Heartbroken, he wants space.

[yulelogc]

Partner of a year, don't live together at the moment but had plans to very soon as I'm pregnant. Things were good I thought then tonight he said he needs space.. but that's it. He won't tell me how much space, or if it means we are together still I have no idea and whenever I ask he just says he doesn't want to hurt me and won't give me a straight answer. I'm heartbroken. I want to know where I stand but also don't want to push. I know I need to give him space but it's so hard 😔 please help me get through this I'm devastated and so confused.

@dogmandu

I believe OP said that she continued with pregnancy on the basis of his promise that they would live together and have a family.

That is true and I'm not challenging that, I challenged the fact that the story now was that OP had been persuaded to continue the pregnancy whereas her original post states it was a joint decision..

Holy fucking moley. Shall we all just agree that you are absolutely right, so that we can gat back to the point of the thread?

@dogmandu

I believe OP said that she continued with pregnancy on the basis of his promise that they would live together and have a family.

That is true and I'm not challenging that, I challenged the fact that the story now was that OP had been persuaded to continue the pregnancy whereas her original post states it was a joint decision..

Doesn’t change what is a fact which is he is a self absorbed piece of shit to do this to a women in the verge of bringing another one of his children into the world

I think someone else is involved this needing space stuff doesn’t ring true especially when they don’t even live together

@yulelogc take care and sorry for what you are going through

How you getting on OP?

Sorry just seen the latest, my phone bugged out ♥️♥️

@dogmandu

I believe OP said that she continued with pregnancy on the basis of his promise that they would live together and have a family.

That is true and I'm not challenging that, I challenged the fact that the story now was that OP had been persuaded to continue the pregnancy whereas her original post states it was a joint decision..

I don't know where all the 'encouraged her to continue with the pregnancy, or persuaded her to continue with the pregnancy stuff came from. In the OP's original post she states ..

I used the word encouraged twice - because he did encourage op to continue the pregnancy. That was stated in lord than one of ops posts (not just the one that you pointed out was posted after you started this.

You've now dropped encourage and moved to persuade.

I don't believe I used the word persuade, which poster/s used the word persuade?

*more than one

It's been hard not talking to him today, really really hard. Kids are in bed and now I'm left with my thoughts which just hurts. I can't stop thinking about him it's torture 😔

D'you know about attachment styles? Have a little google. He is perhaps dismissive, and you may be anxious? It might help you understand what you're feeling. And distract you from feeling it so hard!

I really feel for you. I hope you know there are plenty of people on here rooting for you to stay strong. The pain will not always be so raw, so try and hold on to that.

I'm so sorry you are going through this.

But the "I need space" and "part of me still loves you" screams to me that he has someone else. I hope I am wrong but I wasn't when it happened to me.

I hope you are feeling a little more positive today and that you get some answers. 💐

I don't know if there's anyone else. I would have said no way, that's not him but who knows now.

I'm going to go to bed now, try and sleep, I hope, then get through another day...

I hope you can sleep. You’re doing well. It’s one foot in front of the other, day by day. Anyone would feel like you do. Its completely natural.

Top tip, I was a long haul stewardess for 20+ years . When I was fighting jet lag and struggling to sleep I used an alphabetic game. Try and name two or three places or animals that start with A then B then C etc. It occupies your head enough to distract you from thinking about other things (ie him, but you have to be strict in not letting your mind wander from the game) but it’s not so important to you that you can’t drift off..

Well done for.going NC again OP. You are doing well. I really hope you manage to get sleep, it will make you feel better.

Please never question your worth. You have children who depend on and look up to you. You mean the world to them. Some scumbag has knocked your confidence but that is not a reflection of who you are, more a reflection of what a twatcunt he is. I really hope you get some rest.

Hi Op, I haven't got any better advice than the brilliant replies on here. It sounds as though you reached a real low today. Perhaps also you are finding your anger a little, which is a kind of progress. It's a bit like stages of grief; denial, sadness, anger, emptiness, acceptance, and you can cycle through those lots of times on your way to feeling better.

Nothing he can do or say will ever make up for this pain he has caused you. That can be your closure- you can never go back to him after all this pain.

Little steps; aim to do a few tasks each day. This time will pass.

The important thing is to give yourself the time and support to feel better

HoneyRoar I regularly use the Alphabet game to get to sleep too! I mix it up with loads of different topics; girl's names with each letter, countries, things related to Christmas, colours, whatever.
It's a type of mindfulness and could really help you Op. It empties your mind of all thoughts by concentrating all focus on one thing. It will help you give your mind a "break" from your thoughts/ unpleasant emotions.

Thank you for the alphabet suggestion, it worked last night and I nodded off while doing it!! I slept ok, not brilliantly but ok!
I haven't been out apart from my wobbly yesterday so today I'm taking my younger kids into town while my eldests at her dads to get her birthday things ready for next week. I'm going to be brave and get dressed and just do it.

