Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband of 8 years cheated

103 replies

Avalon2020 · 27/12/2020 17:34

Hi all,

I am sat here numb and devastated as I found out earlier today that my husband of 8 years has cheated on me. A pretty young woman messaged me on Facebook to say she has been having an affair with my husband for the past year and provided plenty of evidence of this in the form of voicemail messages, screen shots, videos etc.

Me and the husband have had a Rocky marriage since the children (4 and 5) were born. He resented the responsibility and when my daughter was a year old he went to live with his mum (who is a widow) and sister (divorced with 2 kids). I was not happy with this but was so preoccupied with working and raising my kids I let it be as he would spend lots of time with us and we would go on holiday together etc. The topic of divorce came up a few times but he was adamant that he didn’t want this.

I confronted him about the affair and he admitted it. Said it started when we were going through a difficult patch and doesn’t want to break up over this. The woman that messaged me said he had promised to marry her, sent her links to houses so they can live there with my children staying at the weekend. Incidentally I moved to a new house a few weeks ago and he refused to consider buying a house together as he wanted his freedom. He has been sleeping with this woman, meeting her, taking her out and telling her he loves her. He said he never promised her anything and it was just a fling. He said he doesn’t want to be with her. I am actually devastated about this revelation. I have asked for a divorce but soo upset. I turn 40 in a few days and just bought a big house that needs work plus the kids are at home and keep catching me crying.

How do I deal with this 😢

OP posts:
Original poster
Avalon2020 · 27/12/2020 19:12

I’m fact he constantly pestered me for sex, god knows why if he was getting it elsewhere

OP posts:
eightxmaspaws · 27/12/2020 19:15

Not your fault OP. You wanted a marriage with the father of your kids. Of course it hurts.
Unfortunately - the guy is a complete tool.

His girlfriend is also shady because she knew he was married with kids.

Start by writing a long list of what a generic 'decent' man/husband should be. Then pin it up somewhere where you can remind yourself that your STBXH has barely a single redeeming quality.

onyourway · 27/12/2020 19:15

What practical steps do you have to go through to get him out of your life?

Original poster
Avalon2020 · 27/12/2020 19:20

Practical steps - none. I pay all the bills at my place. He’s set up the sky and tv license. I do the drop offs and pick ups for the children, take them to their appointments, work, cook, clean, diy, paint, decorate. His only contribution to daily life was turning up on a Sunday to take us for a family day out and holidays. He did however help me move house and got me a washing machine etc. He’s actually been better these past few weeks but obviously because he was feeling guilty

OP posts:
Original poster
Avalon2020 · 27/12/2020 19:22

Emotionally it’s 8 years of a ‘marriage’ I need to unpick and ensuring the children are emotionally secure. He didn’t turn up today and the kids missed his presence (which involves bringing toys and sweets)

OP posts:
HyacynthBucket · 27/12/2020 19:22

What do you mean OP, that he "wont give you a divorce" ? Its not up to him. Get the divorce your need, as soon as possible, and move on without this deadweight in your life.

CorianderQueen · 27/12/2020 19:37

I thought that in Islam the woman was able to file for divorce and with evidence of his infidelity you would likely be granted it? So he doesn't have to 'give' you a divorce. Or have I got that wrong?

You're lucky you didn't marry him legally or he could have really landed you in it financially. I'm sorry he's fucked you over for so many years though.

deepwatersolo · 27/12/2020 19:49

You need to set boundaries. Obviously, his family (and possibly yours) enabled this sh*tshow by accepting his checking out of the relationship (he moved back to his family leaving you & the kids ffs), while feeding you the ‚be Patient‘ line. They all disrespected you by playing along imo. (And that is before any girlfriend business). I can‘t judge whether this is a cultural dynamic or family dynamic or both. But ask yourself: Do you want your kids to grow into such a reality? End it. Personally I‘d let him know you don’t consider yourself married as legally you aren‘t. End of story. (And I‘d demand my parents accept this.)
I have a friend (European, catholic Heritage) who always wondered why his Daddy wasn‘t there for Christmas. He was a grown man when he learned from his Mum that they were the guy‘s ‚second’ family. This has damaged him for life.
Don’t do this to your kids.

caringcarer · 27/12/2020 19:53

It honestly sounds like you will be happier without this horrible man who all but dumped you to look after his children while he played away. You can't get the divorce quickly enough. Make a life without him. Focus on your kids, job and doing up your house. In time I hope you meet a decent man.

