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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband of 8 years cheated

103 replies

Avalon2020 · 27/12/2020 17:34

Hi all,

I am sat here numb and devastated as I found out earlier today that my husband of 8 years has cheated on me. A pretty young woman messaged me on Facebook to say she has been having an affair with my husband for the past year and provided plenty of evidence of this in the form of voicemail messages, screen shots, videos etc.

Me and the husband have had a Rocky marriage since the children (4 and 5) were born. He resented the responsibility and when my daughter was a year old he went to live with his mum (who is a widow) and sister (divorced with 2 kids). I was not happy with this but was so preoccupied with working and raising my kids I let it be as he would spend lots of time with us and we would go on holiday together etc. The topic of divorce came up a few times but he was adamant that he didn’t want this.

I confronted him about the affair and he admitted it. Said it started when we were going through a difficult patch and doesn’t want to break up over this. The woman that messaged me said he had promised to marry her, sent her links to houses so they can live there with my children staying at the weekend. Incidentally I moved to a new house a few weeks ago and he refused to consider buying a house together as he wanted his freedom. He has been sleeping with this woman, meeting her, taking her out and telling her he loves her. He said he never promised her anything and it was just a fling. He said he doesn’t want to be with her. I am actually devastated about this revelation. I have asked for a divorce but soo upset. I turn 40 in a few days and just bought a big house that needs work plus the kids are at home and keep catching me crying.

How do I deal with this 😢

OP posts:
SarahBellam · 27/12/2020 18:31

He’s an utter shitbag. This woman has done you a favour and you don’t have to spend another minute worrying about him.

Fluffycloudland77 · 27/12/2020 18:32

I doubt he’ll set up home with another woman, he’ll still be living with mil avoiding being a grown up.

PurplePansy05 · 27/12/2020 18:35

I thought I’d rather have a part time husband than no husband

I'd rather have a full time husband, a new one, when the time is right.

OP, you're clearly capable, switched on and strong. Get rid of him, he's been weighing you down for years. File for divorce and enjoy your life, you so deserve this 💐

Original poster
Avalon2020 · 27/12/2020 18:36

Who knows, he’s told he loves her and been taking her out whilst telling me he’s busy at work

OP posts:
Littleyell · 27/12/2020 18:38

Honestly I won’t repeat what others have said.

You have been doing just fine OP. You have got your own independence and I am sure you will get through this.

SRS29 · 27/12/2020 18:39

Jeez OP put some big girls pants on, divorce him and move on. I've read some really annoying threads on here recently with lazy husbands (I'm not allowed to be i'll etc), emotionally abusive husbands but this one is top ten. When did women become such doormats? Your poor children and their part time Dad Angry

Original poster
Avalon2020 · 27/12/2020 18:41

I know, I need to stop wallowing. I can absolutely do this, I’ve been doing it on my own for the past 3 years. It just hurts! I’m already under pressure with renovating this house and feel unsettled and this gas tipped me over the edge

OP posts:
Thewithesarehere · 27/12/2020 18:41

How does your marital status affect your new house? Can he claim half if you two are still married legally?

CrotchetyQuaver · 27/12/2020 18:43

It sounds like you will be well rid of him, just get on and see a solicitor to start the process as soon as you can. You now have what you need to divorce him for adultery, you don't need his agreement.

Original poster
Avalon2020 · 27/12/2020 18:46

We are only Islamically married so not legally. He can’t touch a penny of mine. I bought this house on mine and my children’s future. He even had the nerve to ask me to put in a king size bed as he doesn’t like sleeping in a double. The nerve of it

OP posts:
Original poster
Avalon2020 · 27/12/2020 18:47

My children have been upset seeing me upset but my son just asked me when I’ll bring home a new husband since “daddy is not your love any more”. They must have over heard my conversation

OP posts:
JillofTrades · 27/12/2020 18:48

Sorry to sound accusatory but I’m astounded that you have tolerated this...your marriage was over the moment he moved out, you do know that?

