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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Heartbroken, he wants space.

751 replies

yulelogc · 30/12/2020 01:04

Partner of a year, don't live together at the moment but had plans to very soon as I'm pregnant. Things were good I thought then tonight he said he needs space.. but that's it. He won't tell me how much space, or if it means we are together still I have no idea and whenever I ask he just says he doesn't want to hurt me and won't give me a straight answer. I'm heartbroken. I want to know where I stand but also don't want to push. I know I need to give him space but it's so hard 😔 please help me get through this I'm devastated and so confused.

OP posts:
Dery · 01/01/2021 19:42

“You know that you don't have to believe in all your feelings? Sometimes you can just look at them and say 'Jeez, look at what they're doing now!' You still have to respond to them accordingly. You can't ignore them. But they're feelings, not facts. You know that, factually, you're a decent, kind, and very worthwhile person, right?”

@Eckhart has put this beautifully. A transformative point in my life was when I learnt to have my feelings rather than my feelings having me - realising that my feelings were just one part of me, not the whole of me.

Also - if I recall correctly from my 2 pregnancies there is a particularly powerful hormonal release around 34 weeks which is something to do with development of the baby’s lungs and the baby’s ability to breathe outside the womb. I remember being advised that it’s likely to be a particularly emotional week in the pregnancy. Obviously you have reason to be distressed but hormones may well be playing a significant role in the intensity of your feelings.

Eckhart · 01/01/2021 19:42

@dogmandu

The man has left his heavily pregnant partner dangling and told her that he'd decide after he'd seen her next week whether he wanted a relationship with her or not, after saying he wanted to move in with her and raise the child together.

Does it really matter to OP's situation now that other details have been changed?

Dery · 01/01/2021 19:45

@dogmandu - isn’t the most important thing right now to support a clearly very distressed OP rather than pick apart her posts? Whatever the history, this guy hasn’t come through and OP is dealing with the fallout from that.

Eckhart · 01/01/2021 19:46

A transformative point in my life was when I learnt to have my feelings rather than my feelings having me - realising that my feelings were just one part of me, not the whole of me

Same here, @Dery. And OP, it should be very clear to you right now that this is the case, because your feelings about yourself have changed so drastically and dramatically over the course of a few days. You can't have changed from a good, successful person to a bad failure so fully and totally in such a short time. Feelings are just one perception. There are others.

Limeandlemon · 01/01/2021 19:46

What you fail to realise op, this man is not worthy of you! You are too good for this man! Your worth does not change because some dickhead rejects you. A rejection is a blessing. It means he has shown his true colours, the real him. He is a coward, avoidant, commitment-phobe who leads you up the garden path and abandons you there. That’s not because of you. That’s not because it means you aren’t enough. It means he is not enough for you! He has his own shit to deal with.
He has left you in a state but you are not powerless. Take your power back, take control. You’ve told him to fuck off, good. Don’t take him back, he’s shown you who he is and he will be like this with the baby too. Now you are aware.
You are free to live your life, your future is bright. You have a wonderful little bundle to welcome to the world, your kids. Your family and friends. Your passions. You will meet someone amazing, you will learn the lessons you need and they will come in handy and you will be a super spotter of red flags and your self worth will be high....because you have the power to pull yourself together and heal, and work on your self worth.
Feel your feelings. You are allowed to be sad.
Don’t have anything to do with him. Keep him updated with the baby and don’t let him hoover you back in.

You got this

Original poster
yulelogc · 01/01/2021 19:46

He did want the pregnancy more than me. I considered abortion, I didn't want another baby. He really wanted it, promised to always be there for me and support me and my children. Although I do accept it was ultimately my decision, so not all on him, he did really want this baby

OP posts:
BlueThistles · 01/01/2021 19:59

Glad your Mum is there OP Flowers

Windmillwhirl · 01/01/2021 20:06

You could turn yourself inside out trying to work why he is doing what he is doing. You need to deal with facts. As of now he is no longer in a relationship with you and your baby and children need you.

Try and shift your focus to get back some focus and control.

dogmandu · 01/01/2021 20:07

Does it really matter to OP's situation now that other details have been changed?

No it doesn't change the awful and unforgivable behaviour of her partner but changing facts to make your own case stronger implies that your own case is not strong enough as a stand alone and that you need to embellish or change facts to make your case credible. You begin to lost trust in the whole issue then.

dogmandu · 01/01/2021 20:10

@dogmandu - isn’t the most important thing right now to support a clearly very distressed OP rather than pick apart her posts?

I wasn't picking apart her posts. She has not said that he persuaded her to continue with the pregnancy. She has been true to her original post on that. My issue is with some posters who have made assumptions to suit their personal agenda.

