Spoilt DH

[Lightspark]

I know that this is going to come across to some like I'm some sort of money grabber, but please hear me out...
So, DHs family are quite wealthy, mine are not, which is all fine.
DH has had issues in the past around seeing us as equals financially because he earns more than I do after I reduced to part-time working after DCs were born. It caused a lot of arguments.
DHs parents will often give DH gifts of money which appear not meant for me to receive which has definitely not helped matters!
My inlaws really aren't helping this situation at all in terms of us being treated as equals when each year we're handed our own individual gift bag and envelope for christmas.
Each year, DH opens an envelope to hundreds of pounds and a gift bag containing a few expensive gifts. My bag usually contains some nice smelling soap, hand cream and a bottle of prosecco along with an envelope with probably 1/6 of the amount of money that DH receives.
My issue isn't that I think they should give me more (and I know people will accuse me of otherwise but this is the truth). My issue is that, whilst they treat us very unequally at christmas, my family treat us exactly the same. We receive similar gifts and always joint envelopes of money.
It's because my family do things so differently, I think that it really highlights the inequality between DH and I when we receive our gifts from his parents.
I think he is extremely spoilt and it just isn't helping the way he sees me, when they treat us so differently. They spent almost £1000 on him for his recent birthday (they told me this quite openly) and although they are (in my opinion) very generous in the amount they give to me (not comparing to what DH is given), I think that they have created unintentionally, a very spoiled and financially entitled DH.
This did not become clear until after we were married and probably until after DC1 was born.

1. I'm wondering if I'm being the unreasonable one here?
2. How do your parents/inlaws treat you and your spouse when it comes to gift giving?

My situation is similar to yours but I am in your DH position. My and my husband have one bank account, I’m paid more but we split everything equally however if his mum or dad give him any money for Xmas/bday albeit not as much as I would get, he spends that on whatever he wants. If I get bday or Xmas money from my parents I spend it or save it in a separate account. Sometimes I buy stuff for myself and sometimes I buy stuff for us if we need it. Our LG gets the same as her cousins and my parents always spend a lot on her. My DH doesn’t seem to care and is happy to receive anything from my family.

I think the problem is you see yourself and DH as one ( married with children why wouldn't you?) DH and his family do not. This is more common than you think. You and your family have given so much more, it's easy to dish out money to your 'own' especially when you have more than you need. But to embrace and welcome someone fully into the family is a priceless, selfless thing to do. Not everyone can do it. Let them be them and you and your family stay as lovely as you are.

@Lightspark

"In what way? What behaviours does he display to show you this?"

-Lying about his true earnings and keeping extra to himself.

• Telling me that he deserves more money than I do as he "works more."
• Putting some of the financial gifts from his parents which have been given inbetween christmas and birthdays towards home/family things but only things that he wants- I'm not allowed to have a say as the money is his.
• Has a separate bank account with FIL, which FIL puts money in purely for DHs use.

-DH going on 3-4 short abroad holidays wth friends since having DCs, but never going with myself and DCs because we "can't afford an abroad holiday."

• Him ensuring he has more money in his personal pot than in the family pot, whilst I prioritise filling the family pot first.

Well that's a monumental drip feed...

Nevertheless, as other posters said originally, this has nothing to do with his parents, only him. No idea why you're trying to bring his parents into it...

The points about his own dad giving your DH (his own son) money in his own bank account is just envious and bizarre. Why is it your concern what his parents choose to do with their own money? Of course your own child is different from an in law. Do you treat them exactly the same in all things as you treat your own parents?? It's nice of your parents to give you both equal gifts, but when push comes to shove they obviously favour you when it comes down to it.

Sounds like you and DH would benefit from couples counselling.

I still get cash as well as a cpl of gifts from my parents and my dh does not, just a gift. Usually a bottle of whiskey (which he does not drink). We are not wealthy tho but I don't think I'd expect them to give him the cash too.

@Lightspark

"In what way? What behaviours does he display to show you this?"

-Lying about his true earnings and keeping extra to himself.

• Telling me that he deserves more money than I do as he "works more."
• Putting some of the financial gifts from his parents which have been given inbetween christmas and birthdays towards home/family things but only things that he wants- I'm not allowed to have a say as the money is his.
• Has a separate bank account with FIL, which FIL puts money in purely for DHs use.

-DH going on 3-4 short abroad holidays wth friends since having DCs, but never going with myself and DCs because we "can't afford an abroad holiday."

• Him ensuring he has more money in his personal pot than in the family pot, whilst I prioritise filling the family pot first.

I couldn’t live with a person like this, he has no love for you, and that isn’t normal.

I would leave, let him get a housekeeper.

@stay123 I have a job.
Please read the thread properly.

Thank you for the variety of perceptions on this thread.

@Bluntness100 That is definitely very strange.