Same here. I think this is more of a betrayal than the affair. He walked out when you needed him the most. Go through with the divorce op, you deserve more than this. Sorry that you are going through this.

Houseplantmad · 27/12/2020 18:53

This is easy for me to say as I am not emotionally involved but from what I've read, your life, and that of your DC, can only improve once you are shot of him.
Just think of him as a poor pathetic human who should be pitied but don't waste your emotions on him beyond that.

Fluffycloudland77 · 27/12/2020 18:54

Oh you’ve had a right result then if you never married legally in the eyes of the uk legal system. Do you think it will be easy to divorce him?. They won’t make it hard for you will they?.

Tistheseason17 · 27/12/2020 18:55

Don't feel bad for him or the OW.
He hoped he could have you both.
She was happy bring the OW believing his lies.
Now, you can move on without his dead weight. Once you are happy you'll meet someone who wants to be with you and not just "drop in" when it suits them!

Original poster
Avalon2020 · 27/12/2020 18:57

I’m hoping he won’t make it difficult. I once pushed for a divorce and he told me he wouldn’t give me one as then I can never marry again!

OP posts:
Original poster
Avalon2020 · 27/12/2020 18:59

The girlfriend has also been duped. He told her he was divorcing me and fed her a pack of lies. When she said she wanted to tell her mum about the relationship he told her not to and then broke up with her. She’s only 24/25 and seems nice enough but was obviously enjoying the sex and money!

OP posts:
Fluffycloudland77 · 27/12/2020 19:01

Good lord as if you’d put yourself through marriage again after all this.

Tistheseason17 · 27/12/2020 19:02

What's the issue if you're not legally married?

And the OW was not duped. She got into a relationship with a man she knew to be committed to someone else who they had children with. She just wanted to "win him".

Original poster
Avalon2020 · 27/12/2020 19:04

I am well and truly off marriage. As soon as I had my children they were my priority and it’ll continue that way. I have no interest in finding another man. I literally wouldn’t trust any one now

OP posts:
ballsdeep · 27/12/2020 19:05

Op you haven't had a marriage for years. He's done you a favour. But your losses and move on with someone who deserves you and a an actually be arsed to be your partner, not some kind of teenager

ballsdeep · 27/12/2020 19:08

@Avalon2020

In this scenario I am the one that is financially more secure so there’s no question about him paying out. I helped him start a business and he is making good money now but obviously splashing it on his new woman.

My self esteem does need to improve but this doesn’t help, the new woman is 15 years younger than me!! I was so desperate to stay married and keep my family together that I tolerated a lot. In my culture the advice is always be patient, he will change.

His own mother is as shocked as I am. I honestly don’t know what I was expecting, perhaps him to finally grow a pair and be a man.

Op with all due respect there is patient and then there is taking the piss.

Why is your mother shocked?! Someone who can check out of your marriage so easily when you've got young children is hardly husband of the year material

eightxmaspaws · 27/12/2020 19:09

ugh OP don't waste another second of your life on someone so awful. He's shown you who he really is.
You tried your hardest. He deserted you and cheated. He made those choices and its not honourable behaviour.
Find someone lovely who is caring and compassionate and helpful and who brings joy and happiness to your life. Flowers

Original poster
Avalon2020 · 27/12/2020 19:11

I agree, he’s a rubbish husband and father but it still cuts that I’ve been spun this tale that eventually things will be great when all the while he’s been cheating on me. We may not have lived together full time but still considered him to be my husband and we were in a physical relationship (more fool me!)

OP posts:
Windmillwhirl · 27/12/2020 19:11

To be fair that he wasnt living with you was a great cover story for the ow. It made the situation he told her somewhat believable.

It hurts, of course, but that will ease in time. You're already doing it all on your own and you know you will cope.

He's an appalling human being. At least now there is no more wondering and hoping.