Heartbroken, he wants space.

[yulelogc]

Partner of a year, don't live together at the moment but had plans to very soon as I'm pregnant. Things were good I thought then tonight he said he needs space.. but that's it. He won't tell me how much space, or if it means we are together still I have no idea and whenever I ask he just says he doesn't want to hurt me and won't give me a straight answer. I'm heartbroken. I want to know where I stand but also don't want to push. I know I need to give him space but it's so hard 😔 please help me get through this I'm devastated and so confused.

He seems a delight! What he wants?
Block him and make no effort to contact him he's a waste of space.
A baby is coming and he can't suddenly decide it might not be what he wants. Immaculate bastard.
Sorry you're going through this but you're better odd without the loser.

He wants to meet before he decides what he wants? That would be a big no from me and I wouldn’t qualify it with a response either. Well done OP - take back control and keep on moving forward, even if it feels like it is by millimetres

Ok, I see, it is a bit of a repeat scenario then, isn't it, OP. Maybe there is something about you that attracts men that treat you badly because they can sense your vulnerabilities. It's a terrible thing for them to do and it isn't your fault, but for your own and your children's sake, please think about it and what you can do to change it. I'm sorry you haven't had a great experience so far I think I'd avoid this guy and certainly not get into a new relationship for a while, before you feel in control.

What a truly awful man, you gave him a chance to talk and he couldn't be bothered.

This will be a loved baby in spite of him. x

Maybe there is something about you that attracts men that treat you badly because they can sense your vulnerabilities. It's a terrible thing for them to do and it isn't your fault, but for your own and your children's sake, please think about it and what you can do to change it

It's generally a lack of ability to recognise/respond to red flags, due to over exposure to them in early life. REALLY important to stress that this is not the fault of the abuse victim, who is just trying to be a decent and reasonably accepting person. It leads to an 'Is it just me, or..?' mindset, where the victim spots that something feels off but doesn't trust their perception, having had their responses to red flags ignored repeatedly in the past.

It IS the victim's responsibility to remove themselves from the company of people who make them feel the 'is it just me, or..?' questions. In fact, those are the signs of red flags.

^This is exactly why I suggested OP does the Freedom Programme when she feels able, it helps women to differentiate between healthy/unhealthy signs in relationships, and empowers them to make good choices.

I am definitely damaged

It sounds pathetic but I believed this man, I thought he was it, I believed his promises. If that makes me weak then so be it but I can't turn back time now

Listen to the way you are talking about yourself OP. All this negative self talk. You're not pathetic or weak or damaged. You have made some bad choices, that's all. There is nothing wrong with you except that you think that something is wrong with you. If you hold that core belief, then when someone tells you you've got problems, you believe them. The other option is to say 'No, I don't, and anyone who says I do can sod off.'

It's a filtering system. You end up with only decent, attentive, caring people around you.

I'll say it again: The only thing wrong with you is that you think there's something wrong with you.

I think OP is stringing this out as well as her BF.

She knows perfectly well the situation. He's been taking advantage of her good nature since the beginning (see her first thread. It clarifies a lot of things not being mentioned on this one). He has NEVER been reliable. She knows it's going nowhere but she continues to give him just one more chance , and another one and yet another one , and just talk to him one more time to explain how she feels etc etc.

She could end it tomorrow and block him. It will be hard but it's the only solution and in her best interests.

They are both stringing this out. It's like a never ending soap. Also I'm not sure he pressured her into keeping the baby. I thought they both equally wanted the baby. I thought she told him if she did go through with it he had to move in. Maybe she could clarify this.

I can foresee this thread going into a third and fourth one unless she takes matters into her own hands. At the end of the day, we are all to a large extent responsible for our own destiny.

This has gone on long enough and I hope that the OP finds the strength to bring it to an end. We are all here to support her for as long as she needs it.

@yulelogc

I messaged him said that it's not fair to string me along and just get on with it. He replied that he's sorting something out... fuck knows what's more important than the woman carrying his child. Don't get it.

Thank you all for the supportive comments I really do appreciate it

So sorry you're going through this. Unfortunately in my experience, 'sorting something out' is usually another woman. Perhaps he's seeing who'll fight harder for him. Best to just let him go, for your own well-being. x

Why are you being so passive and just not replying to him... You need to take control of yours and now your 5th child's future and end it

OP isn’t stringing this out. She’s made clear in her most recent posts that she’s blocking this waste of space and focusing on herself, her children and her coming baby. This guy is trying to string things out but it’s clearly over because he doesn’t want what OP is offering and can’t give OP what she needs. I think OP knows that.

