Spoilt DH

[Lightspark]

I know that this is going to come across to some like I'm some sort of money grabber, but please hear me out...
So, DHs family are quite wealthy, mine are not, which is all fine.
DH has had issues in the past around seeing us as equals financially because he earns more than I do after I reduced to part-time working after DCs were born. It caused a lot of arguments.
DHs parents will often give DH gifts of money which appear not meant for me to receive which has definitely not helped matters!
My inlaws really aren't helping this situation at all in terms of us being treated as equals when each year we're handed our own individual gift bag and envelope for christmas.
Each year, DH opens an envelope to hundreds of pounds and a gift bag containing a few expensive gifts. My bag usually contains some nice smelling soap, hand cream and a bottle of prosecco along with an envelope with probably 1/6 of the amount of money that DH receives.
My issue isn't that I think they should give me more (and I know people will accuse me of otherwise but this is the truth). My issue is that, whilst they treat us very unequally at christmas, my family treat us exactly the same. We receive similar gifts and always joint envelopes of money.
It's because my family do things so differently, I think that it really highlights the inequality between DH and I when we receive our gifts from his parents.
I think he is extremely spoilt and it just isn't helping the way he sees me, when they treat us so differently. They spent almost £1000 on him for his recent birthday (they told me this quite openly) and although they are (in my opinion) very generous in the amount they give to me (not comparing to what DH is given), I think that they have created unintentionally, a very spoiled and financially entitled DH.
This did not become clear until after we were married and probably until after DC1 was born.

1. I'm wondering if I'm being the unreasonable one here?
2. How do your parents/inlaws treat you and your spouse when it comes to gift giving?

FT work is not an option for me until DC2 begins school.

You don’t sound like you are a “team”. I think you want to be but he is scuppering it. Your working part-time is ENABLING him to continue earning so well, he needs to recognise that. (DH earns 3 times what I do, but I’ve worked p/t for 20 years to bring up the family - all money is family money)

I’ll be honest, I couldn’t be in a relationship like this, however if you do want to continue then maybe you should look into some marriage counselling.

@Lightspark

FT work is not an option for me until DC2 begins school.

Does your husband agree?

Until or unless you out earn him he will always view you as a second class citizen. What you earn is who you are to him. Hes not a nice man. From not a nice family.

That last post is describing financial abuse, OP.

Thank you for the insight.
I understand now that it's not the gifts that are to blame but DHs attitude.
I guess I was thinking that DHs attitude hadn't come from nowhere, that his experiences/upbringing must have made him this way.

@AnneLovesGilbert he agrees in so far that he will not take on the extra childcare/ household dutiew so that I can return to work FT.
I tried working a day at weekends to make more money (couldn't during the week for other reasons but don't want to go off on a tangent) but he just kept arguing that I was impeding on his hobby and requesting that I cancel my clients etc if something for him came up.
He would LOVE me to go back to work FT for financial reasons, but would never share the household/childcare with me. He would TELL me he would, but as I've experienced, the reality would be quite different.

He is financially abusive. I can't imagine he is great in every other way.

My son has just got married and I could only give money as they are abroad. I gave them exactly the same.

My inlaws were the same. Except I wouldn't get a gift at all, even when I gave them a gift. My parents would always give him something though.

I also worked in a more flexible job because of the kids, eventhough I am equally capable a d educated as H. His career, and especially his money is his raison d'être.

We are in the process of divorcing now (outside of the UK) as he moved to the US for his work (and money) and left me having to deal with 3 kids and a full-time job. He is working hard to minimise what I receive so he can have all the money from his expat job all to himself. Everything we have built up over the past 14 years he sees as 'his', eventhough I have worked full-time as well throughout the marriage. But as he earns more, he forgets.

In the end he is the poorer one. He has lots of money but is he is alone.

I hope it doesn't come to this for you OP, but a frank and honest discussion about your financial situation would be a good idea I think.

I guess I was thinking that DHs attitude hadn't come from nowhere, that his experiences/upbringing must have made him this way.

