Dating/sex - while Christian

[ZebraSpotts]

I'd like to get back out there, but basically can't reconcile the two. Any other practicing Christians have any advice.

I'm 33, been 'single' a few years which has been good for me and now doing formalities of divorce this new year.

Can't ever see myself getting married again (was a traumatic experience in almost every regard, DV for many years, stolen from, cheated on and worse, etc etc ) ,
so by Christian values relegates me to being forever single 😭
But Id like the companionship, attention, sex, care, thoughtfulness of a new partner, feel like I'm still young and could be a great gf/long term partner too.

Thoughts? Basically got to give up my Christian values or give on idea of dating, right?

All of my friends who are practicing Christians had sex before marriage. I really don't think many Christians obey that rule now.

Do you follow all the laws in Leviticus?

I think it’s really good that you’re thinking about this before the situation arises. Obviously the main thing would be to pray about it and see where the spirit takes you. Our God is a God of second chances and working in broken situations (almost always!)

There are lots of Christian books about divorce and remarriage, even if most of them are American. Maybe you could explore a bit about why you wouldn’t want to marry again? Marriage doesn’t have to mean the same thing as we have in western culture.

There is no reason I can see that you can’t have a marriage that is how you explain- not looking for a father for your kids but an independent relationship. You don’t have to live together, just be committed to each other.

I also know plenty of Christians who are happy to have sex outside marriage, the Bible really isn’t that clear on it. Many folk at our church are living with partners. However I personally would probably choose sex within a different sort of marriage over sex outside marriage.

Praying you find peace and joy as you move forwards.

I suppose it also depends on what kind if Christian you are. If you believe it is faith that gets you in to heaven, then really I dont think its necessarily an issue.

@woodhill

Yes, the church do tend to be very rigid about the sex before marriage POV.

This.

But just to explain to others it's not actually an institutional rule or an interpretation. Regardless of whatever individual dominations or individual priests think or interpret, it's not based on those (many traditions can be ignored if the origins are actually institutional or cultural, and actually have no basis in scripture) but where it's biblical and based in scripture it's tough to ignore if you're a practicing Christian

I don't think sex in a loving and committed relationship is up there on the sin scale.

I've always struggled with the sex before marriage issue and haven't adhered to it but some christians are very dogmatic about it

They tend to stick to the teaching of 1 Corinthians.

@Isitsixoclockalready

In any religion there are levels of observance and some people may have been brought up in a particular religion without being observant so what's right for one person may not be necessary for another. If it's a red line for you OP then that's fair enough. Problem is though that if a Christian dating site is not for you then it's a bit of a case of trying to square a circle. There's no point in someone who is not religious or not particularly observant telling you that sex outside of marriage is ok because obviously as a Christian, you will have a set of laws that you will adhere to.

Totally!

Guess that's it, can't 'square a circle'.
Pretty much sums it up

I’m an ex-Catholic and agnostic, but I do wish all churches would update their ethics and rules around sex. I do think there is a ‘Christian’ way to go about a sex life outside marriage, treating partners with respect and care, having standards and boundaries, communicating honestly and effectively. If you are committed to scripture though then it does mean what it says, you must be married. Everybody’s spiritual journey is different, so I do think it would be useful to speak to the priest you mention - he could have helpful insight or advice

What does God say to you? Not a book, that came through the filters and perceptions of fallible men, and translators. That book says more about men than it does about God. But your living God, the one you speak to and who speaks back to you. The one you have an experiential relationship with - what does he say?

He's not a peeping Tom - I think you'll find he's not really that bothered about who you have sex with. After all, if he didn't want people to do it, he wouldn't have made it feel so good - maybe ask him about that and see what he says.

So many Christians talk about their personal relationship with God, and yet so few actually seem to have one. Ask God what to do - without all the pleading and wheedling. Ask him like you'd ask your best friend or your Mum. Ask him like you'd ask someone who loves you unconditionally and wants the very best for you. Then listen to what he says. THAT is a personal relationship with God.

Thanks @peapotter and @wanderlusto
Always good advice to pray on it!

But I don't have the 'ego' to think I'd get an answer/reply exempting me from pretty clear rules on the subject .....which us possibly what I'm looking for 😂

It is a tricky one.

I would agree with those suggesting counselling- and finding a Christian councillor who you can discuss this with who will understand the importance to you of your faith may help.

It's very difficult when it's an abstract. Especially when you've had a bad experience- if you met someone specific, your feelings about marriage may change.

@ChristmasFluff

What does God say to you? Not a book, that came through the filters and perceptions of fallible men, and translators. That book says more about men than it does about God. But your living God, the one you speak to and who speaks back to you. The one you have an experiential relationship with - what does he say?

He's not a peeping Tom - I think you'll find he's not really that bothered about who you have sex with. After all, if he didn't want people to do it, he wouldn't have made it feel so good - maybe ask him about that and see what he says.

