How do I come to terms with this? Sounds silly but I’ve reached a wall.

[SunshineSetty]

I’ve reached my late thirties and I’m very very much single. People tend to assume when you crave a relationship that you have none of your own interests to distract you or you’re not very independent. Maybe compared to others that’s true as I’ve not done a survey, but my life has always been rammed full with plans and hobbies and travel. My career so far has got me a home and some stability. Yet I am heartbroken that I’m alone.

I’ve started having nightmares regretting breaking up with past flames who wanted me. Even though at the time I was so sure I didn’t want to be with them. Now I look back and think well at least I wouldn’t be alone. I don’t want a family alone, for me it’s about the companionship with it.

I’ve dated hard the last couple of years. I have met people and maybe should have settled, I don’t know. But whatever, I am now very much single, alone and exhausted with it.

In the last month I’ve had a man tell me I’m a prude because I didn’t want him to keep making low key sexual references ie I told him I’d had a lie in and he said I love it when you message me from bed ;-) another man I spoke to three times for hours at a time and when we were due to meet for a coffee (tier two days) he cancelled with no real explanation. Another called me bookish and dull because I declined coffee with him after he accused me of being a serial dater when I took more than 24 hours to reply to a message. Lots have asked if I would make them a kept man so they could give up work. Another said ‘oh a 37 year old on bumble, ouch’ as their opening line after we matched and I said hello.

I’ve tried all sorts of sites including paid ones. I even feel a little resentful to men in general at this stage. My last relationship of a year and a half ended when I found out he was on an illicit hook ups site and was chatting to female friends on Facebook telling them he was single...this is after I had just moved in. It materialised he had done the same to his ex.

I’m just so drained from it all and I know people meet others sometimes but for whatever reason I haven’t. I’ve had to watch everyone around me more in buy homes get married etc etc and I’m here alone and sad. None of it feels fun anymore. I don’t know how to come to terms with it? How do i stop pining for this life I longed for? Everywhere I go and everything I do I’m reminded of this gaping hole. I didn’t want to be alone. I never wanted this, I’m not someone who enjoys being strong and independent, I’ve just had no choice but to be that way. I honestly hate my life and I go over every night the relationships I didn’t feel much for and wish I had settled. I’m so unhappy.

Happiness comes from within, not from a man, sounds like your trying to hook up with men to stop your loneliness, but clearly it's not making you happy.

You want the chance to have what you haven't got. It's really not unreasonable to want that

To have what you want , you'll need to make compromises and to a degree , settle

It's very doable Imo and it's what you want right now

But you need to open your horizons from simply the OLD route.

Many good suggestions above

Another one in this club- we should all do zoom wine!!

I think you're online dating at the wrong end of the tree. So much dead wood to chop out to find the best bits.

I'd suggest a matchmaking service as opposed to dating service. Where someone personally gets to know you, and your desires, interests, personality etc, and matches you with someone more suited to your needs and wants. Not cheap, but I would consider a good investment and save you a lot of time effort.

This one, for example, www.thematchmaker.uk/ was started by a friend of a friend because she couldn't find the perfect gentleman date (she has now and is very happy) . I know she's been doing well with her service as she updates my friend on her (many) successful matches.

@SunshineSetty

Thanks *@wishywashywoowoo70* did you ever feel hopeless? I’m just so sad. I feel properly like the odd one out now...that’s obviously not the reason I want someone in my life but it adds to the sadness. I am scared for the future and I have images of dying alone...of course we all do even if married, I know that, but most people have someone to get older with. Not a guarantee but they have someone who has shared goals and shared future and someone to talk to when you’re worried about work or the boiler packs up. I feel bitter. I never used to be like this.

I don't think I felt hopeless and sad just kind of felt I was missing a part. I used to go out with my friend who was married to my local or her house as meeting people out wasn't my thing. Eventually met DH at a concert.