Illstartexercisingtomorrow · 01/01/2021 20:16

OP there are a lot of us on here who are random strangers on the internet who can see your worth and your value.

You bring a lot to the people around you. Even if it’s a smile or a kind word, holding a door open, asking someone how they are. Every time you do a tiny thing for each of your dc that’s of value. Start counting your worth through all these things you do without even thinking about it.

Twat face does not add to your worth as a person.

prawncocktailpringles · 01/01/2021 20:18

Hey, you got through another day with no contact! You have been really strong today. Well done!

Eckhart · 01/01/2021 20:23

@dogmandu

Does it really matter to OP's situation now that other details have been changed?

No it doesn't change the awful and unforgivable behaviour of her partner but changing facts to make your own case stronger implies that your own case is not strong enough as a stand alone and that you need to embellish or change facts to make your case credible. You begin to lost trust in the whole issue then.

WTF? Is it a court of law, where all posters have to prove their posts and the background to them to be a true and accurate representation?

OP, sorry for derailing your thread.

Sandals19 · 01/01/2021 20:27

[quote dogmandu]@dogmandu - isn’t the most important thing right now to support a clearly very distressed OP rather than pick apart her posts?

I wasn't picking apart her posts. She has not said that he persuaded her to continue with the pregnancy. She has been true to her original post on that. My issue is with some posters who have made assumptions to suit their personal agenda.[/quote]
He did want the pregnancy more than me. I considered abortion, I didn't want another baby. He really wanted it, promised to always be there for me and support me and my children.

This is what I've read in op's posts .... She's stated it more than once.

She wasnt sure about continuing the pregnancy but did do with his encouragement.

Wtaf are you talking about?

dogmandu · 01/01/2021 20:28

WTF? Is it a court of law, where all posters have to prove their posts and the background to them to be a true and accurate representation?

No, but when people see fact bought in that they don't think is correct then they have a perfect right to challenge it without a personal attack on them.

Sandals19 · 01/01/2021 20:30

I can't even be bothered going back through 23 pages of posts to find where op has said that (at least once, maybe more than once).

What are you doing here?

dogmandu · 01/01/2021 20:31

He did want the pregnancy more than me. I considered abortion, I didn't want another baby. He really wanted it, promised to always be there for me and support me and my children.

the OP has just stated this after my post. I may have missed it earlier and if you can find it pls let me see it. I was going by her original post which I quoted.

GalaxyCookieCrumble · 01/01/2021 20:33

@Pollypocket89

Why are you being so passive and just not replying to him... You need to take control of yours and now your 5th child's future and end it
I agree, 5 children who are 100% affected by the consequences of other people's actions.
tropicalwaterdiver · 01/01/2021 20:34

@dogmandu

I don't know where all the 'encouraged her to continue with the pregnancy, or persuaded her to continue with the pregnancy stuff came from. In the OP's original post she states :

It wasn’t planned but we spent a long time discussing wether we should continue with the pregnancy, we hadn’t been together long so it wasn’t an easy decision.
We both decided we loved each other and were happy, wanted to move in together and have this baby.

This is an important fact in the whole discussion. There are other things that have been changed' a bit. It's a pity hat the two threads weren't linked as there is a confused picture in some aspects. I think some posters have been changing the facts to suit their replies, and these changes have been carried forward as facts,

I believe OP said that she continued with pregnancy on the basis of his promise that they would live together and have a family.
Original poster
yulelogc · 01/01/2021 20:36

That's right @tropicalwaterdiver. He said we would be a proper family, we would do this together, he made a lot of promises.
It doesn't really matter now, it's over, I know that, I'm just trying to get through each day best I can, not doing it very successfully so far I know 😔

OP posts:
Eckhart · 01/01/2021 20:37

You're not even making sense, @dogmandu. What is it exactly that you are trying to gain? You're trying to prove that some PPs have responded to inaccuracies?

Drop it. It only matters to you.

Sandals19 · 01/01/2021 20:37

I may have missed it earlier and if you can find it pls let me see it

Find it yourself.

Also even your quote from op's origjnal post states they "both* decided they wanted to have the baby etc. If someone says they want to continue a pregnancy, move into together, have a live in relationship with someone else tc .... How exactly is that not encouraging them to continue a pregnancy??

Sandals19 · 01/01/2021 20:40

Totally aside from the post you've missed ..
He dud encourage her, from his side, to continue the relationship and believe she'd have the baby in the context of a secure, committed, cohabiting relationship.

dogmandu · 01/01/2021 20:40

I believe OP said that she continued with pregnancy on the basis of his promise that they would live together and have a family.

That is true and I'm not challenging that, I challenged the fact that the story now was that OP had been persuaded to continue the pregnancy whereas her original post states it was a joint decision..

Sandals19 · 01/01/2021 20:40

*continue the pregnancy

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