Spoilt DH

[Lightspark]

I know that this is going to come across to some like I'm some sort of money grabber, but please hear me out...
So, DHs family are quite wealthy, mine are not, which is all fine.
DH has had issues in the past around seeing us as equals financially because he earns more than I do after I reduced to part-time working after DCs were born. It caused a lot of arguments.
DHs parents will often give DH gifts of money which appear not meant for me to receive which has definitely not helped matters!
My inlaws really aren't helping this situation at all in terms of us being treated as equals when each year we're handed our own individual gift bag and envelope for christmas.
Each year, DH opens an envelope to hundreds of pounds and a gift bag containing a few expensive gifts. My bag usually contains some nice smelling soap, hand cream and a bottle of prosecco along with an envelope with probably 1/6 of the amount of money that DH receives.
My issue isn't that I think they should give me more (and I know people will accuse me of otherwise but this is the truth). My issue is that, whilst they treat us very unequally at christmas, my family treat us exactly the same. We receive similar gifts and always joint envelopes of money.
It's because my family do things so differently, I think that it really highlights the inequality between DH and I when we receive our gifts from his parents.
I think he is extremely spoilt and it just isn't helping the way he sees me, when they treat us so differently. They spent almost £1000 on him for his recent birthday (they told me this quite openly) and although they are (in my opinion) very generous in the amount they give to me (not comparing to what DH is given), I think that they have created unintentionally, a very spoiled and financially entitled DH.
This did not become clear until after we were married and probably until after DC1 was born.

1. I'm wondering if I'm being the unreasonable one here?
2. How do your parents/inlaws treat you and your spouse when it comes to gift giving?

This is about your dh and not your in laws. I think his in-laws are strange with the whole different envelopes each. My df will give money for Xmas and birthdays, however it will be an amount for the whole family, so myself and dh decide how much to spend in the dc out of that amount and us.

Your dh is not seeing you as a partnership. In his shoes I'd pool and money, earnings and gifts and decide with my dw how the money is paid. Sounds like he's using you as the hired help, look after the dc as they are your responsibility whilst he goes to his vip job. It's also his money too.

Perhaps it would be better if they gave you one envelope with both your names on with money in for BOTH of you.

My Dad always gives me money for Christmas and my LG (IMO a large amount of money but for others it might not be) but doesn't give my OH any money. I've never really thought of it being unfair though and my OH has never said he thinks it's unfair that he doesn't get any money. I think he is just chuffed that my LG (she's only 2) has managed to have a good start on savings solely because my Dad is so generous to her for Christmas and birthdays.

@Lightspark

"In what way? What behaviours does he display to show you this?"

-Lying about his true earnings and keeping extra to himself.

• Telling me that he deserves more money than I do as he "works more."
• Putting some of the financial gifts from his parents which have been given inbetween christmas and birthdays towards home/family things but only things that he wants- I'm not allowed to have a say as the money is his.
• Has a separate bank account with FIL, which FIL puts money in purely for DHs use.

-DH going on 3-4 short abroad holidays wth friends since having DCs, but never going with myself and DCs because we "can't afford an abroad holiday."

• Him ensuring he has more money in his personal pot than in the family pot, whilst I prioritise filling the family pot first.

This is all entirely wrong! Bordering on financial abuse. As mumsnet are oft to say...you have a DH problem.

@Lightspark

FT work is not an option for me until DC2 begins school.

@Lightspark

Oh god YES IT IS. If your husband can do it so can you, you just have to make him to his HALF. So sad every time I read this from down trodden women trashing their own earning power to support The Big Man's Special Man Job.

I'm sorry your husband is financially abusive. You need to do something about it.

You can go back to work FT anytime you want. Your dh appears to make plenty enough money to afford childcare. You have enough money for a cleaner.

OP -while your dh does sound like a twat - and meant as kindly as possible: you need to grow the hell up and take charge of your life.

Seriously - you led with 'his parents give him more at Xmas' and not 'he lies about his earnings and hides money from me'? What the hell, woman? Your dh has no concept of family money and you are colluding in your own debasement to unpaid nanny and cleaner. His parents messed-up views are not even close to the main issue here.

So what are you going to do about it?

@Norwester you are in no position to judge whether or not I can return to work FT without you knowing what my line of work is or why I had to stop working FT in the first place.
Pipe down.

I’d find it very strange if my dad passed an envelope to my husband with money in. Why on earth should my dad give my husband money? He wouldn’t expect it either, or if he received it he’d give it back saying it was very generous but no. His parents money is his parents money to do with as they please. Find it odd that in this day and age the woman feels entitled to her husbands parents money. I do think he should use it for family holidays abroad, home improvements though, that does seems very mean. You should earn your own money and not be resentful of his. Get a full time job, although it might be hard given current job market and tell him to pay the extra childcare bill with all his cash. You would be so much less resentful. I assume you live in a nice, big house paid for by him?

I'm sure your ILs have contributed to your DH's attitude to money but he doesn't have to copy how they did things. As a pp said upstream, he has a choice around what happens with the money they give him.