I completely get it. I could have written your post at any time over the past 4 years. Unexpectedly I am now in a relationship but if /when this ends I will be back in the same position, just older.

Ignore people telling you they'd love the freedom of being single. If they wanted it that much, they would be single. Doesn't mean you mustn't want a relationship.

Fair enough, appreciate what you have when you have, make the most of your freedom as far as is possible at present. Consider what it is you think you'd get from a romantic relationship and how far you get/could get that from other relationships - sex, companionship, affection, confidences, whatever - but that doesn't mean you aren't entitled to pine for hope for, a fulfilling 1:1 romantic relationship.

Just wanted to say that I feel for you. DH and I have a friend in this situation- such a nice, decent person with a lot going for them. Having talked to them at length about OLD, it sounds exhausting and to be honest, I think I would struggle to know where to start with meeting someone now. I hope this doesn’t sound smug because it genuinely isn’t! Life is unfair sometimes and you must feel very alone and thoroughly fed up. You sound lovely and I hope you find someone

I’m in the same boat OP. Only three years younger than you. Only advice is to keep going

Ariela thanks for the suggestion!

In the same situation OP.

Early 40s, battle scarred and heart sore from online dating and relationships I thought would last going toxic.

I have been grateful for the pandemic in a way as it gave me a reason to come off OLD without everyone telling me I had to stick at it or be alone forever.

Some days I am at peace with being alone potentially long term. Other days it’s like fresh grieving for a life I will never have.

Those with no experience of this loneliness or longing who are quick to jump in with ‘stop trying so hard/being so picky’, ‘love yourself first’, ‘join a group/enjoy your baths’ or ‘settle for whoever will have you’ make it so much worse but I think are doing it from a place of assuming that if they found themselves single it would be so much easier for them to find someone than it actually is.
Or that they will never be single again. Both very shaky places to make such confident assumptions from.

I’d rather someone acknowledge that it’s hard and lonely and painful than patronise me with suggestions they themselves would never do.

I don’t have anything to add by way of solutions but to everyone who is in the same boat - I see you, I hear you and I feel your pain.
to us all!

Completely understand. I was the same for 4-5 years until I finally met my DP on online dating last year. I’d get so fed up with it and had to have breaks a lot, there’s so many naff profiles to get through. I was literally about to have a break and delete my profile again when my now DP popped up, I just got extremely lucky in the numbers game. I’ve got friends who’ve been on it for years.

I know the comments about friends saying they’d love to have time for a bath/read/time to theirselves etc. I remember one day pre-Christmas after meeting with friends, they were all excitedly talking about Christmas plans with their other halves/families. One friend was in process of moving and made a comment along the lines of she was glad she temporarily moved in with family because she couldn’t have coped living alone until DP could join her. I reminded her I live alone she cope and they were all “oh but you’re so good at being on your own!” - erm, I don’t really have a choice do I? I went home to my empty home after and cried for about an hour.

People don’t understand at all. You get told “stop trying and the right one will come along!” (an absolute joke) and I had hobbies that kept me busy and made me meet lots of people, none of them were suitable single men.

It’s really bloody tough and all I can say is don’t stop trying. I always remember someone saying the likelihood of you being alone for the rest of your life is actually quite low, so for now just keep plodding on as best you can.

@HarrietOh thanks. I have so many down days and the loneliness can feel truly crushing. Today it snowed and so many photos of families out together and when I went for a walk again full of people. It scares me to think about the future and I have so little energy to invest in a future relationship as I just don’t see it being possible anymore! And yes the whole have a bath, enjoy alone time wears so thin!

The recent thing for me that I’ve found hard is that friends saying they’re enjoying lockdown cosy in the house with loved ones. Saying they are quite content as it is. It’s hard to hear that though I can understand they feel that way.

