Heartbroken, he wants space.

[yulelogc]

Partner of a year, don't live together at the moment but had plans to very soon as I'm pregnant. Things were good I thought then tonight he said he needs space.. but that's it. He won't tell me how much space, or if it means we are together still I have no idea and whenever I ask he just says he doesn't want to hurt me and won't give me a straight answer. I'm heartbroken. I want to know where I stand but also don't want to push. I know I need to give him space but it's so hard 😔 please help me get through this I'm devastated and so confused.

You are doing really well, OP. The more ways you can find to distract yourself the better. It sounds like you’re someone who’s used to being out and about which of course is hard right now plus with 4 children you probably haven’t had much spare time. A PP’s suggestion of making collages sounds great. You’ve probably got quite a lot of craft material on hand!

Yes his child stayed over Christmas. Not really sure why it's relevant though. I don't think it matters

@Dery yes I am usually out and about that's true. I just feel so lost. I am proud of myself that I haven't messaged him all day, I know that sounds silly, but I'm fighting an urge that's so strong.

No she didn't. And neither did he. They came the day after Boxing Day.

And it matters because staying one or two nights is not the same as saying with you 50% of the time. That takes a lot of building up. And not after only months.

He shouldn't have said he wanted to move in, but you did give him an ultimatum and I hope h reason he's stalling now is because he's realised this isn't fair on his child.

Yes his child stayed over Christmas, like I said I changed a few details so I wasn't outing myself! I'm not going to keep explaining myself to you you're not being very helpful nit picking at everything from a previous thread that I've said I've changed certain details on!

And yes he has his child 3 nights a week when at school in term time but 4/5 nights in the holidays. Sometimes even more than that!

@excelledyourself

This reads a lot like you're tying to catch OP out. It's really unpleasant. Whatever reasons he has, he's still treated OP appallingly, and that's what she's dealing with.

Are you trying to prove him right?

Please stop picking details , OP has changed a few details to keep her privacy , totally understandable. Some of us have been there too.

@Eckhart

Right now, he is treating her badly, I agree. I feel for, OP.

But I read that thread at the time, and it seems to me that there has been more than the changing of minor details. Just makes me wonder why.

And I don't think he should be moving in with OP 100% yet. If it was just the two of them, fine. But it isn't.

But I do hope it works out for everyone.

I changed minor details, nothing major, and that was in the previous thread, I haven't changed anything in this one, mainly because I don't think I care about being outed now, it is what it is and I need to honest support and advice.

Glad to hear it @yulelogc, let him be gutted- he can either be a proper DF or not. Don't tell him yet, I'd hate him to have another excuse to feel sorry for himself

@yulelogc I apologise. I know you're hurting and needing support.

I just feel this could also be massively confusing for his other child.

But I don't wish to upset you.

“Please stop picking details , OP has changed a few details to keep her privacy , totally understandable. Some of us have been there too.”

This.

This man talked OP into keeping the pregnancy on the grounds that he would move in and they would make a family life together. He’s had months to get to grips with that. He has consistently failed to do it. That is the point.

[quote excelledyourself]@Eckhart

Right now, he is treating her badly, I agree. I feel for, OP.

But I read that thread at the time, and it seems to me that there has been more than the changing of minor details. Just makes me wonder why.

And I don't think he should be moving in with OP 100% yet. If it was just the two of them, fine. But it isn't.

But I do hope it works out for everyone.[/quote]
And if there has been more than a change of minor details, that wouldn't matter. The bloke still sits in the pub making excuses and saying he'll decide when he sees OP next week whether or not he's going to stick to plans he agreed with. I really don't get what point you were making, but it doesn't really matter. OP is looking for support here and has it. She's on trial for accuracy of detail.

Sorry for derailing the thread, @yulelogc

I took my guy back after going through what you are now going through - the not moving in, leaving me when pregnant. We’ve been back together since July and now we aren’t even speaking as behaviours haven’t changed so I know how you feel. It’s been 4 days of no contact. I think you have done amazing not to contact him so well done. You need to have that pride of not contacting him, clearly he thinks you’re at home crying and desperate for him to return whilst he’s going out living his life like he has no responsibilities! It’s shocking and I’m so sorry you’re in this situation but all I can say is stay strong have an early night as evenings are the hardest for being alone.
Know you’re not alone either. My kids have been with their dad all week and I’m alone even on NYE. Just stay strong!!

I don’t think it is a co incidence that he needs space now, when your ultimatum date has come round.

Well done for being strong today, it would be easy to be irrational and chase him, but that is no good for you or the DC.

Happy to hand hold should you need it

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I just worry that by just blocking him on some things it will drag on for you. He’ll just keep sending you smarmy “I’m such a caring bloke” hope you’re ok messages. You’d be better telling HIM to leave you alone, that you’re heavily pregnant with his baby and his treatment is making you unwell.

@LockdownLady1 sorry you're going through something similar. 4 days is amazing to go no contact. Where do you think things stand at the moment?

The bloke still sits in the pub making excuses

A small point maybe, but I didn't think pubs were open ...?

Last night pub was open. We went into tier 3 at midnight last night

OP just checking how you are....

I like to draw... but I particularly love colouring books.. even kids ones ..adult ones.. butterfly/wildlife themed relaxation ones.. anything really.. just colouring .. distracts me from the stresses of my job..

just a thought lovely.. I know it's hard... please take care of yourself..

@Honeyroar I get what you're saying... but I just can't bring myself to block him at the moment, I haven't contacted him at all though.

Thank you @BlueThistles maybe I'll give the colouring a go, I definitely need a distraction. Thank you for checking in. I'm still the same really, feel miserable but I've still not contacted him which I really am proud of myself for.

I have been lurking and really feel for you. I have been in that situation where you feel addicted and crazy because of someone's erratic behaviour. It reminds me of something I heard about riptides. People get swept away because they fight against the tide but if you can just step aside you can escape the strength of the tide. I am not sure if that makes sense.

Anyway I delurked to recommend listening to podcasts. Nothing distracts or relaxes me more. Here are some of my favourites:
Reply All
Criminal
British History Podcasts
TED radio
Accused
In the Dark....

Or just download a podcast app and browse.

I like them because you can wander around and potter whilst listening.

I also think you should see it like an addiction. One day at a time.

All the best

@prawncocktailpringles that makes sense. When he first said he needed space I did the normal reaction of "no don't do this I need you " but I have since just stepped aside and I'm not fighting it. I still feel crazy, and addicted, and miserable but I'm just concentrating on not contacting.

I've never listened to a podcast before so I'll have a look, I'd need to get some ear phones first! thank you.

They are totally addictive. My guilty pleasure is true crime.