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Original poster

New bf but he doesn’t find me sexually attractive

154 replies

Confusedashell12 · 28/12/2020 21:06

Both in mid / late 30s. I ended it because nearly 1 year into the relationship he says he doesn’t find me sexually attractive but absolutely adores and loves everything else about me. He was totally into me physically in the beginning, it was intense. It wasn’t put on. It was real. The sex was good. All his mates said he was punching with me. I am told by friends, colleagues etc that I’m very attractive physically, this isn’t me bragging. I’ll lose my looks eventually like everyone else, personality is so much more important. Just don’t understand what has gone on with him? He says he prefers toned and skinny women yet I am a size 10 with a perfectly fine body mass index. He doesn’t have muscles or a six pack Hmm I am careful about what I eat and I do some exercise but nothing too intense. So confused Confused

OP posts:
Tuey91 · 28/12/2020 22:14

So he wanted to stay in a relationship but, out the blue, didn't find you sexually attractive as you ain't 'toned' (in so many words) Just seems to me that he was trying to find any excuses possible to try and make you feel shit about yourself. Well done for walking away as it would have only got worst till you had no self esteem what so ever. Hate men like this x

Fuckingcrustybread · 28/12/2020 22:15

@Confusedashell12

To be honest Santaisironingwrappingpaper He has the smallest I’ve ever seen
🤣🤣 that's probably why he started on the I don't find you attractive shit. Loser.
Original poster
Confusedashell12 · 28/12/2020 22:15

SnowyOwlWan he seemed sad! But also said he felt relieved telling me Hmm if he found me so unattractive why instigate sex twice a day? So bizarre

OP posts:
SilverBirchWithout · 28/12/2020 22:16

@Newlydivorced2021

Id say hes either gaslighting to make you feel worse than him so you are grateful he is with you.

Or he is gay. I’ve been with a lad before who was able to pretend for the first few months but then couldnt continue to pretend and eventually came out.

I wondered this too. The only relationship I’ve had where he obviously had issues around sex and how I looked was with someone who came out a few years later. It battered my self-esteem for a several years afterwards until I realised it was not me but him. A very cruel experience.

In particular the comment about preferring toned and skinny women really leapt out at me. I doubt whether he can really admit to his own sexuality so someone who is more androgynous helps him hide this from himself. It also explains why the opinions of his mates on how attractive someone is important to him. He’s over compensating.

Original poster
Confusedashell12 · 28/12/2020 22:16

He was a virgin until his 30s so he would have used porn throughout his 20s funnyoldonion probably developed unrealistic expectations from that

OP posts:
Hanbam · 28/12/2020 22:16

@Confusedashell12

I think he’s being honest - he doesn’t find me sexually attractive, rather than negging me.
No, he’s a dick.
Smallgoon · 28/12/2020 22:16

@Confusedashell12

His first gf was absolutely gorgeous. She was overweight, possibly obese thought. An absolutely stunning face though - like a supermodel. He was engaged with her for a while but stopped having sex with her and they called off their engagement eventually.

I know, I shouldn’t have gone there with him, but I just assumed he’d grown up because his ex was from 10 years ago!

This doesn't quite make sense if he only goes for size 8's...
justasking111 · 28/12/2020 22:18

@category12

Seems like he has massive issues and probably sexual dysfunction that he blames on whatever woman he's with rather than looking at the actual cause.
This.....

men with a very small member have trouble achieving satisfaction because of this. Not his fault it is just what it is. But to turn it on you in this way is unforgivable.

Original poster
Confusedashell12 · 28/12/2020 22:18

Re the sexuality thing

SilverBirchWithout
Newlydivorced2021

His comment about how he can’t force himself to have sex with me was the most bizarre comment

Never once did I ask for, or instigate sex with him

It’s like he was forcing himself all along?

OP posts:
PrincessNutNutRoast · 28/12/2020 22:19

@Confusedashell12

SnowyOwlWan he seemed sad! But also said he felt relieved telling me Hmm if he found me so unattractive why instigate sex twice a day? So bizarre
Because he's a misogynistic negging prick! That's it!

I know you can't believe it's that simple, but it really, really is! He is not a mystery wrapped in an enigma, he's just your common garden variety misogynistic negging prick, and the more headspace and wondering and explanation you try to give it, the more it works for him!

He's a knob, that's all there is to it. The only thing worth thinking about is why you didn't see or realise it sooner, and how to avoid the next one of these chumps you come across because I'm sorry to say that they aren't rare.

Original poster
Confusedashell12 · 28/12/2020 22:20

It seems he can’t get size 8 women, so has to put up with us larger ladies and stops having sex Smallgoon Confused

OP posts:
MostTacticalNameChange · 28/12/2020 22:22

I have broken up with men I no longer find attractive but never have I ever told them that was the reason!

