Update.
Since he moved out, the routine has become that he lives in his house most of the week but stays over at mine from Fri-Sun. I text him to ask if he wants to see his daughter. So he comes over, uses my bath, asks me to do his laundry, opens a bottle of wine, plays with the baby for a while intermittently, falls asleep for several hours, and spends all the in-between time on my computer (he has no internet at his house yet). Last weekend I had to call the police to have him removed as he wouldn't leave. This weekend gone I threatened to call the police again, but he compleletly lost it because I said that, hid my phone and then picked up this large boulder on the grate (peice of granite rock or something from Greenland) and lunged towards me with it. I was holding the baby at the time. I screamed at him not to because I had the baby, the baby screamed. I thought him going would be an abrupt end to it all, but it's not . I can't quite believe he would do that when I was holding the baby. If the rock had slipped...?
After that I kept meekly asking him to leave, he said in half an hour, but he didnt leave. I couldn't call the police, because look what happens... so I'm sitting there with my baby, he's sitting there glaring. It's like a stand-off. He said once he would end up murdering me if I stayed with him, so the conversation returned to this, I asked him did he really mean that or was it just said in the heat of an argument. He paused for ages....I said, because I'm sure that's waht all killers say, that they didn't 'mean it'. If that rock had slipped, he would have killed me or the baby, but he'd never had meant it. Yet later that night he was meek and kind. Not apologetic, he says he has no remorse for what he does to me because I deserve it, it's the only way to get his message across as I don't 'listen' to him otherwise. Then the next day he leaves and is smiling and kind. Yes, he does share my bed, no, there is no sex. There is cuddling and warmth and you could not believe in a million years what he can be like in his alter ego. So much so, that I am constantly asking myself if I'm exaggerating what goes on, you know like when you watch yourself on video film for the first time and you think, "that's not me! Do I really sound like that?! Do I really talk that quickly?! Am I really that fidgety? Do I really have such a funny squint?!" But I know the evetns are real, just my perception of what is acceptable and what is horrific is questionable. I daren't question my own sanity in this situation, because he wants me to be 'nuts', I think I'm normal, but rationally, I realise that what's happened to me and is still happening could have a truamatic effect, although I am mentally and emotionally strong, invincible actually, but then one of my fgamily said if I think that, the damage's already done, that actually I'm not dealing with it as a strong person, but denying it.
I feel like I'm waiting for sonmething to eclipse, sometimes I wish he would expire (I don't want to use the word I mean, but you know what word I mean) then I have a good excuse to tell my baby when she grows up as to why her dad left or why we didnt stay together and I wont have to tell her about what happened to me then. Moving back to my family IS an option, I just feel like a limp lettuce at the moment trying to motivate myself to do it.
I do appreciate replies to this thread and I do read them all. I guess I'm really just typing this perhaps not for advice, because I realise deep down what to do, but to get it out of my system. Abstractly, another indication of my confusion, is that I would like a record, in case I should ever need the evidence, even though writing a 'blog' or whatever isnt going to be applicable in court, if the worst ever happens, I don't want him having my daughter if I died and I need proof he isnt safe enough to look after her. These are thoughts out loud, that's all. I know it looks dramatic typed down. I don't want to upset people on here, some who seem frustrated at my staying in this situation especially given last weekend's events, but it is harder than you can imagine and I feel like I'm turning things around at such a slow pace, but at least it IS a pace.
I will keep updating occassionally, until the day I finally move nearer to my family, with a new home and proper access rights are sorted legally. That seems like an impossible scenario today.