I’ve reached my late thirties and I’m very very much single. People tend to assume when you crave a relationship that you have none of your own interests to distract you or you’re not very independent. Maybe compared to others that’s true as I’ve not done a survey, but my life has always been rammed full with plans and hobbies and travel. My career so far has got me a home and some stability. Yet I am heartbroken that I’m alone.
I’ve started having nightmares regretting breaking up with past flames who wanted me. Even though at the time I was so sure I didn’t want to be with them. Now I look back and think well at least I wouldn’t be alone. I don’t want a family alone, for me it’s about the companionship with it.
I’ve dated hard the last couple of years. I have met people and maybe should have settled, I don’t know. But whatever, I am now very much single, alone and exhausted with it.
In the last month I’ve had a man tell me I’m a prude because I didn’t want him to keep making low key sexual references ie I told him I’d had a lie in and he said I love it when you message me from bed ;-) another man I spoke to three times for hours at a time and when we were due to meet for a coffee (tier two days) he cancelled with no real explanation. Another called me bookish and dull because I declined coffee with him after he accused me of being a serial dater when I took more than 24 hours to reply to a message. Lots have asked if I would make them a kept man so they could give up work. Another said ‘oh a 37 year old on bumble, ouch’ as their opening line after we matched and I said hello.
I’ve tried all sorts of sites including paid ones. I even feel a little resentful to men in general at this stage. My last relationship of a year and a half ended when I found out he was on an illicit hook ups site and was chatting to female friends on Facebook telling them he was single...this is after I had just moved in. It materialised he had done the same to his ex.
I’m just so drained from it all and I know people meet others sometimes but for whatever reason I haven’t. I’ve had to watch everyone around me more in buy homes get married etc etc and I’m here alone and sad. None of it feels fun anymore. I don’t know how to come to terms with it? How do i stop pining for this life I longed for? Everywhere I go and everything I do I’m reminded of this gaping hole. I didn’t want to be alone. I never wanted this, I’m not someone who enjoys being strong and independent, I’ve just had no choice but to be that way. I honestly hate my life and I go over every night the relationships I didn’t feel much for and wish I had settled. I’m so unhappy.