Do his parents share money equally? My ex was taught at his fathers knee that women are "money grabbers" and jealous if the man in their lives does well because they're worried he will leave them

In the kindest way OP most parent on BOTH sides don’t give their adult kids envelopes of money... it’s more about the gran kids!

I’ve read your updates and I think the issue is not that you work part time. It’s that you need to concentrate on yourself.

Technically if your marriage ended there’s a strong chance (most families) side with their direct family member... DS in your case.

As PIL we treat our son and DIL the same when we give gifts. I even make sure they have the same number of presents as well as total value. For me, the clue is in the name of the relationship daughter in law.

In your third post, it's clear that he isn't interesting in sharing money he gets with his family or prioritising his family. I couldnt be with this type of man. I feel that if his parents give him more it actually wouldn't bother me, as I would assume that as the wife I would be able to access the money too. If he purposely keeps money away from you/the family so that he can fulfil his own desires like holidays with friends then I think he is selfish. I would not like to feel poor in a marriage, we should be equal, whether one if working or not! If it bothers you that much, I would get back out and start earning.

Oddly, they don't actually get much for the DCs. They receive a couple of presents each, totalling around £30 (not that it matters). DCs have enough anyway!
But I always find it strange that they still spoil their adult son with hundreds of pounds and several expensive gifts.

My parents would give me more presents than they would DH but then they always give us some money and it's in an envelope addressed to us both. I would find it strange if they divvied up the money separately

My parents give exactly the same to their children and in-laws for Christmas and birthdays, £50.

I think my in-laws are the same for birthdays but I think my husband gets slightly more for Christmas.

I've adopted my parents approach for live in and married partners. If feels nicer.

I think it's very strange that mummy and daddy are gifting envelopes full of money to their grown up and married son

Your second post is actually what the problem is.

Your dh is financially abusive. It doesn’t matter what his parents do or give him or where his attitude to money came from. What matters is how he’s behaving now, especially if you’re telling him you’re unhappy and he’s not changing.

We treat our grown up children and their partners the same. They are our family and we let them know that.

As for your husband he will not get any better. He shows very little support for you across all areas of life. I agree with others, its not about his parents its about him and his attitude. Maybe a long think about how the future will work out is needed

You din't have a "spoilt" husband, you have an abusive one

Stop getting blinded by the IL's behaviour. They haven't created this monster. Your husband is a grown man who chooses to be a cunt to his wife.

And you choose to stay. That is what you should be looking very carefully at.

You are right that this is about him rather than the in laws. DP's family is wealthier than mine. His mum sometimes gives a cheque to him but he treats it as family money. This usually means putting it towards a family holiday or something for the house. Sometimes it goes on something he needs eg a new bike to get to work but we'll have a discussion first, and of course I would always agree, but it's just a general courtesy.

Your husband sounds bloody vile!!! I wonder if he'd still thinks that he deserves more because he works more if you reversed your roles?!!
Oh and you can't work at the weekend in case it interrupts his hobby time??? Yeah right!
I also can't get my head around that his father has a bank account set up for him that he pays into as well! Is he 12???
Jeez, you're married to an abusive man and have been roped into a weird family set up.
They give your husband money and expensive gifts and yet 'only' give your DC gifts of around £30. Weird lot!
I'd be having a very serious conversation with your poor excuse of a husband, or I'd be showing him the door!

It’s about his attitude to the money though, not his parents. He sounds selfish

My FIL gives partner money and then some bits and pieces to share. I couldn't care less. Money goes in the joint account anyway

@Lightspark

"In what way? What behaviours does he display to show you this?"

-Lying about his true earnings and keeping extra to himself.

• Telling me that he deserves more money than I do as he "works more."
• Putting some of the financial gifts from his parents which have been given inbetween christmas and birthdays towards home/family things but only things that he wants- I'm not allowed to have a say as the money is his.
• Has a separate bank account with FIL, which FIL puts money in purely for DHs use.

-DH going on 3-4 short abroad holidays wth friends since having DCs, but never going with myself and DCs because we "can't afford an abroad holiday."

• Him ensuring he has more money in his personal pot than in the family pot, whilst I prioritise filling the family pot first.

Yes I smell a spoilt brat here , that behaviour from him is outrageous!