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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Husband of 8 years cheated

103 replies

Avalon2020 · 27/12/2020 17:34

Hi all,

I am sat here numb and devastated as I found out earlier today that my husband of 8 years has cheated on me. A pretty young woman messaged me on Facebook to say she has been having an affair with my husband for the past year and provided plenty of evidence of this in the form of voicemail messages, screen shots, videos etc.

Me and the husband have had a Rocky marriage since the children (4 and 5) were born. He resented the responsibility and when my daughter was a year old he went to live with his mum (who is a widow) and sister (divorced with 2 kids). I was not happy with this but was so preoccupied with working and raising my kids I let it be as he would spend lots of time with us and we would go on holiday together etc. The topic of divorce came up a few times but he was adamant that he didn’t want this.

I confronted him about the affair and he admitted it. Said it started when we were going through a difficult patch and doesn’t want to break up over this. The woman that messaged me said he had promised to marry her, sent her links to houses so they can live there with my children staying at the weekend. Incidentally I moved to a new house a few weeks ago and he refused to consider buying a house together as he wanted his freedom. He has been sleeping with this woman, meeting her, taking her out and telling her he loves her. He said he never promised her anything and it was just a fling. He said he doesn’t want to be with her. I am actually devastated about this revelation. I have asked for a divorce but soo upset. I turn 40 in a few days and just bought a big house that needs work plus the kids are at home and keep catching me crying.

How do I deal with this 😢

OP posts:

Original poster

Avalon2020 · 28/12/2020 04:01

@WaterOffADucksCrack

Jeez OP put some big girls pants on, divorce him and move on. I've read some really annoying threads on here recently with lazy husbands (I'm not allowed to be i'll etc), emotionally abusive husbands but this one is top ten. When did women become such doormats? Your poor children and their part time Dad How is this in any way helpful? You must be a very angry person to be unkind to someone who clearly needs support. Also noticed you're blaming women for "being doormats" rather than blaming men for their behaviour. When I was cheated on my ex gaslighted me and told me I was crazy. I felt like I was crazy. When I had proof I couldn't believe the extent of the lies.

OP it won't feel like it now, but you will come out of this stronger than ever. I wish you all the luck, love and happiness in the world.

Thank you so much. I managed to get a little sleep but woke up abruptly with that horrible sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. I just can’t believe he’s thrown 8 years away for for a thrill.

OP posts:

Thisendsnow · 28/12/2020 07:03

I think you are looking at your relationship with Rose tinted glasses OP. He hasn't thrown 8 years away, he had already left the marriage years agovwhen your child was 1 and he left the family home. He has been having a full relationship with the other woman for a long time, not a one off mistake.
He also gave you an STD whilst pregnant, so you have known for a long time he is a cheat.
You need to see it for what it really is so you can get angry and move on. You don't have to get a divorce yet to actually end things. There is nothing legally tieing you to him and worrying you cant get married again before you've even got rid of this one is a waste of energy.
You deserved so much more when he left you all those years ago and have already shown you can run a household and parent as a single person so you will get through this.

TreacleHart · 28/12/2020 07:10

Personal question , or at least a concern for your health. Do you think you should be getting yourself tested at a sexual health clinic ?

Palavah · 28/12/2020 07:20

@Avalon2020

I’m hoping he won’t make it difficult. I once pushed for a divorce and he told me he wouldn’t give me one as then I can never marry again!

If you are only islamically married then dont you need to just declare to him that you divorce him and repeat twice?

KatherineJaneway · 28/12/2020 07:36

@Thisendsnow

I think you are looking at your relationship with Rose tinted glasses OP. He hasn't thrown 8 years away, he had already left the marriage years agovwhen your child was 1 and he left the family home. He has been having a full relationship with the other woman for a long time, not a one off mistake. He also gave you an STD whilst pregnant, so you have known for a long time he is a cheat. You need to see it for what it really is so you can get angry and move on. You don't have to get a divorce yet to actually end things. There is nothing legally tieing you to him and worrying you cant get married again before you've even got rid of this one is a waste of energy. You deserved so much more when he left you all those years ago and have already shown you can run a household and parent as a single person so you will get through this.

Agree

rottiemum88 · 28/12/2020 07:43

She got into a relationship with a man she knew to be committed to someone else who they had children with

To be fair he didn't live with his wife and children though did he? So I can see why the OW more easily believed his story.

Sorry this has happened to you OP

Original poster

Avalon2020 · 28/12/2020 07:51

@TreacleHart

Personal question , or at least a concern for your health. Do you think you should be getting yourself tested at a sexual health clinic ?

I’ve requested a std test online. I want to make sure I’m okay.

OP posts:

jprgs · 28/12/2020 07:53

I'm sorry about this. I am not a wife, but a child of a cheater. My parents were married for over 25 years, yet my father cheats on her, and now he together with the girl are living together. As a child, I advised my mother that we will get through this together. I understand and see her pain. All I can say, there is a man who isn't ready to be a man and a good husband. Don't drag yourself down, prove, and show him that you are strong enough to keep going on. If I were you I will download videopower.me/tips/category-videopower-red/how-to-download-video-automatically/ for some videos about how to kick his ass hahaha Kidding aside! Be a strong girl!

Bluntness100 · 28/12/2020 07:53

Op. I’m so sorry this has happened. It seems however this was not a normal marriage, he only visited at weekends, and you didn’t live together. I guess the fact he has another relationship isn’t that huge of a surprise if you think about it.

Ultimately in practical terms you’ve been single for quite some time. So little will change for you. Just ask him about the divorce. I’m surprised he was saying she has ruined his life, when he was never acting like a married person in the first place. He was living a single life.

