Heartbroken, he wants space.

[yulelogc]

Partner of a year, don't live together at the moment but had plans to very soon as I'm pregnant. Things were good I thought then tonight he said he needs space.. but that's it. He won't tell me how much space, or if it means we are together still I have no idea and whenever I ask he just says he doesn't want to hurt me and won't give me a straight answer. I'm heartbroken. I want to know where I stand but also don't want to push. I know I need to give him space but it's so hard 😔 please help me get through this I'm devastated and so confused.

The guy is treating you like he doesn’t give a shit.

Why?

Because he doesn’t give a shit.

Look at the difference in your behaviour.

You are at home, crying, heartbroken and barely able to eat or drink despite having an unborn baby to think of. That is love.

Meanwhile he’s in the pub enjoying himself and not even trying to hide it.

Could you imagine going to the pub right now?

Do not waste anymore time or energy on this or let your emotions rule your logical brain.

Force yourself to concentrate on what’s important which is you and your children.

You can do this!

I think this is what you're thinking- you are hoping that if you tell him it's over he will come running back. But you're scared to just in case he says 'ok' and that's really the end? You are hoping to sharp shock him but fearful it won't work, so are now being passive.

But, you saying 'it's over' would not make a man who wanted to be with you just roll over and go 'ok guess it's the end then' and not fight for the relationship. He would try his best to do anything to keep it. And he left, remember, all this is his doing. Nothing you say or do will change how he feels, so you need to decide if you are willing to let him conduct the whole thing.

Me personally, would tell him my expectations, and if he couldn't or wouldn't accept them, he would be out, permanently, to allow me to move on and not live in some sort of limbo with him running the whole show.

Op, I have read so many posts by you now saying "this is my boundary, I won't let him cross it, I'm done" followed by you doing exactly that and trashing your own boundaries. First with moving in, now this.

"I'm not going to talk to him" followed by sitting by the phone for hours waiting for him to call you.

"I'm going to take control" followed by helplessly sitting waiting for him to decide the course of your life for you.

"If he would only say this, I'd be fine" - how many times? It's just another delaying tactic. There's nothing he could say that would make this all feel ok for you, so you need to take your own decisions.

If you carry on like this, you'll still be here in 18 years posting updates on his latest cruel games while you continue to allow yourself to dangle helplessly like a puppet.

That's what is making this so painful for you: the lack of control. So take it back.

I am sorry you're hurting, nobody deserves that. The more you drag this out, the more you run from making your own decisions, the more you deny reality, the longer and deeper you will hurt.

“This. 100% this. He wants you to get fed up and end it so he isn’t the bad guy leaving his pregnant girlfriend because he can’t cocklodge anymore.
Don’t give him the satisfaction of that. Simply block his number- then get yourself a new number. move ahead planning to have your baby with a solid support network of family and friends.
When he comes crawling, and he will, tell him your not going to wait around for him to choose you and your family over his single lifestyle.
I wouldn’t put him on the birth certificate tbh, you can add him on at a later date if he steps up but for now he doesn’t deserve any rights until he proves he is worthy of it. I wonder if he treated the mother of his other child this badly.”

This with bells on. You don’t need a telcon to tell him it’s over - he’s already ended things (or at least ended the relationship as you wanted it) but is keeping his options open for various screwed up, selfish reasons. He doesn’t want what you’re offering and he can’t give you what you need. So proceed on the assumption it is over. He’s a man-child who likes making babies but not sticking around for the baby’s mother. He lost the right to need space when he talked you into keeping the baby. It’s all bollocks. As PP have said, he probably wants to be a Disney dad doing all the fun bits of parenting, getting hot meals and sex from you and then going off again when he needs space. As you’ve said, OP, you cannot trust him. Ever. He never wanted the commitment. His behaviour told you that. His ego just fancied having another mini-me on the planet.

You are SO much better off without him. But in your shoes I wouldn’t have a specific call to tell him it’s over. It is over. He doesn’t want what you’re offering. If he did, he would be with you now. You know that. Block him and start planning a life without him as a partner. Hopefully your mum can help bag up his stuff and get it out of your line of sight.

Concentrate on yourself, your coming baby and your children.

Ok I get it that he wants me to end it so he isn't bad guy, I do see that now. So I won't tell him it's over I'll block him and start trying to move on, as hard as it really is. I'll still have to post here because I'm going to struggle and have wobbles where I'll just want to message him ect. In need all the help and support I can get

Post away OP. We're all here to support you

Keep posting here for support, OP. You’ve got this. It hurts like hell now but you’ll get through and your future self will thank you for moving on without him.

Keep strong girly. What he has done is not nice at all, whatever you want from this the best thing to do right now is absolute no contact with him, if he messages you asking how you are, dont reply...if he messages says he wants to speak to you, dont reply. If he calls you, do not pick up then a few minutes later send a message saying...Im ok, our unborn baby is ok, you asked for space, im giving it you. The time will allow myself time to think too.

And leave it at that, now he might be intrigued to what you have to think about too, and of course he will text to ask....dont reply.

No contact Will be tough, but its theee best way to get through this. Otherwise you’re just drip feeding yourself with his bullshit and stringing along and ultimately you wont move on.
Whether you want him back or not this is the best way forward, in a few weeks of no contact You WILL feel better and will be in a better place, for yourself and for your newborn.
Im sending you all my virtual love and thoughts. Look after yourself and the beautiful life inside you.

