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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Heartbroken, he wants space.

751 replies

yulelogc · 30/12/2020 01:04

Partner of a year, don't live together at the moment but had plans to very soon as I'm pregnant. Things were good I thought then tonight he said he needs space.. but that's it. He won't tell me how much space, or if it means we are together still I have no idea and whenever I ask he just says he doesn't want to hurt me and won't give me a straight answer. I'm heartbroken. I want to know where I stand but also don't want to push. I know I need to give him space but it's so hard 😔 please help me get through this I'm devastated and so confused.

OP posts:
Sandals19 · 01/01/2021 16:49

I don't even think anyone wants me. I'm of no value to anyone

You're of value to yourself, your family & your kids.

You could easily be if "value" to a different partner; one who's not him. He's an absolute c*nt for encouraging you to go ahead with the pregnancy, only to be flaky, uncommitted and now to do this. The very best that can be said is that he thought he wanted that, but has realised since that he doesn't. However he could not be honest with himself leg alone other people to have been acting the way he has, and now do this. He's an absolute tool. No doubt his child's mother found out the sane or they probably still be together.

You could meet someone else, who's not like him. But that's m fur the future.
Right now you've got to just concentrate on yourself and you family.

Get your cm off him and see how he turns out in terms of looking after his child when it's his turn. He'll probably mess you around more if you let him.

It's not you who's low value, it's him.

BlueThistles · 01/01/2021 16:55

OP you do not need him to validate your worth.. he is definitely not worthy of your kindness your affection or love.. look at what his actions have done to you.. you can't live like this my lovely..

your precious children need you... you are everything to them.. you are their world... they will be worried about you ... they have an unconditional love for you their Mum ... 🌺

Eckhart · 01/01/2021 17:28

Sorry you're feeling shitty, @yulelogc

Sending you a hug. I have a question for you: Did you feel like a more worthy person when the two of you were together, and he was being normal rather than a total knob end?

(sorry, I tried to ask it in a non-judgemental way, but that's just the way it came out... Wink )

cordelia16 · 01/01/2021 17:31

OP, I'm so sorry for what you are going through.

Please do not give this awful, selfish, cowardly man any more head space. He has shown you who he is, and his behaviour and feelings reflect his worth (very little!), not yours. You have a wonderful family - your mum and children - and friends. Let them help you see how amazing you are until you're able to see it again for yourself.

Your children would be devastated without you. Rage and cry and feel sorry for yourself as much as you need, but please don't give up. Flowers

yulelogc · 01/01/2021 17:35

Yeah I did @Eckhart. I thought he wanted a future with me. I genuinely did. He said he wanted to be there for my kids. He fooled me, well and truly

OP posts:
Confusedashell12 · 01/01/2021 17:37

OP, your kids love you! Your mum loves you! Please stay safe ok?

It's fine to trash your home, to go out for a drive...

Just look after yourself and please understand you are not thinking clearly - and no one can blame you for that.

You're not sleeping or eating properly, and this guy has messed you around big time. Add in pregnancy hormones. None of it is your fault. Obviously all these factors are going to mess with your mind and make you not think clearly.

Drive home safely, make yourself a sweet cup of tea, and take deep breaths. Have a shower, or bath. Cry if you need to.

Please keep posting, we are all here and rooting for you here.

If you are really desperate, call 999, or the Samaritans

Sending much love to you Flowers

excelledyourself · 01/01/2021 17:39

Your feelings are very real, OP. But also temporary. You can absolutely do this.

Go and be with your mum and your kids. That's the kind of love you need.

Eckhart · 01/01/2021 17:41

OK. So, he is the deciding factor for you, regarding whether you have any worth or not?

BreakfastClub80 · 01/01/2021 17:42

OP, I’m so sorry you’re feeling so bad. Please give yourself time, your feelings won’t change straight away or even as quickly as you’d like them to. Nobody falls out of love immediately and especially with the push/pull recently, you must feel like you’re in a spin dryer.
Your mum sounds brilliant, and will help you and your kids over the next few days I’m sure, you just need to keep going. You will get small moments of peace, which will gradually get bigger as you come to accept everything. But it WILL get better. Flowers

Confusedashell12 · 01/01/2021 17:47

OP, have you called your maternity unit/midwife yet? Just sending you a gentle reminder, this is important, when you are able to do Flowers

yulelogc · 01/01/2021 17:48

At the moment it feels that way @Eckhart

OP posts:
yulelogc · 01/01/2021 17:48

I haven't called my midwife yet, I will do though

OP posts:
Eckhart · 01/01/2021 17:55

Can you see the flaw in your thinking, though? You are putting your trust entirely in a lying, manipulative... person... to value what you are worth.

(there, I did it without calling the twat-face any names)
(D'oh!)

OK. What did you think your values were when the two of you were still together? Honest? Lovable? Fab Mum? Can you make a list?

yulelogc · 01/01/2021 18:12

@Eckhart yes I suppose so. I would have said I was a good mum, a caring girlfriend, a good friend, I suppose that's not changed really because of him.