Good luck, but for you, in all practical terms you’ve been single for quite some time.

Longtalljosie · 28/12/2020 07:54

Mumsnet isn’t always that helpful on British Asian cultural stuff @Avalon2020. I’m so sorry this has happened to you. Would your in-laws find you instigating a divorce over adultery so embarrassing they would advise your H to just do an instant divorce to get it over with? And also - is there a statute of limitations? If you were to divorce over adultery do you have to do it within a certain timeframe?

Original poster

Avalon2020 · 28/12/2020 07:55

@Thisendsnow

I think you are looking at your relationship with Rose tinted glasses OP. He hasn't thrown 8 years away, he had already left the marriage years agovwhen your child was 1 and he left the family home. He has been having a full relationship with the other woman for a long time, not a one off mistake. He also gave you an STD whilst pregnant, so you have known for a long time he is a cheat. You need to see it for what it really is so you can get angry and move on. You don't have to get a divorce yet to actually end things. There is nothing legally tieing you to him and worrying you cant get married again before you've even got rid of this one is a waste of energy. You deserved so much more when he left you all those years ago and have already shown you can run a household and parent as a single person so you will get through this.

He didn’t leave of his own accord , I threw him out of MY house that he was living in as he wasn’t pulling his weight. We were still together after that, sleeping together, speaking and face timing multiple times a day, taking family trips together etc. We were in a relationship, although it can’t be described in conventional terms as a ‘marriage’.

OP posts:

Original poster

Avalon2020 · 28/12/2020 07:58

@Longtalljosie

Mumsnet isn’t always that helpful on British Asian cultural stuff *@Avalon2020*. I’m so sorry this has happened to you. Would your in-laws find you instigating a divorce over adultery so embarrassing they would advise your H to just do an instant divorce to get it over with? And also - is there a statute of limitations? If you were to divorce over adultery do you have to do it within a certain timeframe?

I am hoping he will just give me a divorce to save himself and his family the embarrassment of me applying for it.

OP posts:

Longtalljosie · 28/12/2020 08:16

Yes I thought that was your best hope. Well - once you’ve stopped feeling (and you don’t need a cast-iron plan today, just give yourself time to breathe) I guess you need to give your H and in-laws no doubt at all that you will start this process unless he cracks on with it first...

Longtalljosie · 28/12/2020 08:17

Not feeling - reeling!

Thisendsnow · 28/12/2020 08:17

Apologies, I read your OP as if he had left due to resenting family life and you were unhappy about it.
I assumed the STD was prior to him moving out.
It appears you've already done the hard bit in removing him from your home, raising your children alone and providing for them financially too. You are capable and strong enough to see this through.

deepwatersolo · 28/12/2020 13:37

Obviously, this is very hard to pull off when there are still feelings involved, but your best bet might be to play the „I‘m doing this for you(him)“ card. If you can persuade him that „we were never compatible that is why you even were Open for another woman and with this new Woman you have a Chance, I won‘t stay in your way,...“ like you are making this grand sacrifice for him and his happiness... with that reasoning you Maybe can even proceed with initiating the divorce (if he doesn‘t) without being vilified.

I have seen women Get their way while convincing pretty much everyone that they were the selfless ones, the sacrificial lambs, basically. If you can pull that off, that might be your Ticket to freedom.

Dontweallfeelthiswaysometimes · 28/12/2020 13:42

Would it be the right thing to try and sell the new house quickly (while the stamp duty holiday is still going) and find something else? Genuine question. If the answer is "yes" then that's something to do RIGHT NOW.

Original poster

Avalon2020 · 28/12/2020 14:52

@Dontweallfeelthiswaysometimes

Why would I sell the house?

OP posts:

Original poster

Avalon2020 · 28/12/2020 14:53

@deepwatersolo

I’ll try that once he gets in contact.

OP posts:

deepwatersolo · 28/12/2020 19:42

Rooting for you, OP!

AlternativePerspective · 28/12/2020 19:56

In the OW’s defence, while she knew that you were on the scene, he legitimately could have told her that you weren’t living together, and as such probably also told her that you were separated. MN is about as suspicious as they get when it comes to relationships, but if someone posted here that they’d been seeing a man who said he was separated and lived with his mother nobody would doubt that.

I suspect he doesn’t actually want a family life, hence why he is now telling the GF she ruined his life. Talk of marriage and their own house etc was very likely just talk, and now she’s brought that out in the open he’s being forced to do something about it.

From your perspective, while you do stil have feelings for him, you’re already halfway there in terms of the relationship being over in that you don’t e.g. have to get used to living alone, doing all the childcare etc. So divorce is your next step....

Original poster

Avalon2020 · 28/12/2020 20:28

Yes divorce is the next step. The other woman is continuing to bombard me with videos and voicemails, it’s actually sickening. He called me earlier to say his whole family is roasting him about his behaviour and that if I really want a divorce he’ll give me it but he wants to work things out. I told him there’s no chance of that. He said going forward he wants to help me with the children and will pay his maintenance each month in full and on time. The other woman is apparently messaging him on his work emails and won’t leave him alone. I said serves you right for leading her on and you made your bed now go lie in it!

OP posts:

Tistheseason17 · 28/12/2020 20:50

👏👏👏 Well done, OP- Stay strong

letsdolunch321 · 28/12/2020 21:25

@Avalon2020

Get the divorce papers filled in and filed asap. He has no intention of changing, he is just playing you till the other woman wants him back.

Original poster

Avalon2020 · 28/12/2020 21:36

I won’t fall for it. If I feel weak I’ll look at all the screenshots and voicemail messages and that’ll get my blood boiling again

OP posts:

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