Right now I’m sat in my office chair wondering what the hell I do tonight. It’s so shit. This forum has become a place to moan and feel understood with others in a similar boat, thank you all

Sorry but I've not had chance to read the entire thread but I read your OP and it resonated with me (although this year is even more tough because of Covid). In 2012 I send a message to a friend that was so similar to yours, 2 weeks later I sent her a message saying that I was going on a date and would she be available to be my 'safety net' if it was awful (which I expected it to be). We are now very happy, together for 8 years, both in our 40's with an amazing 20 month old.
I know it's cheesy but I wanted you to know that sometimes things really do catch you unawares. My OH is the least likely of all of my dates ever that I thought that I'd settle with (I rejected many more 'suitable' men) but he and I plus our little man are everything that I wanted without even knowing what I was looking for.

Keep your mind open, keep searching and I hope that you find happiness.

I feel the same @SunshineSetty - many of my friends have said how lovely lockdown has been, which I imagine it has been with having more time with partners and children. For me it’s like Groundhog Day. Working from home, daily walk, dinner, bath, bed, repeat to fade. I’ve had to use up my annual leave so am currently off with no one to see and no where to go.
If I do want to plan anything for when we can travel, I know I’ll be doing it alone as most of my friends are coupled up and any holidays they take are with their partner.
As you say, it’s hard to have the energy to invest in a relationship. For me it’s a worry about it going wrong again although I know I can’t tar every man with the same brush. I think I would tread very carefully due to past experience.
If I was 10 years younger I wouldn’t worry as much and I think if times were normal, having the hustle and bustle of work in an office, meeting with people for a drink after work, it would take my mind off it too.
So often when I do go somewhere or do something alone, I think I’ll have no one to share the memories without. I can’t turn to a partner and say ‘remember when we went to x and saw such and such’. It’s so sad.
Have you decided what to do this evening yet?

@MissSmith80 your post made me tearful and gives me hope. I’m so pleased you are happy with your partner and son.
May I ask if you met through OLD?

Thank you @MissSmith80 so nice to read!

@Joinedtosayhello that’s exactly how I feel. A massive thing for me is sometimes I sit and think oh my gosh anyone I meet now will never have known me in my teens, twenties, etc for huge chunks of my life, basically. That makes me so sad. No memories with anyone and at the moment no future with anyone. My much much younger sibling has been with her partner a long time and they often reminisce about holidays from years ago and it just blows my mind and makes me realise this gaping hole I have in my life. I have zero of that. The worst thing at the moment is waking up early and in the middle of the night and quite literally feeling paralysed with fear. I get you on the work front...I am embarrassed to say I’ve elected to work over Christmas fronting it out as if I want to help out. I don’t, really, I’m just so scared of those mornings where I wake up and it’s just emptiness. Wow I’m a ray of sunshine aren’t I... wrong username for this sort of depressing post

No idea about tonight. Might go to the supermarket and try and watch something. Everyday feels like this and it is so hard to carry on sometimes. How are you today and what are you doing tonight?

Completely get that paralysed with fear in the night feeling. I just pretend to people I’m ok as anytime I say how much it worries me, they come back with ‘don’t be silly’ and I know they are trying to cheer me up but let’s face it, pushing 40 and being alone when you don’t want to be isn’t the most relaxing thing to think about in the dead of night. It’s about support too I think. Do you find that? I have a bad day at work or a day where things keep going wrong. I don’t have anyone to so much make me a cup or tea, let alone chat to about it. I remember when I’ve been in relationships it’s been nice to have someone run me a bath and then watch a film together and it helps having a nice end to a bad day and it’s been nice to do that for my partner too if they’ve been feeling down.
I don’t blame you for working between Xmas and New Year. At least it fills the days (I’m bringing an Eeyore spirit to my depressing post!)
At least a wander around the supermarket will get you out the house and you may find something that takes your fancy for dinner. Will you watch something on Netflix? I’m ok thanks. Having a particular blue day today but thanks for asking. Just feels like nothing will ever change and on bad days I think about my ex and how horrid he was to me, then how he landed on his feet with the whole package. It’s a sense of not having moved on. I think if I bumped in to him or his family now and they asked what I was doing, there’s been no change. If anything, I’ve regressed. Done well at work but I’ve had to move back home and am looking after my mum. Whereas I’d love to bump in to him with my husband and young family! Oh to get out of my head and away from my thoughts for an hour...

