If you split up and it was your fault did you still take what you were ‘entitled’ to?

[Legoteacups]

For background - we’ve been married 17 years and together for 18, I’m 36 and dh is 46. Two dc, 10 and 5, I’ve been a sahm on and off, working part time now, but I’ve never put anything much in whereas dh earns over £100k and has various shares and properties and a pension worth a sizeable amount. He owns the house outright, I’m not on the deeds even though we bought it when we were together.
So basically I’ve not put anything of worth into the marriage and I’d be leaving with nothing, dh has a lot of savings etc too, I don’t have much of a pension even and haven’t been able to claim child benefit because of dh being a high earner. I’ve no access to any joint accounts. I have my own account for my salary but it’s only about £1k a month.
I have done everything - absolutely everything - for the children since they were born.

I am not happy. It isn’t dh’s fault, there’s nothing terrible, we aren’t arguing, I’m just very very unhappy. I’ve lost over two stone - now only 7.5stone at 5ft 7” I cant eat. It’s not a choice. I’m just really really unhappy and I feel guilty about how unhappy I am.
If I tell him I want to separate it doesn’t seem fair to take any money from him when he has earned it all and I’ve done nothing apart from laze around on and off since having the children.
If you instigated the split as the lower earner did you still take any money behind child maintenance? It seems very unfair, like stealing.

I have done everything - absolutely everything - for the children since they were born.

Who the fuck gave you the idea that this constitutes "lazing around" and was "worthless"?

No wonder you're so miserable if that's how you view yourself.

In the real world it’s worth nothing and anyone could have done it. I’ve not contributed as dh has and I’m left with fewer freedoms and choices because of that.

I’ve done nothing apart from laze around on and off since having the children.

Before bothering to go through the divorce process, it might be worth doing some thinking about how having a wife to do the parenting has facilitated your DH's earning power. Did he have to get to grips with food and laundry the way a single person does? How often did he need to leave work because an emergency had arisen in childcare arrangements? Who took DC to doctor and dentist appointments in the working day?

Give your head a wobble , OP.

Well yes, it has. But most of my friends have managed careers and having children. It’s pretty lazy and privileged to be able to stay home with them.

I can't believe you think you have put nothing into the marriage !! Sounds like you have invested hugely into this marriage , more than any financial contribution. You made a family , that is price less. I was a Sahm for years giving up my own career. My ex also owned the house from before we married and was a high earner. He was able to put in long hours because I enabled him to do so by caring for the family. My input was not financial , but far more valuable than that. He was unfaithful , we divorced and yes I got the house he worked so hard for and a percentage of his pension. I feel no guilt , I need to keep a roof over my children's' heads and I invested my all into that marriage. I deserve it , most importantly my children do . I work but I will never be a high earner as I gave up my prime years to happily care for my family . What's the alternative ? Being penniless ??

My ex did. Even half the bedding. Anything he could, to make me and his four year old daughter uncomfortable.

Long time ago and he's dead now. But I remember.

OP, see a solicitor and wise-up.

You should take everything you're entitled to

If for some reason you feel bad about that (and you shouldn't!!) remind yourself that it's best for the children. I assume you would have them the majority of the time, do you want them living in an awful flat with no money because you 'felt bad' about taking what the law says is yours?

@Legoteacups

In the real world it’s worth nothing and anyone could have done it. I’ve not contributed as dh has and I’m left with fewer freedoms and choices because of that.

Anyone didn’t do it though. Your DH didn’t do it. You did it.

A 24/7 nanny (well, it would be split into two roles) would also be earning £100k a year. And that’s without housekeeping.

But crunchiebabe he was at fault. This is my fault, it’s me that is unhappy. Dh wont want to split.
It feels morally wrong to take money from him as well, like a extra kick in the teeth. None of it is mine.

Is this reverse?!!

How old are the children?

@Legoteacups

But crunchiebabe he was at fault. This is my fault, it’s me that is unhappy. Dh wont want to split. It feels morally wrong to take money from him as well, like a extra kick in the teeth. None of it is mine.

Don’t be a martyr - no one is going to make you happy except you. You have to provide for your children.

It doesn't matter whose fault it is. It's your right , by law. You and your happiness matter. Life is too short. No one wants to divorce especially when there are children are involved , but sometimes there is no alternative .

@sonicbook

How old are the children?

It’s in the second line of the op

Oh lovely, don't underplay your worth. Go see a solicitor

@Thingsdogetbetter

Is this reverse?!!

That's the first thing I thought!

I know what I am legally entitled to but the law seems very unfairly balanced in favour of the mother in this instance.

@Legoteacups

I know what I am legally entitled to but the law seems very unfairly balanced in favour of the mother in this instance.

Uh huh.

Op you sound as if you are more than unhappy. You are very underweight, have lost your appetite and are talking about yourself in negative terms. I am not saying that you don't need to end your relationship but I would advise some counselling and to consider talking to your GP about your mood before going through divorce. You were an equal member of the marriage .

Hmmmm

I’m not an equal member though.
If I had access to joint money it would be different maybe but I don’t. When dh used to be away a lot for work I’d worry about the washing machine or boiler breaking, or needing a tyre etc because I’d no way of accessing money to pay for emergencies. I’d have had to call him and ask him to transfer it I suppose.

@Legoteacups

I’m not an equal member though. If I had access to joint money it would be different maybe but I don’t. When dh used to be away a lot for work I’d worry about the washing machine or boiler breaking, or needing a tyre etc because I’d no way of accessing money to pay for emergencies. I’d have had to call him and ask him to transfer it I suppose.

So he’s financially abusive too?

No, but he earns it. I don’t think it’s financially abusive that he has his own account and most of the money.

This is ridiculous, equality in marriage is about the choices you make as a family together, my DH is a high Earner and when dc were small I sacrificed my career to go part time to facilitate him earning money and in any split I would want that reflected.

I didn't no. I signed my half of the house over and just went. But we didn't have children.

In your shoes I would definitely take what I was entitled to.