DH in a sulk over Simon Cowell

[Wildthingsx]

This morning I wrote a comment on a post about Shag Marry Avoiding Simon Cowell, and my husband is now in a huge sulk that I have written I would shag Simon Cowell from the 90s. (I would avoid early 00s Cowell and marry current Cowell, for anyone who is interested....) my comments were jokey and in the spirit of the post.

I mentioned it to him as I thought my comment was amusing, clearly a joke (I wouldnt shag ANY Cowell!) and a few hundred people have ‘liked’ it for its silliness, but he has told me to stay away from him, that I am not a ‘nice wife’ for writing this on the internet and that if I think like that then he is ‘out’. He also threw a pillow at me as I walked out the room and is giving off those sulky negative vibes that make me feel I should avoid him.

This is not the first time something like this has happened - although I have never commented on Simon Cowell before 😅 nor do I take part in these types of posts usually! Infact I never compare men or make lewd comments. As he is insecure and I tread very carefully....

I know this isn’t an AIBU but am I?

I wouldn’t like my husband doing a shag marry avoid on Facebook. It’s childish and cringeworthy

You need to learn to drive as an absolute priority.

Can you stay with family?
Have you options?

He does not sound like a nice man.

I feel very stuck, as he doesn’t have a job and I rely on him to take me to work and our child to school

And so, if he left you, you and your child would just sit at home for the rest of your lives? If not, what would you do?

I do need to learn to drive, this is a priority for me next year. I have looked at an intensive course but it’s expensive...

I don’t have any family to stay with, I have looked this afternoon at privately renting in the town I work in but feel it’s impossible, very scared about making movements to do this :(

I just feel scared in general actually. I know what everyone’s saying is true or has some truth in it. I think me finally making a post on here shows I don’t want to live in denial of this kind of behaviour anymore..... it happens often.
(Not that I regularly post S/M/A’s! But I gave the work clothes as an example of this kind of behaviour)

@Wildthingsx

I do need to learn to drive, this is a priority for me next year. I have looked at an intensive course but it’s expensive...

I don’t have any family to stay with, I have looked this afternoon at privately renting in the town I work in but feel it’s impossible, very scared about making movements to do this :(

I just feel scared in general actually. I know what everyone’s saying is true or has some truth in it. I think me finally making a post on here shows I don’t want to live in denial of this kind of behaviour anymore..... it happens often.
(Not that I regularly post S/M/A’s! But I gave the work clothes as an example of this kind of behaviour)

Take it slowly, just because you realised things are bad it doesn't mean you have to leave tomorrow.

1.look into driving lessons
2.contact women's aid
3.see a solicitor to find out your rights and position in a divorce

1. Do you have any real life support? Family,close friends,coworkers ? Talk to them and rally them around you.
2. Start planning and researching for different scenarios, moving away, benefits if you'd be entitled to them, moving DD's school etc.

Thank you- just the title alone made me howl with laughter

I just feel scared in general actually. I know what everyone’s saying is true or has some truth in it. I think me finally making a post on here shows I don’t want to live in denial of this kind of behaviour anymore

I feel like cheering when I read posts like that. You can get out, OP. You're not as trapped as you think you are. He's brainwashed you but not very well because you're clearly too strong to be brainwashed. If you're not sure how to proceed, speak to Women's Aid. They're there specifically for people in your position and will be able to talk you through all the options. In the nicest possible way, there is nothing special about your situation; they've supported a million women out of the same position, and know exactly what they're doing.

That's not to say there's nothing special about you, of course! You deserve to be with someone who respects you, and can recognise the special things about you - and I hope that you can recognise and respect them in yourself, too.

Thankyou everyone. I have a few days before I am back at work..... I think it’s time to make steps away from dh

I shouldn’t be nearly 30 and scared of being independent!

Ps, for those of you with amusing comments, I’m glad you have had a smile, that was my intention even though there is more serious things afoot! :)

@Eckhart Thankyou for this comment in particular. You are a very wonderful soul to give a stranger such kindness x

@DayBath

Reversing the roles Mumsnet would be pretty hard on a husband who engages in those sorts of social media posts. There's always a double standard for women on here. When women look at pics of celebs or make lewd jokes it's always 'just a bit of a laugh' and the man is always called insecure, but if the man is doing the looking then it's considered very disrespectful to his wife.

In short, Mumsnet is very inconsistent on this and probably a bad place to get advice on this sort of issue.

I'm sure there will be a handful of replies stating the opposite just to prove how progressive and different they are, but if you do that then you've missed the point of this post entirely. I'm talking about the collective hive mind response, we all know there will be individuals who differ here and there.

True. I do think it helps to flip things around for a different perspective, but I think the reason why men's sexuality is seen differently is because it comes with an element of danger, whereas women's sexuality isn't, because we're physically weaker and don't commit violent sexual offences as often as men.

You're very welcome, @Wildthingsx

You are a very wonderful soul to give such kindness x

I've slightly edited your comment, but this is how you should feel about your partner. Consider how you do feel, and compare the two. That will emphasise to you how poorly you're being treated.

I'm glad MN is able to help you feel supported.

I can see both sides
Op I am like you . Write jokey things and don't mean nothing by it but my partner wouldn't like it at all so I woundnt do it if I knew he could see because it would make him feel
Like shit . He's insecure too . But then on the other hand I wouldn't like him saying he would shag a celeb on slicks
Media either . I would just say your sorry and delete the thread then move on. Hel get over it x

@hocuspocus1922

I can see both sides Op I am like you . Write jokey things and don't mean nothing by it but my partner wouldn't like it at all so I woundnt do it if I knew he could see because it would make him feel Like shit . He's insecure too . But then on the other hand I wouldn't like him saying he would shag a celeb on slicks Media either . I would just say your sorry and delete the thread then move on. Hel get over it x

Did you miss the post where OP said her husband comment on real life women? Or that he threatened her to leave? Or that he threw a pillow at her? Or that he challenges her on what she's wearing to work? Or that he doesn't see the point in her learning to drive, keeping her and her daughter tied to his lifts?