OP posts:
BlueThistles · 01/01/2021 18:37

nothing has changed OP.. you are still all those things and more.... but you've been treated badly but someone who is continuing to do so... he thinks he had all the emotional power in your relationship but he doesn't have that now because you have taken it back... you are in great pain whilst coping with your pregnancy and other daily life stuff... it's not easy OP.. and it will take time...

and don't be his 'friend' OP.. your not anyone's emotional crutch 🌺

yulelogc · 01/01/2021 18:55

I'm trying to focus on the baby, and I do want this baby I really do. I find the loneliest thing being pregnant and on my own, so I'm sort of glad I haven't got long left

OP posts:
Confusedashell12 · 01/01/2021 19:14

Are you home now, OP? Flowers

yulelogc · 01/01/2021 19:17

@Confusedashell12 yes. My mums here and my kids. I've been talking to my friends all day. Trying to get my head round things. I feel bad how I acted earlier I know my kids deserve better than that.

OP posts:
Eckhart · 01/01/2021 19:19

Those things haven't changed because of him. Focus on listening to the things you know about yourself. Make your list. Make it long. Write it down, work on it. Think of all the nice things you've done, all the beneficial, kind, decent, respectful things you've done, for yourself and others, things that are nothing to do with him, that you would have done even if you'd never met him. Think of the work you have done. Write them all down, think about them, spend time in your head with them, meditate on them.

I have a feeling that what's happened is that you've missed red flags he's shown you, because you're used to taking responsibility for bad things that have happened in the relationship. And this willingness to accept the negativity as your own is now all you're left with. It's not real, though. And it's not your fault. Perhaps you were raised minimising your own feelings?

You know that you don't have to believe in all your feelings? Sometimes you can just look at them and say 'Jeez, look at what they're doing now!' You still have to respond to them accordingly. You can't ignore them. But they're feelings, not facts. You know that, factually, you're a decent, kind, and very worthwhile person, right?

Sandals19 · 01/01/2021 19:20

Eckhart has made the point but just to reinforce it .. noone else should be "deciding" your worth. So he doesn't want to be with you, now or at all ... No decent, reliable, stable huh would've done what he's done; encourage you to continue the pregnancy, told you he wanted to blend families with you and be with you, but not actually commit and now end your relationship with the baby's arrival looming. He's a flaky, weak, dishonest/disingenuous, cowardly, low integrity bastard. And what he's doing to you is cruel & shitty. I bet he was a bastard in one way or another with his child's mother too abd that's why they're not together.

Don't value yourself by whether he wants a relationship with you or not.

Look at the number of beautiful, successful women who've been treated poorly, left etc by men (Halle Berry, Sandra Bullock, Mylene Class, Kelly Brook, Helena Christensen) ... Is that a reflection of them or on the men?
If you look at the men involved, they're generally all flaky and degenerate.

Sandals19 · 01/01/2021 19:23

And he's showing himself to be over time too. One failed relationship with child's mother (and I bet it was mostly or all him), now another relationship with (soon to arrive) child's mother that he's run from before baby has even arrived.

Confusedashell12 · 01/01/2021 19:26

You are human, yulelogc, and you've been doing just fine, ok? Your kids deserve you, end of. You're going through a terrible time, it's completely understandable. It feels like utter shit, I know. You've got to process it, and feel the awful emotions, but it will get better, ok? I know I've said it before, just take each day by day, and remember to keep nourished and well hydrated. Rest is important too. Try to do relaxing things, like listen to music, have a bath etc. Keep talking to your friends. Vent on here. You'll definitely get through this, remember. Just hang in there, you're going through an awful shock, and this is the worst of it, but it will get better I promise Flowers

hashbrownsandwich · 01/01/2021 19:29

I don't mean this patronisingly @yulelogc but this will be the absolute best thing to happen to you. It'll be absolute shit at times but my god, the pride you will feel when you get through to the highs knowing you've put yourself and your kids before any man, will be the best feeling in the world.

Eckhart · 01/01/2021 19:34

Following on from what @Sandals19 has said, google 'single celebrities'. They've mostly had crap relationship experiences and yet are successful, confident people who don't place value in what their ex thinks of them. If it's good enough for Kristen Scott Thomas...

dogmandu · 01/01/2021 19:36

I don't know where all the 'encouraged her to continue with the pregnancy, or persuaded her to continue with the pregnancy stuff came from. In the OP's original post she states :

It wasn’t planned but we spent a long time discussing wether we should continue with the pregnancy, we hadn’t been together long so it wasn’t an easy decision.
We both decided we loved each other and were happy, wanted to move in together and have this baby.

This is an important fact in the whole discussion. There are other things that have been changed' a bit. It's a pity hat the two threads weren't linked as there is a confused picture in some aspects. I think some posters have been changing the facts to suit their replies, and these changes have been carried forward as facts,

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