How do I come to terms with this? Sounds silly but I’ve reached a wall.

[SunshineSetty]

I’ve reached my late thirties and I’m very very much single. People tend to assume when you crave a relationship that you have none of your own interests to distract you or you’re not very independent. Maybe compared to others that’s true as I’ve not done a survey, but my life has always been rammed full with plans and hobbies and travel. My career so far has got me a home and some stability. Yet I am heartbroken that I’m alone.

I’ve started having nightmares regretting breaking up with past flames who wanted me. Even though at the time I was so sure I didn’t want to be with them. Now I look back and think well at least I wouldn’t be alone. I don’t want a family alone, for me it’s about the companionship with it.

I’ve dated hard the last couple of years. I have met people and maybe should have settled, I don’t know. But whatever, I am now very much single, alone and exhausted with it.

In the last month I’ve had a man tell me I’m a prude because I didn’t want him to keep making low key sexual references ie I told him I’d had a lie in and he said I love it when you message me from bed ;-) another man I spoke to three times for hours at a time and when we were due to meet for a coffee (tier two days) he cancelled with no real explanation. Another called me bookish and dull because I declined coffee with him after he accused me of being a serial dater when I took more than 24 hours to reply to a message. Lots have asked if I would make them a kept man so they could give up work. Another said ‘oh a 37 year old on bumble, ouch’ as their opening line after we matched and I said hello.

I’ve tried all sorts of sites including paid ones. I even feel a little resentful to men in general at this stage. My last relationship of a year and a half ended when I found out he was on an illicit hook ups site and was chatting to female friends on Facebook telling them he was single...this is after I had just moved in. It materialised he had done the same to his ex.

I’m just so drained from it all and I know people meet others sometimes but for whatever reason I haven’t. I’ve had to watch everyone around me more in buy homes get married etc etc and I’m here alone and sad. None of it feels fun anymore. I don’t know how to come to terms with it? How do i stop pining for this life I longed for? Everywhere I go and everything I do I’m reminded of this gaping hole. I didn’t want to be alone. I never wanted this, I’m not someone who enjoys being strong and independent, I’ve just had no choice but to be that way. I honestly hate my life and I go over every night the relationships I didn’t feel much for and wish I had settled. I’m so unhappy.

That's really difficult and is compounded at this time of year l am sure. There have been a couple of very similar threads from women your age, wondering why it hasn't happened for them.
I don't know what to say because it is horrible when you want something but it feels so far out of your reach. There will be lots of people who will say oh l met my partner at 39 and then had two kids. Of course that can happen but equally there are loads of women where that doesn't happen.
I got part of the dream but not the other. I did meet someone when l was your age but we couldn't have children which has been a great sadness to me. There are not that many people that get everything they want.
I am not sure what advice to give except to stop beating yourself up about past decisions and try to focus on the here and now. Look into the realities of having a child alone. Ok it's not the fairytale ending but it will give your life a huge amount of structure and purpose and when you're so busy focusing on that a man might just walk into your life. It is a cliche but it's amazing what happens when you stop looking.

Thanks. The thing is it’s hard not to think about. Especially when nearly everyone around me is entrenched in a relationship. I’m the odd one out whether I like it or not.

I just want to be ok with it and I honestly don’t think I ever will be.

I wouldn’t write it off yet. This is a weird year. With lockdown and stress. You can’t meet people the normal way. I’d say to just keep enforcing your boundaries. Then when the pandemic is over join hobby groups.

Instead of trying to find a relationship online could you try and find some single friends? It sounds like you could do with a break from OLD and at least if you made friends with some single females you wouldn't feel so much like the odd one out. I know it's not the answer you're seeking but it might help.

I don't have any advice for you, and don't want to give you empty platitudes. I had a couple of years being single when I wanted a relationship but I was mid 20s and it's not the same. I wanted to say I'm sorry, your situation sounds incredibly tough and I really feel for you

I do have a couple of single friends but hanging on to seeing them to feel understood doesn’t replace a relationship. The point is I don’t want to be on my own. That’s the sad truth. I hate it. I am busy and work hard and get on with stuff but it’s not what I want. I actually can’t remember the last time I went to sleep without thinking how it wouldn’t make any difference if I didn’t wake up. I feel trapped as I don’t have time to stop online dating but I have now come to despise it.

You said you tried all sorts of sites.
What happened when you tried some serious "marriage bureau" type organisation?
I certainly don't think you're being unreasonable in staying away from the sleazeballs, time wasters, lowlifes and just plain men of bad character that you describe by the way!

