If you split up and it was your fault did you still take what you were ‘entitled’ to?

[Legoteacups]

For background - we’ve been married 17 years and together for 18, I’m 36 and dh is 46. Two dc, 10 and 5, I’ve been a sahm on and off, working part time now, but I’ve never put anything much in whereas dh earns over £100k and has various shares and properties and a pension worth a sizeable amount. He owns the house outright, I’m not on the deeds even though we bought it when we were together.
So basically I’ve not put anything of worth into the marriage and I’d be leaving with nothing, dh has a lot of savings etc too, I don’t have much of a pension even and haven’t been able to claim child benefit because of dh being a high earner. I’ve no access to any joint accounts. I have my own account for my salary but it’s only about £1k a month.
I have done everything - absolutely everything - for the children since they were born.

I am not happy. It isn’t dh’s fault, there’s nothing terrible, we aren’t arguing, I’m just very very unhappy. I’ve lost over two stone - now only 7.5stone at 5ft 7” I cant eat. It’s not a choice. I’m just really really unhappy and I feel guilty about how unhappy I am.
If I tell him I want to separate it doesn’t seem fair to take any money from him when he has earned it all and I’ve done nothing apart from laze around on and off since having the children.
If you instigated the split as the lower earner did you still take any money behind child maintenance? It seems very unfair, like stealing.

@Stay123

Why on earth would your ex husband give you maintenance if you didn’t have children?

In my home country you can get spousal maintenance. He earned way more than me and I had to move into rented as a result of our split.

I know what I am legally entitled to but the law seems very unfairly balanced in favour of the mother in this instance.

It really isn’t unfairly balanced. Thankfully the law takes into account the fact that both people need protecting and looking after after divorce, not just the person who has contributed more cash. In addition to the children needing a roof over their heads and food to eat etc, both parties are entitled to a similar standard of living after divorce, irrespective of who has worked for money and who has worked looking after the family.

I am divorced and the assets were more or less split down the middle - my three dc and I ending up in the family home. A few months later it transpires that one of the dcs’ cousins told them it was unfair that exh had done all the work, but I had ended up with the house.

So that kind of backward attitude does persist but though I was upset at the time, it means less than nothing to me now. Exh and I parted on extremely bad terms and I have no contact with him or his family.

But every day I wake up knowing that I am free and that I got out of my horrible marriage. It took a lot of courage and many years of being too scared to do it, but in the end I did it.

You have to look forward and plan how you will be able to look after yourself and your kids. This really really means not leaving with nothing. If you and your ex split things down the middle it sounds like you will both be fine.

Even if you had sat around doing nothing for years this would apply, and on the contrary you have worked very very hard.

(Divorced instigated by me I should add).

@Legoteacups

That is what she said. Weighted in woman’s favour, law, just how it is.

Your solicitor works for you, in your best interests. This one sounds like she isn't. Please consider that.

You also need a counsellor. Your self esteem's in the toilet.

You're not thinking about your best interests or, importantly, the children. Isn't it better for them to be mostly with a happy mother, their primary caregiver, in comfortable surroundings? Rather than either mostly with a man who hasn't cared for them practically, or with their primary caregiver in poverty? If he's a good man he will want them well cared for and comfortable too, which involves you being well cared for and comfortable. And them spending most of their time with you if that's what they are used to.

Actually there is nothing to say that the solicitor didn’t tell the OP it was weighted in her favour and what split she should go for.
Nothing says she said that was wrong

The other element comes from the OP who clearly needs some counselling and the freedom programme to escape the Fog of how useless her husband has made her feel

Are. You. Bonkers.

This makes my blood run cold. He’s done a good number on you hasn’t he.

The only reason he can earn so much money is because your at home with the kids and he’s not paying for childcare.

You are entitled to half of everything if not more. Please don’t be an idiot and accept that you don’t deserve it. He groomed you and has financially abused you.

