If you split up and it was your fault did you still take what you were ‘entitled’ to?

[Legoteacups]

For background - we’ve been married 17 years and together for 18, I’m 36 and dh is 46. Two dc, 10 and 5, I’ve been a sahm on and off, working part time now, but I’ve never put anything much in whereas dh earns over £100k and has various shares and properties and a pension worth a sizeable amount. He owns the house outright, I’m not on the deeds even though we bought it when we were together.
So basically I’ve not put anything of worth into the marriage and I’d be leaving with nothing, dh has a lot of savings etc too, I don’t have much of a pension even and haven’t been able to claim child benefit because of dh being a high earner. I’ve no access to any joint accounts. I have my own account for my salary but it’s only about £1k a month.
I have done everything - absolutely everything - for the children since they were born.

I am not happy. It isn’t dh’s fault, there’s nothing terrible, we aren’t arguing, I’m just very very unhappy. I’ve lost over two stone - now only 7.5stone at 5ft 7” I cant eat. It’s not a choice. I’m just really really unhappy and I feel guilty about how unhappy I am.
If I tell him I want to separate it doesn’t seem fair to take any money from him when he has earned it all and I’ve done nothing apart from laze around on and off since having the children.
If you instigated the split as the lower earner did you still take any money behind child maintenance? It seems very unfair, like stealing.

Taking you aside (because you do deserve 1/2 at least) think of your children - they need you to take your share so they can have an equal life for both

And it isnt all your fault - I think you are trapped in an emotionally and financially abusive marriage. You arent an equal member because of how HE is treating you not because you arent.

He has been stealing from you for years (and the age gap here doesnt surprise me either) and has engineered this.

Get legal advice and start making a life for yourself

Why arent you on the deeds - that is a huge red flag for me as well

If you will still be doing everything for the children, you need somewhere to live and enough money to live on.

However, it sounds as though you might be depressed; perhaps that needs addressing first.

@Legoteacups

No, but he earns it. I don’t think it’s financially abusive that he has his own account and most of the money.

That I think is the voice of an 18 year old groomed into believign that to be true by a man older than her.

He is so incredibly abusive OP you can tell from everything you write.

@Thingsdogetbetter

Is this reverse?!!

I thought this too. It's extremely unusual for a SAHM to think she has been lazing around doing nothing with two DC, a house to run and all life admin for 4 people, as well as a part-time job!

Definitely a reverse

He didn’t want me to be. He said it was better I wasn’t, I’m not sure of the reasons now because it’s been a long time.
I think he is unlikely to want to give me any money so I can see I will probably back down on everything.

No it isn’t a reverse.

Is this a reverse?

From what you’ve posted thus far, it sounds like you’re in a financially abusive relationship.

In the unlikely event this is true, I’d suggest working on your self esteem to realise and understand the fact you have contributed hugely. After all, your DH could have hired nannies to continue his career but with his overnight trips etc, he would have been spending a significant amount of his salary on paying them. Instead you contributed to the household by being a SAHP.

I think you need to get some advice before attempting to make and decisions.

SaHM have value, cook, clean, child care etc when I looked into going back to work the childcare alone was £36,000 a year, who’s going to pay for childcare when you’re at work? Who’s going to buy clothes and shoes for them? Who’s going to cook and clean?

Don’t be daft, take your share of what you’ve built together

If this is real it’s one of the saddest threads I’ve ever read OP. Where is your gumption? This is no example to set your DCs. You have a responsibility to provide them a safe home, keep them warm and clothed and fed. You can’t do that on this air. Get your self a lawyer and a decent counsellor and pull yourself together, this isn’t just about you it’s about your kids.

Okay... you may feel guilty by breaking the marriage BUT fighting for a fair share is not for your benefit but for your children’s.

How are they going to spend time with you if you are living in a bed sit?
Who is going to pay for all the extra curricular activities and uniforms? Who is going to keep the standard of living for them considering you have been at home for years? Do you know that child maintenance is only 20% of the non resident parent income reduced pro rata depending on the nights they spend at each home?

There, that’s why you take half (or even more if he earning considerably more). The asset split is to benefit the children by giving the parents a fair start as a separated family. So wisen up and don’t screw your children’s future out of guilt.

Well, you can be a martyr if you like. You are the only person who will suffer.

Or you can do what most here would do and tell your solicitor to get you a fair deal.

I think it sounds like a reverse because the OP is repeating what her husband has been telling her for years.

Agree with this

Quartz2208 That I think is the voice of an 18 year old groomed into believign that to be true by a man older than her.

He is so incredibly abusive OP you can tell from everything you write.

OP, this might sound like a funny response but I think you should perhaps see someone to talk before you make decisions. You are putting yourself down a lot and it seems to me there’s some anger there (apologies if that’s wrong) so I think a bit of headspace and analysis would be useful. Sounds like you can afford a short course of counselling sessions?