Keep posting. There’s a lot of support

@yulelogc

Ok I get it that he wants me to end it so he isn't bad guy, I do see that now. So I won't tell him it's over I'll block him and start trying to move on, as hard as it really is. I'll still have to post here because I'm going to struggle and have wobbles where I'll just want to message him ect. In need all the help and support I can get

Post away. You will get through this. Remember every time you miss him and wobble you and your children deserve so much SO MUCH better than this especially that little bub your growing

I would text him that it's over so that there is no way he's sat there thinking he's the one in control and making you suffer and worry if he's going to come back. Take control of the situation and tell him it's over then delete numbers etc. He's playing a power game. Don't let him.

As a woman who has brought up ds entirely on my own because his dad was a selfish twat, I can say it's infinitely easier than being in a shit relationship like I was with dds' dad. You can do this

I think I would send a text summarising how awful he’s been - you walked out on me when the night before you were gushing about our future . You have given no regard to the fact that stress is very bad for me and baby . Over the last two days you have given me mixed messages - asking for space and then continually texting me . I was shocked you would leave me hanging so long yesterday waiting for your call to find out what on earth was going on . You were too busy to call me any earlier than 9pm because you were ... in the pub. I don’t deserve this awful treatment , neither does my unborn baby or my dcs. Your recent behaviour has made me realise I don’t want you in my life or my baby’s life going forward . I hope this provides you with all the space you need

I wouldn’t care if he wanted me to end it or not . I would want to close the chapter . Perhaps it might even act as a wake up call . If you don’t show guys your worth and you won’t take bs then they will treat you as worthless. It might give him a lot of respect for you and a kick up the backside and if not and he doesn’t come back you’ve not wasted any more time and tears on him x

I bet he thinks he won’t have to pay to support his child too. You accepted his cocklodging behaviour so why not shit dad behaviour too?

I’d get strong and start surprising this arsehole.

What an arsehole. So sorry OP

I can't believe he's encouraged you to keep the baby and then dropped you both at 33 weeks! I'd be raging!

Anyway!!! It is what it is, there's no coming back from that, is there. You have your mum and friends, your children and another lovely baby on the way. These are blessings. You sound strongminded and you have your feet firmly on the ground and good on you. You'll do a much better job on your own than with this wimp and you're right, give him no satisfaction, do not dump him first and do not feel sorry for him.

I am raging for you here!

OP in the kindest way you need to give your head a wobble. You have allowed this man (who let's face it, is only a bf of one year) to throw you and your poor dc scraps, all along his actions showed that he wasn't committed to you, you then issued an ultimatum and he "needs space". Stop wasting time crying over him, your dc deserve better than this. You said your other dc's fathers did more or less the same, I would suggest the Freedom Programme when you feel a bit stronger

your other dc's fathers did more or less the same

Do you mean OP's exH? That isn't how I understood what she said at all.

And what kind of wobble, it's not her fault this world is full of immature arseholes running away from their responsibilities. Some disguise it very well, sadly. It's them and their parents that should be giving their heads a wobble, not the OP who is and has been the only responsible adult throughout.

Trust me after you cut contact and end it , he WILL be back begging you. Most guys like a challenge so if you're sat there waited for him, he doesn't need to do anything to get you back but if you act like you're fine without him, he's going to want to fight

Just keep reminding yourself that you're worth more than this and if he wanted you, he'd have you

cactusisblooming
OP in the kindest way you need to give your head a wobble. You have allowed this man...

I'm sure you meant your post in the nicest way possible, but it's victim blaming. OP hasn't allowed anything. Lets stop blaming a woman for the man's failings. He led her on. He played her. It's not her fault that she gave him the benefit of doubt.

Purple I thought in a previous thread OP said words to that effect, but I might be confusing threads.
Yes I do think the onus is on her to give her head a wobble, everyone told her from the outset this would happen, it was very obvious that he didn't want to commit but OP backed him into a corner. I feel for her dc to be honest, everything was so rushed and really they shouldn't have even met him when he was cocklodging half in/half out of their lives from very early on. OP should be prioritising their wellbeing, not crying over a loser. I say that in the nicest way, she needs the scales to fall from her eyes.

I do think you can repeat behaviours in relationships , you can attract and put up with poor behaviour and men . I think that is what @cactusisblooming is saying . Now is the time to not continue accepting bad behaviour anymore in this relationship or others going forward .

confused there are none as blind as those who don't want to see. Whilst I feel very sorry for OP it was blindingly obvious that he did not want to commit to OP, but she backed him into a corner in order to try to get him to commit. She has been a victim by choice to some extent, she was hanging on to the happy family illusion that he was verbally professing but not following through with his actions.

My eldests dad left me when I was 6 months pregnant, but he never wanted the baby, he told me straight he didn't want me either he would be there for the baby financially and emotionally but didn't want me. That was tough at the time but I got through it somehow, he's a good dad now had her regularly and pays fair maintenance and we co parent really well.
My 3 younger children's dad is a narcissist, he abused me for years and in the end I fell out of love with him and left him. He begged me back for months, actually years. Now he's still a nightmare and co parenting with him is near on impossible. I am definitely damaged by what he did to me, I've had a lot of support and counselling and also been to dv groups and courses. My kids have also had counselling.

It sounds pathetic but I believed this man, I thought he was it, I believed his promises. If that makes me weak then so be it but I can't turn back time now.

He did try ringing me earlier, left a message saying he wants to make sure I'm ok 🙄 and that he wants to meet face to face next week before he decides what he wants. I've not replied to that. I don't intend to, I'm going to concentrate on myself and my kids this weekend, My mums still here, and my friends have all offered to come round anytime if I need them, and I can post on here if I wobble which I will...

Before he decides what he wants 😡 that makes me fume for you ! What a complete twat . Big hugs op xxx

Personally OP I'd be replying saying that I will be in contact when I have decided what I want to do. He is very confident that you are sitting at home crying for him. Do not leave the ball in his court, take back some control.