Dating/sex - while Christian

[ZebraSpotts]

I'd like to get back out there, but basically can't reconcile the two. Any other practicing Christians have any advice.

I'm 33, been 'single' a few years which has been good for me and now doing formalities of divorce this new year.

Can't ever see myself getting married again (was a traumatic experience in almost every regard, DV for many years, stolen from, cheated on and worse, etc etc ) ,
so by Christian values relegates me to being forever single 😭
But Id like the companionship, attention, sex, care, thoughtfulness of a new partner, feel like I'm still young and could be a great gf/long term partner too.

Thoughts? Basically got to give up my Christian values or give on idea of dating, right?

Aren't there Christian dating websites you could try? Do you mean 'no sex before marriage' value wise?

Honestly as a christian myself I think that no matter what you believe and how strongly, there will always be aspects of your religion that you pick and choose from. I bet for example, you eat pork? (Assuming you aren't vegitarian).

I've always felt god would just want us to be true to ourselves and that if we think things through and do things as and when and IF they feel right for ourselves and others then that's what matters.

I don't think he would want you to be lonely.
But it matters what you believe about god and your personal relationship with him. Maybe pray on it :)

What are Christian values?

Im a practising Christian, never been married. Have 2 DC... I say dating (and sex) are both fine. Although personally I wouldn't want to have loads of sexual partners.

"I bet for example, you eat pork?"

Huh? Christians eat pork. It's Jews and Muslims that don't.

Well you know, not all Christians see the no sex before marriage bit as important

Look at christian dating sites.

@Catsneezies

"I bet for example, you eat pork?"

Huh? Christians eat pork. It's Jews and Muslims that don't.

There was a time where Christians did not eat pork because it was considered a dirty animal. But times have changed.

Why don’t you just do what feels right for you? Instead of trying to follow other people’s rules?
It’s normal and natural to want a partner, love, intimacy. You don’t have to live your whole life being lonely and miserable.

Of course Christians can date and have sex. I met second DH in church!

Pork thing is a red herring... read Paul for why.

But on the issue of sex before marriage, perhaps just wait and see. Many Christians do have happy second marriages after abuse. Right now that may feel impossible because it’s an imaginary person and scary. But if you are with someone loving and respectful and kind you may warm to the idea. Highly recommend professional counselling, have you had any? Also most Anglican clergy are being required to attend domestic abuse training now. So I think it is an area that churches are (finally) starting to become more aware of. Hope you can find peace and happiness OP. I’m so sorry your ex-husband treated you so badly and I’m glad you’re able to think about meeting someone new.

Different people have different boundaries and you do not need to express them here, but no reason why you can not date.

Yea that's an old testament rule, fullfilled in new testament, hence no need for Christians to adhere to it.....
.....but rules surrounding sex and marriage didn't change with new testament

@KirstenBlest

Look at christian dating sites.

So i can find someone to agree to a eternally sexless relationship 😅 because there's almost no-to-zero chance I'll marry again

I stopped practicing my faith when I realised my choice was to marry into the faith again (nooooo) or live a good life as I saw fit, with someone I loved and respected (eventually) and who treated me right, regardless. I couldn't reconcile the concept of a loving God that was cool with me living alone for the rest of my life.

I am much happier following my own path.

@Summerstorms

Well you know, not all Christians see the no sex before marriage bit as important

Guess, that's my question. How to they(you?) get tothat conclusion 🤔 Not something I can reconcile, yet lots do

Yes, the church do tend to be very rigid about the sex before marriage POV.

I'm Christian and live with my dp, my Vicar friend is lined up to marry us once we finalise our divorces (covid delays) at some point but he can't see the issue of living with someone you love so why should I! His take is that legal marriage was a way of controlling women rather than anything to do with religion, promising yourself to each other (and amicably separating if necessary) are just as Christian.

@Itsnotlikethiswithotherpeople

Pork thing is a red herring... read Paul for why.

But on the issue of sex before marriage, perhaps just wait and see. Many Christians do have happy second marriages after abuse. Right now that may feel impossible because it’s an imaginary person and scary. But if you are with someone loving and respectful and kind you may warm to the idea. Highly recommend professional counselling, have you had any? Also most Anglican clergy are being required to attend domestic abuse training now. So I think it is an area that churches are (finally) starting to become more aware of. Hope you can find peace and happiness OP. I’m so sorry your ex-husband treated you so badly and I’m glad you’re able to think about meeting someone new.

It's not scary or hard to imagine. It's just not really what I'd want, whilst I'm open to the future, I'm a lone parent with 3 kids (one with significant additional needs) and I don't particularly want or trust anyone around my children. I could wait another 13 years until the youngest is an adult and I'm 45 (and still relatively young) but that's a long single decade away. I'd just never introduce another male into my family home, resulting from romantic scenario.

But I'd be a great partner to someone who's similar, already established and doing well in life, has kids and doesn't want more, or has none not looking to assume a parental role of someone else. More about building a independent relationship with each other.

The whole sex vs religion kinda putting a dampener on it 😅

@woodhill

C of E is much more flexible these days. Two of our local vicars live together and aren't married!

I'm not religious, however as far as I understand, only god can decide whether you have a good heart etc, and even if you only have sex within marriage, there will be many other sins you commit, so I dont see why it would necessarily prohibit you from salvation. If you are having sex within a committed none married relationship then I dont think this is living your life in a horrible way, after all, common law marriages were not actually valid and William IV, the king before Victoria, was not married for 40 years before he became head of the Church of England.

‘The rules’ are proposed by powerful institutions: churches. It’s fine to ignore some of them and still attend, practice your faith etc!

.....And no I've not had counselling, but could probably access it through GP or DV charity. The priest at my church was a full time professional psychotherapist(?) I believe, before he retired, so could even approach him as a clergyman to discuss if i thought it beneficial.

But I'm not sure it's something I feel the need to talk through. I had a truly brilliant and well-trained police officer who helped me write up my statement and I think that helped plenty at the time.

[quote movingonup20]@woodhill

C of E is much more flexible these days. Two of our local vicars live together and aren't married![/quote]
Very progressive!

In any religion there are levels of observance and some people may have been brought up in a particular religion without being observant so what's right for one person may not be necessary for another. If it's a red line for you OP then that's fair enough. Problem is though that if a Christian dating site is not for you then it's a bit of a case of trying to square a circle. There's no point in someone who is not religious or not particularly observant telling you that sex outside of marriage is ok because obviously as a Christian, you will have a set of laws that you will adhere to.