If you split up and it was your fault did you still take what you were ‘entitled’ to?

[Legoteacups]

For background - we’ve been married 17 years and together for 18, I’m 36 and dh is 46. Two dc, 10 and 5, I’ve been a sahm on and off, working part time now, but I’ve never put anything much in whereas dh earns over £100k and has various shares and properties and a pension worth a sizeable amount. He owns the house outright, I’m not on the deeds even though we bought it when we were together.
So basically I’ve not put anything of worth into the marriage and I’d be leaving with nothing, dh has a lot of savings etc too, I don’t have much of a pension even and haven’t been able to claim child benefit because of dh being a high earner. I’ve no access to any joint accounts. I have my own account for my salary but it’s only about £1k a month.
I have done everything - absolutely everything - for the children since they were born.

I am not happy. It isn’t dh’s fault, there’s nothing terrible, we aren’t arguing, I’m just very very unhappy. I’ve lost over two stone - now only 7.5stone at 5ft 7” I cant eat. It’s not a choice. I’m just really really unhappy and I feel guilty about how unhappy I am.
If I tell him I want to separate it doesn’t seem fair to take any money from him when he has earned it all and I’ve done nothing apart from laze around on and off since having the children.
If you instigated the split as the lower earner did you still take any money behind child maintenance? It seems very unfair, like stealing.

Are you planning on leaving the children with him?

If not, you might need somewhere for them to live, furniture for them to use, heat, food, lights, etc etc.

See it as THEM having what they need through you if you feel so strongly that you deserve nothing. (I disagree strongly with you on that btw!)

This must be a wind-up....

If not: you need to find a new solicitor.

Also - assuming you'll be the one having the children - where do you see yourselves living and being able to live from your salary?

4 days is nearly full time.

I wonder how much he helped after getting home from work: did he load/unload erc washing, cooked dinner, play with kids, attended parents evening, did main shopping etc?

@Legoteacups

Men seem to get a rough deal in divorce. My solicitor agreed. She said it’s just how it is.

No way did she say this.

If your h ends up with the deal that the "average" NRP has then he'll have no problems dating a new person and having fun as if he were single. His contact with kids can be fit neatly around his working schedule and he'll be considered a good Dad if he sees his kids a few hours a week and gets them a gift for birthday and Xmas

I walked away from a marriage before - with nothing. I felt it was the fair thing to do as it was his family's help that enabled us to buy our flat .... I realised how stupid this was when the judge asked if I was sure I didn't want any maintenance off him. We had no children.

Not a chance I'd leave my current marriage and end up on the street with OUR children. Who thinks like that?

Why on earth would your ex husband give you maintenance if you didn’t have children?

That is what she said. Weighted in woman’s favour, law, just how it is.

@Legoteacups

That is what she said. Weighted in woman’s favour, law, just how it is.

I assume she meant specifically divorce law or she probably wasn't a lawyer at all

Go and work out how much a live in nanny would cost each year, plus a housekeeper, plus a gardener. 24 hours 7 days a week. Then look at counselling with someone who specialises in domestic/financial/controlling abuse and see if anything resonates. I honestly think you’re depressed op, and I’m not sure your relationship sounds healthy

I think you'll find its weighted in children's favour more than anything. Its more that it's the women left holding the babies and those children need providing for than it is let's give everything to the women just because.

Men get a rough deal in divorce.
That's a good one.
That'll keep me chuckling all night.

I think they do if they don’t want to divorce.
My husband would potentially lose half his money, some of his pension, and possibly as much time with his children.

You have risked your health to carry and birth two children.
You have risked your health to look after your children- missing sleep and prioritising your D.C. over yourself, which you will have, affects your health.
You have done the majority of the housework and childcare- regardless of how tidy the house is.

He has been free to keep his health and career while still having children. You have not.

Someone doing your job- raising children and keeping house- would have been paid significant amounts.

Don't undervalue your contribution.

@Legoteacups

That is what she said. Weighted in woman’s favour, law, just how it is.

