Spoilt DH

[Lightspark]

I know that this is going to come across to some like I'm some sort of money grabber, but please hear me out...
So, DHs family are quite wealthy, mine are not, which is all fine.
DH has had issues in the past around seeing us as equals financially because he earns more than I do after I reduced to part-time working after DCs were born. It caused a lot of arguments.
DHs parents will often give DH gifts of money which appear not meant for me to receive which has definitely not helped matters!
My inlaws really aren't helping this situation at all in terms of us being treated as equals when each year we're handed our own individual gift bag and envelope for christmas.
Each year, DH opens an envelope to hundreds of pounds and a gift bag containing a few expensive gifts. My bag usually contains some nice smelling soap, hand cream and a bottle of prosecco along with an envelope with probably 1/6 of the amount of money that DH receives.
My issue isn't that I think they should give me more (and I know people will accuse me of otherwise but this is the truth). My issue is that, whilst they treat us very unequally at christmas, my family treat us exactly the same. We receive similar gifts and always joint envelopes of money.
It's because my family do things so differently, I think that it really highlights the inequality between DH and I when we receive our gifts from his parents.
I think he is extremely spoilt and it just isn't helping the way he sees me, when they treat us so differently. They spent almost £1000 on him for his recent birthday (they told me this quite openly) and although they are (in my opinion) very generous in the amount they give to me (not comparing to what DH is given), I think that they have created unintentionally, a very spoiled and financially entitled DH.
This did not become clear until after we were married and probably until after DC1 was born.

1. I'm wondering if I'm being the unreasonable one here?
2. How do your parents/inlaws treat you and your spouse when it comes to gift giving?

Just to add that although the gifts from DHs parents do not appear to be for me, they're aware that they are used for joint items (like our family car), but they then go out of their way to refer to it as "DHs car" whenever they see me driving it.

Of course they treat you differently, he’s their son.
You sound very envious, rude & greedy.
Sorry, but you do and it’s really none of your business what they buy.
Does he share his money with you? Do you ask him to?

Neither side here gives envelopes filled with cash so I find this hard to understand.

Would you be happier working full time?

Would you be happier getting a divorce? You don’t seem to like him at all.

I think you need to stop thinking about your in laws as being the issue here. If you have a "spoilt and financially entitled DH" then that's the issue, not his parents. Yes his parents may be a factor in that but he's a grown adult and old enough to know better.

I would never expect my parents to give my DP money, or vice versa, and would find it very strange if they did. We've both been given different pots of money at different times (inheritance) and it doesn't negatively affect our relationship as we're very open about it and clear with what we'd like to do with it.

It sounds as though you need to have a chat with your DH about this. Does he realise that as a married couple you are financial equals and everything you own is a shared asset?

I think saying they have created a very spoiled DH is a bit of a strange way of putting things. He isn't 5 years old. He is an intelligent adult man and if he chooses to see family finances in an unfair way that's on him.

So what do you want them to do? Give him less money at Christmas to stop you feeling jealous? Or you want him to share it with you?

DH gets better presents from his mum than she gives me. I get better presents from my parents than they give DH. I think that is fine.

He does share it with her. It seems to be two separate issues. PILs giving their son more cash than OP and her, normal. And financial imbalance in the marriage as a result of OP working pt and mutual resentment as a result.

I've been in this situation, though there were never any generous cash gifts coming from my family and as hard as it is to admit I was jealous and threatened by it. It's not that I thought I should get the same as him at all but it was hard to stomach watching him receive large sums of money that I knew wouldn't be contributed to the family budget (at least your DH does that!) and see him consistently being better off than me. Also difficult to see him being treated with generosity when no one ever did that for me. I think it's perfectly normal to feel this way but needs to be fought as it's not pleasant. I think you're covering up your envy by saying it's because he's becoming spoilt by it, but who are you to say how parents should treat their adult child?

I think that they have created unintentionally, a very spoiled and financially entitled DH.

In what way? What behaviours does he display that show you this?

My issue is that, whilst they treat us very unequally at christmas, my family treat us exactly the same.

But you're not exactly the same. He's their son, who they raised from a baby and love and care about. You're the woman he chose to marry and spend his life with, that his parents (presumably) had no say in and are required to accept into their lives despite any potential differences of personality, opinion, etc with good grace. They do so, by providing you with a gift in similar form to your DH, but the value is less.

Personally, I think this is absolutely fine and I say that being in exactly the same situation myself. I know my ILs like me and we get on perfectly well, but ultimately I'm not their child. My mum treats me and DH exactly the same, because that's her preference.

Unless you're grabby and ungrateful, which you claim not to be, why does either scenario have to be "wrong". Sounds like you have a DH problem which you're trying to make his parents the scapegoat for.

I think the gifts from the in-laws a red herring, you said yourself that your DH does not see you as financial equals so I wonder if this is actually the crux of the issue.

