DH in a sulk over Simon Cowell

[Wildthingsx]

This morning I wrote a comment on a post about Shag Marry Avoiding Simon Cowell, and my husband is now in a huge sulk that I have written I would shag Simon Cowell from the 90s. (I would avoid early 00s Cowell and marry current Cowell, for anyone who is interested....) my comments were jokey and in the spirit of the post.

I mentioned it to him as I thought my comment was amusing, clearly a joke (I wouldnt shag ANY Cowell!) and a few hundred people have ‘liked’ it for its silliness, but he has told me to stay away from him, that I am not a ‘nice wife’ for writing this on the internet and that if I think like that then he is ‘out’. He also threw a pillow at me as I walked out the room and is giving off those sulky negative vibes that make me feel I should avoid him.

This is not the first time something like this has happened - although I have never commented on Simon Cowell before 😅 nor do I take part in these types of posts usually! Infact I never compare men or make lewd comments. As he is insecure and I tread very carefully....

I know this isn’t an AIBU but am I?

Dont care if it's a pillow or what, he shouldn't be throwing things at you in anger. And over a jokey comment about Simon Cowell??? Wtf. I used to have a boyfriend like this,used to have to watch everything I said and god help me if I said the wrong thing. He wont change..these types of men never do.

@littlepeetree

Hi! Just a thought, You may want to ask for your post to be removed or name change, just so that people are unable to see your posting history on here, as you're in the public eye. :)

Ah, XH used to try the line "I was afraid of losing you". I told him on several occasions that the way he behaved was far more likely to drive me away. However, I don't think he actually knew any other way of relating to a partner. We also had the "little chats" and I'd think he was finally getting it, but no, he always slipped back. What brought things to a head was when he rang his sister to tell her we were getting divorced, which was news to me, but sounded like a jolly good idea now he came to mention it. Of course the next day he either didn't mean or hadn't even said anything of the sort, but it was too late. I'd seen the way out and nothing, but nothing, was going to keep me from taking it. One thing he should have realised after 25 years was that I can be mortal stubborn at times. But then, I do sometimes wonder if he ever saw the real me at all...

Your daughter might be settled at school, but her home life is FAR more important. You NEED to separate from your H, it'll be better for her as much as you. She will settle into a new school within walking distance of a new house. DON'T use that as an excuse to stay.

You might not feel it (I didn't at the time!) but you're very young, you deserve to have a happy life, not spend it walking in egg shells around him, he has a lot of issues that you cannot fix.

GO. Take DD. You'll solve any practical issues as they arise. DD deserves to be living apart from him too!

@WitchesBritchesPumpkinPants

Your daughter might be settled at school, but her home life is FAR more important. You NEED to separate from your H, it'll be better for her as much as you. She will settle into a new school within walking distance of a new house. DON'T use that as an excuse to stay.

You might not feel it (I didn't at the time!) but you're very young, you deserve to have a happy life, not spend it walking in egg shells around him, he has a lot of issues that you cannot fix.

GO. Take DD. You'll solve any practical issues as they arise. DD deserves to be living apart from him too!

I agree with this ^^

Children change schools all the time for many, many valid reasons. And removing a child from a home in which they see their mother abused is the most valid reason of all.

@MandB23

I know the post. I found it hilarious. I didn’t really consider it the way some pp’s have - as in being judgemental about Simon cowell. I think they may change their minds if they actually saw the post and the way it was done. Although I do see their point and if you reverse genders maybe it is a bit wrong. But that’s not the point here.

I’m an insecure person and I work hard at bettering this aspect of myself. My DH has given me reason to be insecure so that’s my excuse. But even with saying that - I wouldn’t feel threatened by a post like yours. It’s not threatening because it’s a joke and clearly you don’t want to marry or shag Simon cowell. Seems like a pride thing. But also from the other things you’ve said, it sounds like their are wider issues with his self esteem or potentially controlling nature? Commenting on how you dress is totally wrong and I imagine you’re second guessing your choices and actions and is that really fair?

This is what I don't get about these kinds of things...why would someone go online and tell the world they would have sex with someone...when they wouldn't actually want to have sex with that person?

