How do I come to terms with this? Sounds silly but I’ve reached a wall.

[SunshineSetty]

I’ve reached my late thirties and I’m very very much single. People tend to assume when you crave a relationship that you have none of your own interests to distract you or you’re not very independent. Maybe compared to others that’s true as I’ve not done a survey, but my life has always been rammed full with plans and hobbies and travel. My career so far has got me a home and some stability. Yet I am heartbroken that I’m alone.

I’ve started having nightmares regretting breaking up with past flames who wanted me. Even though at the time I was so sure I didn’t want to be with them. Now I look back and think well at least I wouldn’t be alone. I don’t want a family alone, for me it’s about the companionship with it.

I’ve dated hard the last couple of years. I have met people and maybe should have settled, I don’t know. But whatever, I am now very much single, alone and exhausted with it.

In the last month I’ve had a man tell me I’m a prude because I didn’t want him to keep making low key sexual references ie I told him I’d had a lie in and he said I love it when you message me from bed ;-) another man I spoke to three times for hours at a time and when we were due to meet for a coffee (tier two days) he cancelled with no real explanation. Another called me bookish and dull because I declined coffee with him after he accused me of being a serial dater when I took more than 24 hours to reply to a message. Lots have asked if I would make them a kept man so they could give up work. Another said ‘oh a 37 year old on bumble, ouch’ as their opening line after we matched and I said hello.

I’ve tried all sorts of sites including paid ones. I even feel a little resentful to men in general at this stage. My last relationship of a year and a half ended when I found out he was on an illicit hook ups site and was chatting to female friends on Facebook telling them he was single...this is after I had just moved in. It materialised he had done the same to his ex.

I’m just so drained from it all and I know people meet others sometimes but for whatever reason I haven’t. I’ve had to watch everyone around me more in buy homes get married etc etc and I’m here alone and sad. None of it feels fun anymore. I don’t know how to come to terms with it? How do i stop pining for this life I longed for? Everywhere I go and everything I do I’m reminded of this gaping hole. I didn’t want to be alone. I never wanted this, I’m not someone who enjoys being strong and independent, I’ve just had no choice but to be that way. I honestly hate my life and I go over every night the relationships I didn’t feel much for and wish I had settled. I’m so unhappy.

Hi OP I know the loneliness. In my experience its a numbers game, using Bumble I might have to chat to several before I choose one for a date, then see whether we get on in person etc. I'm seeing someone now but I dated loads over the years.

I agree with PP not to rule anyone out too soon, often the men youre dating may be out of practice, make cheeky comments (like the bed one) and if you give them a witty response they may up their game. Men also want relationships, the only thing I've learned really is be ready for some compromise. Many of my married friends are deeply unhappy, I only know though because they have confided in me, to the world they look very content.