It's weighted in the children's favour, which almost invariably means that the women needs resources to raise them, because the man gets the freedom to work without restraint.

Is this even for real?

@Legoteacups

I think they do if they don’t want to divorce. My husband would potentially lose half his money, some of his pension, and possibly as much time with his children.

Nope - not true. Irrelevant whether they want divorce or not - plenty of abusive men don't want to divorce.

@Legoteacups

I think they do if they don’t want to divorce. My husband would potentially lose half his money, some of his pension, and possibly as much time with his children.

You know you don't have to sign a particular, set agreement yes? If you don't want to take half of some things then don't. Many people would say you'd be foolish not to do so, as they are thinking what is in the best interests of your children's financial security.

But you don't seem to understand that you don't have just two options - to either take him to the cleaners / to stay together forever even if unhappy - you can find a middle ground that ensures you and your child are safe and secure but you don't feel you've taken advantage.

You're both adults capable of discussing this without one of you unilaterally deciding things. You sound very naive and are massively underselling your contribution to the marriage and partnership. But regardless, you don't have to accept a specific, standard settlement.

You can have mediation and come to an agreement. But I think you'll be surprised at how little your husband considers what is fair for you versus how much you are considering what you think is fair for him...

I’ve done every bathrime, bedtime, mealtime, night waking, morning get up since dc1 was born.

It’s different if someone is abusive though, even if they don’t want to divorce there’s no other choice.

You seem extraordinarily concerned with men's rights, more than ensuring your children have the best outcome from a separation.
There's some websites I think you might find useful.
A voice for men, MGTOW, men's rights on Reddit, father's rights foundation.

They might be able to help you navigate your way to nothing on the grounds you are just a woman and bring nothing to the table.

Personally, I'd focus on ensuring the children are best housed, fed, clothed and so on, even if that means he contributes a lump sum up front then pays a fair share monthly but hey 🤷‍♀️ each to their own.

You've falicitated him advancing his career and why in earth aren't you claiming child benefit? Yes it's a fuck on but it means you'll get a state pension out of it. Why hasn't he being sorting a pension out for you at the very least? Christ.

Stop being so ruddy down on yourself.

You seem severely mentally unwell. Besides a lawyer you need a physician.

Because marriage is weighted in favour of him OP - divorce balances it out. If he was a decent partner you would not be in this state

Put your children first and make sure they have a good and safe home.

My god woman. I feel like u want to give you a shake.

You've been manipulated to fuck, when you were in your teens, by a man a decade older than you.

How does he treat you - financial abuse aside. Why are you unhappy?

Do you feel like you're a good mum, do your kids love you? I'm sure you are their world.

*I want to

If he's getting such a rough deal from you why wouldn't he want a divorce?
But whoever you are and whatever your agenda is, you know full well that is not the case.

When an 18 year old gives up all their opportunities in life to be someone else's house slave, its not the slave owner who is getting the bad deal.

And if on the off chance this is for real, and you are actually planning to walk away with the clothes on your back. Make sure you dont drag your children into your bdsm mindset. He'll need to get full custody of them as you cant afford it. Dont worry, he can find some other sucker to do 24/7 unpaid drudge work for food and board. And no doubt he can also make them feel sick enough so that the food doesnt cost too much either.

It’s very clear from your first post that your H is financially abusive. You need to find a lawyer through women’s aid because they are experienced at dealing with this kind of situation

The statistics on life after divorce I can’t recall exactly but for the majority of men their standard of living goes up and for women it goes down. Any divorce lawyer would know that.
you say you’ve done everything for the kids since they were born. So I don’t understand why you think it’s not fair to take them away from your H. If he was really interested in parenting them he would have been doing it since they were born not leaving it all up to you

Division of assets in a marriage that has produced children is about what is best for the children. That means that the person who has been the primary caregiver throughout the marriage should walk away with the larger share. Your starting point should be a 70-30 split. Accept nothing less.