01/2021 00:35

Yep, you've got us lot cheering you on Op. Smile You're allowed to feel devastated, sad, angry, whatever but I'm quite sure you're stronger than you think. .

Hope you can treat yourself tomorrow, that's the start of self care. One of the worst parts of a break up is the awful kick to your own self confidence. Be very kind to yourself, you deserve good things.

CraftyYankee · 03/01/2021 00:58

Well, find a different girls' name if it will bother you that you chose it together. Or keep it if you love it! He no longer gets a say. In fact if there was anything you liked that he rejected consider it again 😂

3u33y · 03/01/2021 01:59

he is the lowest scumbag of a cocklodger that there is. You and your kids deserve so much better and you will 100% not regret it being over with him sooner rather than later.
well done for being so strong the last few days- u are an incredible lady x

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