Dating/sex - while Christian

[ZebraSpotts]

I'd like to get back out there, but basically can't reconcile the two. Any other practicing Christians have any advice.

I'm 33, been 'single' a few years which has been good for me and now doing formalities of divorce this new year.

Can't ever see myself getting married again (was a traumatic experience in almost every regard, DV for many years, stolen from, cheated on and worse, etc etc ) ,
so by Christian values relegates me to being forever single 😭
But Id like the companionship, attention, sex, care, thoughtfulness of a new partner, feel like I'm still young and could be a great gf/long term partner too.

Thoughts? Basically got to give up my Christian values or give on idea of dating, right?

OP I think this is more an issue of your personal beliefs than anything else as PPs have said many Christian denominations are accepting of sex outside marriage. It is down to your own conscience rather than anything else as there is no one clear Christian rule on this.

I have two Catholic friends who lived with partners and had children outside marriage, both still went to Mass and had their children baptised.

You're a Christian. Just cherry pick the bits you want to apply 🤙

Hope you can pray about it and find peace. Sometimes it’s easy to over-think and worry about the what-if. Be open to different things in the future - if there is a guy you are interested in, then maybe take it slow and at some point explain your beliefs and situation to them? Maybe then you can bounce ideas off your boyfriend, trusted friends, your priest on where to take things.

OP, this is the wrong site to ask about Christian values/dating as a lot of people on this forum won't be practicing Christians and therefore won't understand the importance of your choice to live by those values. Of course people with Christian values meet each other and get married etc. but you have to look in the right places.

Try Friends First, a Christian dating website. Somehow I am not able to download the App though.

Unfortunately it's very slim pickings on Christian dating sites/apps.....compared to tinder for example 😬
Tricky meeting people in-person these days too (because they're all on tinder lol, and.....obv Pandemic)

@MixMatch

OP, this is the wrong site to ask about Christian values/dating as a lot of people on this forum won't be practicing Christians and therefore won't understand the importance of your choice to live by those values. Of course people with Christian values meet each other and get married etc. but you have to look in the right places.

Possibly, but think the replies have been quite balanced. Alot of ppl who do get it. Often times have found MN demographic to have a lot of faith-filled posters. Obv very different answers than I'd get at the 'young people's 5pm service' tho lol. (No one really suggesting to abandon all faith, go wild and shake it about town 😅 yet)

OP, there's a bible reference of the explanation of Living Water, you have probably read it yourself. A Samaritan woman was asked for water by the Lord, and they had a conversation about Living Water. This woman had been married several times, and the man she was living with was not her husband, and the Lord knew all about her, but did not seem to judge her.

John 4: 4-25

As the previous vicar of our parish would say, “you are a Christian, not The Christian. Not all eyes cast judgement upon you, thus make your faith fit you. Not the other way round.”
Applies in many situations!

Hi Op, I’m not Christian but I am a woman of faith and we also adhere to no sex outside of marriage.

It’s no use people telling you that so many others do it so why not you etc...that doesn’t really fit the bill.

I would suggest a non-conventional marriage perhaps may be the answer? I know you’ve said no entirely to marriage - but I would argue it’s the relationship more than the legal/religious document that can hurt you.

So perhaps, in time, you could consider non-sexual dating (with similarly religious minded people) and if it gets serious enough get married but with pre-nupts in place (if you are concerned about assets/finances being taken from you) and an understanding from your partner that you won’t be living together full time.

I have friends who are religious, both in their second marriage, both with kids, both understand that their relationship is not ‘conventional’ as they live apart for some of the week due to their responsibilities and love together for the parts that suit them.

When I was first married we didn’t live together immediately. We saw each other at weekends and spoke daily. It was a lot of fun and no pressure.

@Whyismycatanasshat

As the previous vicar of our parish would say, “you are a Christian, not The Christian. Not all eyes cast judgement upon you, thus make your faith fit you. Not the other way round.” Applies in many situations!

