NEED SOME RAPID ADVICE NOW domestic abuse situation

[milkmonster]

Im spinning this off quick as he's in the shed for half an hour scuse spelling etc. Together 5 years have 6month old baby has been pysical emotional and mental abuse for last 4 years has got worse since baby though he not violent physically anymre since she born. today feels like last straw for me trip to see my family planned, its my birthday today, my sister has taken time off work specially to see, it s half term so babys cousins can visit her, family lives 300 miles away, my boyfriend has pulled out of the trip he does this many many times in the past uses it to blackmail me into being 'good'i know this all sounds cliched but its real, i rent this house, he is not on the tenacny, he is not supposed o be living here due to tenancy conditions, because of whats happened today i feel like calling the landlady round and asking her to have him move out, but he says hell start smashing the house up cos im the tenant ill be responsible for the damage he says, he will do it, he has alrady damamged the house and contents previously.

he does have places to go, hoe owns his own house though hecant live in it hes a hoarder, but he has freinds to go to.

is there any wya i can avoid him smashing the house, nce the landlady leaves after telling him to go hell just come back half hour later, i really want to avoid involving police as it will make it worse for me, he has even said before he';d kidnap the baby if id did naything like this.

what does anyone think?

Leaving is hard because it means facing /admitting that you put up with the crap for however long already - that is embarrassing and painful, but it will be more painful the longer you stay.

It's like nuying something from a shop, it has a fault, you like it so try to use it anyway as you don't want to take it back, but in the end it is just unuseable and you have to chuck it in the bin and get a decent one.

I am not trying to liken your boyfriend to a tumble dryer but you get the picture...

sorry buying

and a tumble dryer is probably more useful

Milkmonster, if you can't leave him for you, leave him for your DD.

I grew up with domestic violence, my stepfather would bully and beat my mum. I ended up hating my mum for staying with him and our relationship has been permanently damaged. Not only that, but both of my brothers and I have pretty serious mental health problems as a result of the constant climate of fear and stress we grew up in. Look at your beautiful, amazing baby. Do you want that for her?

Your DD is young enough that if you leave him now she'll never know any different. Protect her, if you can't protect yourself. Here's how you do it- you need to leave and get counselling so you can recover from this vicious relationship then make sure you never enter another one like it.

Good luck.

Just want to add I am still thinking of you and willing you the strength to leave. Its hard I know, but you can't go on living in fear.

Big hugs

The landlady now knows about him being here, says to tell him she doesnt want him occupying the property as she only wants one person on the tenancy. I havent told him yet, he's home in an hour or so, i will update later tonight on his reaction.

Good luck Milkmonster -sending you much strength. Keep the phone near in case you need it.

Milkmonster - how did it go, am worrying for you.

Milk Monster

Been there and done that myself, been out for 5 yrs now.

Don't want to offer any advice for now, but sending you some gentle cyber hugs (((((milkie))))

Hope you are OK.

MM,

Been reading your thread and worrying about you. Are you OK?

milk monster you ok? Haven't heard for a few days.

Update.

The landlady came round one day and I think she had an intuition something was wrong as when she went to check a damp prob in the kitchen she noticed the splattered tea stains on the ceiling and I had to explain it's from when my partner threw a cup at me.

Apparently her first husband was an emotional bully so she was quite understanding. She also told me to tell him he cannot live here as she only wants one person on the tenancy.

I told him this and as with all problems, it's been a week now, he just ignores it and thinks I should just pretend to her he doesnt live here. He is convinced I have 'conspired' with the landlady to have him out.

call the police, milk.

you've gone through all the suggestions here but this one.

Good luck girl, call the police. Get this nasty, dangerous INTRUDER out of the house. He has no right, either legal or moral, to be there and the police will come and remove him as soon as you ask them to.

Why it's hard to leave/make him go:

He doesnt work so he's home all day, sitting on ebay buying and buying and buying...

He will make a few civil requests that get me through the day ; "can you put the kettle on,please" then five mins. later add "you're verging on the mentally ill if you can't remeber something I asked you to do less than 5 minutes ago"

It's a daily battlefield with occassional ceasefires, conversations are up-ended within minutes even if they begin harmlessly; I ask him to move his houseplants that are breeding fruit-flies out of my kitchen, he has a go, I wait a week and ask again,wait another week, finally fed up watching my kitchen swarm (not literally)about 10 flies but that's enough so he responds by calling me a C and he will 'pulverise my skull' and 'beat me to a pulp' if I keep going on about it. He calls me the C-swear word instead of my name, says "Hey, C, are you listening to me, that's your name isn't it ; C*", etc.

I wondered if I should have a private psychiatric report done on me, to prove to him that I'm not insane or whatever he thinks I am, then I think, he'll only dismiss the report as fake, or proof I doubt my own sanity if I resorted to this, or the shrink doesn't realise how manipulative I am and that I faked the assessment...

Rationally, I know I shouldn't begin to doubt my own sanity, because then I might actually be losing it, but lately I can't even talk to people, mums in the park, shopgirls,at the bus stop, whatever, like a normal person would, instead of chatting away lightly, I begin to get a bit panicky wondering if they think I'm weird or they can intuit my home situation, inevitably, they pick up these vibes - women anyway - and feel uncomfortable, thus further digging my own grave.

All because he says that everyone thinks I'm strange and 'not normal' and that I'm even 'socially inept' with my own family. (I talk to my mum and sisters on the phone about once a fortnight, visit once or twice a year, they live 200 miles away, they were at birth of my daughter, we talk about anything,..how is ths 'inept? whereas he has been exiled from his own family and his own brother took him to court 3 years ago).