Well done op ! You sound so much better today , I’m sure a better sleep has helped . Of course , you’ll feel better and may be worse again but it’s all progress . I bet your younger kids will really enjoy time with you today x you’re doing great , keep going x

Good update, OP. Sounds like a bit of sleep has helped. Have a great day and keep posting here for support if you need it.

I think the support on here is helping a lot, I do keep checking for replies. I've got lots to do around the house, So I've got lots to keep me busy. Also last night, I was thinking, about him moving in weekends too, and looking back I wasn't 100% about it. I think I just had it in my head that I needed him there because I was having the baby soon, but I wasn't as ok with it myself as I thought I was. I know that sounds odd because I kept pushing and pushing him to do it, but there was always doubt in my mind about how it would work. I don't understand it myself but just getting it off my chest.

OP, you were forced into a relationship with this man because of the pregnancy. If you weren't pregnant would you have pushed so strongly to rush a virtual stranger into moving in with your 4 children so quickly?

It's good that you are recognising that maybe you had reservations. Even before he asked for space he was treating you and your family appallingly. I remember your other post about him. Take away the fact he is the father of your unborn baby and look at him for the man he is. Someone willing to keep you hanging, take food off your table, not contribute to the household despite having all the benefits of living there. You are a mother of 4 children, imagine how they have felt this last year. Another baby on the way, a strange man who may or may not live their, their mother who they love more than anything now stressed unhappy and preoccupied.

This man is not a friend to you or your family.

@yulelogc

I think the support on here is helping a lot, I do keep checking for replies. I've got lots to do around the house, So I've got lots to keep me busy. Also last night, I was thinking, about him moving in weekends too, and looking back I wasn't 100% about it. I think I just had it in my head that I needed him there because I was having the baby soon, but I wasn't as ok with it myself as I thought I was. I know that sounds odd because I kept pushing and pushing him to do it, but there was always doubt in my mind about how it would work. I don't understand it myself but just getting it off my chest.

This is a brilliant and very, very healthy thing to have recognised and acknowledged. It's a red flag.

Red flags are often explained as 'dodgy behaviours' by partners, but they are, in fact, your own emotional responses. So, for example, if you start dating someone, and they want to speak on the phone every day, that might make you feel like they think you're great and your feelings towards them are reciprocated, or it can make you feel watched and supervised and very uncomfortable. There's nothing wrong with the behaviour, or the partner, but it's a red flag for the relationship if your emotional response is the latter.

There's something going on for you regarding invalidating your own emotions. You didn't feel 100% about him moving in (and possibly other things, if you think really hard?) but you ignored that feeling and carried on. Usually this happens when someone has regularly had their feelings brushed aside whilst they were growing up. Could that be the case for you? If so, that takes all the responsibility for why you allowed this to happen off you, but, gloriously, gives you all the power to make all the right decisions in the future.

I had a similar emotional epiphany, and really can only thank the person who left me. It was the best and most valuable lesson I've ever learned. Life changing. I hope the same happens for you. It will be the most wonderful lesson to teach your children, too, and really, so simple: Listen to your emotions.

@yulelogc - it’s great that you’re now beginning to see that it wasn’t really what you wanted either. It will be so much easier to let him go. Have a great day with your kids.

Have faith in your ability to get through this without him. Sounds like he was only there part time anyway and you were filled with a lot of angst re him moving in: will he, won't he?

I hope you have a better day today x

Yeah there are other things. He would constantly go on about his past girlfriends, even about the sex sometimes, I didn't like it, did ask him to stop which he did but now I'm thinking, he started up saying things again about 2 weeks before he ended things trying to make me jealous. and accused me a lot of flirting with other men (which I never did) he really was going on and on. Infact he nit picked a lot... said my 11 year old was too stroppy, that it's a problem! She isn't particularly stroppy at all, she's a good kid and doesn't cause me any problems as a rule, occasionally she's a bit lazy and she will huff and puff but she's a preteen! Kept mentioning my kids dad and how he's a waste of space almost like it was my fault.

It did cause me quite a lot of grief about him moving in, also over Christmas because I didn't think he wanted to spend it with me, I thought if we are going to be a family surely it should be spent together... That upset me a lot.

He was always good at playing the victim... would always say "oh yes I'm such a horrible person arnt I!" Or "yep I'm a prick" when we had a minor disagreement.

He doesn't handle stress well, gets overwhelmed easy and if I was to be not in the best mood he would tell me I was mean, made me feel like I always needed to be happy and at my best.

There are so many things that I ignored, no idea why, guess because I love him and obviously we did have good times and a lot in common...
I'm just trying to process everything. It helps to get it out

That's really good, to identify these things and name them. They all sound very unpleasant! Does it feel like a relief to get them out into the world by writing them down where people will read and respond to them? And did/do they all give you a similar feeling in your body, like a knot in your stomach or a tension in your shoulders or a nauseous feeling (or something else)?