To me though that is the opposite of taking up the cross and denying yourself which is what Jesus talks about but not easy at all

I start from the premise that God is love incarnate. That he loves each of us as a parent would love a child. And I cannot believe that a loving God wishes us to live alone, frustrated and miserable, if a loving and mutually respectful relationship is available.
Read the story of the Samaritan woman at the well, which a PP mentioned, OP. Jesus sounded mildly amused by her colourful sexual history, and certainly not judgmental of her.
Jesus’ only two direct commandments to us, His followers, are to love God and to love our neighbours as ourselves. If you treat a future partner with love and respect, I think you are fulfilling your obligations as a Christian just fine!

I may add that I played a small part in encouraging my own minister to come out as lesbian to her family and congregation- and I’m sure God thinks no less of her ministry as a result.
Christianity as a religion is founded on love - the loving sacrifice of Christ’s life, given for us. I don’t see God rejecting your future loving relationships as unacceptable, OP.
But don’t take my word for it. Talk to God yourself in prayer.

Are you a biblical literalist? I think taking everything in the bible literally is a recipe for disaster. You are over thinking this. Are you trying to put obstacles/ excuses in your own way? You've already said it's slim pickings on Christian dating sites so deal with actually finding a man first then worry about the sex before marriage problem.

I think you could find Christian dating to be a better bet than the other OLD options. From what I hear on mn OLD is soul destroying. Better to take up volunteering and being more involved in your church community and see where it takes you. You could meet someone that way.

Just get out there, be clear about your boundaries and see what ensues by way of companionship and friendship.

Thanks, its been food for thought.

Oddly even tho it's essentially the same (sex outside of marriage) I'd feel it was more excusable in a long term relationship, rather than lots of short term flings - but that's feeling/idea has got zero basis in anything other than societal/cultural notions.
So clearly need to think through a few ideas I hold on sex and relationships.

So I'd prob prefer not to date at all, than risk repeatedly overstepping my own boundaries.
Which perhaps leads me to think I'm actually not completely ready to actively pursue dates, if i dont have a strong enough resolve.
I'd be happy to commit the year ahead working on myself in that regard, feeling worthy of having those boundaries.

Had a browse around the apps again today, tinder, Christian mingle, christian dating.....all deleted again. Guess I'm happy enough solo and don't want it enough to put the work in that the apps/online dating requires. But open to the idea if something happened organically/offline.

Been useful talking it out a bit.

Awesome, thanks guys

I'm a practicing Christian too and also take 'no sex before marriage' seriously. I genuinely don't understand how some others interpret what the Bible says about fornication differently as it seems very clear to me

I think people who share the same values are certainly more difficult to find, but once you find them, I've found there's a basis for a much deeper and respectful relationship as you both approach it as a relationship of not just fun, but mutual self-sacrifice for the good of the other person, and an understanding you're both helping each other towards a much bigger goal.

I'll PM you a couple of sites I've come across

@ZenNudist

Are you a biblical literalist? I think taking everything in the bible literally is a recipe for disaster. You are over thinking this. Are you trying to put obstacles/ excuses in your own way? You've already said it's slim pickings on Christian dating sites so deal with actually finding a man first then worry about the sex before marriage problem.

I think you could find Christian dating to be a better bet than the other OLD options. From what I hear on mn OLD is soul destroying. Better to take up volunteering and being more involved in your church community and see where it takes you. You could meet someone that way.

Just get out there, be clear about your boundaries and see what ensues by way of companionship and friendship.

Not a literalist, no. I think finding a man first (with or without my past history to consider and be mindful of) without having established a clear idea of standards and boundaries would be the wrong way about it.

Plus I'm mindful around the safety of OLD or lack thereof, regarding men who prey on single parents to gain access to children, men who solely want sex, men who aren't actually single (like my own stbxh), men who send unsolicited dicpics and want to be reciprocated with nudes, somethings are fine if they are within your wants, but I do think it's wise to figure out where your line is, or you won't know if it's being crossed and it's better to do that without being on the spot and in the moment.
From what I hear on mn OLD is soul destroying like you said.