@SunshineSetty

@SunshineSetty your post resonates with me so much. You’re not alone.
My partner of 5 years dumped my over FaceTime (what a gent) coming up for 3 years now. I moved back home for the last year of the relationship as I had relocated for a new job. This was to save the faff of finding somewhere to live as he was due to follow me and we were to buy a place together. Suffice to say he dumped me having met someone else although swore blind there was no one else (I suppose the first lie is the hardest and after that it becomes easier). They have gone on to buy a house and have a child together. Things that I thought we were on course to do. As well as the immense heartbreak and hurt this caused (I had a nervous breakdown, fun times), I am now 38, remain living at home with my mother as I continue saving for a deposit (the amount I had previously saved for me to couple with my partner’s deposit was, suffice to say, not enough for one person to buy with).
My mother has health problems and I wonder sometimes if I will ever have a place of my own again (I would feel guilty leaving her now) let alone meeting someone else (which is not feasible when you live with your mum).
I don’t have anyone to share the load with, look after me when I’m ill etc etc (and I completely get if you are in a relationship with the wrong person you can still end up without this).
I am very lucky as I have more than a lot of people have in life and I count my blessings. However it’s like you say about going for a walk. I walk on my own. I holiday on my own, eat at restaurants on my own, go for coffee on my own, museums, galleries etc etc. (all of these when there isn’t a pandemic). I can probably count on one hand the amount of times I have seen one other lone walker/diner etc.
I too fear that time is/has run out to have children and who knows how/if I will ever meet anyone again.
All I will say is there is strength in the power of one. I rely on no one else and if I want anything doing, from furniture assembling to fixing a curtain rail, I crack on and do it myself. I don’t have my finances/belongings entangled with someone else’s, thus removing the complications it brings if the relationship breaks down. I have a goal in my head for the deposit etc and am nearly there and that spurs me on. At least I did not buy somewhere three years ago with someone who didn’t love or respect me. I don’t let being on my own stop me. I went on holiday hill walking in the Dales on my own but what I would have given to have been with chums or a partner, I can’t tell you. I don’t want a child on my own and like you it’s about being part of a team, companionship.
I too am unhappy about it and don’t have the answer (I have searched high and low, believe me). I know it’s better to be alone that in an unhappy relationship but I wonder why it has happened for others and not me. I miss choosing a film and snuggling up together. People will say enjoy having a long bath and being able to do what you want when you want, but I’ve had enough hot baths, book reading in bed etc to last a lifetime. I’d rather a little one was knocking on the bathroom door saying ‘mummy!’ repeatedly than the silence that I am currently met with. I can understand you and how none of this ‘you’ time makes up
for when your heart aches to hold your own baby and to have a lovely partner.
I do understand where you’re coming from, truly xx

Ps - do you have any hobbies where you might meet single straight men? Or where you make friends with single straight men?

Let it go. Stop the dating sites. You are trying too hard. I was once told to imagine a hand full of sand. The harder you hold on to it, the harder it is to hold on to it. You losen your grip and the sand becomes easy to hold.

All the suggestions to stop the dating sites are so unhelpful. I hate when people say you’ll find someone when you’re not looking. It’s utter bollocks. We’re in a pandemic. Where will she find someone if she comes off the dating sites?!

Could you try dating around an interest you have eg running
www.outdoorduo.co.uk/dating-for-singles-that-like-running.php?hp=1
or Christianity
www.christianconnection.com/c?source=adwords:search_intent:search:Christian_Connection_Exact:christian_dating_sites&gclid=EAIaIQobChMI75Kaybnv7QIVC4BQBh10XgPeEAAYASAAEgKPTPD_BwE
or even for teachers www.elitesingles.com/teacher-dating
or various sites for the military, police etc
May be some of those might be more relationship focussed than Bumble and the suchlike?

Discombo if no dating during lockdown is already a problem then there is obviously too much pressure. OP already starts resenting men ffs. In that kind of a situation, you obviously need to step back.
Also, I do think OP needs to shift her attitude. Many people live a life that did not give them something they really wanted. The happy ones refocused. Spending one‘s life browsing dating sites and kissing one frog after another is no way to live.

And, yeah, meeting people around an interest is a great idea. When I got obsessed with Rock climning, it all revolved around finding a ‚rope partner‘. Guys, girls no matter. As long as the person is trustworthy with the rope, and has time to do Route X on day Y you‘re good to go. You meet lots of people without any pressure. (I suppose tennis, golf, maybe music Could have a similar dynamic.) I already had a partner (who didn‘t climb) so I did not get a partner this way, but some of my friends did and it worked out very well. The quality of men (reliability, knowing what they want, no bullshitting) was also better than with guys whom you Apparently only meet because They are in search of a woman.

Honestly, you need to do two things - increase your organic potential to meet men in real life, and adjust your expectations

First off, get off the dating apps. They clearly aren’t working, so a break will only do you good.

Date younger - this way you’re more likely to meet a guy who wasn’t been snapped up yet

Finally, take up some man-oriented hobbies. A martial art or something like that. Ideally, you want to be the only hot lady at said activity.

Stay positive. Write out some positive thoughts each day. You sound a bit depressed. This could be putting potential guys off. It could also be making you think you don’t like someone, before you’ve given them a chance. So try to adjust your mindset a bit.