Sorry forgot to answer your q about what I’m doing tonight @SunshineSetty
It’s an exciting one - food shop being delivered and then I think I may watch some tv on catch up. There’s a programme about Chatsworth that looks good.

I wasn't sure whether to post as I'm post marriage and kids, rather than not having had them at all. But I can relate to the crushing loneliness. Especially during lockdown. I felt extremely lonely and unhappy in my marriage and exh couldn't support me emotionally at all, but it's easy to forget that and wonder if I did the right thing leaving (I did). I find that society is set up for couples/families and there are reminders everywhere that being single is seen as not normal - it's impossible to buy nice food for one person for example! Going out to work has saved me during the pandemic although I was wfh during the first lockdown and found it really hard when I didn't have the kids every other week.

I won't give trite platitudes about the right one being out there etc, but I have worked on learning to accept those intolerable feelings so that the present is a bit less difficult to get through. I'm actually seeing someone now; I'm not sure it's right for me, but there's that worry of is this as good as it gets? And my married friends really don't get the loneliness and the hours of being able to do what you like, but having enough of that!

Humans are, in the main, not designed to be alone, so it's completely natural to want a partner. All we can do sometimes is get through the present moment

@Misty9 what lovely kind words, thank you. I’m sorry to hear that you struggled so much with loneliness whilst married. You hit the nail on the head with thoughts of ‘is this as good as it gets?’ and yes, I often feel the world is built for two! As you say, a one person meal is not usually that palatable and when you go online to book a hotel, the number of adults is pre-populated with two, then you get a single supplement and so on and so forth. I suppose all we can do is take one day at a time as you say. There’s no easy solution.
May I ask how you worked on it to try and make it more tolerable? The more time wears on, I feel such an ache of loneliness and isolation. It is getting worse as i get older.

I think I learnt to distance myself from very strong feelings a bit, sit next to them rather than drown in them if that makes sense? How I did that? Mindfulness, as clichéd as it sounds, has helped. Getting out into nature really helps, having good friends and turning to them too. And music. Oh, and a lot of therapy! I've been lucky to be able to afford private systemic therapy that looks at patterns of relating to people in my life. Messed up childhood yadda yadda.

I have gained peace of mind since leaving my marriage and, although I know I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life, I also know (on better days!) that I'm okay, just as I am. But, I have my kids too and I think that helps. I really struggled with motherhood, still do sometimes, but I definitely feel less purposeful and structured when they're not here. TV is shite at the moment too! This bloody pandemic is making existing issues waay bigger but hopefully an end is in sight

This 👇

I don’t know what’s happened to men, but there seems to be a sea of immature, time wasting, entitled sleaze balls.

I'm 58 OP and since I decided I didn't want men in my life any more the buggers are swarming.
Its as if they enjoy pursuing someone who has zero interest in them. They don't get anywhere.
maybe that's the answer, treat them with no interest and even contempt. You might have more luck.

@Joinedtosayhello sorry you had a blue day. I get you on the ex moving in front. Similar thing happened to one of mine, he has it all and it feels even more like I’m left behind. Makes me question lady break ups and I wish I had stayed sometimes.

Been wide awake most of the night things feel very tough right now. Just realised I face the next five days alone before work starts again and I honestly have no idea how I will manage. I’m so low. Feeling hurt that some friends seemingly don’t recognise I’m so alone but then again I tend to keep it to myself and put on a front. I really don’t want to face the day, what’s the point.

Previous, not lady breakups!!

@SunshineSetty I'm sorry you're feeling so low. It's especially tough at the moment with everything being shut. Sorry if this has already been asked, but are you in a support bubble? Are you close to your family (emotionally/geographically?)