I was active in two church communities, but one is traditional (smaller numbers, mix of older congregation and few families), the other is much much larger but no I'd have no luck at the dawn service (15 ppl, none single), the family service (amazing crowd), the afternoon service (older teens and uni students predominantly).

Genuinely stand a better chance in the gym or supermarket rows lol (but then pretty unlikely to have shared Christian values or views on sex and dating, idk)

Young-ish but edging out, I'm good looking I reckon, financially independent, worked professionally, well-educated, relaxed, caring, open, approachable, interesting social life and fun hobbies. But no doubt all those positives, that gets squashed when you mentioned idea of not wanting to enter a sexual relationship while dating because of your Christian views (even amongst fellow Christians!)
What's a woman to do 🤷‍♀️ (stay single i guess lol)

@Rybvita

I'm a practicing Christian too and also take 'no sex before marriage' seriously. I genuinely don't understand how some others interpret what the Bible says about fornication differently as it seems very clear to me

I think people who share the same values are certainly more difficult to find, but once you find them, I've found there's a basis for a much deeper and respectful relationship as you both approach it as a relationship of not just fun, but mutual self-sacrifice for the good of the other person, and an understanding you're both helping each other towards a much bigger goal.

I'll PM you a couple of sites I've come across

Yes I think pp nailed it when they said, my Q is essentially trying to 'square a circle'. Guess that's okay, having talked it through here has been useful actually. I'll PM you a couple of sites I've come across Go on ;) lol

The men on Christian dating sites are just as bad as some of the men you meet on regular dating sites.

@FriedTomatoe

The men on Christian dating sites are just as bad as some of the men you meet on regular dating sites.

Ohhhh joy!

(I'm steadily sounding pearl-clutching lol)

@FriedTomatoe

The men on Christian dating sites are just as bad as some of the men you meet on regular dating sites.

I matched with some (on tinder) Who was 45 (so 12 years older, not more sensible) listed as author/yachtsman, attractive and well put together pics, nice boat lol.....first message was 'hey sexy', then 'how are you? Feeling naughty?'.....blocked in 2 messages lol

I'm not committed enough to pay for 'tinder gold' and view the '99+ people who have liked you' and no doubt there's just as bad men on every and all levels on every platform. I've read the bleak threads on MN regarding dating, esp online. Maybe that & my thoughts on sex just rules me out of the game before I've begun(?)

Sorry if I sound unnecessarily combative. Spending too much time on MN because its the holidays. If I were in your shoes I'd want someone to share my faith but agree its not the be all.

You're setting yourself up to break one of your principles. Either its no sex before marriage or no marriage at all. Either way you aren't getting married soon and you dont want sex outside of marriage so you might as well test the water.

I'm Catholic btw. I wouldn't judge you for having a sex life and I think God will be OK with it too. Just don't use people. I know my morals dont matter here so I won't go on.

@ Aplogies, I should have clarified a bit, I always took it as not to take the bible completely and utterly literally as she was big on faith in the every day, modern way.
I suspect the Church of Scotland diocese I live within found her a bit new-age Christian and she has since moved on to a more young and vibrant area. Their gain is very much our loss as once more I am the youngest attending at almost 40.

That should have said @woodhill, apologies...

Temporarily wearing a old pair of prescription glasses whilst mine are repaired is causing havoc!

I think in reality you might one day feel differently and may wish to re-marry but it is too soon for you. Once your divorce is finalized I suggest looking on Christian dating sites and being clear about what you want and what you don't.

Was just thinking more about your situation OP, and I thought that whilst we can all debate the ethics of sex, the bigger issue is that right now you can't picture a future for yourself where you are happy and fulfilled.

It's like you are having to choose between loneliness and compromising your beliefs/feelings.

But I was just reminded that a big part of the Christian story is God making a way when there was no way. Paths through the sea, victories out of defeat, life after death.

Your future might be unlike anything you can predict from where you are standing. Getting out of an abusive marriage is incredible. You've come through so much, you might not need to have the answers to what happens next.

As a fellow Christian I want to encourage you to focus on doing good and enjoying the good that today has to offer. Give yourself time to adjust and trust your tomorrows to God. He loves you and wants good for you.