If you are so concerned about taking his money in the event of a divorce then just bloody well stay with him! If you really believe he has given you the life of Riley since you married just because you were so incredibly fortunate to be a SAHM for some of those years then leave his cash all to him and have a future with nothing.
If you feel that guilty about leaving him then maybe think carefully about why you want to leave. If you intend to leave to live with another man then think again.

I’m just really unhappy. I don’t feel I am the same person I was when I got married. I don’t feel heard. I feel like I am not equal and I don’t like it, I feel as though I have to run everything by him because he’s in charge. I feel stifled and lost.
But none of those are very good reasons.

What makes you think they are not good reasons???

Honestly OP... you don’t need to be battered by a man to consider yourself to be in a bad relationship, abuse takes many forms from control to jealousy not just physical violence, but even if there is no abuse being unhappy is a good enough reason to leave.

Pick yourself up from the doormat and be prepared to fight your corner, for the sake of keeping in contact with your children.

You may have been convinced through years of playing second fiddle that you don’t deserve more but you need to get out of that victim mentality, please contact WomensAid or any organisation that helps women moving from abusive relationships where they have lost their confidence due to having to always do as the husband said.

Well I think those are very good reasons. I think you should see a solicitor to find out what you might be entitled to, and then work from there to decide for yourself how much you need/feel comfortable taking. It's all very well for people to tell you to take him to the cleaners, but you have to live with yourself, and you sound like a really decent person. Just remember that you must have enough for yourself and your children - don't wear the proverbial financial hair shirt just because you feel guilty for initiating the break up (been there, done that, wish I hadn't in hindsight, but feel cross with ex for allowing it because had the tables been turned, I would still have made sure things were fair).

See if you can get one of those free half hours with a solicitor.

How are you finding your legal advice? Is it possible that he has sent you to his solicitor to establish your legal position.

I hope you find the help you need

https://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

I feel like I am not equal and I don’t like it,

But you are willing to walk out of your marriage with nothing?

because he’s in charge.

But you are willing to walk out of your marriage with nothing?

I’m not an equal member though. If I had access to joint money it would be different maybe but I don’t.

But you are willing to walk out of your marriage with nothing?

OP, do you have any good friends in real life? You need to talk to an adult who is not your husband and not your alleged solicitor.

Something is very wrong in your thinking. Can you see that? You are wanting to hurt and punish yourself because you are hurting inside so bad already. It is like cutting/harming yourself - you are feeling compelled because so much pain needs to be released.

OP sounds like you need to work on your self esteem. Imagine if you passed away what a huge loss that would be to your children and your DH. You have huge value to your family.
Take what you need. You’re entitled to have your needs met, housing, income etc. Maybe look for work or re training for the future

You have no access to funds and worry about the boiler when he’s away when he’s earning plus 100 grand. That’s ridiculous and not a marriage. You have been badly financially abused and you are mentally unwell. You’re thinking is not right. There are laws about marital assets for this very reason. You need help. You need a solicitor and a therapist. You need weekly intensive therapy. For at least a year. Find somebody who deals with divorce, abuse, PTSD and self esteem. You are married. You are primary carer. You have legal rights to at least 59% of EVERYTHING including pension. Who is going to look after the kids after you split? Him? No. So how on earth do you propose to keep the kids standard of living going? Do you realise what a judge in court does? The first thing he/she does in a divorce? They consider the BEST INTEREST OF THE CHILD. That is the LAW. Do you think it’s in your children’s best interest for you to be penniless and living like a tramp? If you do, you need to check yourself into a psychiatric hospital tonight. You have lost the plot.
You divide up the marital assets as advised by a solicitor and you stop playing the martyr. You are hugely damaging your kids view of the world, marriage and their parents if you carry on in this manner.