Good luck, and try to stay positive. You really don’t know what could be just around the corner.

It really is better to be alone than stuck in a crappy relationship. You know that you can be lonely in a marriage, don’t you ?
I’d love to have a home of my own - a house that is all mine.
I think you need to be proud of being an independent person with a career and a home you own. And be aware of giving yourself away to men who just want one thing. Save yourself for someone who is worth it 💐

I can really relate to your post.

I too am in a situation where creating a meaningful partnership/having a family unit seems out of reach. I'm 39.

I have also managed to buy a property on my own, which gives me a great sense of achievement and security, however evenings are extremely difficult and the weekends can be horrifically lonesome.

I have even tried the sperm donor route on my own this year, sadly the treatment didn't work as I have some medical issues, so if I were to try again, it'd be via the IVF route, which I'm undecided on due to the financial implications involved.

I too have also tried to confide in a close friend regarding how isolating, lonely and bleak it can all seem too often, unfortunately I've been met with either contrary comments about how relationships aren't all that cracked up to be , though of course nobody would want to swap their situation for my one, or that I need to be grateful for what I've got...

It's also an issue of not having strong support networks in place (family and/or a large group of friends) that exacerbates this feeling. Most people I know in this age group have created meaningful partnerships/families and that's what they focus a lot of their energies on, naturally.
The current pandemic has just compounded, in my case, what I was already experiencing previously.

I have dated - younger/older men - there appears to have always been an obstacle why these relationships couldn't "progress". From " too old/too young/ambivalence/not sure if they want children/", it's absolutely demoralising cycling in and out of these "relationships" only to come out at the other end having wasted even more time and feeling crushed by the process.

Having observed around me, most solid relationships seem to have gotten established when the individuals involved were in their 20s/late 20s/early 30s. Of course it is possible to meet someone later in life, but whether it's down to some unspoken "societal" expectations, these solid relationships tend to from my observation start earlier in life. I was married in my mid 30s but the relationship turned out to be very unsupportive and lacked common goals. I certainly remember feeling I had a sense of "direction" while being married, although paradoxically with the incompatible individual in the end.

I don't have much practical advice, I think it's a really tough situation to be in, and wanting something which "appears" to be available to others with ease.

@anthurium I’m so sorry to hear that you feel this way too and I’m equally sorry to hear that the sperm donor treatment didn’t work.
I agree that relationships and then children seem to come with ease to other people. Breaks my heart when people say things like ‘well thank your lucky stars you’re not up all night with a crying baby’. People think nothing of asking whether you have children and then when you say ‘no’, following it up with ‘did you not want any?’ It’s all I can do fight back tears. It must be so hard for you too.
I know what you mean about telling someone how you feel only to be told it isn’t all plain sailing for those in relationships. As you say, those people may be saying this but wouldn’t want to swap places with us. I often wonder what they would do if they didn’t have their partner and/or children and the friends that this has brought them. Would they really be throwing themselves in to joining social group after social group like they advise me to do?
Please chat on here if you’d like to. You’re not alone x

Thank you for all the posts.

@Joinedtosayhello and @anthurium your posts nearly made me cry. Especially the bit about the baths to last a lifetime, oh my gosh that’s one that really really gets to me. ‘Can’t remember the last time I had a bath in peace, think yourself lucky!’ Or... ‘it’s great being single you can have baths every night and read books and take up new hobbies.’ It’s absurd really as not one of these people had hobbies before they got married and they certainly don’t have wild any wonderful groups and interests now either. It also make me cross as there’s no way anyone would swap.

