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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Husband of 8 years cheated

103 replies

Avalon2020 · 27/12/2020 17:34

Hi all,

I am sat here numb and devastated as I found out earlier today that my husband of 8 years has cheated on me. A pretty young woman messaged me on Facebook to say she has been having an affair with my husband for the past year and provided plenty of evidence of this in the form of voicemail messages, screen shots, videos etc.

Me and the husband have had a Rocky marriage since the children (4 and 5) were born. He resented the responsibility and when my daughter was a year old he went to live with his mum (who is a widow) and sister (divorced with 2 kids). I was not happy with this but was so preoccupied with working and raising my kids I let it be as he would spend lots of time with us and we would go on holiday together etc. The topic of divorce came up a few times but he was adamant that he didn’t want this.

I confronted him about the affair and he admitted it. Said it started when we were going through a difficult patch and doesn’t want to break up over this. The woman that messaged me said he had promised to marry her, sent her links to houses so they can live there with my children staying at the weekend. Incidentally I moved to a new house a few weeks ago and he refused to consider buying a house together as he wanted his freedom. He has been sleeping with this woman, meeting her, taking her out and telling her he loves her. He said he never promised her anything and it was just a fling. He said he doesn’t want to be with her. I am actually devastated about this revelation. I have asked for a divorce but soo upset. I turn 40 in a few days and just bought a big house that needs work plus the kids are at home and keep catching me crying.

How do I deal with this 😢

OP posts:

LadyCatStark · 27/12/2020 17:42

Sorry this has happened to you, but does he actually bring anything to your life??

PurplePansy05 · 27/12/2020 17:47

OP, I think he's been an unnecessary burden in your life and you'll see how much better it becomes after he's gone! You're well rid of him! You deserve to meet someone good for you.

DBML · 27/12/2020 17:49

I’m sorry you are going through this. Your husband sounds bloody horrible, completely irresponsible and not at all trustworthy or reliable. I can assure you that a better life awaits once you dump your ‘excess baggage’.

He’s hurt you so badly, that is will be difficult for you to ever really get past...but you could save yourself months of heartache by ditching the loser now, having your time to cry and then moving on, maybe with someone who treats you and your children as you should be treated.

He’s a waste of time and a waste of space. Me like him are selfish and immature and never really change. So do yourself a favour and make 2021 the year of no longer having a shit husband.

SnailortheWhale · 27/12/2020 17:52

So you’ve been living apart and he’s just been breezing in and out of the family when he felt like it?! My jaw is on the floor-the affair is the least of your worries! Have you been sleeping with him, while he lives elsewhere and opts totally out of parenting and family life?! Sorry to sound accusatory but I’m astounded that you have tolerated this...your marriage was over the moment he moved out, you do know that? Divorce him immediately and maybe consider some counselling to work on your boundaries and self esteem. You can clearly do this alone because you already are-your children are lucky to have one reliable parent, focus on them and rid yourself of this vile excuse for a man for good.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 27/12/2020 17:53

Sounds like he checked out of the marriage 3 years ago when he moved out. Jyst start divorce proceedings.

happytoday73 · 27/12/2020 17:58

I think he has checked out of the marriage but doesn't want to pay you out.

I'd want a divorce.. Problem being his bit on the side then gets what she wants.... That's the only flaw

Bookaholic73 · 27/12/2020 17:59

@happytoday73

I think he has checked out of the marriage but doesn't want to pay you out.

I'd want a divorce.. Problem being his bit on the side then gets what she wants.... That's the only flaw

What, a lying cheating asshole? I’d be packing his bags and sending him with a note that says ‘good luck, you’ll need it!’

Original poster

Avalon2020 · 27/12/2020 18:05

In this scenario I am the one that is financially more secure so there’s no question about him paying out. I helped him start a business and he is making good money now but obviously splashing it on his new woman.

My self esteem does need to improve but this doesn’t help, the new woman is 15 years younger than me!! I was so desperate to stay married and keep my family together that I tolerated a lot. In my culture the advice is always be patient, he will change.

His own mother is as shocked as I am. I honestly don’t know what I was expecting, perhaps him to finally grow a pair and be a man.

OP posts:

RantyAnty · 27/12/2020 18:05

Divorce him. He brings nothing to your lives.

Nomoresleeps · 27/12/2020 18:06

You don’t live together and just bought a house on your own?

That makes the affair less shocking.

Sorry but it sounds a very odd set up all round.

Original poster

Avalon2020 · 27/12/2020 18:07

His girlfriend has messaged to say he has blocked her and accused her of ruining his life. It’s shocking that he is blaming her rather than being accountable for his own actions. I’m sure he’ll run back to her once the divorce proceedings start!