Original poster
Avalon2020 · 27/12/2020 20:31

I can apply for an Islamic divorce but it’s a long process. If he issues it it’s immediate.

Yes this shit show has gone on for long enough. I am just thankful that we don’t have merged bank accounts or a house as that would be messy. I don’t want my children growing up thinking this is normal. So far they are happy and healthy and I want this to continue

OP posts:
totiredtocaresixk · 27/12/2020 21:20

Well done you you deserve better.

Rosy777 · 27/12/2020 21:21

Thank god you’re not legally tied up with this awful man. It will make parting ways more easy. Please don’t go back to him. The girlfriend is going to be in for a big shock.

Can you look to the future and make new plans for you and your family? Write a list - will give you things to look forward to.

Also in time you may want to meet men but will take time.

After the shock of all of this, you will move on just fine I promise Flowers

Amira19 · 27/12/2020 22:01

Was is an arranged marriage op? It sounds very much like you've been frightened of other peoples opinions if you divorce this hasnt been a marriage of love for a while but of convience for youre dh.

Original poster
Avalon2020 · 27/12/2020 22:32

No we married for love

OP posts:
Lora88 · 27/12/2020 22:38

I’m so sorry you are going through thid but oh my god you deserve so much better! Even without the affair the fact he won’t buy a house with you when he has children , he’s a child himself massive issues and red flags all over it , you are waiting you’life on this man please don’t let him have his cake and eat it for another second , of course he can so easily cheat with his care free life and lack of responsibility your children deserve better and so so you , what a waste of space

Thisendsnow · 27/12/2020 22:40

If you're not 'legally' married why do you need to do anything? Can't you just walk away as if you were just boyfriend and girlfriend? Sorry if this is an ignorant question

wizzywig · 27/12/2020 22:43

Op, you've said you're Islamically married, I don't know what your cultural/ethnic background is. If your in-laws are now accepting of a divorce, that means they could quite easily replace you with the new daughter in law.

pinkdragons · 27/12/2020 22:50

Are you actually legally married?

Thewithesarehere · 27/12/2020 22:55

@wizzywig

Op, you've said you're Islamically married, I don't know what your cultural/ethnic background is. If your in-laws are now accepting of a divorce, that means they could quite easily replace you with the new daughter in law.
Sod the in laws. You can simply start to tell everyone that he divorced you in private. He is a liar and a known cheater. No one will believe him.
HyacynthBucket · 27/12/2020 23:17

If you are not legally married OP, then do you even need a divorce? Sorry if this is an ill-informed question, but to get on with your life, it could be that you don't need any legal formalities to end the 'marriage' , as it never existed.

Original poster
Avalon2020 · 27/12/2020 23:31

It’s an Islamic divorce I need as I’m Muslim. Without it I can’t marry again despite it not being a legal marriage. Yes the in laws can replace me but good luck to the new daughter in law

OP posts:
Original poster
Avalon2020 · 27/12/2020 23:32

Nothing legal is needed. All he has to do is sign a document in front of two witnesses

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 27/12/2020 23:40

I would tell him it's either an immediate divorce or you will hire a solicitor to go after your share of his business.

WaterOffADucksCrack · 28/12/2020 00:03

Jeez OP put some big girls pants on, divorce him and move on. I've read some really annoying threads on here recently with lazy husbands (I'm not allowed to be i'll etc), emotionally abusive husbands but this one is top ten. When did women become such doormats? Your poor children and their part time Dad How is this in any way helpful? You must be a very angry person to be unkind to someone who clearly needs support. Also noticed you're blaming women for "being doormats" rather than blaming men for their behaviour. When I was cheated on my ex gaslighted me and told me I was crazy. I felt like I was crazy. When I had proof I couldn't believe the extent of the lies.

OP it won't feel like it now, but you will come out of this stronger than ever. I wish you all the luck, love and happiness in the world.

Littleyell · 28/12/2020 00:10

@wizzywig

Op, you've said you're Islamically married, I don't know what your cultural/ethnic background is. If your in-laws are now accepting of a divorce, that means they could quite easily replace you with the new daughter in law.
That’s the same for any kind of marriage. What’s your point? I don’t understand what your trying to achieve from that comment Shock
Swipe left for the next trending thread