You might be ok with modifying your behaviour to keep an insecure man happy, but it sounds like OP had enough of being controlled.

@hocuspocus1922

I would just say your sorry and delete the thread then move on. Hel get over it x

OP has stated that she is scared of him. RTFT. Your advice is damaging.

[quote Wildthingsx]@1forAll74

Honestly, I don’t know. I feel very stuck, as he doesn’t have a job and I rely on him to take me to work and our child to school.
If I leave I fear I will lose my daughter as I don’t drive (I recently said I want to learn next year but DH has pointed out this would be pointless and expensive. I said I wanted some freedom, he said Why?)
I can’t ferry her to and from school.

I was the SAHP until my dh lost his job during the first lockdown.[/quote]
More red flags. You're in a strong position. Firstly, there's this thing called public transport ;) . Second, how much food, gas, electric, water and spends does a grown man use up? I expect you can afford taxis if you ditch him. And you can learn to drive.

His unemployment is not your concern if you split. That's what universal credit is for, he'll have to claim. You won't lose your daughter if you split just because you can't drive. If needs be you move home to be closer to a school. But unless your closest school is 30 miles away or something I'm sure you'll manage.

Thankyou for your advice, I have to say that because there is conflicting opinions (many of which agree with him) it makes me unsure if I’m being gaslighted or if I am actually trying to find reasons to be the victim - does that make sense?

I feel like I’m not perfect and actually ‘did the thing’ ( wrote the post on social media that hurt his feelings) and I also didn’t apologise.

However he does behave like this over such small things that it’s hard to know whether I’m the cause or if he’s a dick.

Re: my daughter: she goes to the village school and is very settled there. If I move I’ll have to move to the nearest town and it wouldn’t be viable for me to drop her to and from school (particularly with my working hours) so what would this mean?would I only get to be a weekend parent ? :(

@Wildthingsx

Thankyou for your advice, I have to say that because there is conflicting opinions (many of which agree with him) it makes me unsure if I’m being gaslighted or if I am actually trying to find reasons to be the victim - does that make sense?

I feel like I’m not perfect and actually ‘did the thing’ ( wrote the post on social media that hurt his feelings) and I also didn’t apologise.

However he does behave like this over such small things that it’s hard to know whether I’m the cause or if he’s a dick.

Re: my daughter: she goes to the village school and is very settled there. If I move I’ll have to move to the nearest town and it wouldn’t be viable for me to drop her to and from school (particularly with my working hours) so what would this mean?would I only get to be a weekend parent ? :(

Don't doubt yourself please.

You said it yourself.. you're scared of him. That didn't happen out of the blue and it's not healthy,normal or something you have to put up with.

The problem is that you are invalidating yourself. What other people think doesn't matter. Conflicting opinions of strangers who only have a very brief idea of what's happening are not what you should be going on.

Have some thoughts about yourself. Are you a person who tends to look to be the victim? Are there other people in your life that make you feel this way? Would you want your child to feel this way in their adult relationships?

Ask yourself how you feel. Scared. Possibly being gaslighted ('gaslit?') Lied to. You walk on eggshells. You are careful. You feel trapped. You accept that you are in denial.

Do you want to feel this way for the rest of your life?

I would bet a lot of money that your emotions were not taken notice of when you were small. You had abusive parents, perhaps, or parents who didn't get on, or parents who were busy, or away. Am I miles off?

However he does behave like this over such small things that it’s hard to know whether I’m the cause or if he’s a dick

You CANNOT be the cause of another person's behaviour. You might do things that make him feel things, but he could equally say to you calmly 'I felt uncomfortable with that post you made about Simon Cowell.', which would have been a healthy response to his feelings. Would you be posting here, in that case, or telling him 'sorry'?

I’m sorry if I’ve missed it @Wildthingsx as I’ve steamed through the thread angry on your behalf, but why would you be the one who has to leave?

Presuming that you’re married, any divorce should take into account that you’re primary career and dc is still young- highly recommend seeing a SHL before doing anything else so you’ll have some idea what you’re entitled to.

Also maybe start squirrelling money away for driving lessons if you can.

And for PP who commented on Hugh Jackman, get off my fb

Not appropriate at all to be mentioning shagging other men, celebrities or not on the Internet for all to see. Not the way a married woman or man should behave imo.

Fucking hell I can't believe the amount of prudish women falling over themselves to prove that Mumsnet isn't biased. It's plain as day, if you read the whole thread, that OP's husband is a ridiculously jealous and insecure man, trying to control her dealings with the outside world. A light hearted addition to the comments section on someone else's IG account is not something that anyone's spouse has any right to censor in any way, let alone this OTT and abusive response.
Thankfully OP recognises this.

He seems controlling not insecure. He’s trying to control what you think, how you dress (telling you that you dress too sexy for work etc.). Throws things at you, it’s all a form of abuse.

I might be missing the point but do grown women actually do "snog, marry, avoid" posts on social media? I know I'll probably get told it's just fun but it really does surprise me that this is a done thing. It doesn't seem fun to me.

@Jen8789

I might be missing the point but do grown women actually do "snog, marry, avoid" posts on social media? I know I'll probably get told it's just fun but it really does surprise me that this is a done thing. It doesn't seem fun to me.

How wonderful though that we are all different and find various things fun.