The thing that gets me most and from reading threads on here is when people jump to the idea that you need to ‘learn to be happy alone and learn to love yourself.’ Seriously just fuck off. I’m not completely happy because I’m alone and I am sad about that, just as you would be if your marriage broke down and you were on your own day and night! Nothing to do with not being happy with myself or not loving myself ffs. That one truly drives me mad and I can only hope it’s simply said with good intentions and people don’t realise how deluded and hypocritical they sound. If I have to be fantastically happy on my own before I meet someone then I don’t see it happening - and if I was, why would I be looking for anyone to share things with. Rant over

@SunshineSetty I think it would probably help if people were honest and said ‘I’m in a relationship so can’t say I know how you feel but I’m here if you want to talk’ rather than as ‘why not join a group’ and ‘try to stop looking for someone’ and the like. I know it is well-meaning but it is hard to meet people (even when there isn’t a pandemic happening). Dating can be soul-destroying and I don’t know about you but I’d rather not join a walking group with the main idea being there might be a decent single chap there.
I had a friend who wanted to be married and have a child. I was genuinely pleased when she met someone and went on to buy a house with him, have a child and get married. However there was no end of complaining from her after this. She was tired because her daughter was up all night, she had the house to worry about and they wanted to move but didn’t have the money, the wedding was over so there was nothing to look forward to, the honeymoon was over and so on. I honestly wanted to grab her by the lapels and open her eyes to what she did have! Two years previously she was single and all she wanted was all the things she had.
I’m not saying if I had a child I would never utter a word about being absolutely exhausted but to never find any pleasure in the situation just seemed madness to me. I could never fathom it and sadly she didn’t seem happy with her lot. I get it, the grass isn’t always greener but it’s hard to miss out on something you want so much for yourself and something which really, you don’t have a lot of control over. Even if you throw yourself in to everything and meet people you may not meet anyone and if you do, the feelings may not be reciprocal. It’s so hard and it’s a feeling of emptiness which, however hard you try to squash down, is always there. I try to do things to take my mind off it (as I’m sure you do) but there’s only so many flipping podcasts I can listen to and when you’re chucking your coat on for the billionth walk alone, it’s hard to push it to the back of your mind.
Humans like company. It’s in our nature. It’s easy to say to people try x or y but unless you have ever felt the isolation and loneliness, you can’t understand. As I said before, people suggest things with the very best of intentions but they are usually in a relationship so coming at it from a very different angle. As for ‘if you don’t love yourself no one else will’ I understand the sentiment but when you feel so low it’s hard. Again this is usually said by people who are in relationships and have other people who love them. I wonder if they felt so bereft whether they would find it in them to ‘love’ themselves.

@SunshineSetty forgot to say that these feelings are normal and you’re not being silly at all. When you aren’t where you want to be in certain elements of life, you can’t just accept it and move on.
It’s also not unusual to start feeling resentful towards chaps (some sort of mechanism to protect yourself) and yes, there are awful men out there, just as there are awful women and so it follows there are also good ones. Why we haven’t found any yet, I don’t know 🤷🏻‍♀️ but they do exist.
I don’t think it’s wrong of you to nip things in the bud (such as the ‘I like it when you message me from bed’) either. We’re often told at this age we must have standards that are too high if we haven’t met someone yet and we should lower them but I disagree. You’re looking for a decent partner, you’re not being finicky and saying their name must begin with ‘B’, they must be 6ft and have a blue car. If something doesn’t sit right with you, why not go with your feeling. People forget that whilst we are late 30s and single, we are also not willing to grab the first person going by and be with just anyone.

@SunshineSetty I went for a walk earlier and all I saw were happy families and smiling couples too. I was on my own, plugged into my music watching the world go by. You aren't alone believe me. I started over again at 41 (2 years ago) and there are nights I lie in bed thinking what if and think what I've lost.

You don't need to limit going out with just single friends, two of my most outgoing friends are happily married and happily come out with me. They have the confidence to go up to that guy I like and speak to them about me. I'm currently trying OLD and have no luck, one I really connected with wasn't in the right place to date (we are still in contact, he knows how to get hold of me if he does sort himself out).

Usually I have a packed diary (a friend told me to leave time to date) but this pandemic has made everything worse and only amplified what I don't have.