Something fixable like bad breath or hygiene, you could mention it but otherwise it is no way kind or constructive.

The only reason to detail that to someone is to hurt them or to try and manipulate them to change.

Absolutely zero reason to tell anyone you don't find them attractive (unless it's something fixable in a long term relationship and you phrase it with love and support).

WELL RID!

Original poster
Confusedashell12 · 28/12/2020 22:22

PrincessNutNutRoast absolutely awful that this type of man is out there. Not encountered it before. Usually men can’t wait to get you into bed and feel lucky to see your naked body! Will be on alert from now on.

OP posts:
PrincessNutNutRoast · 28/12/2020 22:26

@Confusedashell12

PrincessNutNutRoast absolutely awful that this type of man is out there. Not encountered it before. Usually men can’t wait to get you into bed and feel lucky to see your naked body! Will be on alert from now on.
I admit I was surprised to realise neggers were still around because I thought they were as 90s as Baby Spice pigtails and those awful red, yellow and brown stripey highlights, and about half as welcome nowadays. Must be the rise of online dating, I dunno, but they're back and they're as angry, misogynistic, entitled and absolutely pathetic as they were back then.

They WORK on getting you to doubt yourself and worry about it. The power is actually all yours. Cut, run, dump and give this pissant not another thought.

KILNAMATRA · 28/12/2020 22:28

I think you had hoped for a progressive loving relationship with this guy and you ve been let down badly. Crap. You might never understand what's going on in his head, There's a list, commitment phobia, self absorbed, whatever... just heal yourself and delete, as life is short and sure there's a nice fella out there with more testosterone and chemistry in his toe !

Ploughingthrough · 28/12/2020 22:32

Lucky escape there op. Not one single man worth dating would point out (or even notice) a 'lunch tummy'. He sounds like an enormous dick that you're well rid of. Remove thoughts of him from your life and move along, there are many many men who don't behave like this.

Oly4 · 28/12/2020 22:32

Gosh what a hideous man. You have had a lucky escape!
Don’t go back to him!

GarlicSoup · 28/12/2020 22:33

@TallTowerFan

He's a dick. I would put money on him seeing if you will dance to his tune , if you lose weight (You clearly have no need to by the way) then you're a keeper as he then gets to manipulate you for kicks for as long as he chooses.

Please stay away!

This

Stay away he’s a manipulator

firecracker69 · 28/12/2020 22:33

He sounds a vile, manipulative specimen. Clearly the issue is his own self esteem, which he's projecting into you - trying to drag you down to his shitty level. He's had a slim woman and a much larger one, both very attractive. So it's fuck all to do with your body size. How awful to say such things to you. What a cheeky entitled bastard suggesting he'll stay with you and it's not all about sex. Fuck him and his tic tac dick. The last thing he'll have been expecting is for you to end it. Good for you.

Candyfloss99 · 28/12/2020 22:34

@Confusedashell12

To be honest Santaisironingwrappingpaper He has the smallest I’ve ever seen
There's the answer to all your questions then.
SilverBirchWithout · 28/12/2020 22:36

The more you say the more I feel he may be gay, or an unusual sexual dysfunction.
Not losing his virginity until very late, previous relationships where sexual desire was a problem.
The man I had a relationship with who later came out - our relationship was very sexual initially. Very good I would say, I found him incredibly attractive sexually. But there was something I felt all the time about not being attractive enough for him, he was hyper-obsessive about looks and how I dressed. He ended up not being faithful, always on the look out for another conquest but also critical of women and looking for male peer approval all the time.
I look back now many years later - feeling very sorry for him despite how the relationship left me damaged for a while.

Powerplant · 28/12/2020 22:36

@Audreyseyebrows

He was intimidated by you and tried to make you feel worthless. Don’t let him!
^^This 100%. Don’t twist yourself up in knots thinking about his comments. You definitely did the right thing by getting rid.
LittlefairyMum · 28/12/2020 22:38

He sounds like my ex OP.

I ended it after 3/4 months. He was a narcissist.

It took me a while to see it, his mask slipped in hindsight.

Could yours be too?

Blacksheepcat · 28/12/2020 22:45

He may love you and everything about you and is trying hard to be with a woman but can’t find you sexually attractive as he’s gay? Just a thought...seen it loads of times...

Love51 · 28/12/2020 22:49

I'm thrown by the comment he made before the first time you shagged him, that he couldn't guarentee he would always find you sexually attractive. It is as if he planned this from the start.
It has been a while since I've had a first time with someone, but shouldn't he be trying to impress you a bit the first time, not insulting you? Possibly a conscious negger.