How do I come to terms with this? Sounds silly but I’ve reached a wall.

[SunshineSetty]

I’ve reached my late thirties and I’m very very much single. People tend to assume when you crave a relationship that you have none of your own interests to distract you or you’re not very independent. Maybe compared to others that’s true as I’ve not done a survey, but my life has always been rammed full with plans and hobbies and travel. My career so far has got me a home and some stability. Yet I am heartbroken that I’m alone.

I’ve started having nightmares regretting breaking up with past flames who wanted me. Even though at the time I was so sure I didn’t want to be with them. Now I look back and think well at least I wouldn’t be alone. I don’t want a family alone, for me it’s about the companionship with it.

I’ve dated hard the last couple of years. I have met people and maybe should have settled, I don’t know. But whatever, I am now very much single, alone and exhausted with it.

In the last month I’ve had a man tell me I’m a prude because I didn’t want him to keep making low key sexual references ie I told him I’d had a lie in and he said I love it when you message me from bed ;-) another man I spoke to three times for hours at a time and when we were due to meet for a coffee (tier two days) he cancelled with no real explanation. Another called me bookish and dull because I declined coffee with him after he accused me of being a serial dater when I took more than 24 hours to reply to a message. Lots have asked if I would make them a kept man so they could give up work. Another said ‘oh a 37 year old on bumble, ouch’ as their opening line after we matched and I said hello.

I’ve tried all sorts of sites including paid ones. I even feel a little resentful to men in general at this stage. My last relationship of a year and a half ended when I found out he was on an illicit hook ups site and was chatting to female friends on Facebook telling them he was single...this is after I had just moved in. It materialised he had done the same to his ex.

I’m just so drained from it all and I know people meet others sometimes but for whatever reason I haven’t. I’ve had to watch everyone around me more in buy homes get married etc etc and I’m here alone and sad. None of it feels fun anymore. I don’t know how to come to terms with it? How do i stop pining for this life I longed for? Everywhere I go and everything I do I’m reminded of this gaping hole. I didn’t want to be alone. I never wanted this, I’m not someone who enjoys being strong and independent, I’ve just had no choice but to be that way. I honestly hate my life and I go over every night the relationships I didn’t feel much for and wish I had settled. I’m so unhappy.

@Aspiringmatriarch thanks for your lovely post. I see another single friend sometimes but she’s not that close geographically. Close to family again not geographically but even talking with them doesn’t make it better. It’s all just trying to cope rather than be happy. I don’t want to be on my own. I get defensive when people suggest I should take advantage of being independent and single (I know you’ve not said that), because I am independent, from the outside I’m successful and chatty. It feels like I’m drowning inside.

Sorry to hear you're feeling so low @SunshineSetty it's a hard time of year normally, let alone in a pandemic. I can relate to that feeling of drowning and I find getting into nature is sometimes the only thing that shifts my mindset. Try to let your actions dictate your mood rather than the other way round, just for today at least. Maybe try labelling your fear so you can observe it and not let it have so much power - e.g. Oh look, there's my fear of being alone again. I hope that doesn't sound patronising... It should help put some distance between you and your thoughts, which can make them feel more tolerable. It's bloody shit and hard sometimes this life though can you reach out to a friend?

@SunshineSetty thank you, that is kind. I feel the same and also put on a cheery front. I went to a friend’s wedding not long after my ex had split up with me and periodically was popping to the loo to cry. My friend shared a photo a few weeks later of me laughing and said ‘you look so happy’ but I did it for them. I didn’t want to ruin their day or not turn up. They never acknowledged how hard it was for me to go and to go alone (especially as the invite had mine and my ex’s name on). I was one of only two single people there. Brutal.
I know it’s easy to revisit past breakups and dwell on them but they happened for a reason and whatever the decision, it was right at that moment of time. We have a tendency to see things that happened in the past through rose-tinted specs which isn’t helpful. I keep thinking about my ex, what he is doing with his family and about where we used to live. I know it’s not healthy but if I am honest I am deeply unhappy, so my thoughts naturally gravitate towards that.
I understand about the days ahead without work. I feel the same. When you have had months of working from home and nowhere to go at weekends (plus copious weekends and evenings on your own even before the pandemic), you’ve listened to all the podcasts, caught up on all the films and books, exercised, cooked, baked, cleaned the cupboards out. Really what is left to do? It’s fine curling up with a book and a cup of tea when you don’t get much time on your own but when all you have is time on your own, it doesn’t feel pleasurable at all.
Do you often have trouble sleeping?
Whereabouts are you? I’m in the south east.

I know it's not much comfort but you left those guys for a reason: they were not for you. Being unhappily married is a slow and cruel kind of torture and can feel much more lonely than a single life packed with interesting activities.