@Joinedtosayhello thanks for replying. I know it’s usually well meaning and I think it’s said almost with the wish they have that if they had spare time then they’d love to take up x y and z. That’s probably the grass is greener thing again from their perspective. I do the same as you with trying to distract myself..films, walks, drive to the coast, reading, working. The thing I’m finding hard is that there’s so much time pressure or so it feels. And joining a walk to meet a man to my mind is more desperate than endlessly swiping away on a site set up for dating. What makes me most sad is that there’s nothing I can really do about it. I’ve done the things I can do with dating and getting out there and it hasn’t happened. Maybe I missed my chance with past people and that’s something I struggle to deal with. I go over it a lot in my mind. How do you accept living a life you didn’t want? There is literally no activity or hobby or friendship that will replace that ache for a family home and partner, so where does that leave me? How do I accept it? I don’t know how to and that’s why there’s underlying angst and sadness all the time that I can’t seem to stamp out.

@Isitreally77 sorry to hear you are finding it hard too. On my walk earlier I had my headphones in and was watching the same thing. It was lonely but I had to get out of the house. At the moment I’m waking up in the night panicking and going over past relationships, waking up early and feeling so sad and alone. Then I fall back to sleep and it’s 11am before I’m up. I just hate everything. I know a man wouldn’t change my word and that’s on me, but I was happy with my life and hopeful I would find someone. Now I’m just sad and really don’t think it will happen, the hope has gone.

World not word

Don't give up. This year has been a washout for trying to meet people I'm sure.
I didn't meet my DH until I was 39. We've been together 7 years now and are happily married. The right one is out there for you. You didn't settle for others previously for good reason. If they had been right you'd have known.
I'd suggest coming off OLD for say 3 months and forgetting it all. I remember how soul destroying dating is and how you can't face talking to let alone meeting someone else and trying to impress or more than often trying to escape. Take a break then start again. He's out there

Thanks @wishywashywoowoo70 did you ever feel hopeless? I’m just so sad. I feel properly like the odd one out now...that’s obviously not the reason I want someone in my life but it adds to the sadness. I am scared for the future and I have images of dying alone...of course we all do even if married, I know that, but most people have someone to get older with. Not a guarantee but they have someone who has shared goals and shared future and someone to talk to when you’re worried about work or the boiler packs up. I feel bitter. I never used to be like this.

@SunshineSetty they are past relationships for a reason, one thing I have learnt is that we look back and remember the good times but ignore the reasons the relationships didn't work. I know exactly how you are feeling and I lie in my bed thinking how nice it would be to wake up and snuggle up to a man, it's lonely and I miss that sort of thing the most. The pandemic has made that loneliness worse as its stopped us doing our usual things so has given us time to concentrate more on it. I just have to keep believing he is out there looking for me and I'll find that man that will be perfect for me, the one that means I can be the sickening happy couple I see on my walks. We can't give up.

Look for younger guys. Guys your age who are still playing the field usually have all sorts of baggage. Lots of decent guys in late twenties and early thirties are happy to meet someone a few years older who is looking to settle down.

@SunshineSetty I think you’re spot on. People who have hectic family lives would love an hour to have a bath and a pamper/not have to be ferrying children to after school activities/having the in-laws over for dinner, so they suggest things that they would do if they had the time.
Completely understand the time pressure and sometimes people are rude and point out how you’d better hurry up because of your age. Why thank you. I had not realised (or perhaps I think about it countless times a day) but how lovely to point out that I am ageing and the menopause will soon be upon me.

I may sound ridiculous but I often wake up in the night in a blind panic, thinking what if this is it? I don’t have the answers as to how to stop going over past relationships but I do think if they were meant to be, they would have worked out. I know it’s not as simple as you reading that and thinking ‘ah yes I feel much better now, on I go.’ I think they ended for a reason. At low points, I think how I wasted years in relationships that amounted to nothing and wonder what the point wasting all those years was (despite being happy during them). I know that’s not healthy but like you, I don’t know how to think it’s in the past and let it go. I think if we were both in a happy place now, we wouldn’t give it a second thought.
As you say, you can’t swap out a family home and a partner for crocheting and mosaic making (sounds facetious but you take my point). It’s essentially a heartache that can only be filled by having those exact things and the joy they bring. Im afraid I don’t any answers (useful of me I know) and wish that you were happy and didn’t feel the same way as me x