That bunch of losers aside...

Is it that you find people that you can and do fall in love with, but for whatever reason they think you're not 100% right for them? Or is it that you never seem to meet people who are really (in your eyes) lovely?

I’m not sure. I think maybe I let some good ones go...I wasn’t into it though and ended it. I was also focused on work and stuff. But the last couple of years I’ve been focused on a relationship and met many people who have been just not very nice. I feel sick about the fact I’m alone and fearful - if I lose my job it’s on me to pay the bills. If I’m ill I have nobody. Etc. Of course that can happen in a relationship but it often doesn’t, the aim is to be a team.

I’ve not tried a marriage site. Are there those? Can’t seem to even find them online.

To some extent you have to settle - because no-one is 'perfect'.
Even if you meet someone who initially appears to be perfect in your eyes, I guarantee there will be other aspects of personality/habits/etc that will come out of the woodwork. Everyone initially puts on their 'best' side.
Someone you will be happy being with- companionship -is an excellent starting point.
It is draining when you don't find people you can be comfortable with. Online dating is like endless rounds of interviewing for a job.

@eightxmaspaws that’s exactly what it is, I don’t feel comfortable. And I have with people in the past as I went on to have relationships with them. But I have not met anyone I feel comfortable around for a really long time. How does that even feel, to trust and feel secure around someone? I know I felt it in the past but I don’t remember. I’ve had years of loneliness now.

There are also dating agencies online. Check if there is one for your area or nearby.If I ever became single again, I think I would try that. To be matched with someone. I really have been put off for life about dating sites on here and my friends.

[quote SunshineSetty]@eightxmaspaws that’s exactly what it is, I don’t feel comfortable. And I have with people in the past as I went on to have relationships with them. But I have not met anyone I feel comfortable around for a really long time. How does that even feel, to trust and feel secure around someone? I know I felt it in the past but I don’t remember. I’ve had years of loneliness now.[/quote]
I can only say hang on in there, keep hunting - took me years and years of thinking I would have to compromise in all sorts of ways, or pretending that being lonely felt fine. I thought I would never remember how to feel secure and trust. But truthfully, when at last you meet up with someone that's comfortable to be around, it might not feel like rockets going off, initially, but you will remember, that this is what good feels like. I promise.

@SunshineSetty the other thing to remember is that trust is earned and like love, it builds over time.
Some people may seem incredibly promising at first, and then you discover the warts..
Others may seem only quite nice and over time you discover wonderful hidden depths

I think it is easy to look around and think people in relationships are much happier than you, but in truth, they probably aren't. Rather than OLD could you join a friends site and maybe make new single friends which could develop into more? This is how my sister who has been single for 25 years met her fella, been together a year next month. My DH and l were friends for years before we got together so maybe friendship firs? But obviously being in a pandemic doesn't help.

It’s sad and heartbreaking when your are alone and feel alone, and I know you pine for the particular companionship you get from a partner/relationship. I totally understand why you would analyse past relationships and wonder if you should have settled or if things could have worked.

I would say this though, as lonely and as alone as you may feel, feel glad that you didn’t settle for any of those past flames, things weren’t working for a reason. Had you settled, yes perhaps you wouldn’t be alone now but that in itself doesn’t necessarily make you feel any less lonely, in fact I would go so far as to say that actually it’s bloody awful being lonely in a relationship, and being in the wrong relationship often has this effect.

I really sympathise about online dating and agree it can be awful. I don’t know what’s happened to men, but there seems to be a sea of immature, time wasting, entitled sleaze balls. All I can say is to have faith than there must be some good ones out there, but I bet your sick to the back teeth of hearing that, and I don’t blame you one bit!!!

I don't know if these are any good still but I went with a dating agency many moons ago and they were fab- all very nice, handsome, well-educated men, most looking for longer term relationships. It was fun dating, although tiring, and we just went for dinner and didn't need to do anything else unless you wanted to! It was expensive, but I figured if someone asked me if I'd pay a few thousand to be happily married with kids, I'd bite their hand off. I don't hear about them much on mumsnet and I think it depends if you live in a big city, but I might give it a whirl, just to up the quality of your dates- some sound really quite awful and trawling through is painful. I was a bit younger than you but met and married someone within a couple of years this way. I'm not going to tell you you can be happy on your own when you are on your own and you know what you want! Hope it works out for you.

