Spoilt DH

[Lightspark]

I know that this is going to come across to some like I'm some sort of money grabber, but please hear me out...
So, DHs family are quite wealthy, mine are not, which is all fine.
DH has had issues in the past around seeing us as equals financially because he earns more than I do after I reduced to part-time working after DCs were born. It caused a lot of arguments.
DHs parents will often give DH gifts of money which appear not meant for me to receive which has definitely not helped matters!
My inlaws really aren't helping this situation at all in terms of us being treated as equals when each year we're handed our own individual gift bag and envelope for christmas.
Each year, DH opens an envelope to hundreds of pounds and a gift bag containing a few expensive gifts. My bag usually contains some nice smelling soap, hand cream and a bottle of prosecco along with an envelope with probably 1/6 of the amount of money that DH receives.
My issue isn't that I think they should give me more (and I know people will accuse me of otherwise but this is the truth). My issue is that, whilst they treat us very unequally at christmas, my family treat us exactly the same. We receive similar gifts and always joint envelopes of money.
It's because my family do things so differently, I think that it really highlights the inequality between DH and I when we receive our gifts from his parents.
I think he is extremely spoilt and it just isn't helping the way he sees me, when they treat us so differently. They spent almost £1000 on him for his recent birthday (they told me this quite openly) and although they are (in my opinion) very generous in the amount they give to me (not comparing to what DH is given), I think that they have created unintentionally, a very spoiled and financially entitled DH.
This did not become clear until after we were married and probably until after DC1 was born.

1. I'm wondering if I'm being the unreasonable one here?
2. How do your parents/inlaws treat you and your spouse when it comes to gift giving?

Bluntness No they are not. A biological child is a grandparents grandchild. The child of a random who happens to be in a relationship with your child is just that, a random child who is no more related than the random partner is to the in laws. She is related via marriage the same way that some 'step children' are. Others, the step children of unmarried parents are not legally related.
The op is the in laws daughter in law, the children are the legal, biological grandchildren. The in laws are treating their daughter in law like a second class citizen. She is not in some brief relationship with their previous son. It's fine to believe they should year her differently but you absolutely cannot then moan about ' non grandchildren' being treated differently.
I'm lucky my mil is lovely and sends my children, who are not her son's children, money and gifts. I do not expect it though.

YABU - I think it's fine for someone's parents to give their child money and not to give it to a DIL. It works like that in our family.

Whoever receives the gift decides how to spend it and how much to share if any with the other one.

If anything I think you sound entitled when you expect equal treatment.

I think the answer is for you to earn more yourself, perhaps this involves your dc going to childcare, and if so DH should be paying 50% of this.

Op I remember you posting before about this I can't believe they are still doing this ! X

YADNBU
They sound awful OP and I agree with you that they have taught him to be an entitled and selfish man.
My parent's and in-laws have ALWAYS treated us equally.
His parents calling the car 'his' car sounds as if there is some resent there towards you unfortunately.

...resentment

If his parents gave you both the same amount of money you would not be on here and that’s a fact.

You sound like a greedy and grabby person. Of course his parents will never gift you the same amount. You married into the family you were not born into it.

At Christmas and birthdays I get gifted money in envelopes and I would leave any guy expecting the same. It is family money to a relative.

Either work full time or leave your husband you have a choice.

Maybe they think you married him for his families money and inheritance. Loads of women look for men with good paying jobs, not for that sole reason I don’t think but it certainly helps. He has said he wants you to get a job,. Maybe he feels stressed being the sole earner? Ever thought of that? I would never expect my husbands parents to give me envelopes of money, and they have never done so.

OP I've been there and the answer is you have to go back to work FT to have more money or suck it up that this is what your life is.

Or leave him, work full time, sort childcare etc from the maintenance he'll be paying you and never have to worry about the IL'S licking their sons arse again as it won't be your problem. If you can go back to work when your youngest is in in school you can go now and sort childcare yes even with special needs and requirements.

You aren't as rich as your DH and his family and you never will be. Once you've accepted that and moved on with your life the resentment will fall away. It did for me and I'm happily remarried to a man with normal parents and income.

In situations where there is financial control/inequality the commonsense suggestion is for the OP to get back to work, to give themselves more financial freedom & a way to escape.

The OP has reacted to posters suggesting she can financially afford childcare & Should get back into the workforce in what sounds to me like quite an aggressive manner.

This suggests to me that the husband actually does want the wife to go back to work & that this extended time at home has been unilaterally decided. There is nothing to suggest the child’s special needs are so insurmountable that going to work is not an option. The OP’s partner is not denying the child the help they can afford to provide, to get mum back into work. Mum wants to stay home & has decided this is the only way forward. That’s not the sign of a financially controlled spouse - that is actually being controlling themselves, by not looking at all the options to get back to work. I get the feeling the OP’s partner did not envision having to support a SAHP until the child was school aged.