Hi there, I’m another in my late thirties and feeling the loneliness of it all. I went several days this week without speaking out loud except to Alexa and my own voice surprised me!
One part I found particularly difficult was actually when the lockdown lifted briefly over the summer, everyone was talking about their plans see friends and family and go on trips, but no one was jumping at the chance to see me. Everyone has their own priorities, which really are understandable, but it leaves me feeling very lonely. The best I had was friends asking me to babysit so they could go for dinner with their husbands. When I spoke to the doctor because I couldn’t stop crying, their unhelpful suggestion was to try evening classes or going to church (without finding out if I’m religious) 😔

Hello @CloudTrees, the thing with the GP sounds like another ‘have a lovely long bath and read and a book’ scenario. People just don’t ‘get’ it unless they have been through or are going through it. If it was that simple, we’d be in the bath every bloody night with a book!
I was the same when lockdown lifted. I only have two single friends who both suffer with social anxiety so they can never do much. When everyone was eating out to help out, I had no one to go with as naturally people wanted to go out with their families. I do know how you feel.

I just wanted to thank all the posters; this thread has really been helpful in making my feelings recognised, and in particular to @SunshineSetty for starting the thread.

I echo a lot of the sentiments written on here because at one point I was questioning my own sanity: my 'coping mechanisms' and 'resilience', having dared to voice my feelings to an individual who is happy and settled emotionally, and personally has never experienced a high degree of ongoing isolation, loneliness and lack of emotional fulfilment. You simply aren't allowed to make others feel 'uncomfortable' about your situation, it was a reminder and that 'incident' has now changed the tone of our interaction to superficial topics only.

And I also relate to the feelings of dread about the future, very much so, not knowing if this status quo (single & childless) is something I really ought to get to grips with - no idea how, in emotional terms.

A lot of posters have stated that they are independent/rely on themselves to realise their practical needs and wants, and that's fantastic! It's the emotional fulfilment which we seem to be struggling with that comes from an intimate relationship - a good, secure one, with maybe a possibility of building own family unit - and the temptation for some to reminisce about past relationships. No amount of "consumption" via activities, I feel, can alone replace intimate human relationships.

Has anyone had experience of Gateway Women network (set up in mind for childless women predominantly)? I'm curious if this has been of help to anyone?

I’m so sorry OP. I know it’s probably no help, but I used to feel hopeless. I used to wake up in the night in a panic, because my life was so terribly wrong. I used to walk for hours round London at the weekend because I had nothing else to do, or take a pointless day trip somewhere and feel just as lonely when I got there. And I sobbed and sobbed in private when every single one of my nephews and nieces was born, or announced, or expected.

Please don’t give up hope. I met my husband when I was 40. We have a daughter. It can happen.

Hey @CloudTrees - sorry you had such an unhelpful GP. Mine offered me antidepressants!

I do wonder if anyone who says ‘go to an evening class’ has ever actually been to an evening class - any I’ve been to have been 10 women to 1 man!

@CloudTrees oh my gosh your post was like reading my thoughts. I have felt that a lot today. Had half a day off work and wanted to go for a walk but of course everyone is busy and doing things with partners etc. I feel embarrassed texting sometimes as I know and do understand that I’m not a priority for their bubble. And I know it’s not their fault I’m alone. It’s a scary feeling though that you go home alone and to bed alone and wake up alone...continually. It really does come down to the fact that you cannot truly get it unless you’ve experienced it. I imagine it’s similar to being in lockdown for the elderly - we’ve all had a taste of that now and nobody likes being housebound to they! Yet before now, loneliness in the elderly was recognised but hardly made a fuss about. I also think those who have had to see less people and cut back on seeing family etc have had a much bigger shock than I have. I can honestly say that the lockdowns have simply sharpened the pain a little...but the pain was always there. My life was a lonely lockdown every night before this. It’s interesting seeing those married people expressing how hard they are finding it. I wonder how they’d feel if I said have another bath you’ll be fine

The GP advice is the exact same shit you hear from people in relationships. Though really they should have some better insight into ways to help I cry most days, that’s become normal for me.

@DuchessOfDoombar I’ve been to a few and you’re right, never any men! Then the advice is to take up bouldering or wrestling...sounds great downs it

*doesnt it

@anthurium yes it’s absolutely the emotional aspect. That’s the bit I sometimes (maybe unfairly) take offence to - it’s almost as if saying you’re lonely and sad and want a partner means that you can’t possibly be independent or ok with who you are and grateful for what you’ve got. Ahhh I find it so insulting! I earn good money and don’t need a man thanks, I’d just really like one and to share a happy home.

I’ve not read that book but also interested to hear what others think who have.

@anthurium network not book!!!

@NoNarniaBecauseLipstick thanks for your post. May I ask how you dealt with the panic in the night? I’m finding it exhausting. I barely sleep some nights and I just lie there frozen in fear. Its strange as it’s (usually) better when I’ve woken up and it’s the day but in the night it feels like the world is closing in on me. I wake up in full on panic mode, tears, deep deep sadness and have the most horrible thoughts and go over past relationships.