Beyond this, it’s fair enough to say that being a longish term SAHM gave you a less busy/stressful/hard life than someone who was a working mother, but it certainly doesn’t make it nothing - it was a job that needed to be done, and it has value. Live in nannies and housekeepers are v expensive.

In addition, presumably this is something you and your DP both chose, perhaps because you both felt you didn’t need the money, and having one of you focused on the home made life easier for you both and benefitted your kids.

Anyway, you were in a partnership and you both went along with the way it was organised. So if you decide to separate you need to make sure you have a good enough financial deal to make up for your years of not doing paid work, it won’t do you, your kids, or society any good to make you penniless.

If you feel like you should get back to work you will do this best with a stable financial base. And believe me, many of my mum’s friends didn’t fight for money when they divorced (it was much harder then), now they are penniless in their 70s and they bitterly regret it.

If I were you the first thing I would do Is sort out some counselling to figure out what’s going on. And then if you do want to go ahead and separate, get legal advice. In which case, please don’t financially disable yourself for the future. You have a lot to give.

So he met you when you were a teenager and he was 10 years older.
Wouldn’t put you on the deeds to the house.
Is financially abusive.
You’re depressed and underweight.

You need to get yourself and your children out of there.

How is this your fault? Please get legal advice and find out what constitutes a party being "at-fault" in a divorce. All you're guilty of is having low self-esteem and that's not a crime!
Hope you get a good solicitor. If you are hoping to keep the kids most of the time, think of your half as being money you can spend on taking care of the kids, like giving them a nice home etc.

If you have looked after the children since they were born, maybe you should work out what 10 years of childcare would have cost and put yourself down as having 'earned' that if you need a monetary value of your worth

You have undoubtedly been a great mum and have offered your children something no outside childcare could- and you'll see that as they grow older and start their own lives and careers.

Please don't sell yourself short- just because it's not a paid job!

When I left I felt the same kind of guilt. I now think that part of those feeling were due to my low self esteem, brought about by years of playing second fiddle...

I didn't want dc to be more disrupted than necessary so I didn't want exh to have to sell the house. In the short term we both paid enough so I could rent a place that was suitable for dc to stay (50/50 shared care) - enough rooms, close enough to schools and friends. In the longer term, as we sorted out finances and moved towards divorce, I signed over my share of the house to him, and in exchange I took the savings, which were used as a deposit on a new home for me. By then I had a good enough job to afford the mortgage.

We were lucky that we had savings to make that possible, and that his salary easily covered the mortgage and him building up a new savings pot an a second home. Overall I came out of the relationship with much less than I might have been legally entitled to (e.g. didn't go after his pension or share of equity in the house) but I did make sure I could afford to provide a home and a life for me and dc.

OP, if your salary is low you need cash in the short term to secure a place that is suitable for your dc. That's not 'stealing' it's you and your husband jointly providing security and stability for your dc.

OP, I just read your later posts also.

It’s not usual not to have access to money. Marriage is a partnership.

It seems clear your DP has been undermining you. It also seems to me (again, apologies if wrong) that you are angry but turning this anger in on yourself, because you are used to being belittled.

As previous, if I were you I would seek some counselling as well as legal advice, to sort your thoughts out.

Has everything always been about what he wants OP?

This is about getting the right balance for your children. Do you have family support

And the Freedom Programme and proper legal advice.

You are in a very abusive relationship OP seek help

OP - you have 2 children who will need to have their lifestyle maintained. They will need somewhere to stay when they are with you. They will need nice holidays, clothes etc - everything they have now.

You will not be able to do this on on your salary alone.

It is fair that he would be expected to contribute - espeically as he expected you to remain as a SAHM during your time together. You are also entitled to a share of his pension - how else will you live in retirement having given up your ability to earn and pay into a pension for so many years.

Stop being a martyr and roll forward the clock 40 years. Do you want to have given up your earning potential and divorce funds to live in a rented property, on basic state pension scraping by?

You are not taking him for a ride - you are coming out of the marriage as you would have done if you'd worked the entire time - oh, actually, you did work the entire time looking after the children and keeping house. This stuff would have cost nursery fees, cleaners etc.

So, go and speak to a proper divorce lawyer and stop the pity party, -or you will find he has moved another woman in within 12 months and they are living the life you should have had but did not want to rock the boat for as you did not think you were worth it. And you and your children will be going without when with you as you did not stand up and ask for what you are actually entitled to.

That I think is the voice of an 18 year old groomed into believign that to be true by a man older than her.

He is so incredibly abusive OP you can tell from everything you write.

My thoughts too.

haven’t been able to claim child benefit because of dh being a high earner.

OP please say you've still been claiming it and having it deducted from his salary? Otherwise you've not been earning your right to a state pension while a stap.