I have a nice winter coat from M&S on, an expensive trendy buggy,I used to shop at Waitrose, my hair is immaculate, I'm polite and courteous, my nails are clean, yet he has made me now nearly 99% convinced I'm in a waking hallucinating state, even if he read my posts on here he would say "proof you're insane, it's all fiction", funny how all his friends are on anti-depressant drugs except me, 2 are psychotic, 2 met at a funny farm, 1 is a manic depressive, all very intelligent yes ex-uni crowd etc and here am I having gone through surely worse than them yet havent resorted to pills (nor will I), yet he says Im the most damaged of them all.

I am detachedly aware that I may have been traumatised by what's happened over the last 5 years, but am refusing to accept it because if I see a shrink about it, I might crack and that could affect my ability to bring up my daughter.

It's 1am, he's out and baby's asleep. I can rant on in silence online, I don't expect replies. It's cathartic.thankyou for listening anyone.

He says he will kidnap the baby if I call the police. He knows what I might plan. He is clever and can read my mind. I was going to have removal men round, put his stuff in storage, change the locks, get a court order preventing him from visitng, will cost a fortune all this and hard to logistically organise, what, all in the space of 2 hours when he's signing on in town? He never goes anywhere so I'll never get the opportunity.

Ultimately, he'll gain some sort of temporary access to his daughter and will 'kidnap' her then, he will live at his friend's house and they will 'hide' her there, I wiuld have toi go to court to get her back. Bizarrely enough, the exact thing happened to me, my father kidnapped me as a baby from my mum when they split and I was taken to live at my dad's mums.

Calling the police is easy but it might anger him enough to resort to that. I'm already resigned to the imminent fact he will smash up my house inside and out even if the police tell him not to come round, he said once he would end up killing me one day, heat of the moment argument, now I begin to wonder, what makes a killer, everyone says "he was a quiet man, normal and well-liked" sounds just like my partner.

it's late, hes bnack now can hear car goot go

MM, I have witnessed this before. My mother was told how fat/stupid/insane she was over and over by my stepfather. She was told no-one would believe her about his abuse because she was crazy. He isolated her from her friends and she was already isolated from her family. He would also call her a cunt/bitch/whore or any other words of violence he could conjure up whilst in a rage. He would degrade and abuse her in every way he could. It's a form of brianwashing, you see. He was destroying her sense of worth systematically because that allowed him to control her. Your partner is doing the same to you.

I know it seems very scary to leave him, but it will not stop, and it doubtless will get much worse, unless you leave. You are rightly concerned about you ability to raise your daughter because of what is happening to you. Are you sure he wont be violent to her at some point? Even if he wouldn't, I can assure you that she will still be horribly affected by growing up with his violence towards you. I watched my stepfather strangle my mother as she begged him to stop. I heard her desperate cries as he beat her. I heard her screams and cowered in my room wondering if this was the time he'd finally kill her. That is your daughter's future if you don't leave him. She will grow up thinking it's normal for her partner to refer to her as a cunt. I know you don't want this for her.

The only way out is to muster up all your courage. You can be strong, people will believe you. Call Womens Aid. Tell a friend, family member, your GP, Health Visitor or if you're feeling really brave call the cops. If you think you aren't able to force him out start gathering up all your important documents, money, secretly pack an escape suitcase and make a secret plan for how you will leave. He must leave the house sometimes. During those times plan your escape. I know it must be hard to believe, but the situation you're in now is really this bad. You need to resort to extreme measures to protect yourself and your daughter.

It's natural that you're making up excuses why you can't leave him or make him leave. You're afraid. That's completely understandable given the circumstances. Just remember that's all they are: excuses. You know what you need to do, don't you?

Look, there are people in place to deal with EXACTLY what you are describing, honestly, he will NOT be able to do those things, you need to tell the police that these are the things he has threatened to do and don't miss anything out. Then have a domestic violence protocol set up for the thousands of women who have been in your situation, it's nothing new, they KNOW how to stop these idiots from taking your child or anything else. The days when your dad did it are long, long gone. Things have come on in huge leaps since then.

Women like you are taken seriously these days.

YOU WILL BE SAFER AND SO WILL SHE IF YOU CALL THEM.

Sorry they have a protocol, not 'then'

He's full of bullshit, milkmonster. He cannot do the things he threatened with impunity, uf he tries to do any of them he will be arrested, charged, convicted and sent to prison. He has no rights whatsoever to attack and abuse you, damage your property or TRESPASS in your house, which is what he is doing ( it is not his home, he makes no contribution to it and he has been asked to leave). THe next time he goes out, call the police and ask them to remove the trespasser - explain that he has threatened violence and you cannot remove him yourself. THey will send officers round and supervise him packing his belongingsm then they will take him away, You can get an injunction with power of arrest to stop him coming back or harassing you in any way. If he actually wants to maintain contact with your DD then you can insist on supervised access only because of his violence and threatening behaviour - though TBH most scumbags like this one don;t fight too hard for contact, preferring to move on and attempt the destruction of another woman.

Very best of luck, you CAN be free of him and no one will believe him, no matter how good looking or charming he is, because people know about abusers and how they behave these days.

milkmonster - I involved the police over my husbands verbal abuse to me and they could not have been Kinder or more helpful.

Please lease be brave and make that first step.....

life will be so so much better...

just do it today.get safe