So many Christians talk about their personal relationship with God, and yet so few actually seem to have one. Ask God what to do - without all the pleading and wheedling. Ask him like you'd ask your best friend or your Mum. Ask him like you'd ask someone who loves you unconditionally and wants the very best for you. Then listen to what he says. THAT is a personal relationship with God.

Thanks for this, appreciated

I am a Christian but have never understood where the proscriptions on sex out of marriage come from. Where for example does it say anything about this in the bible? or more to the point the Gospels, which tell us of Christ's teaching? As ChristmasFluff has said above, if you have a personal relationship with God, ask him. I have lived in a loving relationship with DP for years and have no sense that I am "living in sin" whatsoever. Why would I?

I was able to marry in the church whislt pregnant so I wouldn,t worry too much. SAying that the only person I have had full sex with is my husband.

I googled it and Corinthians came up and Ephesians. It's not discussed in the gospel as far as I know

I'm a Christian, and at times I've really wanted to rationalise my way into thinking that the rules about sex outside of marriage are fine to ignore but in the end I couldn't persuade myself.

For me it came down to this. I believe in and committed to the person of Christ. I believe that he is the one to define right from wrong, I trust that he loves me and wants what is best for me.

Christ upholds the Bible as the word of God. When I read the Bible I feel connected to Christ. When I put the Bible into practice I feel good and I can see the benefits in my life eventually, even though sometimes it feels like God is making life more difficult.

The Bible is consistent that sex is for marriage only. I personally can't break that rule without knowing I am ignoring Christ.

I don't want to ignore Christ because he matters to me more than my own desires.

I'm glad that I've kept sex to only within marriage. Many people feel differently and I don't police anyone for it.

I think that you need to follow whatever course in life gives you a sense of peace.

@poshme if you met someone specific, your feelings about marriage may change

Yea that's kind of what's already happened.
Very happily single, plenty to keep me engaged and haply and busy in life, especially the three army of kids.
Couldn't even entertain the idea of ever wanting or looking for another relationship.
Tmi...Didn't bother renewing my LAC implant because genuinely never thought I'd have need to use it again 😅 and not having one active was also a detterant from letting unhealed wounds trick me into wanting to do anything with my awful husband, and him too as I reckoned he'd leave me alone rather than risk a 4th child.

Then met someone on very much a platonic basis, actually just a neighbor who was suddenly around locally due to lockdown. And that developed into a spark, that burnt out quite quickly on his side, possibly because we're looking for different things (me, not looking for a 'marriage & kids' ending)
But it's nice opened my mind/heart to future possibilities.
....however, also led anticipating this whole sex vs marriage vs Christianity vs 21st century dating conundrum 🤔

I’m a Christian and bible believing. I’m sorry you had a miserable and abusive relationship before. that’s not the type of marriage God intends us (anyone) to have. You need to find a man who will love you wholly and honour you and build you up again, I really hope you can find someone like that.

I do think it's not a bad thing to not be pressurised into sex which seems to be the norm in our society

@june2007

I was able to marry in the church whislt pregnant so I wouldn,t worry too much. SAying that the only person I have had full sex with is my husband.

Same! Was going go get wed before 1st DC was born, only ever had sex with now-husband/stbxh. Was actually priest who backed out, because in the pre-wedding chats it became apparent to him (not me, clearly) that I was being deceived. So few years later we eloped because he needed to sort immigration status 🤦 yea like i elluded to in OP, whole thing was a shit show in every regard.

But i was (on my side at least) in a loving, committed relationship to one person, who i always intended getting wed to, and being with one person only ever.

Guess I'm also not 18 and fuelled by hormones and impulsivity. 🙊
So trying to do better(?)

@CosyAcorn

thanks!
at times I've really wanted to rationalise my way into thinking that the rules about sex outside of marriage are fine to ignore ......yep!

My mum is a methodist minister she doesn't disapprove of same sex, non married, married or dating as long as there is love, trust and respect.

The Bible is guidance to a point and can be interpreted many different ways depending on which bit you wish to read/follow.

I don't think your breaking Christian values by dating it also depends on which denominations you follow to what they say as they all interpret it differently! Catholics shouldn't use birth control/safe sex many do!

My understanding is, if you take out the historical context stuff that’s outdated, Jesus taught that sex should be within a loving relationship. This isn’t because you’ll go to hell otherwise, but because human self worth can be damaged by meaningless sex whereas sharing such intimacy when in a loving relationship brings a level of fulfilment. I wouldn’t have sex on the first date but in a committed relationship I feel i can also be a Christian.

@Notmulan

I’m a Christian and bible believing. I’m sorry you had a miserable and abusive relationship before. that’s not the type of marriage God intends us (anyone) to have. You need to find a man who will love you wholly and honour you and build you up again, I really hope you can find someone like that.

Thanks!

My stbxh's adultery broke our marriage bond.
So I'm at the very least, free from that marriage and free to start again if I choose. Formalising our divorce is my 2021 goal, should be straightforward at this point.

You need to find a man who will love you wholly and honour you and build you up again
I've put in ALOT of work into building myself up, honouring myself and my potential, but yea would be nice if I found a relationship that complements this :)