I agree with PP - OP, please do the Freedom Programme before you have any further relationships. It will help protect you from men who want to exploit your good nature. Women are put on this earth to live their own best lives, not to serve inadequate men.

I don’t see the need for a reply. It’s over. As a good friend of mine often says: no answer is an answer.

I don't mean for his benefit to reply, I mean for hers. To write it down and close the chapter herself

Pressed send too soon

No concrete answer is also a way back, a loophole. Like the pattern of previous threads (I mean no offense there, op). The pattern needs to be broken x

I bet he thinks he won’t have to pay to support his child too. You accepted his cocklodging behaviour so why not shit dad behaviour too?

As mentioned before I don't doubt this for an instant - in fact "are you okay?" may well be part of building an "I was a good guy really ..." image in preparation for walking away financially as well as physically

If you really needed to respond, I would just text “Sorry, I need some space. I need time to think about what I want...I will contact you if I want to discuss anything with you about my decision, but right now I don’t. Please don’t contact me again.”

She’s made clear in her most recent posts that she’s blocking this waste of space and focusing on herself, her children and her coming baby

With the caveat that this is for OP and nobody else to decide, I'm not sure the above is true. Only hours ago an "I'm definitely going to block him" was followed in mere minutes by "should I block him?"

I imagine we can all understand how painful this must be - some of us through experience - but it's clear to me at least that OP just isn't there yet and that the rollercoaster will go on. Hopefully, though, we can all support her in getting to a better place

It's all about him. All about his feelings. All about how he wants to manipulate the situation, and manipulate you. Don't give him that power OP, meeting face to face isn't necessary if he's going to apologise unreservedly. He isn't going to do that. He's goi my to feed you some bullshit about not sing ready and needing to see you to know how he truly feels. All of that is bollocks. It's theatre. Take control of the whole mess by not enabling him to call all the shots. He's taking up so much of your headspace when he doesn't deserve to.

He is not a good man. He is not a good father. Keep reminding yourself that he's dead weight you and your baby don't need right now.

I think blocking someone is a bit immature and lowers to his level . They will still have a child together and ideally he can still have a father relationship? I do think she should reply to close the chapter on the relationship but her child has a right to have a father relationship and that door should be open still - on the ops terms . There are a lot of crap boyfriends who are good fathers . I don’t know what kind of father he is to his other child and this walk out isn’t a great first sign but I don’t think it’s as easy as blocking someone you’ve just been dating

He wants to meet with you before he decides what he wants? You mean he's going to audition you? Like the X factor? I know you've said you won't, but please please don't go to this.

@Sunshinelove8 he's a good dad, and me blocking him doesn't mean I'll block him from the childs life. Just until the baby is due, he will be informed when it's born, and he will be involved, I wouldn't stop that. But for my own sanity I can't have him messaging me every day asking if the baby is ok, he knows I'd tell him if something was up ive made that clear

Tell him actions speak louder than words. You accept his decision and would appreciate no contact while you come to terms with the new reality of your life.

Also, I know you made the thread title some time ago, but please don't describe his actions as"wanting some space". Wanting space is going to the cinema on your own for two hours, not walking out on your heavily pregnant partner with no word of if or when you might come back.

So the words you need to use both to yourself and to other people are "he walked out on me when I was 33 weeks pregnant". "He left me and the children". Because this is what he has done. Don't collude with him in his lies.

I really wish you well OP and your mum sounds fab, I'm glad she's there with you. You posted earlier that baby is jumping around, remember that he/she will be worth all this heartache! You sound like you have a huge capacity for love, keep it all for your new baby and family... your ex partner is not deserving of any of it.

@JovialNickname I don't know, that's what he said. I haven't said yes, I haven't said anything!
I'm just trying my best not to message him or anything. It's hard because for the last year we messaged all day every day... now nothing, it's a hard habit to break and I'm
Definitely struggling with not hearing from him

I just think blocking seems aggressive , a message setting out your stall and letting him know he’s been crap and you don’t want anymore contact but will let him know when baby arrives is better. He might just turn up at your door creating drama if you block him .