Setting aside the question of money received as gifts, do you otherwise have equal access to finances?

I think YABU, he is their son and will always get preferential treatment, i think thats normal. Maybe they dont like you? HE pickedyou, not them, and you're HIS partner. Everyone else in the family just has to muddle along when peopke pick partners.

Paddle your own canoe if you aren't happy with your financial situation: go back to wirk, make HOM do part time hours or pay his 50% of childcare costs, good luck to him justifying otherwise if HE (not his parents) wont share his money with you

The thing I find odd is the money in envelopes. If any of our family on either side gift us money, it is addressed to us both. My in-laws have always treated me as one of the family and vice versa. However, sometimes the gifts are of different values. So this Christmas my own parents bought me a piece of jewellery costing a couple of hundred pounds and they bought DH a jumper costing around £60. His parents bought him a coat costing more than my parents spent on my jewellery though! They bought me perfume and a couple of little bits probably totalling around £100. We are very lucky!!I honestly couldn’t care less about presents costing different, they are all entitled to spend exactly what they want and of course our own parents tend to treat us slightly more!! We have a few unwritten rules though: whatever they spend on one child, is the the same for all the children. Any money is in an envelope addressed to the couple.

My mum gives me dvd DH gifts of a similar value, she then puts cash in an envelope for me. I'm her daughter. I often use it to treat myself but this year it's just going into the house. I don't think it's wrong.

I think YABU, he is their son and will always get preferential treatment, i think thats normal. Maybe they dont like you?
I don't think you can infer that from their gifts, the OPs gift from them sounds nice. Maybe they don't love her as much as their ds but that doesn't mean they dislike her.

"In what way? What behaviours does he display to show you this?"

-Lying about his true earnings and keeping extra to himself.

• Telling me that he deserves more money than I do as he "works more."
• Putting some of the financial gifts from his parents which have been given inbetween christmas and birthdays towards home/family things but only things that he wants- I'm not allowed to have a say as the money is his.
• Has a separate bank account with FIL, which FIL puts money in purely for DHs use.

-DH going on 3-4 short abroad holidays wth friends since having DCs, but never going with myself and DCs because we "can't afford an abroad holiday."

• Him ensuring he has more money in his personal pot than in the family pot, whilst I prioritise filling the family pot first.

OP I completely get what you mean. I lived with a similar situation for many years - partner's grandparents especially were keen to divest themselves of cash while still alive so he regularly received huge sums of money for birthdays and Christmas.

Importantly, however, he always made it very clear (while we were together!) that any money he received was for us - regardless of what they thought. We were young at the time so those gifts often supported our academic or professional endeavours, as well as household needs and holidays. His attitude to it all ensured I didn't feel like the poor relation.

How does your husband approach it? He should really be making it clear to his family that you are a single unit, financially - and ensuring they speak respectfully about you. That's the most you can hope for, really.

Reading your last comment is actually shocking. He is horrible.

So get a divorce. Use the money they gave you to see a decent lawyer and file for divorce. If it’s all bad what’s the point in hanging around? You might have to work ft and won’t get presents from them in future but you won’t have to put up with the husband you clearly despise or his parents.

Sounds like you do quite well OP, getting presents and envelopes of cash from both your in laws and your parents. Do you want to go back to work full time?

Ah, missed your follow up post ...

@Lightspark

"In what way? What behaviours does he display to show you this?"

-Lying about his true earnings and keeping extra to himself.

• Telling me that he deserves more money than I do as he "works more."
• Putting some of the financial gifts from his parents which have been given inbetween christmas and birthdays towards home/family things but only things that he wants- I'm not allowed to have a say as the money is his.
• Has a separate bank account with FIL, which FIL puts money in purely for DHs use.

-DH going on 3-4 short abroad holidays wth friends since having DCs, but never going with myself and DCs because we "can't afford an abroad holiday."

• Him ensuring he has more money in his personal pot than in the family pot, whilst I prioritise filling the family pot first.

Well then he's a selfish, greedy fucker and I'd be taking steps to adjust these things within the relationship or ending the marriage and I do get what you're saying because mine was exactly like this except for contributing to family expenses, from his financial gifts, he never did that.

What his parents give him is irrelevant though. If he was a good person who treated you equally, how the gift arrived simply wouldn't matter because you'd know you'd be treated or get a say with it too.

The issue here is not your in laws giving your DH money or more expensive presents- it's that your DH is not treating you as an equal partner and sharing what he brings into the marriage (either salary or parental gifts) with you and your child/ ren.

Go back to work full time ASAP. Do not let yourself be financially vulnerable.

Your in laws are entitled to give their money as they wish. It just sounds like they are treating their son, this wouldn't bother me. They can't help it your parents don't do things the same way, all propel are different.

Your husband however, sounds financially controlling. You should be speaking to him, not blaming his parents.