To react so aggressively at the suggestion seems to me that the couple have had this argument before. If both parents are onboard with being a SAHP then great, but if one changes the plans afterwards & isn’t open to looking at alternative solutions then that can create discord & resentment.

The focus on who gets how much in their envelopes & wanting to control 1) how much a parent gives to their child & 2) what someone spends their Xmas gift money on aren’t sitting right to me.

I feel like there is more to this story & that the financial control may not be from the male partner here.

There is no suggestion the partner is actually controlling money, or denying the OP access to money. To be so caught up about Xmas money & annoyed a parent has given their kid more money than you seems really off.

this isn't a Family,.. and it's never going to be Family money... there is HIS money and yours.. I would leave a man like this .. honestly life is too darned short to tolerate being treated like a poor relative.. 🌺

I think it's up to the parents to spend their money as they wish.

My parents spent £120 on me and my siblings and about £50 on each grandchild. Husbands got a gift worth £15 each all the same.

My in-laws spend £25 each on me and my husband.

For my birthday my parents this year gave me £400 to buy myself something as it was Covid. I spent it in a family thing. My in-laws gave me nothing ! For my husbands birthday his parents gave him £30 and my parents bought him a bottle for rum.

I think it's up to each parent how much they spend on their children and it's up to me what o spend it on ( if they give me the cash)

He sounds bloody mean, selfish and unsupportive
He’s your issue not them

If me or my husband were given an unequal amount of cash we'd share it equally once we were home.
I'd feel awful spending money he didn't have and vice Versa.
I gave my husband a gift voucher for our local shopping centre for his last birthday and he came home with a bottle of perfume for me.
It's perfectly reasonable for his parents to spend more on him but it's another how happily he accepts it, even in private.
I can't imagine how isolated you must feel.

@Lightspark

Oddly, they don't actually get much for the DCs. They receive a couple of presents each, totalling around £30 (not that it matters). DCs have enough anyway! But I always find it strange that they still spoil their adult son with hundreds of pounds and several expensive gifts.

Yeah this is really weird behaviour

Op what you have just said..
it like he has to have control. I’m more concerned about him going abroad . He’s gets to have relaxation and breaks while you’re stuck at home. If he cared for you then surely he’d want a break with you or even treat you to a break yourself. DOnt you work just as hard with the children . He’s doesn’t seem to value, trust ,appreciate or respect you. He’s a selfish spoilt person. A good talk with him that he should be valuing you And saying you also deserve the breaks. You might want to have some relaxation. How about also saying whilst you are looking after the kids you’re career is on hold hence you’re losing earning power. How about also stating that his priority is also filling the family pot.
He can keep the fil money fir himself but surely he can then use his own bloody wages to give you breaks.

Lying about his true earnings and keeping extra to himself.

• Telling me that he deserves more money than I do as he "works more."
• Putting some of the financial gifts from his parents which have been given inbetween christmas and birthdays towards home/family things but only things that he wants- I'm not allowed to have a say as the money is his.
• Has a separate bank account with FIL, which FIL puts money in purely for DHs use.

-DH going on 3-4 short abroad holidays wth friends since having DCs, but never going with myself and DCs because we "can't afford an abroad holiday."

• Him ensuring he has more money in his personal pot than in the family pot, whilst I prioritise filling the family pot first.

Op have you split from your husband? You have posted in another thread talking about your custody arrangements, which makes no sense in light of this thread.

How does something as important as familial money/attitudes around money only become apparent after being married/having children? How ridiculous.

If he used to be "fair" and "good" with money before you married him and had kids with him and changed as soon as you got married then LTB? Literally grounds for divorce

@gutful

In situations where there is financial control/inequality the commonsense suggestion is for the OP to get back to work, to give themselves more financial freedom & a way to escape.

The OP has reacted to posters suggesting she can financially afford childcare & Should get back into the workforce in what sounds to me like quite an aggressive manner.

This suggests to me that the husband actually does want the wife to go back to work & that this extended time at home has been unilaterally decided. There is nothing to suggest the child’s special needs are so insurmountable that going to work is not an option. The OP’s partner is not denying the child the help they can afford to provide, to get mum back into work. Mum wants to stay home & has decided this is the only way forward. That’s not the sign of a financially controlled spouse - that is actually being controlling themselves, by not looking at all the options to get back to work. I get the feeling the OP’s partner did not envision having to support a SAHP until the child was school aged.

To react so aggressively at the suggestion seems to me that the couple have had this argument before. If both parents are onboard with being a SAHP then great, but if one changes the plans afterwards & isn’t open to looking at alternative solutions then that can create discord & resentment.