So... I don’t know if anyone will even see this but I spoke with DH. Told him about this behaviour and how suffocating it is.

I finally told my mum who has seen this behaviour for herself. She was keen for me to do what’s right for me, even if that’s staying to work things out.

I feel so lost and confused. I spoke to close friend of ours and she said basically I’d be silly to throw everything away on a whim.

I have only just started processing things that happened years ago which if I wrote here would have everyone saying WHY HAVENT YOU LTB!!!

Why didn’t I?! When each incident happened it was like survival mode, and like pp have mentioned yes I grew up in an abusive and very very dysfunctional household. When my mum left I felt abandoned and I don’t want my dd to feel that way.

Anyway, I feel all over the place really. I have looked at houses to move into and have some money but don’t feel brave enough to ever actually do this :( it feels so impossible,

(I have found a house to rent in the town I work so my not driving wouldn’t be an issue straight away. I am as they say ‘getting my ducks in a row’ which makes me feel so deceitful and sad.)

I just thought I’d update and hopefully get some encouraging words or experiences as those have really helped. Thankyou

@Wildthingsx
It’s really hard.
You have to think what would make you happy?
I’ve seen people write on here recently - short term pain for long term joy. So get through the hard bit of leaving and settling somewhere new and then the good stuff can come. Peace and contentment hopefully. If that’s what you choose to do.
It seems from your post that you want to leave?

Tell him to grow up!

It's not a whim though is it, whatever your friend thinks? Just do it!

You never know how are you going to feel until you aren’t together anymore. I will say take some time and please do not take MN advise too seriously. Let’s say some people may have very negative bias towards men. I see often man trashed in posts here without considering there are two sides of the story. Some may be valid but is your life, your marriage and we are therapists here.

I mean we are not professional therapists here.

It's really good you've taken those first steps. It's not impossible for you to live alone with your daughter. Think of all the brain space you'll have once you're husband/partner isn't whispering toxicity into your ear daily. When you're no longer tolerating that you'll find you have the power to tolerate other stressful things instead, like the house move. Think of unpacking with nobody putting you down about your choices of where to put things or when to finish off or what daily routine to have. It's brilliant that you've found somewhere in the town you need and won't have to change jobs.

Your mum being on the fence about it could be because she's scared of saying the wrong thing or doesn't want to be seen to influence your decision. But she's said she'll support you no matter what you decide so that's positive. Your friend is right, except you're not throwing things away on a whim! It's over his long term behaviour, not about one row over a comment on the internet. Your friend isn't in your house seeing his behaviour over the long term. Your mum has seen his behaviour though, she said that. You're not imagining it. You can do this and be happier. Once you're free you'll start to shine again.

Sorry I did not realise there was abuse going on.

I hope everything goes well. You are very young and that is a huge advantage should you decide to separate for ever.

@JazzyGeoff

Tell him Simon wouldn't behave like that.

PMSL

Sorry I didn't realise how the thread changed.

I don't understand why your dd would feel abandoned, I couldn't work out whether you were planning on leaving with her or leaving her with her dad.

@AmberItsACertainty Thankyou for your reply

Yes I can definitely see that, he was away for a number of weeks over the summer and everything seemed so manageable - I was working, looking after our dd, doing all the house and garden work (of which there is LOTS) and passed an online course too.
Now he’s back I am struggling to get out of bed at the weekends, I feel exhausted all the time and like everything is tense and uncomfortable. I’d love to go out for our daily walk and enjoy the frost/snow but when he’s here I just can’t be arsed.

My mum definitely doesn’t want to influence me as we have argued in the past about this - I was actually sticking up for DH as he was upset that she thought he was controlling/aggressive. Now I realise actually that was exactly how he was being and while I agreed with mum I felt I was being disloyal to my dh.

There’s been many similar instances over the years like this.

I still feel guilty that he was the breadwinner for several years and now I am, I’m thinking of leaving. Meaning he will be on benefits/struggle to find work around our dd. I feel no better than the men on mumsnet that leave sahp in the lurch when they go :(

There is absolutely nothing wrong with looking after yourself. Putting yourself first isn't the same thing as being selfish. If someone is causing you harm, the correct thing to do is to get away from them. You have every right to take whatever steps you need to take to look after your mental and physical well-being.