I love that you have your family and it truly is amazing to read that someone has been where I am and it did change. I feel utterly and completely hopeless. So thank you. I also get the tears with the announcements. I have huge anxiety in work calls now as I know any announcement would just push me into a pit. Makes me sound awful doesn’t it but I’ve just come to the end of the road with being able to put on a brave face.

@Joinedtosayhello that wedding sounds so hard and it says a lot about you that you got through it and shared in her happiness. Some people never have to even know the weight of having to do that.

Yep totally get the fact that you can only read so many books or listen to so may podcast and have so many baths... it all dries up before long (pardon the pun). I’m dreading tier four as I honestly don’t think I can handle literally not seeing anyone. My friends don’t live that close to me and even if we met for a walk it would be once a week. Going for weeks without being able to distract yourself in a shop or getting a coffee and being around just anyone else...im not sure how i will cope. It’s been too much now and too long.

Thank you @Misty9 I will try that tonight!

@CloudTrees the Alexa comment...it is awful going through the day having no real life conversation with anyone. It’s something used in torture and isolation in prisons overseas. Fun!

Hello sunshine

I certainly don't have all the answers for you as here I am, 46 and still single, but I felt like you in my 30s and kind of came to a decision. Basically, I decided to have children without waiting for Mr Right. So, to cut a long story short, I ended up having babies with two Mr Wrongs, and now have my own little family unit.

I hate the threads on here where posters are ripped to bits for having DC with men who are anything less than perfect- for so many of us it's either that or childlessness. You think we haven't fucking tried- for years, nay, decades- to find one of these elusive "decent" men?

Friends wise, I struggled, for years. All I can say is, seek out the other weirdos . OK, you might not be weird, but being bodyswerved by smug couples is definitely a thing. Keep an eye out for the other singles/ idiosyncratic people and befriend them. I made loads of new friends through getting involved in eco activism. (you don't have to be into that, but I reckon community oriented stuff is the best for, well, building your community).

So, I never got that perfect husband and children scenario (and is it always that perfect? I certainly know a lot of women putting up with a lot of shit to maintain that facade), but I've managed to kind of cobble together a satisfying existence from scraps, as it were...

(there is also usually plenty of male companionship happening. Ideally I would like a LTR, but in lieu of that hookup sites and friends with benefits are enjoyable)

@SunshineSetty would you believe I have tried both bouldering and wrestling AND woodworking and STILL women outnumbered men!

I once did an art history course and the first class was filled to the rafters with women dressed to the absolute nines, clearly hoping the class would be swarming with eligible men. There were two men plus the lecturer - 2 gay and one older than god himself. On week 2 only half of the women showed up again!

I would say that a single woman over the age of 35 is more likely to meet an eligible man swimming in the plughole of one of the endless baths we should be enjoying than at a nightclass!

An earlier poster said it can go either way. In my mid thirties, I had 3 friends in a similar situation to me/you. I think determination, persistence, thinking creatively has finally got me a lovely family life (I had my second child aged 46 via an egg donor. I went on every dating site, lots of dating events, social events, joined groups, exercised - and had lots of knocks and spiteful comments. I had to steel myself - and I was always completely upfront about what I wanted. I finally met someone through at my sisters birthday party - and although no immediate fireworks, I knew he was nice. And he has been my absolute rock ever since. 2 of my other friends remain single in their forties - I think they want ‘fireworks’. My other friend got married, but to someone who didn’t want children (she did and this has caused her a lot of upset). It can happen, but you need to go for it, ignore the knocks, reject the horrible ones -the most important quality is kind/nice. When you get the awful comments (I had some truly appalling things said to me via online dating) strike them off - it’s no reflection on you, they are simply not nice guys, and not good enough for you. Good luck! Xx

Oh and lots of single older guys tend to work in tech or are software engineers - and gather in pubs on a Friday night near their workplace (in non-Covid times)

This thread resonates.

I'm late 30s and think I have accepted I'll never be in another relationship which makes it a little easier. I've also gotten used to the daily sadness - when there are few peaks of happiness it becomes the norm and again in a strange way I find that easier to live with.

I mean what is the alternative?

@SunshineSetty

How are you getting on Op?

It's almost a year since you last posted....

no advice as never used online dating sites, only guys ive really dated have come from video games 🤔 BUT i wouldnt really fo near anyone id met on tinder bumble etc, I just find it a bit cringe but some people have found proper relationships from there. honestly i would maybe join a club orrr juat try going out with a friend and meeting someone out or do what i did to find my husband... Play games 😂 although ive been playing video games since I was a child but its gotten me some really great bfs in the past and now a husband i love