OP posts:

VettiyaIruken · 27/12/2020 18:11

Urgh. He's a toad. Right now he thinks he can talk you round. If he can't then he'll get very very nasty to you while crawling back to her and pretending you made him block her and say what he said cos you're unstable and said you'd not let him see the kids blah blah blah.

Original poster

Avalon2020 · 27/12/2020 18:11

It is an odd set up, and one I was never comfortable with. However I thought I’d rather have a part time husband than no husband. I know, very silly.

I’ve put up with so much. He came home with an std when I was 5 months pregnant (I was ill when pregnant so he dropped me to my mums house to be looked after and moved to his mums- see the theme here?)

There’s been years of his selfish behaviour, excuses for not seeing the kids but now they’re older and less dependant suddenly he wants to buy his own house and have them stay over the weekend. I asked him for a divorce plenty of times but he never agreed. My parents were also against it although they are now backing me up.

OP posts:

Original poster

Avalon2020 · 27/12/2020 18:13

He already fed her a pack of lies about me, that I’m manipulative, evil and don’t let him see the kids. This is nonsense he doesn’t want to see them him self

OP posts:

Crystalvas · 27/12/2020 18:14

Im so sorry this had happened to you. Sounds like he was never really conmitted in the first place. Hes only going to admit to what you have found out. You deserve better. He has no respect for you. He cheated on you for a significant amount of time. Thered no going back from that. He refused to buy a house with his wife for you all as a family. What a wimp let him go op.

Dery · 27/12/2020 18:15

“In my culture the advice is always be patient, he will change.”

That is very poor advice. It isn’t true. It’s deluded and unhelpful.

For most people, the fact that he was living elsewhere and refused to buy a house with his wife would indicate that he no longer considered himself to be married.

So sorry you’re going through this but please use his antics as your opportunity to divorce him and leave him behind.

Original poster

Avalon2020 · 27/12/2020 18:17

He’s a spoilt brat....a modern day Peter Pan. All he cares about are his watches, cars and dressing up. He pays towards the kids each month but thinks that’s his only duty. My son has been at school for a year and a half and he’s only collected him once and the teacher refused to send him with him without a password as she didn’t know who he was!!

OP posts:

NotTheMrMenAgain · 27/12/2020 18:17

I'm sorry OP - I discovered my husband of 12 years was a serial cheat over the summer, so I can empathise. My CH (cheating husband) was physically present but so emotionally absent that our marriage had been more or less over for a couple of years, at least. I told him to move out asap because there was no way I would ever consider staying together as I am worth SO much more than he has or will ever have to offer. And his absence now makes me much happier than his presence did for a long time.

I'm sorry to say that I agree with others who've said your marriage was over as soon as your 'CH' moved out - he popped back for the good bits of parenting like holidays, but wasn't doing any of the grunt work. It sounds like he doesn't support you practically, emotionally or financially - so what actually is the point of him?

You are worth SO much more than this scumbag. Divorce him, move on, live your life and be happy. I guarantee you will never be happy with this man dragging you down. You can do so much better without him hanging around on the periphery of your family life.

gamerchick · 27/12/2020 18:18

Tell the girlfriend that he's hoodwinked her and she deserves everything she gets. Tell her she's not your problem and not to message you again. Then block.

Then it's time to unravel yourself from him. Get some legal advice.

I'm sorry man, he's a cock and has brought everything on himself. No mercy.

iftherewereahorseyinthehouse · 27/12/2020 18:18

He already moved out years ago though?

Original poster

Avalon2020 · 27/12/2020 18:19

I always had a gut feeling something wasn’t right and now I know. It’s bitter but at least I know now. It is going to hurt though seeing him set up a home with another woman, something he didn’t do with me or his children 😢

OP posts:

TJ17 · 27/12/2020 18:21

He's a shitbag but this was no kind of marriage anyway!

LTB

Original poster

Avalon2020 · 27/12/2020 18:22

I kicked him out years ago as he wasn’t pulling his weight hoping it would give him the impetus to actually change. He set up a business but was never invested as a husband / father although did turn up to every family function, take us on holiday etc etc. Only yesterday he was looking at booking a holiday for us as he said “I deserved it” as the house move has been stressful

OP posts:

Fluffycloudland77 · 27/12/2020 18:27

Well he sounds a dead weight who’ll always run home to mummy so I’d just divorce.

You’ve tried.

Original poster

Avalon2020 · 27/12/2020 18:29

I have indeed. I’ve tried my best to keep my family together but enough is enough

OP posts:

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