The focus on who gets how much in their envelopes & wanting to control 1) how much a parent gives to their child & 2) what someone spends their Xmas gift money on aren’t sitting right to me.

I feel like there is more to this story & that the financial control may not be from the male partner here.

There is no suggestion the partner is actually controlling money, or denying the OP access to money. To be so caught up about Xmas money & annoyed a parent has given their kid more money than you seems really off.

The OP said this in response to her going back to work ”@AnneLovesGilbert* he agrees in so far that he will not take on the extra childcare/ household dutiew so that I can return to work FT. I tried working a day at weekends to make more money (couldn't during the week for other reasons but don't want to go off on a tangent) but he just kept arguing that I was impeding on his hobby and requesting that I cancel my clients etc if something for him came up. He would LOVE me to go back to work FT for financial reasons, but would never share the household/childcare with me. He would TELL me he would, but as I've experienced, the reality would be quite different.” OP’s husband would love for her to go back to work but won’t do anything extra with the children or housework and complains if she works at weekends as it infringes on his hobby and he expects her to cancel clients if it inconveniences him! Does OP get hobby time? Does she get to demand he cancels his prior commitments because she wants to do something? Is it even feasible to leave the children with him or would it involve a long list of instructions and then having to put up with listening to him complain about how difficult he had it and how exhausted he is? OP, your DH sounds like as arse! Any money we’re given by either side is communal unless it’s given to the DC in which case it goes into their accounts. He earns about x10 as much as I do, we have joint everything including savings. Staying at home to look after your children is completely acceptable and you shouldn’t have to do all the childcare, housework and work FT to be independent when you’re married. The problem is not yours, it’s his. Doesn’t make him change or make your situation any better, but men really need to wise up when it comes to having children. You don’t just get someone pregnant then continue your life as before. Having children means you have to permanently put other people ahead of yourself, not just crack on enjoying the benefits of never having to even think about parenting.

OP yanbu your DH sounds very selfish and he does sound spoilt. Your in laws don't sound very nice when they say you are driving DH car.

At Christmas my parents always give me and DH money jointly, in an envelope. It is addressed to us both so we can spend it on something nice for us both.

I don't think you sound jealous or like a gold digger. My views are a husband and wife should be equal to one another. I've always earned more than DH but I always make it clear my money is also his money.

I think you deserve better than your husband. He doesn't sound very reasonable at all.

Apologies have not seen that post & it certainly does change the situation that the partner has refused to help with childcare.

That would suggest they don’t actually want the partner to go to work at all!

Apologies OP had not seen that important update

My family will give both of us and our children equal gifts or amounts of cash for birthdays/Christmas (other half always puts his into the kids savings).

MIL buys gifts for him and our children - or will send vouchers for his birthday.
I get a text message.
If we spend Christmas together, she gives me gifts. But less than her son.
And often things that are so obviously not my style (eg skimpy sun dress, oversized blingy jewellery) - expecting me to wear the item when we travel together and even asking where it is if I don’t take it... makes me feel she makes deliberate purchases to make me feel uncomfortable or appear ungrateful.
It was often me who would organise flowers for her birthday or select gifts for her, but tbh I’ve now given up on doing so or prompting my other half to.

My inlaws spoil my DH and always have. He gets expensive presents and has always had huge amounts of money thrown at him. He is a very hard worker though and we have a very good financial relationship with a joint account and never one argument over money. We both have equal earning capacity in good jobs, but I am on my second mat leave in 2 years. For gifts, my inlaws would spend considerably more on him than on me. Mine are token presents at best, his are whatever he asks for. But, I am an adult, a mother, and not their kid, so for me to strop over not getting expensive presents from them would be pretty childish. I leave them to it. It's what they do. I dont care tbh.

The problem isn’t the in laws. If my Dh parents were giving him money I know he would be using it to better us all not just himself. He would take us all on holiday and share it with us to give us all a nicer life He got a bonus from work once which he never normally gets and he gave the whole lot to me to do what I wanted to treat us all. That’s what marriage is about. It’s sharing everything to have the best life you can and your children too. He is being very selfish op. It would really make me dislike him and question if I want to be with him it’s a very greedy attitude he is taking. You are married so you are entitled to access that money to ensure your kids get a holiday and things they need I would insist on it !

So are you splitting or not? Re other thread. You'd be better off on your own. Why are you with him? Nice lifestyle maybe but he treats you appallingly. Having a well-paid job and well-heeled parents doesn't mean you treat others with condescension especially your wife. Why on earth do they give him random envelopes of money? Take charge of ur own destiny. Do your parents know how badly you are treated? I would be fuming if my son-in-law treated my daughter like this.

Be thankful you have anything at all...I don't receive birthday or Xmas gifts from my father.....I give birthday and Xmas gifts to him and also hosted yesterday for lunch...in our bubble