Why would your partner struggle to find work around your DD? Are you going to move out and leave her with him? If she went with you the chances are he'd have every other weekend, like most non resident parents. Even if you didn't plan to take DD with you, I think you need to plan for her living with you in the future, because once she's experienced life in a non toxic household that's probably where she's going to want to be.

So what if he was the breadwinner for years? You would have been contributing in other ways and that also has a value.

You're not leaving him in the lurch.

First off if he wasn't a knob you wouldn't be leaving at all, you're only leaving because you can't take care of yourself whilst in his presence. That's not just 'oh we've fallen out of love'. He's literally making you ill.

(Although falling out of love would be a valid reason to leave in itself, however hard it would be for the person left behind. It's not shitty behaviour, it's living your own life how you need to live it, which everyone has the right to do).

Second, he's not a baby and you're not responsible for him or for sorting his life out. He's capable of sorting his own life out and he will, even if DD lives with him full time. Lots of people in the same situation and they all manage. And if he can't manage it still isn't your responsibility to fix things. If he eg needs antidepressants or help from social services with parenting skills, that's stuff he can access.

You're so caught up on feeling like you have to be his rock. You don't.

Regards your DD. You speak of abandoning her, but that's not what this is. Even if you leave without her. How you describe your life, you're not really 'there' anyway. If you don't have the energy to get out of bed then you don't have the energy to be truly 'present' for her either. Being her non resident parent and explaining that you had to leave the marriage and family home for your own well-being and so you can be a better parent to her, that's not abandonment. Staying in an abusive marriage where you're a shadow of who you could be and have little emotional energy to be a proper parent with, that's far more harmful to her development.

God you are right, I realise that.

I am planning to not be the resident parent only short term whilst I can’t drive. As dh doesn’t work it makes sense and would be less upheaval for her to stay in the home she’s always known, and to see me when I’m not working (the weekends)

Once I can drive I would be able to ferry her to and from school without having to give up my job. It’s just the logistics of the situation as to why I couldn’t take her now. I’d only take her if things were violent and she needed protecting to,

That said, before anyone jumps down my throat - it would be utterly devastating for me to not see her every single day but no currently I am not that present in her life because I’m stressed/work a lot/or spend the time not working cleaning so we have plates to eat off or clean clothes to wear.

I try but it’s not much and she deserves more. If I could I wouldn’t work and spend every hour with her but that’s just not realistic. :(

So you think you want to leave then?
Could you not stay whilst you sort you’re driving out? Get yourself all set and then find somewhere to live?
I don’t know, I just couldn’t cope leaving my kids.
Does your DH know how you feel?

I spoke to close friend of ours and she said basically I’d be silly to throw everything away on a whim.

Easy enough for her to say. This 'friend' doesn't have to live with the miserable bastard, does she?

Why didn’t I ?!

Listen, there are a millions reasons why one doesn't 'simply' jump ship at the first sign. Ignorance of what abuse is. Fear of one's life or livelihood. A sense of 'shame' or failure. A feeling of inertia. Some choose to stay for the finances/lifestyle.

At this point why you didn't leave isn't important. What's important is why you are not leaving now. So let go of yesterday, who 'won the bread', or any other guilt. Right now, you are not happy. Right now, you cannot breathe. Right now, your child is being affected. And right now, you can leave if you choose to. It will take some planning and 'ducks in a row'ing', but it can be done.

Don't let yourself be dragged down in regret of the past or fear of the future. Right now is all we have and you deserve to be happy, right now.

I've just come across this thread.

I didn't realise you were who I think you are?

Anyway I just wanted to comment on the non residency. How sure are you that he would just hand dd over to you to become the resident parent?
If you leave dd with him as the resident parent and God forbid, it went to court, that would bear a lot of weight.

@user86329
I’m not sure who you think I am?

To answer your questions - I am not sure, and yes it would that’s what I’m concerned about!