That should say 50% not 59%

@Legoteacups Im intending to tell DH this year that our marriage is over. Our relationship is toxic, he has at times been emotionally abusive. We have 3 kids and I haven't worked in a long time. I feel guilty at the idea of taking a share of money he's earned, I feel guilty that he won't get to see his kids everyday. But then neither will I. I will do what is best for my kids no matter what. They need a secure home, they need to not grow up like I did watching every penny. They need to be with me more, because Ive always been very much the primary carer. DH loves them but he's not that involved, he forgets important details of their lives, he doesn't know what they need.

Your DH has been abusive too, at least financially and I expect given how you think of yourself emotionally too. I feel worthless, because of how DH has treated me so I get that. Focus on your children what is right for them. But our children shouldn't be the ones to pay for our marriage breakdown. You need to secure your kids future, no matter what. And that means you need to take what you're entitled to and you need to have custody at least 50/50. It is not just your fault for wanting to divorce. If your DH really didn't want this he could have stopped treating you in a way that crushes your self esteem, he could have not abused you financially. Like my DH it was in his power to fix this.

You need to see someone for counselling and you need to focus not on what you think is fair to him, but on what your children need. It would be very unfair to your children to not have the standard of life they can because you feel thats unfair to their father. And it would potentially be very damaging for them for their mother to let him have the greater share custody as you seem to be saying in some of your posts. It's not about what's fair to your DH or you. Your divorce, sharing of assets, sharing of time with kids, it should all be focused on what is best for your children. They need their mother, they need to be financially secure with you. Your DH may remarry and they may lose out financially from that, especially if he has more kids. You need to protect their future. And you need to protect them. You can’t rely on him to do this. You need to put your DC first.

But none of those are very good reasons

Would you say this to your child in the same situation?

You are broken.

He broke you.

You’ve just realized.

Get smart. Get out.

Take what you're entitled to. His earning potential is huge. Yours isn't. He wouldn't have been able to have kids without you picking up the slack. You can't put a price on that.
You'll need somewhere decent to live for your kids and to be able to clothe and feed them etc while you get sorted. So take it for them.

It’s not “his” money. It’s “our” money.

It’s hard to feel it’s ours when I’ve had no access or say in it though and nor have I earned any of it.
It’s his.
It’s unbalanced because I have nothing which makes it harder for me to leave but he has worked hard for it to be fair.

I have to comment here , I like you wondered at woman walking away with half a husbands pension etc etc

So this is the actual deal had you become a stay at home mum taking on the role of mother, cleaner and housekeeper cook etc and enabled your husbands career and provision had been made for your savings and your pension most importantly your pension you may have a point. I am not married and have recently realised my partner has a fabulous pension and a high earning job and no I would have never earned as much but he definitely could not have had a family and do the job he does. So now I know why half the pension is awarded to mothers in the main. Because had your pension been paid into the they would be equal the same. Work out if it makes you feel better his half of a housekeeper and nanny and then wonder no more. You don’t need to take him to the cleaners but you certainly deserve a share.

@Legoteacups

It’s hard to feel it’s ours when I’ve had no access or say in it though and nor have I earned any of it. It’s his. It’s unbalanced because I have nothing which makes it harder for me to leave but he has worked hard for it to be fair.

The financial abuse you have been subjected to is more than reason enough to divorce.

Setting aside the fact that your husband has never treated you as family, in pure monetary terms you have saved / made him hundreds of thousands of pounds by being a. the unpaid live in “nanny” and b. allowing him to progress his career and have children.

Why do you think so little of yourself?

In my experience (though my divorce was not amicable) you have to make the shift from considering your partner to turning them into a stranger that you will soon have nothing to do with. From that position you absolutely have to look after and if necessary fight tooth and nail for yourself and your kids, and get what you are entitled to.

I would also make all preparations in secret so that once your husband is aware that you are divorcing him (sorry I am not sure if you have told him but I think you haven’t), you know exactly where you stand in terms of your aims, and can’t be swayed by the manipulation that might come your way

All divorces are different, and many are also amicable. But in all cases each party has to look after their own interests (with the help of the people around them - friends, family, solicitor).

Find your anger. I found mine and it carried me through and gave me the strength for my divorce.