It always gives me the rage when I read/hear about men like your DH displaying such a shitty attitude towards the person they chose to commit their life too and the children they chose to have with that person. He's doing his best to live a life where he gets the benefits of having a wife and children without any of the inconveniences such as financial equality and fair distribution of childcare responsibilities.

OP - you have choices even though it may feel like you don't. Be clear in your own mind about what would be fair and right for your family (equal percentage put into the family pot and the rest each person does what they want with, all money in one pot and equal access - there are several ways to cut it) and propose your solution to your DH with a strong clear lines about your expectations of him. If he rejects, belittles, ignores then consider what your future looks like.

It's always easy for us to say LTB but its not that easy in real life. However, I would say that your current situation is awful and you should not let it continue. It is NOT normal for your partner to go off on holidays multiple times in a year while you and the kids don't because you can't afford it.

And when that little voice in your head starts to say - he's not that bad, you chose this etc, tell it to fuck off. You are misdirecting your feelings towards your IL's - the feelings you have are right but should be directed at your DH.

In fact it seems very ungrateful of you to take the money then bitch about them. When they give you the money next time just say oh gosh no I couldn’t and hand it them back. You’d feel a lot better about yourself. Does he get any money off your parents? No I didn’t think so.

"Make him do his half"
And there lies the problem.

We've been there.
Tried that.
You ca not "make" anybody to anything without completely running yourself into the ground.

@stay123 do you not value the role that many women have in the home because it is unpaid?
I would strongly recommend reading Vanessa Olrenshaws Liberating Motherhood to address your misgynist views.

He would LOVE me to go back to work FT for financial reasons, but would never share the household/childcare with me.

You said yourself that childcare & household management stopped you from working. That you tried to work weekends but his lack of support stopped you.

Pipe down ? Charming.

Tell your abusive husband to "pipe down" when he implies he is better than you. He is not.

My advice to you is to go back to work FT. Use family money ie. not just your earnings to pay for childcare and whatever else you need to facilitate it.

Then when you are set, leave the fucker.

Oh dear.

I think we might he wasting our time here, folks.

Being a stay at hime Mum is wonderful and valuable if you can afford it. You cannot. Because your dh has no respect for you doing so, and he is financially controlling and hiding his money. So you need to get out there and earn your own money. You need to protect yourself.

@norwester I could have paid for childcare. So no, that is not the reason.
Unfortunately, children with extra needs and health problems often require an extra level of care. I will not be bullied into feeling guilty for putting them first.

@Lightspark

Oddly, they don't actually get much for the DCs. They receive a couple of presents each, totalling around £30 (not that it matters). DCs have enough anyway! But I always find it strange that they still spoil their adult son with hundreds of pounds and several expensive gifts.

This is the problem OP the root of it all. They have enabled him still to feel the most important person of all.

He doesnt take on the responsibility for children because he is still number 1.

His holidays and activities are the most important - his children dont need a holiday because he is number 1

I frankly think he sounds an awful husband and an even more awful father.

Why stay?

Yes @anyfucker you are most definitely wasting your time.
Go and enjoy Boxing Day.

@AnyFucker I think we might he wasting our time here, folks.

Maybe at the moment, but some of it might sink in. ??

This Christmas DP got £400 off his parents, they didn't buy any physical gifts for him, it was just that. I got some candles, candle holders and some smellies. I was made up with them as I didn't expect anything really - my parents just give DP a crate of his favourite beer, and he loves that.

It'd never cross my mind to try and take claim on that £400. My DP works hard and would spend his last penny on us if we asked. Money we earn all goes into one pot, and at the moment I'm not working due to covid.

But this £400 is his Christmas money and I would much rather he treated himself - something he never usually does - with it.

Equally I got £100 from my grandparents, and I plan to spend it on new clothes for myself.

DSS has got loads of money too, and he will be spending it on whatever he wants.

I wouldn't expect DP's family to match what they give him, nor would he expect mine to.

So what do you want Lightspark?

Your children and in a situation where there father puts himself front and centre of everything - money/holidays etc all goes with him. Doesnt seem to spend time with them

So what do you want out of this?

What happened when you did try to do half. Stop appeasing him - you are buying into his belief that he is better. Stop pandering to him and put your children first

@quartz2208
Yes, yes, yes.
This is exactly how it feels.
I can't ignore that they haven't played a part in the way he has turned out, I think he has always been treated like this.
He is MILs golden child.
He of course is the greater problem though.

@quartz2208
Yes, yes, yes.
This is exactly how it feels.
I can't ignore that they haven't played a part in the way he has turned out, I think he has always been treated like this.
He is MILs golden child.
He of course is the greater problem though.

@Lightspark I think she’d feel more liberated if she went back to work. Then it would be obvious to him that he’d have to help round the house as she wouldn’t be physically there to do it. If it was a man taking money from a woman’s parents then snickering about it you’d all go nuts.

Why are you able to say all this to @Norwester and @AnyFucker but not to your husband? They have your interests more in perspective than he does - he is telling you what suits him. With children with additional needs I’d suggest it’s even more important that you are in a position to support your family because your husband is telling you clearly that his priority is supporting himself - you are choosing not to listen to him.