Oh, OP, I could have written the same thing at many points over the past 4 years, and many friends in the same position. This year has been particularly hard for it, I think, as the dichotomy between single and not has widened. More and more of the things you do that make your life wonderful and rich have been paused or changed, and while couples with kids have had their own challenges it's small comfort.

Do give yourself a break from OLD for a little while - whether that's a couple of weeks or a couple of months. Think of it as essential maintenance. You have enough time for that. Good luck.

Try those professional match making sites. And the old adage is true, you'll find someone when you're not looking, so maybe in fact take a break from dating. And I'll get flamed for this but try visualisation, push out the negative thoughts and fill your mind with positive thoughts imagining what you want. It can't hurt, right? I've been there, others I know have too, and things worked out, don't give up hope!

Hi, a guys perspective here.
First of all lots of guys are settled at 35+
Equally those that are not are maybe not going to or have had a disaster of a relationship that has kept them away from dating.
I have lots of female friends who are in your situation. The one thing I will say about your story and theirs is that you are all out of practice on dating therefore you wont take risks, are looking for perfection and say no too fast. I hear my female friends- 'he's too short' 'he's not smart enough' etc
I am not saying you have to accept a total dud or engage with unwanted sexual overtures but maybe take the thick with the thin for a bit and see.
I also think online is the wrong place to look,post pandemic why not try sports. Hillwalking, volunteering, parkrun etc. Lots of sane guys there.
Online is a meatmarket.

Bumble, Tinder etc. seem very much downmarket to me although they work for some. Have you tried other dating sites like Classicsfm, The Guardian etc. if you're of that persuasion?

Hi OP. I can only say that I don’t think you’ve met the right person yet. The men you’ve provided as examples sound horrid; just be grateful they showed you who they were early on. And as for previous relationships & wishing you’d settled for them; they weren’t right for you either as they didn’t work out. You wouldn’t be happy in an unfulfilling relationship either so try and keep the past in the past.

Don’t take this the wrong way but are you perhaps trying too hard at the whole dating game? People often meet prospective partners through social events, casual nights out with friends or through hobbies. The problem with dating online is that you’re not meeting individuals in an organic way, so you do end up with a large number of people who just don’t “fit.”

Look for more natural opportunities to meet others. Socials, organised hobbies etc. And just take your foot off the gas. Things always seem to happen when you don’t go looking for it.

Im sorry to hear you are feeling rather low .However all those happy couples and fab foursomes (2x parents/2 kiddies) are just a snapshot of a day .They may have argued /had DC playing up whatever.You have to understand that many women would be envious of you too! You have done very well .Travelling ,buying a home and so on by yourself is a huge achievement .I understand you dont want to be alone but OLD dating is a bit of a minefield to say the least(DD has had similar experiences to you and has met a friend of a friend so to speak) Any one have some chums that are single maybe?Would you consider a lone single Father with children?Maybe someone a little older ? What about a plumber or someone like that .Just throwing ideas your way! Also most RL do take a lot of compromise ,and its not all holding hands and walks in the woods! Lots of "discussions" and mismatched moods as well ! My Friend married in her 40s and is very happy .Dont pine over lost BF they went west for a reason!

DD now dating friend I meant!

@Ori2021 yes I think I’m trying far too hard. It’s not that I don’t get dates and matches, I do, but most turn out to be nothing like they advertise. I feel under so much pressure. I’m good at hiding that whilst also communicating clearly what I’m looking for. So I’m almost certain I’m not pushing anyone away - it’s nearly always me who thinks great another sleazy message and moves on to the next. But behind closed doors and in bed at night I am terrified that time is passing and it’s the most awful feeling. Not only for a family as I wouldn’t want to do it alone at all but also that I don’t want to be alone for much longer. It gets harder all the time. It makes me so sad. If I was settled down i might have all other stresses and heartbreak ahead but at least I would id have had my chance at it all. I’m so done with putting on a brave face and pretending I’m not heartbreakingly lonely. Most friends other than very close ones who know I’m sad, comment that my life is so busy and I’m always out doing things. They’d have no idea how unhappy I am. I keep trying but it’s all pretty lonely.

Today for example I went for a walk to try and pass the time. I didn’t pass anyone walking alone. I felt even lonelier than if I had stayed in. I feel more and more like the odd one out. How can I walk through a giant park and see so many couples yet I’m still alone. It doesn’t seem fair. I’m trying and I’ve tried. The thought of another walk like this is depressing, sitting with my own thoughts again. The idea that this would be life forever is so shit. I know there’s some things I could do alone but I just want my teammate. I would put my all into it if given the chance.